Tag Archives: Christmas

The Best Laid Plans Of Mice And Buds

13 Dec
Cover of "The Muppet Christmas Carol - Ke...

Cover via Amazon

As we are now in the final week of the 101/1001 challenge, I had intended to write a celebratory post each day about the experience.  Yesterday’s post was abandoned because of migraine; today’s because of unexpected visitors.  The coming week’s itinerary includes Christmas grocery shopping, Christmas shopping for just about everyone (for various reasons we haven’t been able to do much this year), a girls’ night in, visitors, visitors and more visitors (it is Christmas, after all) and the annual screening of A Muppet Christmas Carol for the boys and me.

I have to mark the end in some way, however, so here’s a summary of what I would have written, if I’d had the time:

  • It was fun
  • It was hard work
  • I didn’t complete all of the challenges
  • But that’s okay because it was meant to be for fun, anyway
  • Which it was
  • I’m pleased with the challenges I did complete
  • My favourite task was…

…but that’s all I have time for today – there’s a mop calling me (can’t have my guests knowing how dirty I really am).

I will try very hard to wrap up the past two and a half years’ experiences in the next five days, but I can’t guarantee it.  I feel a bit of a muppet.

 

Joke 987

5 Dec
frein

frein (Photo credit: Ludie Cochrane)

The first three jokes are from Reader’s Digest.

These holiday “headlines” — concocted by the satirists at the Onion — are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth. 

• Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings 
• Study Finds Link Between Red Wine/Letting Mother Know What You Really Think 
• Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year 
• Book Given as Gift Actually Read

*

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.”

His response: “Receipts.”

*

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.

“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”

He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?”

*

And from the archive:

*

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went camping. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of wine, they retired to their tent for the night.  At about 3 a.m., Holmes nudged Watson and said, “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

Holmes asked, “And what does that tell you?”

Watson replied, “Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it’s about 3 a.m.  Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes retorted, “It tells me someone stole our tent.”

*

And on a similar theme, this one is from real life.

The Hub: I fancy watching a new series coming on, Pet Detectives.

Spud: Do you know who solves the mysteries?

The Hub [walking straight into it]: No.

Spud: Sherlock Bones.

 

Christmas Decorating

4 Dec

As you can see, I have decorated my blog for Christmas.

Christmas in the post-War United States

Christmas in the post-War United States (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I changed some colour scheme or other so that bits are red instead of green.  It was an accident: I was looking for a way to remove empty boxes from my dashboard.  I rather like the red; don’t you?

The empty boxes are still there, of course.  I’m rubbish at this technical stuff.

I also changed my header, courtesy of the genius Aquatom, who sent me a choice of four Christmas headers out of the blue.  Thank you, Tom!

I am not going with snow this year and I am not changing the theme.  Blame the economy*.

*It doesn’t cost bloggers anything to change those things but if politicians can blame their laziness to fix things on the economy, then so can I.

 

Now That The Festive Season Is Over…

29 Dec

…I am enjoying the restive season

My middle-aged bones are not what they were.  I could once prepare for Christmas throughout the whole of December, look after a big house and a small family, host as many as twenty-two people for Christmas Dinner and four grandparents for a week, throw in a New Year’s Eve party with guests sleeping in the lounge, bakkie and their own tent in our large garden, manage the cooking, cleaning and washing, and still wear make up and a big smile at the end of it.

Now, five of us for Christmas Dinner and my legs ache, my back creaks, my tired body slept until nine this morning and make up?  Forget it.  The Hub knows what I look like with a naked face.  If he doesn’t like it, he can hobble through the door.

Roll on grandkids, when my sons can start hosting Christmas.

PS That NYE party when guests camped in our garden?  They woke on New Year’s Day to find their tent smothering them.  Our Doberman had chewed through the ropes in the night.

English: Christmas is over 2 It must have been...

English: Christmas is over 2 It must have been some kind of party in Gillingham around New Year’s Eve 2010. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For more Six Word Saturdays go here.

Christmas Menu

28 Dec
The Hub usually takes a better picture than this but he was in a hurry for his dinner

The Hub usually takes a better picture than this but he was in a hurry for his dinner

As I’ve done nothing but eat since Christmas Eve, I have nothing to tell you.  

Unless I go with what I’ve been eating.  

That’s what I’ll do.

