Tag Archives: Blogging

101/1001 (Week 143) Or, The End (Part One) So, The Penultimate Episode, Really

20 Dec

That’s it!  My 1001 days or 143 weeks or thirty-three months or two-and-three-quarter years of purgatory/fun/must-remember-to-do-something-on-my-list time has reached the end.

So, how did I do?

I didn’t complete all of the challenges – including, Find another 64 challenges for the list.  I found 38.  Technically, then, this project should have been called 75 Tasks in 1001 Days, but do you really want to argue with a menopausal woman so close to Christmas?  I thought not.

There are some I regret not doing:

  • Get a job.  I didn’t.
  • Leave my poems in 101 locations. (0/101).  I didn’t have the guts to be a poetry bomber; it seemed presumptuous to force myself on strangers.
  • Read 101 new books (84/101).  I did a lot of reading, but mostly old favourites.  
  • Save £1 for each completed task.   I never seemed to have it to spare.

Some I don’t:

  • Win NaNoWriMo. This writer really doesn’t have a novel in her.
  • Do a REAL spring clean.  Talk about your proverbial pipe dream…
  • Ride my bike twenty out of thirty days.  (0/30).  Too much like hard work.
  • Try out three new recipes (6/15).  Previous comment refers.
  • Try olives AGAIN.  Forget it.  I can still taste the last one.
  • Taste a courgette.  The olives put me off.

And some are on my To Do List:

  • Answer all comments received in one day with song lyrics.  Too much fun to let go.
  • Ensure Spud can cook before going off to university.  My timing was out: that’s next summer’s job.

Tune in tomorrow for the tasks I did manage to complete.

Remember the Scary Snail?  He celebrated the first anniversary.  

I Told A Joke A Day For A 1001 Days

19 Dec

…And then some!

When I set myself the challenge of telling you a joke a day for 1001 days, I’m not sure that I believed I could do it.  It seemed like a fun challenge but I can’t say I had a burning desire to complete it.  However, I plodded on; sometimes staying up late with a couple of matchsticks and glowing screen; sometimes scheduling them a week in advance.   Occasionally, because of computer or internet problems, I posted late…but I never missed a day!

I told puns and one-liners and shaggy dog stories.  I shared lists and cartoons.  I lifted stories from news sites, comedians, the telly, and other blogs.  I told jokes so bad, I had to give you another dozen to disguise them.  And I never missed a day.

When I was stuck for a topic, I looked around the room until something caught my eye, then I Googled it: jokes about computers; jokes about dogs; jokes about chairs.  I once shared this habit with you and I was challenged to find a joke about orange.  I found a hundred.  I have to say, I’m probably Google’s biggest fan.

Some of you love the jokes; some of you never read them.  I found it arduous at times to come up with something, but I kept on going for the diehards who wanted their joke for the day.  Thank you for making me post a joke a day.

There were times when I was ready to jack it in.  I have been tired and unwell this year and ready to take a break from blogging, but I had to post a joke a day. I plodded on.  Then I hit day 851: the bulk of the challenge was behind me; the end was almost in sight.  I was determined to reach the end.

Animated horse, made by rotoscoping 19th centu...

Animated horse, made by rotoscoping 19th century photos by Eadweard Muybridge. Artistic license has been used to achieve the cartoony look. Animated by J-E Nyström, User:Janke, released under CC-BY-SA-2.5 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And I did!

I have to say it – I’m rather impressed with myself. Telling a joke a day doesn’t sound that difficult, but have you tried to find funny, clean jokes on the internet or elsewhere?  I swear, there isn’t one topic that cannot somehow be made grubby by those with the will to do it.  My eyes dropped and my chin boggled at some of the stuff I was forced to filter on your behalf.

But it was worth it.  Searching for laughter is always worth it.

Sharing the laughter – my reader-approved-by-poll tagline – is what this blog is all about and you helped me, beloved readers: you shared your jokes by email, post and comment; you re-blogged and pinned the best jokes; you tut-tutted at the duff puns and gently/forcefully steered me in the direction you wanted me to take.

Most of all, you laughed.  You commented.  You shared the laughter.

