The Beginning Of The Enderverse

Regular readers of this blog know, having been told over and over (and assuming that they were paying attention), that Ender’s Game by Scorson Ott card…let me re-type that, I’m so excited!…by Orson Scott Card, is my Desert Island Book. Assuming, that is, that they give you a book on top of the Bible and The Complete Works of Shakespeare.  If not, I might have to take it as my luxury item instead of the giant vat of Vaseline I had set my heart upon.

Vaseline is fabulous:

• Lubricant: to grease rusted screws from washed-up airplane parts that I can turn into three-storey homes and life rafts
• Skin softener: to protect me from the harsh elements
• Lip salve: Vaseline’s most vital function in my own universe: have you ever tried smiling at strangers when your lips are cracked?  Don’t.  It frightens them
• Frying grease: I’ll need all my fat stores, obviously, because I can’t hunt or grow vegetables.  My best hope will be to eat suicidal sharks.  I’ve eaten shark.  It tastes fishy.  But I don’t do sushi, hence the Vaseline.  Fat stores are the reason I don’t diet – in case of desert island castawaying.  I find a good precaution is never wasted
• Sore sealant: it’s what they put on boxers’ cuts to stop the blood obscuring their vision as they pound each other to pulp.  Which brings me back to Ender’s Game:

My beloved eldest son (this month’s favourite child as a result of what I’m about to tell you) sent me a link yesterday: the film of the book is FINALLY made!

The book was written in 1985 and is beloved around the world, but various attempts to film it were defeated because the Battle Room was just too difficult to turn into hard copy.

Thankfully, CGI is now so sophisticated, the dream has become reality. Imaginary reality, of course, but you get my drift.  Remember – the enemy’s gate is down!

I’m sure it won’t be the only book in the series to be filmed, but I do hope they go the Bean route rather than the Ender route.

You don’t know what I’m talking about, but I don’t care: I’m happy in my own little world.  Unlike poor Ender, a lonely child soldier.

Dystopian futures – I love ‘em.  Ho!

 

 

Joke 777

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.  He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!

*

“The cop asked, “What’s he like?”

*

The little boy replied, “Beer and women with big boobs.”

From the internetjokedatabase.

 

Sweet Gangnam Style by Greater Manchester Police

Reblogged from Janet's Notebook:

• 

I read from Police Inspector about this warm-hearted video clip. The video is absolutely brilliant, filled with British humour. Apparently, Greater Manchester Police's job is not just policing or catching murderers. They do a Gangnam Style -- involving police vans, police on bike, sexy dinner ladies, a panda and a zombie like figure.

I must say this is the sweetest Gangham Style parody.

Read more… 42 more words

I saw this in March and meant to reblog it then. Ah well; it's a nice way to celebrate the end of April.

Joke 766

find x (Photo credit: *n3wjack’s world in pixels)

Especially for Terry, who asked for school jokes.

• Pupil: If a person’s brain stops working, does he die?  Teacher: You’re alive, aren’t you?
• Q: How do you spell Hard Water with three letters?  A: ICE.
• Q: Why don’t you see giraffes in elementary school?  A: Because they’re all in high school.
• Q: Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?  A: She couldn’t control her pupils.
• Teacher: What is the plural of mouse? Pupil:  Mice.  Teacher:  Good, now what’s the plural of baby?  Pupil: Twins.
• Teacher:  So your dog ate your homework?  Fred: Yes.  Teacher:  And where is your dog? Fred: He’s at the vet. He doesn’t like math any more than I do.
• Pupil:  Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do? Teacher: Of course not.  Pupil:  Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
• Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Amy’s test paper.  Pupil:  I hope you didn’t see me either!

Find these and many more on Twitter, @schooljokes.

 

Joke 764

Children Liquidation (Photo credit: Magna Designs)

Rachel was out walking with Jackie, her four-year-old daughter.  Jackie picked something up off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.  Rachel asked her not to do that.

‘Why Mummy?’ asked Jackie.

‘Because it’s been lying outside and is dirty and probably has germs,’ said Rachel.

Jackie looked at her mother in admiration and asked, ‘Wow, Mummy, how do you know stuff like that?’

‘Oh…everyone knows this stuff.  Um, it’s in the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they won’t let you be a Mummy.’

‘Oh…’  Jackie seemed confused.  Mother and daughter strolled along in silence for some minutes, as Jackie pondered this new information.

‘I get it,’ Jackie’s face beamed with realisation. ‘Then if you flunk the test, you have to be the Daddy.’

From Will & Guy.

Joke 757

early childhood education (Photo credit: Graela)

Things Mom Would Never Say

• “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
• “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
• “Just leave all the lights on…it makes the house look more cheery.”
• “Let me smell that shirt…Yeah, it’s good for another week.”
• “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”
• “Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
• “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
• “I don’t have a tissue with me…just use your sleeve.”
• “Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.”

