Can I Have A Word?

Neologism generator (Photo credit: Peter Forret)

Yesterday’s word was mundify: to cleanse, deterge (yes, that is a real word), purge or purify.  In other words, what I need to do after watching the Jeremy Kyle or Jerry Springer shows.

Try as I might, I couldn’t fit today’s word into a reblog about household tips, so I have given it a post of its own:

NEOTERISM

Because I don’t like you coming here and not working, I’m going to give you a task.

If you’ve been around here a while, you may have noticed I play fast and loose with the English language, coining new words for convenience and then never using them again.

There is one word, however, which I invented and which I continue to use, in the hope that one day I will come across it somewhere at random, entirely unrelated to me, and know that I am the mother of a successful neologism.

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My word is:

TECHNEPTITUDE

or

TECHNEPT

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To be inept in the use of modern technology; one who is inept in the use of modern technology (specifically, her new mobile phone, eighteen months old, and of which she realised only recently, despite using it every day, that it was a touch screen). 

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“Technology has exceeded our humanity” (Photo credit: Toban B.)

Here is your task:

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Tell me what word you have invented, with its definition and a sentence demonstrating its use.*

If you haven’t invented a word, now’s your chance!

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My sentence:

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I can’t turn this blasted phone on [sounds of smashing pink technology].  I am such a [insert swear word of choice; I don't, so I can't.  More work for you] technept!

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Season Hiatus Filler

funny_cats_a_023 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

Some of you might be finding the Telly Tales rather jejune, so here’s a little something to brighten your day:

I found it on Kittybloger.  If you like cats and, in particular, funny cats, it’s the blog for you.

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Yesterday’s word was ‘irrefragable’: not be disputed or contested.

I think it’s a good word; don’t you?

funny_cats_a_013 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

Happy Birthday, Aquatom

The Laughing Housewife Goes To Tellyland is taking a short season break and will be back tomorrow.

In the meantime, it’s somebody’s birthday…you may remember this banner:

Aquatom created it for me; now it’s my turn to create something for him.

His birthday poem has chops and changes in the rhythm: that’s my homage to his ever-changing blog look and not an indication that I might have struggled writing this one.  

• Read it out loud to a rapping rhythm
• Take a breath after the first stanza, to allow for the change in rhythm
• Rush through ‘dotwordpress’ on the last line, or it won’t sound right.

Well, here goes:

For You!You!You! youyou!

His name is Tom with the prefix ‘Aqua’
Read his blog; you’ll enjoy some laughter
You won’t need gin or wine or vodka

He’s a really nice bloke
And he likes to make a joke
But he also does bespoke

Christmas headers for this Tilly
In return I give this silly
Rhyme from a grateful filly

His name is Aqua with the suffix ‘Tom’
If you’d like to give him a birthday balm
See wellheregoesdotwordpressdotcom

Happy Birthday, Tom!

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If you would like a nonsense birthday poem, leave your details in the comments section or email me at thelaughinghousewife@gmail.com

101/1001 (Week 100)

It has been almost four months since I last updated you on my 101 tasks in 1001 days challenge, mostly because it takes almost four months to write out the name of the challenge.

Do NaNoWriMo

I did do NaNoWriMo, sort of i.e. I got bored and gave up half way through.  I suspect than means I won’t complete the next challenge on the list:

Win NaNoWriMo.

English: Animated cartoon on a exercise bike (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ride my bike twenty out of thirty days

We are at Day 708 of the 1001 days and I have ridden my bike a total of zero times.  

On the plus side, I have told 708 jokes.

Expose myself to twenty new experiences (12/20)

Only had one new experience in sixteen weeks: wore a granny outfit and then shared the look with the world.  My post on the velour track suit refers.

Hit 250,000 visitors on my blog (289,099/250,000)

I completed this challenge and posted a photograph to prove it.  Things have slowed down since then: WordPress made it possible to comment on blogs via email, without having to visit.

Nice, WordPress – find a way to reduce everyone’s stats; I’m sure we all love you for it.

I need to set a new target; what do you think it should be?  There are 43 weeks left so please make it realistic, given WordPress’s propensity for scaring away actual visitors.

