Great football commentary, courtesy of Will & Guy.
- The last player to score a hat-trick in a cup final was Stan Mortenson. He even had a final named after him, the Matthews final. Lawrie McMenemy
- It’s now 4-3 to Oldham, the goals are going in like dominoes. Piccadilly Radio
- I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in. Terry Venables
- It slid away from his left boot which was poised with the trigger cocked. Barry Davies
- We have been saying this, both pre-season and before the season started. Len Ashurst
- Well actually we got the winner up there with three minutes to go, but then they equalised. Ian McNail
- Ian Rush, deadly ten times out of ten, but that wasn’t one of them. Peter Jones
- It was a fair decision, the penalty, even though it was debatable whether it was inside or outside the box. Bobby Charlton
- Believe it or not, goals can change a game. Mike Channon
- Ian Rush unleashed his left foot and it hit the back of the net. Mike England
- Peter Shilton conceded five, you don’t get many of those to the dozen. Des Lynam
- Everything in our favour was against us. Danny Blanchflower
- I think everyone in the stadium went home happy, except all those people in Romania. Ron Greenwood
- John Lyall, very much a claret and blue man, from his stocking feet to his hair. Peter Jones
- We’ve got nothing to lose, and there’s no point losing this game. Bobby Robson
- Who ever wins today will win the championship no matter who wins. Denis Law
- Bryan Robson, well, he does what he does and his future is in the future. Ron Greenwood
- Wayne Clarke, one of the famous Clarke family, and he’s one of them, of course. Brian Moore
- So that’s 1-0, sounds like the score at Boundary Park where of course it’s 2-2. Jack Wainwright
- I am a firm believer that if you score one goal the other team have to score two to win. Howard Wilkinson
- We are really quite lucky this year because Christmas falls on Christmas Day. Bobby Gould
- Don’t tell those coming in now the result of that fantastic match. Now let’s have another look at Italy’s winning goal. David Coleman
- Wilkins sends an inch perfect pass to no one in particular. Byron Butler
- And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season. Alan Parry
- I don’t know if that result’s enough to lift Birmingham off the bottom of the table, although it’ll certainly take them above Sunderland. Mike Ingham
And for those of you who protest that these aren’t jokes, here’s a football joke (no, not a picture of the English national team) or three, from footballjokes.co.uk:
At the end of the day, football means not having to go to Sainsburys on Saturday.
A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp.
However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends.
The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment’s thought, said, ‘OK – we’ll take the shallow end!’
The football club dance was in full swing when three strangers arrived and demanded admission. ‘May I see your tickets, please?’ said the club secretary at the door.
‘We haven’t got any tickets,’ said one of the men. ‘We’re friends of the referee.’
‘Get out of here!’ said the club secretary. ‘Whoever heard of a referee with three friends!’