Archive | September, 2011

Joke 190

30 Sep

Two astronauts who were dating put an end to it because they both needed their space.

Ten Hose Wife And The Toilet Blob

29 Sep
The Crazy Mountains - Sweet Grass County, Montana

Image by R. Alton via Flickr

We haven’t had searches that found my blog for a while.  Enjoy.

I Don’t Know Anything, Honest:

  • hotshot bald cop (159 searches in the past month alone)
  • what happened to gaddafi (68 – seems more people are interested in Ed Lauter than the former Libyan dictator.  Go figure)  My favourite search, however, is this one: where is gaddafi actually.  That last word makes it clear that it’s a secret just between the searcher and the internet
  • batcave entrance

I Wouldn’t Mind Knowing These, Though

  • hot rugby player
  • need easy instructions on how to write in publice service announcement
  • marriage expiration date
  • what do i get for $85 toilet paper

What Are These People Eating That They Can See It?

  • funny pictures of people farting

I’m Saying Nothing

  • arts degree jokes
  • housewife don’t do houseworks
  • the laughing housewide

That Explains A Lot

  • dinosaurs miss noah ark
  • socks in heaven
  • dementia wallasey (Wallasey is a town near Liverpool; I lived there for three years)
  • what marriage means to a woman joke time

Is There Any Other Kind?

  • fat ugly poo
  • funny septic trucks

Tell Me Something I Don’t Know

  • christmas is comming

Tell Him Something He Doesn’t Know

  • laughing turkey

Consider Me Baffled Of Stockport

  • toilet blob
  • ten hose wife
  • hamster x rated
  • false facts about laughing
  • clock eating cartoon
  • shakespeare farting
  • its fun to be a housewife

If This Is About Me, I’m Annoyed That You Think I Might Be Sick

  • fat sick fail poet wife

You’re In The Wrong Place

  • woman looking for dirt in house
  • hard working housewife

The Elephant In The Blog

29 Sep

I was going to start this post with Sally Field’s famous Oscar speech, You like me!  You really like me!  But it turns out she didn’t say that at all.  Searching for a picture, I came across this blog, and the author tells us what Sally actually said was,

I can’t deny the fact that you like me, right now, you like me

Which is a better fit for what’s been happening this last week or so to The Laughing Housewife.  By the way, I’m not speaking of myself in the third person: The Laughing Housewife  laughs all the time, is in a permanently good mood and is never short of blogging topics; The Laughing Housewife author is crabby, headachy and usually scrabbling around for something to write about.

It’s The Laughing Housewife you like, and you’ve been saying so quite a bit; recently I have received:

  • Two Liebster Awards
  • Nomination For Fours
  • Tagging For Fives
  • At least seven Versatile Blogger Awards

I’m not using my usual hyperbole with that last one, I promise; I think it might actually be more, but (I blush to admit it) I lost count.

First and foremost, I have to say this – loud – to you all:

I AM TRULY GRATEFUL FOR THESE AWARDS AND NOMINATIONS.

I am.  To receive an award from a fellow blogger is – apologies for the word; I assure you this is also not hyperbole – an honour. An award says, ‘I like your blog enough to write about it; to link to it and encourage others to visit you.’ That’s a nice thing to do; I’m grateful.  It is lovely to know that you enjoy my blog enough to want to share it.

Here’s where the elephant comes in: I received the nominations; I sweetly thanked the nominators, and did nothing: no four-five-seven things about me; no nominating others; no adding the widget. I did that once, the first time I received an award. I was new to blogging and didn’t realise it was, effectively, chain mail. When I tried to pass it on, everyone declined. Not one person wanted it. I thought about that; I realised it was chain mail; I resolved to never again be so taken in by a widget in a fancy dress.

You have gifted me with these awards, then, and I have done nothing.  Blogging is of the moment: people quickly move on (you like me right now; I’m not in danger of forgetting that you might not like me tomorrow); I had hoped that those who passed on the awards would forget that they had nominated me and not be offended if I did not respond.  But you haven’t been allowed to: awards have flown in like Maltesers under the tree on Christmas morning.  To continue to say nothing has become embarrassing.  So, once again, let me tell me how much I appreciate these awards.  And what I have against them.