IMGP2474

Here is our Christmas Dinner Menu (sans forgotten starter):

  • Turkey
  • Gammon
  • Chicken
  • I forgot to put out the sausages, though I did cook them
  • Cauliflower (for those who don’t like Cauliflower Cheese)
  • Cauliflower Cheese (for those who don’t like cauliflower on its own)
  • Broccoli
  • Parsnips in honey
  • Carrots
  • Peas
  • Green Beans
  • Sprouts
  • Mediterranean Vegetable Mix (because it looked tasty)
  • Mashed Potatoes (using the good margarine)
  • Roast Potatoes (cooked in the meat fat)
  • Homemade Yorkshire Puddings (because the Hub prefers them)
  • Shop-bought Yorkshire puddings (because Spud prefers them)
  • Homemade Gravy (using the meat stock – all three)
  • Homemade Apple Pie
  • Rhubarb Pie
  • Alison’s Fantastic Cheesecake (she always makes a huge one for the Hub at Christmas)
  • Chocolate Fudge Cake
  • Toblerone Cake
  • Frosted Fancies
  • Assorted Sponge Cakes
  • Bakewell Tarts
  • Cream

Is it any wonder I’ve done nothing since Christmas Day?

Apart from our traditional Boxing Day Buffet, that is.  

That list is even longer, so here’s an illustration instead (without puddings):

Boxing Day Savouries

Boxing Day Savouries

Like a reformed Scrooge, it is always said of me that I know how to keep Christmas well.  If my guests explode when they leave, that’s down to them being guzzleguts.

The Drooping Housewife

27 Dec
Pajama

Pajama (Photo credit: Ramona.Forcella)

Apologies that I have not yet responded to your comments or visited your blogs.  I am what is technically known as ‘knackered’.  

Quite apart from the Christmas build-up and all the work involved, we have had a lot of (welcome) visitors, including on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.

Tory Boy arrived late on Sunday night and left at seven this morning – the first time in about six years that he hasn’t worked Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.  I was afraid I would oversleep and miss saying goodbye so of course I woke up every hour and I feel like a zombie this morning.  I managed a couple of hours on the couch, when I fell asleep watching TV.

I have decided to take a pyjama day.  I promise to wash and brush my teeth so I don’t smell, but I’m not getting dressed.  I’m going to catch up on some TV and eat leftovers.

You are welcome to visit, but bring your dressing gown and slippers.

 

That Was Weird

26 Dec

IMGP2409

I had a lovely Christmas Day.

It was weird.

Usually, the boys wake us around seven.  We have never had enough sleep the night before.  For the first time, it was gone eight (that was particularly weird for me – I get up around six every day).

Usually, I insist that discarded wrapping paper goes straight into bags for recycling.  This year, I let it pile up on the floor and the dogs played in it.  The mess was soon cleared up afterwards.

Usually, it takes us about two hours to unwrap all the presents.  We take turns, decipher the clues we have written for each other, and thank the giver.  That didn’t change.  We once spent Christmas with a family who dived in to the presents in a frenzy, opening everything at once.  It took eight people fifteen minutes, tops.  It might be fun but there was no laughter at bad guesses and daft clues, no gratitude from the receiver for the effort made by the giver.  We like to savour our gift-gifting.

Usually, the Hub has to go back to bed for a couple of hours; yesterday, he didn’t, though he did doze on the couch while I made dinner.  That’s normal.

Usually, we don’t walk the dogs on Christmas Day, the only day of the year they don’t get a walk.  Yesterday, because it has rained so much in the last two weeks, we took them out while it wasn’t.  It was the Hub, the Nephew and me.  Lovely.  

It’s not so lovely trying to find dog poo in the dark, but I’ll gloss over that bit.

Usually, we have a starter.  Yesterday, I only remembered it as I was about to dish up, so we didn’t.  No one cared.

Usually, I am a terrible stress head about making Christmas Dinner.  Last year I cried because the roast potatoes were too big.  This year, not only were the roasties perfect, but I didn’t stress at all, timing everything just right.  The only wee bit of stress was when the boys came to help and I had to leave the kitchen while they squabbled about stupid things.  It was liking watching an all-male version of my marriage.

Usually, I finish my dinner, Christmas or otherwise.  Yesterday, I was the only one who didn’t, and who didn’t have seconds.  That’s ten pounds I’ll never put on.

Usually, we pull our crackers after dinner.  Yesterday, because of lack of space, we pulled them first and ate with paper hats on our heads,  Most jolly!

Usually, we watch a film after dinner.  Yesterday, for the first time in years, we didn’t.  We watched Doctor Who – of course – and other Christmas TV specials. Usually, we’re too stuffed to laugh, but The Royle Family took care of that.

Usually, I fall into bed on Christmas night around eleven, as the one and sometimes two glasses of wine kick in.  This year I drank Buck’s Fizz.  A whole bottle, without it going to my head.  Rather impressed with my hard head, I have just looked it up and it is one part alcohol to two parts orange juice…I still have a soft head.

All in all, a lovely day.  I love the routine of Christmas; don’t you?

 

Today

25 Dec

Merry Christmas to all,

and to all a good time!

Joke 642

25 Dec
christmas paint

christmas paint (Photo credit: cassie_bedfordgolf)

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Mary

Mary who?

Mary Christmas!