Free verse poem about loo roll theft, toilet, the office, Hackney, London, UK (Photo credit: gruntzooki)

Write 1001 new poems

I have written 688 so I am only 20 poems behind.  I usually catch up in April, which is National Poetry Writing Month.

This is the one challenge above all others which I am determined to complete.

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Make thirty submissions to competitions or publishers (29/30)

I have submitted five times in the last sixteen weeks, counting multiple poems to the same publisher/competition as one. If I have had success, you’ve heard about it.  I’m not one to hide my light under a bushel; I’m more likely to set the bushel on fire in my enthusiasm to share.

Films & Books

I reached my target and then some to watch 101 new films (114/101), but I am only halfway to my target of reading new books (51/101).  I have done lots of reading, but it tends to be of books that I love.  If I want to reach my target, I have to read 1.15 books a week between now and the end of the challenge.  It’s doable, but I’ll have to give up movies.

the Biggest loser strategy (Photo credit: HikingArtist.com)

 

Free, Tree And Dead Again Me

When you were 16, what did you think your life would look like?

M (James Bond) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Like I was a successful actress.

Does it look like that?

No.

Is that a good thing?

It is what it is.  I never had the courage to pursue it so I have nobody to blame but myself.  Regrets are useless so I don’t have any.  What I do have is a happy marriage and two gorgeous sons.  I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

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If you could choose to be a master (or mistress) of any skill in the world, which skill would you pick?

Cooking, so I could hang on to this perfect family I am slowly poisoning.

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“It’s never a good idea to discuss religion or politics with people you don’t really know.” Agree or disagree?

Well, dear WordPress prompter, I’d rather not say because I don’t really know you.

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Write your own eulogy.

Tilly’s death at the hands of irritated WordPress prompters was sudden but inevitable.  She never knew when to quit and they didn’t like her pointing out that she had recently had to write her own obituary and was it personal on their part or had they become FreudPress prompters?

Also, she knew her way around a box of Maltesers, but not a kitchen.

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Blue Bee (Photo credit: bob in swamp)

Most of us have heard the saying, “That’s the best thing since sliced bread!” What do you think is actually the best thing since sliced bread?

The internet.  How else would I have discovered a bunch of people around the world willing to send me stuff out of the blue?

Speaking of which, thank you for the book, Bee Blue.  I’d kiss you but I know how you feel about that.

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Go to the nearest window. Look out for a full minute. Write about what you saw.

A tree.

That’s it.  It’s bigger than our house and blocks the view to everything…no, wait: something’s behind it.  Is that a WordPress prompter with a stick of dynamite in her mask…?

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Describe your relationship with your phone. Is it your lifeline, a buzzing nuisance, or something in between?

I’m sure that once I discover how to turn it on, we’ll be the best of friends.

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A genie has granted your wish to build your perfect space for reading and writing. What’s it like?

Actor portraying blue Genie character in Disney’s Aladdin stage show (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s like Robin Williams. Since Aladdin, they all are.

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You have to learn a new skill. Do you prefer to read about it, watch someone else do it, hear someone describe it, or try it yourself?

Why do I need to learn a new skill?  I have my own personal genie.

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Write about anything you’d like. Somewhere in your post, include the sentence, “I heard the car door slam, and immediately looked a the clock.”

I was reading this post when I heard the car door slam, and immediately looked at the clock.  I knew it was the Grammar Police, come to take away the WordPress prompter who had one too few ‘t’s in his at.

Don’t Mess With The Sick Girl

2013_01_160002 we are second tired of these people (Photo credit: Gwydion M. Williams) Nothing to do with being ill but funny so I had to share it

As you may have noticed – and if you didn’t, leave me a compliment to make up for it – and if you do that, I’ll know you really don’t pay attention – I haven’t blogged for two days (jokes don’t count).  I’ve been sick.

The last time I spent more than one day in bed, another person came out of me (Spud: Let’s hope THAT doesn’t happen).  His nasty germ transmitted itself to me because, when Spud got sick, he told his father he must stay away; but that I had to look after him (Spud).  Being a mother, I did; and he repaid the love by infecting me.

How he wishes he hadn’t.

According to the Hub, I am a terrible sick person.  I am grouchy and mean and pathetic.  ’Imagine your mood if you were permanently hungry,’ is how he put it.