Thank you.  Thank you for your encouragement.  Thank you for your terrible (and sometimes terribly rude) jokes.  Thank you for your hilarious jokes.

Thank you for sharing the laughter.

Now, I’m going to take a month off blogging; and re-group.

And that’s no joke.

I have prepared a couple of end-of-challenge posts, to round things off; but there will be no jokes; no posts; no comments after this week.  

I apologise to new readers but something’s got to give.  I don’t want it to be my sanity.

To soften the blow, I will share my absolute favourite joke from the archive.  I laugh out loud every time I read it.  

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre, followed by drinks.  They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman.  Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replied.  ‘You just happened to catch my eye.’

Joke 1001

19 Dec

First, jokes from the archive:

Very British Problems

There was a knock on the door one morning.  Seamus opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said, “Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”

Seamus said, “Come in and sit down.”

After he offered his visitor a fresh cup of coffee, Seamus asked, “What do you want to talk about?”

The Jehovah’s Witness said, “Beats me.  Nobody ever let me in before.”

Any guy out there who believes women are the weaker sex has never tried to reclaim his half of the blanket on a cold winter’s night.

An old sea-captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different colour…green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

“What’s the matter old-timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old captain replied, “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

From A Doctor:

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

‘Big breaths,’ I instructed.

‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

Someecards

And finally, at last, here it comes, ta-da!  

From Heroes magazine (supporting the British military), my 1001st joke:

*

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewellery. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlit tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”

*

And here’s my end-of-performance jig, to celebrate:

Thank you, everyone, for reading along and commenting.  It has been my pleasure.

The Best Laid Plans Of Mice And Buds

13 Dec
Cover of "The Muppet Christmas Carol - Ke...

Cover via Amazon

As we are now in the final week of the 101/1001 challenge, I had intended to write a celebratory post each day about the experience.  Yesterday’s post was abandoned because of migraine; today’s because of unexpected visitors.  The coming week’s itinerary includes Christmas grocery shopping, Christmas shopping for just about everyone (for various reasons we haven’t been able to do much this year), a girls’ night in, visitors, visitors and more visitors (it is Christmas, after all) and the annual screening of A Muppet Christmas Carol for the boys and me.

I have to mark the end in some way, however, so here’s a summary of what I would have written, if I’d had the time:

  • It was fun
  • It was hard work
  • I didn’t complete all of the challenges
  • But that’s okay because it was meant to be for fun, anyway
  • Which it was
  • I’m pleased with the challenges I did complete
  • My favourite task was…

…but that’s all I have time for today – there’s a mop calling me (can’t have my guests knowing how dirty I really am).

I will try very hard to wrap up the past two and a half years’ experiences in the next five days, but I can’t guarantee it.  I feel a bit of a muppet.

 

I’ll Never Catch Up

9 Dec
chevy chase, ass

chevy chase, ass (Photo credit: “Cowboy” Ben Alman) Kind of what I’m doing, without the retired movie star

My week last week:

  • Dog walks every day, many long
  • Baking mince pies for vulnerable people (sneaking a few to four freezing workmen who heckled me on my walks between the vicarage oven and church)
  • Doctor’s
  • Creative Writing class
  • Studiously ignoring my homework
  • Welcoming home Tory Boy with ALL of his stuff
  • Finding room for all of Tory Boy’s stuff
  • Cooking 
  • Cleaning
  • Catching up with ironing
  • Yawning
  • Recuperating all Thursday on the couch
  • Grocery shopping (huge)
  • Reading old jokes
  • Christmas shopping (a bit)
  • Helping a friend with something
  • Church
  • Stockport Writers’ Christmas do (playing word games – great nerdy fun)
  • Coming down with a stonking head cold

So that was my week, with the dull bits left out.

Sorry to have abandoned you.  Again.

I’ll be honest, it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

 

Christmas Decorating

4 Dec

As you can see, I have decorated my blog for Christmas.

Christmas in the post-War United States

Christmas in the post-War United States (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I changed some colour scheme or other so that bits are red instead of green.  It was an accident: I was looking for a way to remove empty boxes from my dashboard.  I rather like the red; don’t you?

