Joke 1001

19 Dec

First, jokes from the archive:

Very British Problems

There was a knock on the door one morning.  Seamus opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said, “Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”

Seamus said, “Come in and sit down.”

After he offered his visitor a fresh cup of coffee, Seamus asked, “What do you want to talk about?”

The Jehovah’s Witness said, “Beats me.  Nobody ever let me in before.”

Any guy out there who believes women are the weaker sex has never tried to reclaim his half of the blanket on a cold winter’s night.

An old sea-captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different colour…green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

“What’s the matter old-timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old captain replied, “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

From A Doctor:

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

‘Big breaths,’ I instructed.

‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

Someecards

And finally, at last, here it comes, ta-da!  

From Heroes magazine (supporting the British military), my 1001st joke:

*

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewellery. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlit tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”

*

And here’s my end-of-performance jig, to celebrate:

Thank you, everyone, for reading along and commenting.  It has been my pleasure.

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24 Responses to “Joke 1001”

  1. vastlycurious.com December 19, 2013 at 05:29 #

    YAY I am still awake! I thought I liked this one “The Jehovah’s Witness said, “Beats me. Nobody ever let me in before.” until I read the others ! Hilarious and now I am wide awake!

  2. vastlycurious.com December 19, 2013 at 05:34 #

    So I watched the Jig! They looked so happy and those costumes!

  3. misswhiplash December 19, 2013 at 06:28 #

    The pleasure has been in reading your jokes. Not all of them I have liked but then we all have different sense of humour so it is good to have a variety.
    what will you do now that you have come to the end?
    if you did 1000 jokes does that mean that it took 3 years?

  4. bumblepuppies December 19, 2013 at 09:26 #

    So now that you’ve done 1001 jokes, you need to start with 1001 of something else. Any ideas?

  5. http://vivinfrance.wordpress.com December 19, 2013 at 09:27 #

    Congratulations on giving us so much fun. Your generosity and gritty determination to conclude the challenge have aroused tremendous admiration as well as given us more laughs than all the TV comics put together.

  6. Cathy December 19, 2013 at 09:41 #

    Oh does this mean there’ll be no more? I’m fairly new to the party and was having the time of my life.
    Like the man in the supermarket I do believe I might even have had the need to wait a while as well – I don’t like being rushed and don’t see the need to rush others either lol
    Take care but don’t go
    Cathy

  7. sarsm December 19, 2013 at 09:42 #

    I am going to miss your jokes so much. It’s been such a lovely way to start the day.

    Congratulations! You did 1001 days of jokes!

  8. Ron. December 19, 2013 at 09:43 #

    Ya dunnit, TB! You da man! Conga rats! What will make me smile now?

  9. Grannymar December 19, 2013 at 11:05 #

    Congratulations on reaching your goal and giving us so many laughs! It was fun to tag along each day. Thanks, Tilly!

  10. colonialist December 19, 2013 at 13:07 #

    Love the starters and jig!
    The joke has always been my favourite, in its various guises. The first version I heard featured a young Pole and a Gestapo officer.

  11. Louise December 19, 2013 at 13:27 #

    Thank you.. I have been reading your jokes most days (and then catching up when I didn’t…). I will miss the daily smile..

  12. lanceleuven December 19, 2013 at 14:01 #

    The parrot one was excellent. I hope you enjoyed the jog. :-D

    • lanceleuven December 19, 2013 at 14:04 #

      I meant to write jig! I got distracted. :-)

      • The Laughing Housewife December 19, 2013 at 14:28 #

        I was confused. I thought I had exercised without telling me.

        • lanceleuven December 19, 2013 at 14:39 #

          You’re clearly far more healthy than I am. Whenever I exercise my body makes a point of telling incessantly for the next couple of days. :-)

  13. mairedubhtx December 19, 2013 at 15:25 #

    Wonderful jokes to end with. Well done!

  14. bevchen December 19, 2013 at 17:13 #

    Well done to you! I’ve enjoyed some of the jokes more than others. Still love the Very British Problems :-D

  15. viveka December 20, 2013 at 13:16 #

    What a grand finale !!! Excellent, Linda …. going to miss the good .. and the bad – and there wasn’t than many ugly; one maybe *smile Excellent job.

  16. benzeknees December 20, 2013 at 22:24 #

    Loved your 1001st joke! Maltesers for you!

  17. Barbara March 6, 2014 at 09:32 #

    Love the parrot one ;-).

    Come back soon!!

All comments are welcome, though compliments may result in you having your Malteser privileges revoked

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