Joke 762

Cymru placenames cartoon postcard 2 (Photo credit: carlmorris)

George, an English visitor to the small Welsh town of Aberaeron, Cardiganshire, was approached by one of the deacons of the local chapel who asked him whether he would like to attend their chapel on the following Sunday.

‘Wouldn’t that be a little pointless?’ replied George politely.  ’After all, your services are held in Welsh and I don’t understand the language.’

‘Ah yes, boyo,’ answered the deacon, ‘but the collection is in English.’

From Will & Guy.

Talk, Task & Just Too Weird

[victorian child care] (Photo credit: RHiNO NEAL)

*

A conversation after the zugzwang of yesterday’s post:

Me [puzzled and a little distressed]: I wrote a really lovely post for Tory Boy’s birthday.  It was supposed to be funny, but it was nice instead.

Hub [genuinely sympathetic]: Aw, never mind, sweetie.

*

*

Less words… (Photo credit: shtikl)

*

Today is the last day of my 26 words in 26 posts challenge.  

I succeeded!

If by ‘succeeded’ I mean, ‘Didn’t include joke posts and there was one day when I forgot to include a new word.’

I hope you enjoyed learning 26 new words and their meanings which, if you are anything like me, you will immediately have forgotten.

To refresh your memory, here are the last three words of the challenge:

Xu: an aluminum* coin of Vietnam, the 100th part of a dong.

*aluminium, if you speak English.

Ylem: the original substance of the universe from which all matter is said to be derived.  So that’s where babies come from…

Zugzwang: a position in which one player can move only with loss or severe disadvantage i.e. there’s no getting around it – yesterday’s post was bad for my image.

*

*

E-collar (Photo credit: sean94110)

Today’s WordPress prompt:

In the DC comics universe, a planet called “Htrae” (“Earth” spelled backwards) is populated with bizarre versions of superheroes. A Seinfeld episode made the idea of this Bizarro World popular, where the characters encountered their opposite selves.

Craft a scene in which you meet an opposite version of yourself — or a story in a bizarre, backwards world.

Welcome, welcome, Laughing Housewife, to our WordPress Prompters’ office. We love your responses to our prompts and enjoy the way you poke fun at us, without mercy or regard for your blog’s safety.

Thank you, Dear WordPress Prompter, I replied; I came to inform you, however, that I regret my past arrows through your hearts and have decided to cease tormenting yo…

I’m sorry, dear readers: some worlds are so bizarre that my head explodes even thinking about it.

 

Joke 757

early childhood education (Photo credit: Graela)

Things Mom Would Never Say

• “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
• “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
• “Just leave all the lights on…it makes the house look more cheery.”
• “Let me smell that shirt…Yeah, it’s good for another week.”
• “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”
• “Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
• “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
• “I don’t have a tissue with me…just use your sleeve.”
• “Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.”

From ahajokes.

Joke 752

How To Translate Academic Jargon

Breakfast Theory: A Morning Methodology (Photo credit: askpang)

When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.

“IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN”
I didn’t look up the original reference.

“WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS”
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

“THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY”
The other results didn’t make any sense.

“TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN”
This is the prettiest graph.

“THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT”
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

“IN MY EXPERIENCE”
Once.

“IN CASE AFTER CASE”
Twice.

“IN A SERIES OF CASES”
Thrice.

“IT IS BELIEVED THAT”
I think.

“IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT”
A couple of others think so, too.

“CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE” 
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

“ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS”
Rumour has it.

“A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS”
A really wild guess.

“A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA”
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

“IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS”
I don’t understand it…and I never will.

“AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES”
They don’t understand it either.

“A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY”
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

“IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD”
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.

From Will & Guy

Joke 743

On Growing and Being Old

I confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.  She turned to me and asked, ‘Are you having it catered?’

*

Just before the funeral service, the undertaker asked the elderly widow, ‘How old was your husband?’

’98,’ she replied; ‘two years older than me.’

‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.

She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’

Age Gets Better With Wine (Photo credit: Jill Clardy)

*

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’

The woman replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

*

I’ve sure gotten old!  I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.  I’m half blind, can’t hear anything  quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have poor circulation and can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  I can’t remember how many years it’s been since my 85th birthday.  But thank goodness, I still have my driver’s licence.

*

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.  I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.  I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.  But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

*

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.  First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.  ’Why Wal-Mart?’

‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week.’

*

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Want to know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

*

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

*

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Thanks to Granny1947 for forwarding this email doing the rounds.

I’m Not Giving Up Blogging…

…but I have to scale back

For a while, at least.

In the past few months my visits to your blogs have been intermittent at best; and in the past two weeks, almost non-existent.   I struggle to find the time but I don’t want to neglect you.  Not returning your visits is bad manners and I apologise.  Interaction is a huge part of what makes blogging fun; no interaction, and it’s just me talking at you.  I have battled guilt about it; guilt always wins. That has reduced my enjoyment of blogging.    

Peter Steiner’s cartoon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have decided to take the advice I always give to other bloggers who make these sort of Help! I’m drowning in unanswered comments! posts – if you’re not enjoying blogging, then stop.  I’m feeling a little burned out by blogging and it’s not as much fun as it used to be.

If you see me as rutilant – as I hope you do – you will naturally be devastated by my announcement, so I should make one thing clear:

I am not giving up blogging

• I will continue to post my daily joke
• I will post at least twice a week
• More, if I feel like it
• I will answer comments if I can
• I will not visit you every day but I will try to visit more than I have been doing
• I will understand if you decide to leave me, but don’t be surprised if I cry

If you don’t want the hassle of checking in every day in the understandable but forlorn hope that I might have deigned to talk to you today, you can always subscribe – third widget on the right then straight on for mourning.