They are chain letters. I hate chain letters. Chain letters frighten people with their threats that bad things will happen if they are not sent on.   People feel obliged to pass on these awards, and are afraid to offend the givers. 

If you receive a real chain letter in  your inbox, I urge you to send it to me if you are frightened, and I will do the electronic equivalent of burning it: that’s what the trash bin is for. I’ve always trashed them and nothing bad has happened to me, if I discount the Hub’s ill health, unemployment, homelessness, four dead parents…erm…um…

And did you ever hear of anyone suddenly coming in to £20,000 after obeying their dastardly instructions?  Me neither.  Of course, nothing bad will happen if I don’t pass on these awards, if I don’t include offending the kind bloggers who sent them to me in the first place; but I can’t see one without thinking ‘Arrgh!  Chain mail!’

So, in case I haven’t mentioned it, thank you for the award, I really do appreciate the thought; but I’m afraid I think too much of you all to pass it on: I prefer to highlight your blogs in posts as they naturally occur.  I guess you’ll have to consider this one of my seven things you didn’t know about me, alongside the fact that I can’t blow my nose without taking off my glasses first; or in public: too many people; too much snot.

Joke 189

29 Sep

Government Philosophy:

If it ain’t broke, fix it ’til it is.

Less Bo Derek, More Dudley Moore

28 Sep
King.com logo

Image via Wikipedia

Step 1: Pick a number from 1 to 10.

Step 2: Now think of something interesting in your life, or that you’d like to have in your life, related to that number.

The day this prompt email arrived, I received an email from 10Q, a project in which I participated last year: ten questions over ten days, filed away for a year.  So my number is 10.

I’m not going to share the personal stuff with you – underneath this jolly, confident persona I am a mass of nerves and self-doubt, you know – but I thought you might enjoy this one:

Day 7:

How would you like to improve yourself and your life next year? Is there a piece of advice or counsel you received in the past year that could guide you in this project?

Your Answer:

More prayer; less King.com.

There was an eleventh question:

Day 11:

What are your predictions for 2011?

Your Answer:

Will finally have one good year.

Hmm.  Guess I didn’t let up on the King.com after all.

Joke 188

28 Sep

This comes from Michelle in South Africa, who is almost single-handedly keeping me supplied in funnies.

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?  We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help  you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And

B-U-L-L-S-H-!-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullsh!t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

*

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This one’s for Tory Boy.  He knows why.

Ufo? No, Me No Fo

27 Sep
Two extraterrestrial (E.T.) alien Martians dri...

Do you believe in UFOs?

Of course.

Before you start thinking I’m mad, let me tell you that you’re confused: a UFO is not an alien space ship, but an unidentified flying object.  There are lots of unidentified flying objects in the world, especially when I’m rowing with the Hub.

Besides, they keep the alien ships at Roswell.

 *

What is your favorite day of the week? And why?

The day WordPress issues sensible prompts.  So none.

*

Invent a new Olympic sport.

Alien Baiting.

Take your captured alien and stick it in a ring.

Now throw in a couple of WordPress prompters and watch them dance before they are vaporised.

And I wonder why I’ve never been Freshly Pressed…

*

Is all fair in love and war?

I dunno, but I do know that all’s not fair in blogging: Tinman has a way better answer to this prompt than me.

Oops.  Still on last week’s sleep deprivation diet; the actual question to which his answer is way better than mine is:

 *

Would you rather laugh with the sinners, or cry with the saints?

Billy Joel reckons that sinners are much more fun but he hasn’t seen my church on a Sunday morning: sometimes we clap when we sing.  I could get all Biblical and tell you that we are all sinners, and become known as ‘saints’ when we’re saved – it’s a name change to reflect a stage in our Christian life, not our character; like going from baby to toddler to child to puberty-driven harridan to adolescent: they are all still children and all still collectively known as ‘suck the life force out of you breadsnappers’ – but you know I never discuss religion, so I won’t.

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