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101/1001 (Week 143) Or, The End (Part Two)

21 Dec

Before I go any further, I want to say thank you to Sarsm‘s husband for designing the challenge logo and that freaky snail you met yesterday.  Having an identifying image was a great help.

First, some statistics of some of the tasks I completed:

  • Target: Write 1111 blog posts.   Achieved: 2068.  No surprise there because I didn’t think it through: counting jokes as posts (I still had to write, prepare and schedule them like ordinary posts), that removes 1001 immediately.  All I needed was to write 110 posts in just under three years to succeed.
  • Target: Try three new foods.   Achieved: 8.  And I can’t remember any of them, which means I’m not still eating them, which kind of defeats the object of the exercise.  Ah well.
  • Target: Write 1001 new poems.  Achieved: 1115.  114 over the odds!

Tasks I found both fun and useful:

  • Learn the names of the New Testament books as they appear.  I have known the Old Testament books since I was a child; but I have to sing the list.
  • Learn the names of all twelve disciples.  
  • Learn the names of all the Kings & Queens of England in chronological order.
  • Learn the names of all the American Presidents in chronological order.

Learning these lists has given me:

  1. A party piece at last.
  2. A great tool for dealing with the boredom of  my daily dog walk.
  3. An excellent distraction technique for anxiety.
  4. A love of lists.

The task I really didn’t expect to complete:

  • Lose some weight.  More than a little; less than a lot.  I put it in to pad out the list.  I’ve lost 11.5kgs/25.35316lbs.  Chuffed!  Never before has so much padding led to a lack of padding.

The easiest task:

  • Target: Watch 101 new films.  Achieved: 173.  Easy!  No wonder I didn’t get a job.

The toughest task.

  • Finding 1001 clean and funny jokes.

The completed task that was really a cheat:

  • Not play on King.com for a total of 101 days.  Which I managed for 498 days.  The point of the exercise was not to waste so much time at the computer.  I played solitaire instead.  Time wasted: lots.

The task I’m most pleased to have completed:

  • Finish editing SA Poems.  I was thrilled to put together my first poetry collection, ready to submit to publishers.  I might never have done it if I had not set it as a task.

The task I most enjoyed:

I couldn’t choose just one.  I probably wouldn’t have done the first two without this challenge.

  • Have a go on every item in the new children’s play area in Gorsey Bank Park.  [Refresh your memory here] I was giddy with excitement, just like a child.  And then furious, because the Hub, instead of photographing the moment when I crashed to the ground from the spider web, rushed over to check if I was hurt.
  • Learn all the words to the South African National Anthem.  Did I mention it’s in five languages?
  • Go to the theatre.  Six months of birthday celebrations and four theatre visits, plus everything Spud starred in.  Hooray!

Thank you, readers, for your encouragement and interest in this project.  You kept me going.

And more thanks, this time for Sarsm herself, who talked me into doing this challenge.  Although determined to finish some of the tasks, I always treated it as fun, and it has exposed me to activities I might never have done without her. Thank you x

101/1001 (Week 143) Or, The End (Part One) So, The Penultimate Episode, Really

20 Dec

That’s it!  My 1001 days or 143 weeks or thirty-three months or two-and-three-quarter years of purgatory/fun/must-remember-to-do-something-on-my-list time has reached the end.

So, how did I do?

I didn’t complete all of the challenges – including, Find another 64 challenges for the list.  I found 38.  Technically, then, this project should have been called 75 Tasks in 1001 Days, but do you really want to argue with a menopausal woman so close to Christmas?  I thought not.

There are some I regret not doing:

  • Get a job.  I didn’t.
  • Leave my poems in 101 locations. (0/101).  I didn’t have the guts to be a poetry bomber; it seemed presumptuous to force myself on strangers.
  • Read 101 new books (84/101).  I did a lot of reading, but mostly old favourites.  
  • Save £1 for each completed task.   I never seemed to have it to spare.

Some I don’t:

  • Win NaNoWriMo. This writer really doesn’t have a novel in her.
  • Do a REAL spring clean.  Talk about your proverbial pipe dream…
  • Ride my bike twenty out of thirty days.  (0/30).  Too much like hard work.
  • Try out three new recipes (6/15).  Previous comment refers.
  • Try olives AGAIN.  Forget it.  I can still taste the last one.
  • Taste a courgette.  The olives put me off.

And some are on my To Do List:

  • Answer all comments received in one day with song lyrics.  Too much fun to let go.
  • Ensure Spud can cook before going off to university.  My timing was out: that’s next summer’s job.

Tune in tomorrow for the tasks I did manage to complete.

Remember the Scary Snail?  He celebrated the first anniversary.  

I Told A Joke A Day For A 1001 Days

19 Dec

…And then some!