The empty boxes are still there, of course.  I’m rubbish at this technical stuff.

I also changed my header, courtesy of the genius Aquatom, who sent me a choice of four Christmas headers out of the blue.  Thank you, Tom!

I am not going with snow this year and I am not changing the theme.  Blame the economy*.

*It doesn’t cost bloggers anything to change those things but if politicians can blame their laziness to fix things on the economy, then so can I.

 

A Quiet Week

21 Oct
My Poster

My Poster (Photo credit: Tabbymom Jen)

As far as blogging is concerned, that is.  

As far as the rest of me goes, here’s this week’s schedule:

  • Monday PM:    A free stressbuster workshop in Stockport.  It’s free!  And a workshop!  Why would you think I wouldn’t go?
  • Tuesday PM:    Dentist-mouth search-lots of gagging (she says my breath stinks).
  • Wednesday All Day:    A visit to Sheffield University with Spud, to check it out.  Yay!  Trains!  I love trains!
  • Thursday AM:    Very AM, 07:50 a.m., to be precise.  Doctor’s appointment-begging-pleading-fix my whinging please, doctor!
  • Thursday Middle of the PM:   Seven Brides For Seven Brothers at the Manchester Opera House with generous friend for final fiftieth birthday treat; followed by dinner out.  Singin’-dancin’-sobbin’ wimmin.  Almost as good as travelling on trains!
  • Friday Middle of the PM:   Ender’s Game opens in cinemas.  The Hub has already warned me I’m going to hate it because it won’t be like I see it in my head when I read (and re-read and re-read) the book.  I don’t care.  He’s taking me.

You won’t see much of me online so please don’t take it personally.

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers - Movie CD cover

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers – Movie CD cover (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

See you on the other side!

Ender's Game

Ender’s Game (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Joke 936

15 Oct

How can you tell if a government service is going down the pan and its employees are cheesed off?

They start blogs.

There are 6 million blogs…one of them must be good.

I just went to a blog that was so poorly written, the “About Me” had been changed to “About I”.

Blog Machine

Blog Machine (Photo credit: digitalrob70)

Jokes from:

SorrySorrySorry

8 Oct

Apologies for the post desert.  I’m fighting an allergy attack.  My eyes are swollen, the skin is puffy, itchy and a little burny, and it’s difficult to see the screen properly.  Normal service may eventually be resumed, assuming I can remove the Hub’s cucumber slices from my face while being held down: “Lie still, dammit!  You will relax or I’ll ram the rest of this cucumber where the sun don’t shine!”

He takes such good care of me.

The Truth Is Out There

13 Sep

From Tumblr

*

Caught myself writing this to my friend this morning:

I’m supposed to be preparing for tomorrow’s workshop so I’m finding other things to do instead.  Cleaned the kitchen window and put up a new net this morning.  I’ll probably blog about it later.  

Now you know the truth: my life is as dull as a net curtain.

Even worse, I inflict it on my dear readers.

Please don’t abandon me.

*

Single curtain on one side of a window, net cu...

Single curtain on one side of a window, net curtain, and horse statuette. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)  Photo taken by someone with a life as dull as mine.

You know what makes it worse?  I added ‘Net Curtains’ as a tag.

Save yourselves!   There’s no hope for me but you should get out while you still can.

900 Days

9 Sep

Today is the 900th day of my 101 tasks in a 1001 days challenge.

I have told 900 jokes.  More than 900, probably, because some days the jokes are so bad I tell a few more in the hope of getting one weak but elongated laugh instead of a brief but definite chuckle, or – nirvana – a huge belly laugh.

Notifies people of a joke. (SVG version)

Notifies people of a joke. (SVG version) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have to tell 101 more jokes to meet my challenge.  That’s 101 days or fourteen weeks and a few days or three and a half months and a bit days or a quarter of a year or a whole lot of hysteria because I want my last joke to be a laugh-out-loud-so-hard-you-pee-a-little joke so that I finish with a flourish.

I have yet to find one, despite having had 900 days so far in which to search.  That’s where you come in.

You knew when you started reading this post there was going to be work in it for you, didn’t you?  But I just sucked you right in, anyway.  Here’s my request: I need clean, funny jokes.  Send them to me.

