We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while, so here they are:
- I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…crematoriums.
- I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
- I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
- Did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it will give birth to a litter of Twiglets?
- I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, ‘How many potatoes would you like Tim?’ I said, ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one, please.’ She said, ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ’All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
- You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. Yes – I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.