Joke 688

Some more Tim Viners from my mate Dave:

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival Fringe one-liners (Photo credit: Ninian Reid)

• You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
• You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.  He’s a catholic converter.
• So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase and he went “T’PAU!”  I said, “Don’t you mean KAPOW?  He said, “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
• You invented Tipp Ex.  Correct me if I’m wrong.
• I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet, ‘Best Before End…’
• So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, “Analogue.”  I said, “No, just a watch.”
• I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle?”  The bloke said, “Kenwood.” I said, “Where is he?”
• So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
• I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.  They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

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