When I set myself the challenge of telling you a joke a day for 1001 days, I’m not sure that I believed I could do it.  It seemed like a fun challenge but I can’t say I had a burning desire to complete it.  However, I plodded on; sometimes staying up late with a couple of matchsticks and glowing screen; sometimes scheduling them a week in advance.   Occasionally, because of computer or internet problems, I posted late…but I never missed a day!

I told puns and one-liners and shaggy dog stories.  I shared lists and cartoons.  I lifted stories from news sites, comedians, the telly, and other blogs.  I told jokes so bad, I had to give you another dozen to disguise them.  And I never missed a day.

When I was stuck for a topic, I looked around the room until something caught my eye, then I Googled it: jokes about computers; jokes about dogs; jokes about chairs.  I once shared this habit with you and I was challenged to find a joke about orange.  I found a hundred.  I have to say, I’m probably Google’s biggest fan.

Some of you love the jokes; some of you never read them.  I found it arduous at times to come up with something, but I kept on going for the diehards who wanted their joke for the day.  Thank you for making me post a joke a day.

There were times when I was ready to jack it in.  I have been tired and unwell this year and ready to take a break from blogging, but I had to post a joke a day. I plodded on.  Then I hit day 851: the bulk of the challenge was behind me; the end was almost in sight.  I was determined to reach the end.

Animated horse, made by rotoscoping 19th centu...

Animated horse, made by rotoscoping 19th century photos by Eadweard Muybridge. Artistic license has been used to achieve the cartoony look. Animated by J-E Nyström, User:Janke, released under CC-BY-SA-2.5 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And I did!

I have to say it – I’m rather impressed with myself. Telling a joke a day doesn’t sound that difficult, but have you tried to find funny, clean jokes on the internet or elsewhere?  I swear, there isn’t one topic that cannot somehow be made grubby by those with the will to do it.  My eyes dropped and my chin boggled at some of the stuff I was forced to filter on your behalf.

But it was worth it.  Searching for laughter is always worth it.

Sharing the laughter – my reader-approved-by-poll tagline – is what this blog is all about and you helped me, beloved readers: you shared your jokes by email, post and comment; you re-blogged and pinned the best jokes; you tut-tutted at the duff puns and gently/forcefully steered me in the direction you wanted me to take.

Most of all, you laughed.  You commented.  You shared the laughter.

Thank you.  Thank you for your encouragement.  Thank you for your terrible (and sometimes terribly rude) jokes.  Thank you for your hilarious jokes.

Thank you for sharing the laughter.

Now, I’m going to take a month off blogging; and re-group.

And that’s no joke.

I have prepared a couple of end-of-challenge posts, to round things off; but there will be no jokes; no posts; no comments after this week.  

I apologise to new readers but something’s got to give.  I don’t want it to be my sanity.

To soften the blow, I will share my absolute favourite joke from the archive.  I laugh out loud every time I read it.  

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre, followed by drinks.  They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman.  Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replied.  ‘You just happened to catch my eye.’

Joke 1001

19 Dec

First, jokes from the archive:

Very British Problems

There was a knock on the door one morning.  Seamus opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said, “Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”

Seamus said, “Come in and sit down.”

After he offered his visitor a fresh cup of coffee, Seamus asked, “What do you want to talk about?”

The Jehovah’s Witness said, “Beats me.  Nobody ever let me in before.”

Any guy out there who believes women are the weaker sex has never tried to reclaim his half of the blanket on a cold winter’s night.

An old sea-captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different colour…green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

“What’s the matter old-timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old captain replied, “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

From A Doctor:

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

‘Big breaths,’ I instructed.

‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

Someecards

And finally, at last, here it comes, ta-da!  

From Heroes magazine (supporting the British military), my 1001st joke:

*

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewellery. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlit tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”

*

And here’s my end-of-performance jig, to celebrate:

Thank you, everyone, for reading along and commenting.  It has been my pleasure.

Joke 1000

18 Dec

Every ten years, monks in a monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words.

Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”

Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”

It’s the big day a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” says the head monk. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

*

From buzzle.com

*find x

From the archive:

*

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Trek epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s going to get it wrong.

 *

No collection of jokes from the archive would be complete without the incomparable punster Tim Vine:

Tim Vine The Joke-Amotive promotional advert

Tim Vine The Joke-Amotive promotional advert (Photo credit: http://www.theedinburghblog.co.uk)

*

  • So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
  • So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, “Audi!”
  • So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.
  • I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
  • I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
  • I bought a train ticket and the driver said, “Eurostar.” I said, “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
  • At least it’s comfortable on Eurostar; it’s murder on the Orient Express…
  • I went to the doctor. I said to him, “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
  • So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
  • I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
  • My mate asked me, “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said, “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
  • So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
  • This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
  • So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
  • So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
  • I went out on a date with Simile. I don’t know what I metaphor.
     