From ahajokes.

Joke 750

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.

Funny Face (8 of 12) (Photo credit: merfam)

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Trek epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s going to get it wrong.

From ajokeaday.com

Joke 746

Heaven (Photo credit: adyyflickr)

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?”

“No!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?”

Again the answer was “No!”

“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 745

Cartoon by Dave Walker

An English public school was forced to raise its fees.  The headmaster decided that the simplest way was to implement an across the board 7% increase per annum.  Unfortunately, when the secretary typed the letter, she missed out a crucial ‘n’ in the last word of the letter, consequently, it read thus:

Dear Parent

Due to increased building costs, I have decided reluctantly to raise the fees by 7% per anum.

About a week later, one concerned parent replied, saying:

Dear Headmaster

I regret your increase in fees, but I would like to continue paying through the nose as before.

***

This is alleged to be the message that a School staff in the Worcester area voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children’s failing marks changed to passing marks – even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.

The Message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.  In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

• To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
• To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2
• To complain about what we do - Press 3
• To swear at staff members - Press 4
• To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5
• If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6
• If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
• To complain about school lunches - Press 8
• To complain about bus transport - Press 9
• If you realize this is the real world, and your child must be accountable and responsible for their own behaviour, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day!

From Will & Guy.

 

 

Joke 739

Score! (Photo credit: dancingshiba)

Three year old Greg put his shoes on by himself.  His father noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot and the right shoe on the left foot. He told his son, ‘Greg, your shoes are on the wrong feet.’

Greg looked at his father with a quizzical expression and replied, ‘Don’t mess me about, Dad, I know they’re my feet.’

Shoes walking in circles (Photo credit: HikingArtist.com)

                 *     

This is not a joke but it is amusing; if it’s a true story, you have to admire their style.

There was once a family firm which cornered the feet market.  

One brother sold shoes.  Each shoe had a hidden fatal flaw.  As a direct result the victim’s feet needed treatment with the second brother, who was the only chiropodist in town.

The chiropodist was so incompetent that the only way the victim could get home was in a taxi.  

The third brother had the only taxi firm in town.

From Will & Guy.

Joke 732

Because you seemed to enjoy yesterday’s jokes so much, I found some more.

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

*

An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain’t never seen anything like that before!”

At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”

Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

*

It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with his mother. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.

“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his father told him.

“Wouldn’t you know it,” Johnny fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go and he shows up.”

*

Cartoons and jokes from swapmeetdave.

 

Joke 731

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.  The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a

Loud Yelling Please (Photo credit: Enokson)

human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

*

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.  As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

The  girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

*

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to ‘honour thy Father and thy Mother’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

One little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

*

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast with her brunette hair.  She asked, ‘Why are some of
your hairs white, Mum?’

Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

The little girl thought about this for a while and then said, ‘How come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

*

Phila. Teachers on Capitol Steps, Wash., D.C., 5/13/11 (LOC) (Photo credit: The Library of Congress)

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  ’Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

*
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a parochial elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  The aide made a note, and posted it on the apple tray:

Take only ONE…God is watching.

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  A child had written a note:

Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

Thanks to Katharine Trauger at Home’s Cool! for these.

 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Lost In The Details

Spud is sick again.  He’s had one bug after another since Christmas, but he hasn’t missed one day of school.  Fortunately, he had the worst bug during half term, when he barely got out of bed.

It’s his play this week.  You may remember he’s playing Prospero in The Tempest.  For those who don’t do Shakespeare, it’s the lead and he bears a huge responsibility.

He hasn’t missed one rehearsal.  With weekend rehearsals he hasn’t had one day off in over two weeks.  He is currently dosed up on anti-cold medicines and vitamin C, determined not to let anyone down.

We have always stressed to our children that if they take on a commitment, they must stick it out.  He’s doing that.

What gets lost in the details, however, is that he’s a seventeen-year old boy and he’s doing this for fun.  I wonder how much fun he’s having, taking his homework along to do in today’s dress rehearsal lunch break?

I am never embarrassed to boast about my children; and today, I even have reason.

I’m proud of you, Spud.  That will never get lost in the details.  It’s a brave new world that has people such as you in it.

Mother hysteria: The curious case of the caught nipple

Reblogged from Sarsm's Blog:

Reini's evening started something like this:

His one and only son called him at work and announced, "There's been an accident... In the kitchen... With the mixing machine... And Mum..."

I should probably admit to you, at this point, that we have recently been playing rather a lot of Cluedo.

◊◊◊

I've just risen out of a calming bath (despite at least two children being in the room at any one time, babbling) and looking down at my naked body I can see a few tell-tale signs of the week gone by.

Read more… 1,249 more words

If you like to laugh, then you're going to love this true story...

Joke 694

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. 

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. 

“This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?” 

“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” 

And the old man enjoyed peace.

From ajokeaday.com