Subscribers up = visits down but taking a hit on my hits is the least I deserve for my despicable dereliction of blogging duty.

I hope this is just a temporary situation and you’ll hang around to find out.  But I’m selfish like that.

Happy blogging!

*

*

The two previous words:

Pleonastic – the use of more words than are necessary to express an idea. Guilty as charged.  Always.

Quoz – something queer or absurd.  Again, guilty as charged.

 

Joke 711

Internet Bank Robbery (Photo credit: michaelmolenda)

A robber burst into a bank, pointed his guns at the teller and said, ’Give me all your money, or you’ll be geography!’  

The teller replied, ‘I think you mean ‘history’.’

The robber answered, ‘Don’t change the subject.’

From several places on the internet.

 

 

Joke 671

Q:  How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:  Why does it have to be changed?

***

Three guys are sitting at a bar.

#1: “…Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes.”

#2: “What do you do for a living?

“#1: “I’m a stockbroker. How much do you make?

#2: “I should clear $60,000 this year.”

#1: “What do you do?”

#2: “I’m an architect.”

The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.

#2: “Hey, how much do you make per year?”

#3: “I guess about $13,000.”

#1: “Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?”

***

 

*

From writersjokes.

Joke 649

Happy New Year to all of my readers!

May you laugh long and hard in 2013, and not in a crazy way.

*Shumone obvushly had a drinkipoos when they wrote thish

• A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
• My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic.  I’m going to keep my cup half-full – with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
• My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
• I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.

From jokes4us

Joke 638

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

• You strike a match and light your nose. 
• You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 
• You hear a duck quacking and it’s you. 
• You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 
• You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 
• You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 
• You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 
• You tell everyone you have to go home…and the party’s at your place.
• You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
• You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 
• You yawn at the biggest bore in the room and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror. 
• You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 
• You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

From ahajokes.

Joke 631

Some Christmas quotes from searchquotes.  If no source is given the quote is anonymous.

• Santa reads your Facebook status…he’s getting you a dictionary for Christmas.  
• If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don’t worry: I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.  
• Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.   Johnny Carson
• On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I’m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends-a-pokin & a creep who won’t stop inboxing meeee!   
• Look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?  Bill Watterson
• What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.  

This next one is so sad, I had to put it in the middle so you didn’t leave here in tears.

Shirley Temple:

• I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

Back to the funny:

• Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.   
• Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.  Victor Borge
• Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?  Tom Armstrong
• Don’t ever worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.  Larry Wilde
• Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.  

Didn’t I Tell You We Brits Were Understated?

I read a report on Sky News that it’s going to be the end of the world on December 21st.  Why did nobody tell me?  I need to make sure I finish my Christmas shopping.  

I have often wondered why governments advise people not to panic but never advise them that the time is now right to panic.  Think this could be one of those times?

According to Sky:

British authorities have insisted they are prepared for the looming apocalypse and have issued advice on how to cope.

In the event that the world ends on December 21, the public should check the car, fit a smoke alarm and learn to make a fire.

The AA warned: “Before heading off, take time to do the basic checks on your car and allow extra time for your journey.  Local radio is a good source of traffic and weather updates and for any warnings of an impending apocalypse. Should the announcer break such solemn news, try to remain focused on the road ahead and keep your hands on the wheel.”

The Apocalypse is all very well but heaven help the driver who doesn’t keep their hands in the ten and two position.

Even the scouts are getting in on the act (well, they would, wouldn’t they, with a motto like Be Prepared?):

The assistant director of the Scouts said: “If you are a scout, you know how to light a fire, how to cook, how to make a shelter. There are probably going to be no computers or electricity in the post-apocalyptic world so get a basic essential guide, there are loads around in the library such as Scouting For Boys -  it was written in 1908 but it will still be relevant after the apocalypse.”

Stiff upper lip, a good cup of tea and a visit to the library, that’s how we Brits will deal with the end of the world.   What will your nation do?

Not Much Of Anything

I saw this on Facebook and really liked it:

 

Christmas Will Never Be The Same Because of Twitter [cartoon] (Photo credit: methodshop.com)

 

I didn’t forget the November searches but they were so dull, most weren’t worth sharing.  Here are the two funniest:

• ostrich taxes for fat people
• sweaty armpits of south indian cows

1590724263_12337be064_o (Photo credit: Ludie Cochrane)

I woke up to an email from my beloved younger son:

I’ve not been the starring role in any posts recently and this needs to be rectified.  Yours impolitely, Favourite Son.

What do you think?  Should I write about Spud?

Joke 618

This one was sent to my by ScarlettRuby last Christmas.

*

I came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone.

What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar?

*

 

Get Well Soon, Viv!

6WS friend Viv is in hospital

I know a lot of you visit Viv through Six Word Saturday, so I thought you’d like to know she’s in hospital.

The phone rang yesterday:

TB: Hello?  Whoisitwhaddyawantstopbotheringmewiththesestupidcoldcalls!

Viv: It’s Viv.

TB: Bev?

Viv: Viv!

TB: Bev who?

Viv: I’m going to climb out of this hospital bed and onto a plane and knock the dumb out of you if you don’t open your ears.  Viv!

Okay, I might have made that last bit up, which you all know because you know how lovely and sweet and generous and kind and caring Viv is; but I don’t do mushy, so I make stuff up to mask my anxiety.

Viv’s main problem is that she’s been unhooked from wi-fi.  The only cure for that is to get out of hospital ASAP and come home.

Get well soon, my lovely Viv.