Don’t make me hungry; you wouldn’t like me when I’m hungry.  

The Hub has now started with the same symptoms, so Spud ignoring him for days obviously didn’t work.  The Hub’s M.E. always aggravates whatever he gets so that he gets it worse than the rest of us put together.  

Day One: The Hub reckons he feels so bad, he could be in a Findus pie.

A Belated Happy Birthday, Janet!

I feel terrible.*  Janet’s birthday was on 12/12/12.  She mentioned it on her blog and in my comments but I didn’t read either in time to respond.

I am quite literal: because Janet is too polite to say, Oi!  I want a poem! I didn’t write a poem for her birthday.  Remember, if you want a nonsense birthday poem, you must tell me in the comments or via email.  Maybe I need to set up a separate page.

Fortunately, Janet got over her politeness to demand, Oi!  Where’s my poem?

I first met Janet when she emailed me out of the blue to tell me that my gravatar was not linked to my blog.  We’ve been firm friends ever since.

Janet’s first language is Chinese but you’d think it was English.  She has a lovely, clever son of twelve, called Ben, who has his own rather impressive blog.  He could teach us all a thing or two about history.  Janet is sweet and kind and well worth a visit.

Happy Birthday JANET (Photo credit: ali eminov) You can find anything on the internet – even virtual cakes for friends!

A Birthday Apology To Janet Williams

Not elated
I’m belated
She’s deflated

On her birthday that’s not good
I’d time travel if I could
I know she’d understood

Battling with my tenses
This poem is nonsens-
ical’s my consensus

The kindest girl on the planet
is my dear, sweet Janet
whose name rhymes with ‘pomegranate’  

Umm, one more thing, chum:
you are a great mum
I mean it, by gum!

Happy birthday, Janet.  You have the honour of receiving my most nonsensical poem yet.

*Don’t worry: I can assure you that Janet will assure me that I have nothing to feel terrible about.  She’s that kind of person: kind.

Viv’s Home!

I would like to thank you all for the good wishes you sent to Viv, even though many of you don’t know her.

I’m happy to report that she’s back home, blogging, poeming and commenting. This is what she had to say:

I am overwhelmed with all the support and good wishes. Thank you all from the bottom of my newly repaired heart, which is very happy to be home at last.  

If you would like to read the story of her mishap with a hospital gown, hop on over to her blog.

Welcome back, Viv!  I missed you.

Happy Birthday Patti!

 

pat-a-cake pat-a-cake camping gal
take me a-trekking as fast as you can

climb up a mountain, live in a tent
write all about where you were and you went

chuck in a baby gap 15 years long
a teenage girl runner, tall-limbed and strong

throw in a pic of a mad man’s part-y
then follow instructions: sit down and read me

Patti writes a lovely, gentle blog so I have written her a lovely, gentle poem to match.

:

What she actually envisioned this post would be was something with small circles of ground meat involved, therefore, I have made a point of not calling her a hamburger.  

:

Today.

:

Have a wonderful day, Patti!

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If you would like a nonsense poem on your birthday, leave the date in the comments.

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That Friday Feeling

The sun is out; I’m going to a party tomorrow; and it’s back to school for Spud next Wednesday.

The temperature dropped by six degrees last night – last day of August; first day of autumn.  I wonder if the calendar knows that?

I’ve had a fairly quiet week.  That’s great for my body; dull for my blogging.

What shall we talk about?

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Britain’s First Gold at the Paralympics

Was won by a Stockport girl, Sarah Storey.  Yay!

In contrast to that wonderful young woman’s achievement, rugs worth £1m were found in a kitchen not five minutes from my house.

I’m sorry; there was a typo on that last line – drugs worth £1m were found in a house five minutes away.

But wouldn’t it have been great if it was rugs, and not 10kgs of cocaine?  People getting high on Axminster and shag pile…much more civilised.

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The Blog North Awards

Map of Northern England within Great Britain. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Are open for nominations until September 7th.  I know some of my readers are from the north of England so I thought you might be interested.

From their blurb:

Anyone can enter a blog (be it their own or someone else’s) for consideration by submitting a form on this page. People can nominate more than one blog. 