I know that’s more like an order than a request, but the stress is getting to me. Sorry.  I can’t be funny and do all of the research and eat Maltesers instead of real food (I’m on a diet), now can I?

Speaking of which, the joke that is posted on the Last Day of the Challenge will earn a box of Maltesers.  I will post to anywhere in the world.

Maltesers in a tray.

Maltesers in a tray. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Please don’t let it be like last time, when I awarded a box for the best Christmas joke and I had to post it all the way to…Scotland (nae offence intended, Wee Scoops).  I want a funny joke from a foreigner; or from a non-foreigner residing in a foreign land. Somewhere overseas; and that doesn’t mean the Isle of Wight.

Local readers are, of course, encouraged to send jokes as well.  It’s not that I don’t value you; it’s that I want to see the Hub’s face when he has to pay postage to the other side of the world (are you listening, Australia?).  That would be a Christmas present worthy of the name.   I reiterate – no rude jokes (are you listening, Australia?).

If you have a joke for me, please email it to thelaughinghousewife@gmail.com. Please.  No, really.  I want a laugh-out-loud-I-didn’t-expect-the-punchline-my-ribs-hurt kind of joke.  I won’t part with my Maltesers for anything less.  

I mean it.  You know these hips don’t lie.

I’m Not Leaving London ‘Til I’m Done

4 Sep

I started the finish of my London story – I really did – after eight weeks’ worth of ironing fell out of the cupboard and said ‘Do me or the washing machine gets it!’ and I thought I’d better do it so I did; but then I remembered Spud’s Personal Statement for his university application (for which he had eight weeks to work on it, and didn’t) which I had insisted he send to me for proof reading/heavy editing and which had to be sent off by five o’clock today so I proofread/heavily edited it then we argued for a bit about my changes and then he made all the changes and then he sent it off, by which time it was dog walk time dinner time clear up after dinner time fall into bed time get out of bed to schedule tomorrow’s joke time and might as well write this post while I’m at it time.

As for London…like the Eagles in Hotel California, we may never leave.

 

I’m Nervous

2 Sep
English: South Africa (orthographic projection)

South Africa (orthographic projection) (Photo credit: Wikipedia) Graph representing how many poems I have in relation to how much time I have to fill…

I had intended to post about London today but I have spent most of it preparing for tomorrow: I am due to give a poetry reading to a lunch club group.

After some discussion with the group leader, I opted for a selection of my South African poems (remember them?) and anecdotes.

What has me nervous is the time I have to take – they want me to entertain them for a whole hour.

Gulp.

Wish me luck!

 

Coming Soon…

27 Aug

…The conclusion to my London tale.

Wax Lips

Wax Lips (Photo credit: red clover)

Thank you all for your good wishes.  I am on the mend but I have spent today catching up with some of your blogs.  Don’t be offended if I haven’t visited you yet; I follow a LOT of blogs.

Tomorrow, I’m off to the hospital to see a man about a gag.  I will take two buses there at the crack of rush hour to be fitted for a thing in my mouth that I don’t really want but which is supposed to stop me snoring.

If the dental doctor ends up with my breakfast on his shoes, don’t blame me – I gag if I put too much food in my mouth (it’s why I can’t eat trifle) so how they expect me to sleep with a plastic wotzit in my gob I really don’t know, but doctor, apparently, knows best.

Of course, if I choke to death in my sleep on the plastic wotzit that’s bound to cure my snoring, so the Hub’s all in favour of it.

Anyway, the ordeal of taking four buses and rubber fingers poking around my very private mouth probably means no London post tomorrow.

Sorry.

Globesmacked

23 Aug

Photo by Best DSC!

Spud has complained that I have posted nothing but jokes this week.  Since I prefer to be the nagger rather than the naggee, here I am.

I’m still not well so all I can manage is to share something which made me smile this week.  You remember how the Globe sent me an autographed programme?

On Tuesday, they sent me another!   I adore the Globe theatre and all who sail in her.

I’m pleased that when I die, the boys will each get an autographed copy.  Feeling like I do, that won’t be long now…

Photo by Best DSC!

 

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