Nativity

Nativity (Photo credit: Secret Tenerife)

 

Writingthisinahurry…

24 Dec
christmas tree

christmas tree (Photo credit: peminumkopi)

IhadintendedtowritealongpostabouthowmuchI’vegottodotoday.

but.

i’vegottoomuchtodotofindtimetowriteaboutit.

so.

ifyoucelebratetheholidays,merryChristmas!

(I’mnevertoobusytoputacapitalletterinfrontofChristmas).

and.

ifyoudon’tcelebrateChristmas,haveagoodmonday!

 

Joke 641

24 Dec
burbank christmas lights

burbank christmas lights (Photo credit: donielle)

IMPORTANT CHRISTMAS MESSAGE
*
*

All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

 
Thanks to Viv for this, via her son’s Facebook page.

 

So Long As I Don’t Have To Touch It…

23 Dec
Eugène Delacroix - Sketch for Peace Descends t...

Eugène Delacroix – Sketch for Peace Descends to Earth – WGA06217 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was doing the last of the ironing in the kitchen yesterday when I heard the Hub talking to someone in a gentle voice:

Now what are you doing back here?  Haven’t I put you out three times?  I know it’s cold and wet but you can’t stay here…

There was a pause.  He was obviously thinking.

He came into the kitchen, hands cupped.  I thought it was in supplication until I saw the huge spider dancing over them.

The Hub turned pleading eyes to me:

Please can he stay?  I’ve put him out three times but he keeps coming back in.  You can’t blame him: it’s miserable out there.  Can’t we find a dark spot where he won’t bother you?

Call it the season – not just about getting the ironing up to date, but also about peace on earth and goodwill to all men, women and arachnids – but I caved:

Fine.  Put him behind the trunks at the end of the hall.

The thing I feared has come upon me: the Hub has made me a spider-lover.

Joke 640

23 Dec
Santa and moose

Santa and moose (Photo credit: Jenny P.)

Ron at Scrambled, Not Fried has generously allowed me to lift this intact from his blog.  I would have re-blogged it but I don’t know how to schedule a re-blog and, much as I love Christmas, I’m not getting up at four in the morning to tell a joke.

13 Little-Known Holiday Factoids

  1. Christmas, as we know it today, was invented in 1596. Prior to that year, it was celebrated much like we celebrate Arbor Day today, but without the reverence for trees.
  2. The first three “Yule Logs” burned down the dwellings in which they were burned. The name has been shortened over the years from the saying, “Yule” die if you bring one of those things into the house.
  3. Santa never eats the cookies kids leave out for him. He collects them and donates them as gifts to local soup kitchens. (Keep ‘em coming, kids!)
  4. Most elves are Lithuanian.
  5. Before marrying, Mrs. Claus was a dental hygienist but left that career to become a Vegas Showgirl. This is where she first met Santa.
  6. Santa was (and remains) a “chubby chaser.” He showed no interest in his current wife until she quit her Vegas job and put on about 50 pounds.
  7. Santa has five children: four boys and a beautiful daughter named Belinda.
  8. Modern “Egg Nog” is primarily nog, with only a hint of synthetic egg flavoring.
  9. Santa has NEVER brought anyone a semi-automatic weapon for Christmas. These are invariably purchased by friends or family members, and are only labeled “From Santa” in an effort to avoid potential liability.
  10. A gift is a gift. Wrapping paper is a multi-million dollar racket.
  11. The feces of flying reindeer can burn a hole in your roof. House fires reported around Christmas time are often blamed on faulty wiring, dry trees, etc., but are more usually caused by Blitzen, who suffers from chronic diarrhea.
  12. There are really only 9 Days Of Christmas. Three days were tacked on as a mass-marketing ploy.
  13. Santa has suffered repeated hernias. His favorite joke is to say that carrying that big bag of toys around is the ‘real’ Nutcracker.

 

Joke 639

22 Dec
Kris with huge christmas dinner

Kris with huge christmas dinner (Photo credit: mrlerone)

What’s the most popular Christmas wine?

‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

Husband (in all fairness, not mine):

A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until 24 December to do his Christmas shopping.

What do you call a bunch of Grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?

Santa caught in a revolving door.

What goes oh oh oh?

Santa walking backwards.

What’s it called when Father Christmas takes a rest?

Santa Pause

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws

Who sings ‘White Christmas’ then explodes?

Bang Crosby

*

*

*

Be naughty – save Santa the trip.

From manwalksintoajoke.

Joke 638

21 Dec

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

  • You strike a match and light your nose. 
  • You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 
  • You hear a duck quacking and it’s you. 
  • Christmas ElfYou tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 
  • You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 
  • You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 
  • You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 
  • You tell everyone you have to go home…and the party’s at your place.
  • You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
  • You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 
  • You yawn at the biggest bore in the room and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror. 
  • You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 
  • You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

From ahajokes.

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