The awards are only open to people currently living and blogging in the North of England. Our border is the southern boundaries of Cheshire and Yorkshire; bloggers who live south of these counties will not be considered. (Yes, we know there are a bazillion different ideas about where the north begins, but this is what we’re going with.) Bloggers from Scotland and Wales will not be considered. Bloggers originally from the North who had the poor judgment to relocate elsewhere will not be considered.

I like their style!  We northerners are nothing if not proud and stuffed full of our own importance.

I would nominate myself but I’m a northerner; I have too much pride.  

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The Emperor’s New Clothes Bag

From the Telegraph:

Jil Sander is now flogging a glorified brown paper lunch bag for a whopping £185.

Obscene.  That’s more than my monthly food budget.  Imagine how many Maltesers I could buy with that money.

Hattie is right: this is the silly season.

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That’s all I’ve got.  Your turn to make conversation.

Please Talk Amongst Yourselves For A While

I have something coming up this week and I won’t be around much.  I have scheduled some reposts of old posts for you.  Enjoy!

Or ignore.

It’s up to you.  

It’s not like I can do anything about it.

But don’t leave me.

That would be too cruel.

I’ll be back next week, I swear.

Barring stray buses, of course, or Ebola.

Crosville SNG383 (GMB 383T) (Photo credit: iantherev)

Viv’s Not Dead

This is a first for me: an epitaph about someone who is not yet dead, nor likely to be (stray buses permitting).

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Viv’s Epitaph

She arrived.  Survived.  Made those around her smile.
Whatever age she was when she died,
it was too young.
Her many friends mourned.

She tried; she often succeeded.
Sometimes not: she made mistakes, like anyone.
But none her friends – so many friends -
ever needed to forgive.

She tried it if it was new,
if it was interesting, if it was fun,
if it was challenging.
If it was necessary.

She made things: beautiful things,
lots of things – quilts and poems
and children and devoted friends,
so many friends.

She was never mediocre.
Tart, upon occasion; and also kind, generous, warm.
Valuable and valued.  More will remember than will
ever forget, this great loss to so many friends.

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Viv is my next interview subject and I include this poem to give you a flavour of her before we start.  Viv wrote her own epitaph in response to a prompt and I felt she was too hard on herself.  I took her various statements and put my spin on them.

Viv and I met through the Open University.  In 2007, the year we both took the OU’s Creative Writing course, another OUer set up an online critiquing forum. Which means the first thing Viv and I probably said to each other was, That doesn’t work; try this.

Viv writes lovely poetry.  She excels at traditional forms, forms that I’m afraid to attempt myself.  They often come almost perfect from her pen and don’t need much tweaking.  She has been published quite a bit.  And she only took up poetry in her late sixties.

Viv makes the most sumptuous quilts.  My family owns three of them and covet more.

She has a real joie de vivre, which I knew online for four years; and finally enjoyed in person, when we met last year: Viv and her charming husband Jock invited us to visit their lovely home in France.  We laughed the whole time and it was as if we had never not known each other.

I apologise that I don’t have a photo of Viv by herself.  I don’t know how that happened; I probably couldn’t bear to be away from her.

Let’s find out a bit more about Viv:

How many colours has your hair been?  

Brown, pepper and salt, reddish, blondish, white = 5, of which all but two came naturally.

Who is the most annoying celebrity?  Why?  

Does that twirly-moustached idiot on the Go-Compare ads count?  We have to mute the TV when he comes on.

How do you cook eggs?   

Let me count the ways!  Boiled, poached, scrambled, fried, omelettes, French toast, in Scotch Eggs,  baked in cakes and meringues,  broken into  a well in a sausage pie and… and…  Or were you after a teach-in?

[See what I mean about tart?]

Karaoke: with or without alcohol?   

Never been, so I’ve no idea

Can you do a foreign accent? 

Yes, I’m like a sponge for picking up ambient accents.

Will you share an embarrassing moment?  

Off the top of my head?  Lost in Somerset, leaning out of the car to ask a passing pedestrian the way, IN FRENCH.

Tell us something about yourself you haven’t yet shared in your blog.

Could there be such a thing?  It’s all there for the world to see.    Ummm, I used to smoke.  Any use to you?

What would you give up rather than your computer? 

