Tag Archives: Babies

Joke 924

3 Oct

Some Royal baby jokes from Twitter, via The Huffington Post (don’t ever complain that I’m not on the cutting edge of news…)

Little fat belly kitten baby

Little fat belly kitten baby (Photo credit: Eleventh Earl of Mar)

  • Royal baby latest: Kate Middleton is 10cm dilated and the midwife can see the silver spoon.  @HylandIan
  • Prince William’s heir is falling out.   @thegianttweets
  • Trending in his first five minutes of life. Talk about peaking early. 
  • “More like Your Cryness.” – the royal gynecologist, using a joke he’s been sitting on for years. @

    kumailn

  • In a year’s time, Kate will find some porridge on the inside of her bra & realise her son has just eaten 4 cat biscuits. I guarantee it.  Laura Mugridge
  • With 1 out of every 3 kids in the UK born into poverty there must be two sets of parents feeling really unlucky right now.   @TiernanDouieb  
  • If the #RoyalBaby sees its shadow there will be six more weeks of Downton Abbey.  @CollegeHumor   
  • Tomorrow’s headlines GUARDIAN: It’s a boy! TELEGRAPH: It’s a boy! DAILYMAIL: Has Kate lost the baby weight yet?  @TechnicallyRon  
  • If it’s a ten pound baby it’ll have the Queen’s head on it.  @mrnickharvey  
  • I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.   @MooseAllain

 

The Laughing Baby

2 Aug

Fridays are now The Friday Laugh day.  Here’s today’s:

 

Joke 844

15 Jul
the_dos_and_donts_with_babies_013

the_dos_and_donts_with_babies_013 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

One evening Jessica found her husband Mike with his head cocked looking at their baby’s cot.  Silently she watched him.

As Mike twisted and turned looking at their infant, Jessica could see on Mike’s face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, joy, surprise, enchantment and scepticism.

Mike did not usually show his emotions and his unusual display brought tears to her eyes.  Jessica put her arm around her husband and gently asked, “A penny for your thoughts.”

“It’s amazing!” Mike replied. “I just can’t work out how Mothercare are able to make a cot like that for only £49.99.”

Joke 672

24 Jan

Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labour and began to yell, “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”?

She was having contractions.

*

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From writersjokes.  

 

Joke 665

17 Jan

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.

English: A sleeping male baby with his arm ext...

English: A sleeping male baby with his arm extended (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your pregnancy is confirmed.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don’t bother practising because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, colour-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries

1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown – you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Dummy/Pacifier

1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Nappies/Diapers

1st baby: You change your baby’s nappies every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their nappy every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

From 101jokes.com

Tip-Sliding Away

5 Dec

Think of a time you let something slide, only for it to eat away at you later. Tell us how you’d fix it today. 

neg scanned (69)

It wasn’t so much a sliding as a tipping.

It was 1991.  Tory Boy was about ten months old.

My younger brother was staying with us in our Johannesburg flat.  The Hub, Little Brother, Tory Boy and I decided to walk to the nearby SPAR to pick up a few bits.

The Hub pushed his beautiful baby boy in his beautiful bright-blue-for-a-boy pram.  We got about twenty yards from the building’s entrance when a wheel of the pram caught on the gravel and Tory Boy tipped right out, face first into the ground.

I swear it was nervous laughter on my part.

My brother laughed because I laughed (I’m very infectious).  The Hub wrestled with the pram, swooped up Baby and yelled at me the terrible mother who laughed when her baby fell face-first into gravel, all at the same time.

My response (I swear it was nervous laughter on my part) has always eaten away at me.  Mostly because every time Tory Boy brings it up the Hub glares at me and refuses to believe that it was nervous laughter on my part.  Tory Boy doesn’t actually remember the incident but the story impressed him first time he heard it and he likes to remind me of it.  Often.  At least once every time he comes home, as if I don’t have enough guilt just bearing the title, ‘Mother’.  I wouldn’t mind, but he doesn’t even have any scarring from the facial gravel indents.

To fix it, I’d have to have a do-over.  Next time, they can go shopping without me.

 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Merge

2 Sep

 

I’m late with this one because the summer holiday weeks all merged into one.  

Rather like my children.

Take this photo:

I’m almost certain it is Spud because it’s taken from the left – my hospital bed was on the left wall when I had him and on the right when I had Tory Boy.

Is it terrible that I can recall the position of my beds after childbirth but not what my new children looked like?

The problem is that both boys looked like their father at birth which means they also looked like each other.  It’s been sixteen/twenty-two years and my memory isn’t what it once was, and that wasn’t much.  

I say Spud looked like his father and brother, but he also looked like someone else.  I had him by Caesarian and the anaesthetist (why does childbirth have so many aes?  Coincidentally, A+E stands for Accident and Emergency in the UK – the equivalent of the American ER – and accidents often result in emergencies that include childbirth nine months on.  Well it does in my family), a lovely man, held me up as the gynaecologist (see!) yanked him out.

What emerged was a fat, blue and crinkly Spud.  My first thought – I swear this is true – was, ‘Oh, he looks like the alien baby from V.’

Tell me I’m wrong:

 

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