  • My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
  • I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
  • I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death.
  • Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.
  • The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
  • So I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
  • When I left home, my mum said: “Don’t forget to write.” I thought: “That’s unlikely – it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?”
  • Velcro… what a rip-off.
  • You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
  • I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
  • I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’
  • You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
  • You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.  He’s a catholic converter.
  • So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase and he went “T’PAU!”  I said, “Don’t you mean KAPOW?  He said, “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
  • I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
  • So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, “Analogue.”  I said, “No, just a watch.”
  • I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle?”  The bloke said, “Kenwood.” I said, “Where is he?”
  • So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
  • I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.  They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
  • I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…crematoriums.
  • I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.  I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
  • I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.  It was a bit choppy.
  • Did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it will give birth to a litter of Twiglets?
  • I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, ‘How many potatoes would you like Tim?’  I said, ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one, please.’ She said, ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’  ’All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
  • You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick.  Yes – I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
  • You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.  They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’  So that was nice.
  • So I went down my local ice cream shop, and said, ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’.  He said, ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said,  ’We’ll start with one.’  He said, ‘Knickerbocker glory?’  I said, ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’
  • Exit signs – they’re on the way out, aren’t they?
  • Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don’t they?  The one I was in went back and forwards.  I thought, ‘This is unusual.’  And the dentist said to me, ‘Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
  • So I rang up my local swimming baths.  I said, ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’  He said,  ’It depends where you’re calling from.’
  • I rang up a local building firm.  I said, ‘I want a skip outside my house.’  He said, ‘I’m not stopping you.’

 

Joke 999

17 Dec
Some funny No Parking signs

Some funny No Parking signs (Photo credit: Scoobyfoo)

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.  Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.  Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery nails.

“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I have to arrest you.”

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”

*

From ahajokes

*

From the archive:

&

Funny Picture of Nun Religion

Funny Picture of Nun Religion (Photo credit: epSos.de)

You know you are addicted to your computer when… 

· All of your friends have an @ in their names.

· Your dog has its own home page.

· You can’t call your mother; she doesn’t have a modem.

· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

· You get a new suit that says, “This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher.”

· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.

· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

*

"Deep Thoughts" by Computer Services #4

“Deep Thoughts” by Computer Services #4 (Photo credit: Adam Melancon)

How to Write Good

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren’t necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don’t never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.

*

Elephant on the computer

Elephant on the computer (Photo credit: HikingArtist.com)

  1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  2. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  3. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  4. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  5. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  6. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
  7. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  9. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
  10. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute only to skydive twice.
  11. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  12. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  13. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  14. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  15. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

Joke 998

16 Dec
Happy Pi Day

Happy Pi Day (Photo credit: Graela)

 

  • “Having a child is like getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed.” ~ Eat Pray Love screenplay
  • “Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage.” ~ Marcelene Cox
  • “Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” ~ Kally, age 9
  • “How is it that I can start the day as Mary Poppins, only to end the day as Cruella Deville?” ~ Mom’s the Word: Remixed (stage play)
  • “The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” ~ Lane Olinghouse
  • “The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed.” ~ Author Unknown
  • “Parents are not interested in justice; they are interested in quiet.” ~ Bill Cosby
  • “There are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can’t get it.” ~ Irena Chalmers
  • “If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time, you’re the grandma.” ~ Theresa Bloomingdale
  • “Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.” ~ Bill Cosby
  • “Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” ~ Bobby, Age 8
  • “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” ~ Erma Bombeck
  • “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” ~ Bill Cosby
  • “If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says “keep away from children.” ~ Susan Savannah
  • “People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” ~ Leo Burke
  • “A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.” ~ Raymond Duncan
  • “Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.” ~ Fran Lebowitz, Social Studies
  • “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” ~ Bill CosbyLittle Girl on a Plane – Anonymous

From parentingtouchstones.com

From the archive:

early childhood education

early childhood education (Photo credit: Graela)

A jobbing actor comes home to find his house has burned down.  His sobbing, injured wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang.  It was your agent.  Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire.  It went up so quickly.  Everything is gone; we’ve lost everything!  I nearly didn’t make it out of the house.  The poor cat is—”

“Wait, wait!  Back up a minute,” the actor says. “My agent called?”

*

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

Poker face.

Only fish should have scales

Only fish should have scales (Photo credit: Graela)

THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.

11. “Play-Doh” and “microwave” should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Thanks to scot and buffy and one of the kids f...

Thanks to scot and buffy and one of the kids for inspiration (Photo credit: Graela)

 

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