Alcohol – but I hardly drink at all these days, so that would be easy.  Is that cheating?

How do you feel about misplaced apostrophes?  

Rabid, and I blush down to my toenails if I find I’ve done one inadvertently.

[See why I love her?]

Tell us why we should read your blog. 

I don’t know.  It’s a mystery to me how I get so many readers.  I do my best, but it’s not funny, there’s nothing special about my poetry and  it’s a bit of a mish-mash of: (mostly) poetry prose, pictures, fiction, food and (I hope) some fun.

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For those of you interested in history, Viv’s war memoir is worth a look.

Go visit Viv at her blog, Vivinfrance, and then come back and thank me.  I nagged her into starting a blog so I deserve all the credit for unleashing this lovely woman onto the world.

Interview With The Grannymar

 

I think interviewing other bloggers is a nice idea.  I will be doing it intermittently and I will begin with Grannymar.  It is her reward for guessing correctly that I speak the truth, nineteen out of twenty times.

I had better start with another truth: Grannymar is an imposter – she’s not a real granny; it’s a nickname:

The name Grannymar (one word) was conferred on  me when I was in my early twenties and I love it. The guy who gave me that handle nowadays drives a 100 miles to take me to lunch and then drives all the way back home again!  

Can you believe that?  She gets a free lunch!

Grannymar has a great blog; see it here.  She posts photos from her travels, especially of sculptures, which I love.  She talks about her life; she shares recipes; she tells jokes (many of which you will have seen on this blog); and she has an active social life with her toyboys.  

Let’s ask her a few questions:

How many colours has your hair been?

My father always referred to my rich auburn hair as my ‘crowning glory’!  (A girl needs some help when she is as thin as a skeleton with the covering skin the colour of putty with a supersized coating of dirty freckles in summertime!)  With the years nature has slowly faded the freckles and the colour from my hair, the gold has turned to silver about my face, but from the back view it now looks like dark brown.  Tilly, I suppose the question you are really asking is if I ever added colour to my locks?  The answer is: No. I never had any desire to.

Who is the most annoying celebrity?  Why?

Since I do not have a television – by choice – I manage to avoid being force-fed what so-called celebs are doing, wooing, eating, not eating, or generally how they are misbehaving.  So I am really unable to answer this one.

How do you cook eggs?

I love eggs boiled, baked or even caked, but when time is at a premium an omelette makes a quick and tasty meal.  Two or three eggs broken into a bowl and mixed with a fork to break the yolks and barely mix them through the whites (DO NOT BEAT).  Pour onto a hot greased pan and working quickly, draw the setting egg in towards the centre with a spatula, then tilt the pan to spread the uncooked liquid egg.  Repeat until all the ‘runny’ mixture has gone.  Sprinkle with scraps of chopped cooked ham, spring onions, tomatoes, cooked mushrooms or cheese.  A little filling goes a long way.  Fold over in half and serve with a salad or chips if you are feeling naughty.  Serve immediately!

Karaoke: with or without alcohol?

I do take a drink, but it is not necessary for me to be a fun player.

I have been to Karaoke, called to the stage, and tried to sing!  It was when Elly, my daughter, was at University in Scotland.  Back in those days I earned my stripes on my visits to see her, by being dragged to the students union, karaoke, pub quiz evenings & Sunday brunches where they read the papers and did the crosswords.  The excuse for bringing me was that I would be able to answer the ‘old’ questions!  Some of the grey cells still work!

Can you do a foreign accent?

I do try, but it works best if I am imitating someone I know from another country.

Will you share an embarrassing moment?

Only one?  My life has been full of embarrassing moments but most have been chronicled on my blog (I am not shy!).  I am struggling to think of one not written about already. Nothing new comes to mind so in true Blue Peter  style I will give you a link to one I prepared earlier: An Idea  

Tell us something about yourself you haven’t yet shared in your blog.

After six years? My blog is me! I have at this stage even morphed into my blog handle. Now let me see….

I have a scar on one of my fingers from the time I broke a caravan window trying to reach a toyboy… I was inside and he was outside….

Now you will have to wait for the full story until I blog about it!!

What would you give up rather than your computer?

Chocolate!

How do you feel about misplaced apostrophes?

As somebody who has and still struggles with spelling and grammar, if I was to worry about misplaced apostrophes…I would never open the laptop!

I get my message across in my own way.

Tell us why we should read your blog.

Because it is another wet day and you cannot go out to play!

Because I spout some rubbish almost everyday.

Because you can read about my Toyboys – but no stealing!!

And finally…

Because I offer you a very warm welcome.

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And as an honest blogger, I can verify that last statement.  Go on over to Granny’s blog and say hello.  You’ll get a warm welcome!

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All photographs copyright and courtesy of Grannymar.

 

101/1001 (Week 67)

Time for a challenge update.

Find 26 unfamiliar words, one for each letter of the alphabet; then use them in a post a day for 26 days. (Words: 23/26)

I still need words for the letters J/U/Y.  Any more ideas? 

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Make thirty submissions to competitions or publishers (21/30)

I’ve made three in the last seven weeks.  One you know about – the Bolton Arts Trail; I’ve been shortlisted for another.  I can’t remember what the third was but you know that if I get good news, I’ll share it. 

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Bridesmaids (2011 film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Watch 101 new films (63/101)

I’ve seen five films new to me since my last 101 post.  I can only remember two: Bridesmaids, which was amusing in parts but over-hyped; I don’t know what all the fuss was about.  I did think the main character had an underlying sweetness to her, which redeemed the gross-out parts, but I doubt I’ll watch it again.  It’s no You’ve Got Mail.  Now there’s a romcom worthy of the name.

The other was Repeaters:  it was Groundhog Day with drugs and guns.  I thought it was an interesting study of living a life with no consequences.  But I won’t watch it again.

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Some of my failed/not yet tackled challenges:

• Find another 64 challenges for the list. (32/64) All suggestions gratefully received but not necessarily acted upon. I’m a wimp.
• Get a job.
• Save £1 for each completed task. Once I get £101 together, I can treat my family. £1 per task is my limit because, as the saying goes, there’s always too much month at the end of the money. (0/101)
• Do a REAL spring clean.
• Leave my poems in 101 locations. (0/101)
• Answer all comments received in one day with song lyrics.
• Walk the dogs for 1001 hours (338.55/1001)

My miserable lack of success in these areas can be blamed on the rain and/or the recession.  You try walking two reluctant Yorkies in a downpour and see how long you spend in the dog box.

I still need 32 challenges for the next eighteen months.  If you have one that is cheap, free or fun and cheap/free, let me know.

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I have completed three challenges:

Blog 1111 times (1115/1111)

I claimed to have done this in my last 101 post, but my maths was faulty: 1017 is less than 1111, not greater than. I have posted 98 times in the last seven weeks, however, so I really have met the target this time.

What should my new target be, do you think? Before you start toying with me, bear in mind that you have to read any posts I write…

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Learn how to scan photos for my blog.

I can’t believe I did this, but I did. Here’s proof:

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Not play on King.com for a total of 101 days (101/101)

Day 101 was yesterday.  It was not the triumph I had envisaged: when I set this task for myself, I was addicted to King.com.  Now I am addicted to blogging and don’t play many games.  Maybe I should set a task of not blogging for a total of 101 days…

As if!

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Someone Stole The Internet

Internets = srs.biz. Parody motivator. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Going to post this unedited just to make sure you get it; then I’ll fix it if I’m still here.

Woke up early this morning feeling horrible: D-Day* had arrived; or, more accurately, RCT-Day**. 

*Dentist Day

**Root Canal Treatment Day.  Doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, does it?

Turned to my beloved internet for comfort, only to find that the internet had disappeared.  It didn’t work on any of the four computers, three phones and two consoles I tried.

Quickly kicked the Hub out of bed to investigate.  Investigations turned up the fact that the internet had disappeared.

Hub called Virgin. 

Virgin said, ‘Can’t come ’til Thursday.’

Hub said, ‘But my wife will kill me.’

Virgin said, ‘Can’t come ’til Thursday.’

Hub sent Spud to tell me the bad news.

Hub lives; but only because  I can’t find him.

Went to dentist.

Came home.

Internet back on; Hub lives to quake another day.

Internet may not stay on, so please bear with me.

Related articles

• Root Canal FAQ (topdentists.com)