Joke 786

A business man enters a large Las Vegas casino followed by his well-groomed hunting dog. The two make their way to a roulette table, and he sits down with his dog at his side. As the next game begins, the man’s dog tosses a mouthful of $1000 chips onto the table. Remarkably, the numbers each chip fall on pay off. The dog jumps up on the table, gathers up their winnings and heads off to another table, as the man follows. 

As before, the dog tosses a mouthful of chips onto the table for betting, and once again the couple walk away winners. To yet another table they head. This time the man’s dog dumps all of their winnings on one hand of Blackjack. Remarkably, the dealer presents an ace and king to the man. A bit shocked, the dealer presents the man with his winnings.  Not missing a beat, the dog hurls its massive body onto the game table, grabs all of their chips in its mouth and jumps back down to the man’s side. 

Tired from all of the gambling, they find a bar to sit down at. The man asks for a pint of ale for his dog and a club soda for himself. Puzzled by the man’s request, and the large pile of chips at the dog’s side, the bartender asks what type of dog does this very wealthy man have? Patting his canine companion on the head, he smiles and says, “An Irish Better…what else?”

 

Joke 779

A Dog Asks

• Why do humans smell the flowers, but not each other?
• When we get to heaven, can we sit on the couch? Or is it still the same old story?
• Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the “Chrysler Beagle”?
• If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
• We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
• More meatballs, less spaghetti.
• Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
• When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they can eat it.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a face towel.
5.  The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello.”
8. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house — not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

From dogbreedinfo.

I’m Dog Stupid

Stuff I say to my dogs

I caught myself saying the following yesterday:

• Will you please get off my bladder? [Molly wanted me to get up when I wasn't quite ready]
• Stop nagging me!  [Toby wanted his walk]
• Come on, Moo!  [Molly didn't want her walk]
• Are you coming to help me?  [Make the dinner.  Toby joins me in the kitchen every night and Spud tells me I say the same thing to him every night.  My hope is always wasted: Toby never does help]
• Don’t lick the books!  ['Books' can be substituted by carpet/couch/cushions/trousers/walls/floor...anything, really.  Molly, also known as Licky Moo, likes to lick things; especially my sleeping face when the bladder trick doesn't work]

My dogs vilipend me at every opportunity; brought on, no doubt, by my habit of being mush in their adorable little paws.

What daft things do you say to your pets?

Note for those of you who Know Who You Are:  You needn’t bother telling me that that’s why you don’t have dogs; I know it!

The previous two words:

Tacent: rapt attention in an audience, more flattering than applause.  What my dogs show me when I’m eating.

Usageaster: a self-styled authority on language usage.  What I become when I see an apostrophe in the wrong place and a misspelled word in the public domain.

*

For more Six Word Saturdays, go here.

Joke 698

On Dogs

Funny Dog Sign (Photo credit: Wyoming_Jackrabbit)

• The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue – Anonymous
• Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful – Ann Landers
• There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face – Ben Williams
• A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself – Josh Billings
• The average dog is a nicer person than the average person – Andy Rooney
• We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made – M. Acklam
• I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult – Rita Rudner  
• A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down – Robert Benchley
• Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog – Franklin P. Jones
• If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons – James Thurber
• If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise – Anonymous
• If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them – Phil Pastoret
• Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth – Anne Tyler

From Will & Guy

Joke 664

Baskets (Photo credit: Mulacmail)

A dog goes into a grocer’s with a basket in its mouth.  In the basket is a shopping list and a purse.  The grocer reads the list, puts the goods requested into the basket, takes some money from the purse and puts back the change. The dog runs off home.

This happens every week for months and the grocer becomes extremely impressed by the animal’s intelligence and its dedication to its task.  One day he decides to follow the animal home and see if its owner would be willing to sell it. The dog eventually leads the grocer to a run-down house where it puts the basket on the doorstep and rings the door-bell with its nose.

After a few seconds an old woman opens the door and starts hitting the dog with a stick.

‘Stop!’ shouts the grocer. ‘What are you doing? That’s the most intelligent dog I’ve ever seen in my life.’

‘Intelligent?’ shouts the old woman.  ‘That’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his keys.’

From manwalksintoajoke

 

Joke 660

I had to trim the fur off my little canine companion.

Two Norwich Terriers with the color red (left) and black & tan (right) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It was a moment of shear terrier.

But it gave him a new leash on life.

I know that joke is ruff; I hope it didn’t make you hot under the collar.

My friend’s dog is a herding breed.  It has a habit of chasing down their little girl and good-naturedly pinning  her to the ground. Sometimes she gets a little hot under the collie.

From puns.tribe.net 

Joke 617

From dogbreedinfo.  

One man and his dog (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A man and his dog were walking along a road.  The man was enjoying the walk, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.  He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.  He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?”

“This is Heaven, sir”, the man answered.

“Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked.

“Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.” The man gestured, and the gate began to open.  ”I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.  You’ll have to leave the dog behind.”

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

“Excuse me!” he called to the reader. “Do you have any water?”

“Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there.”  The man pointed to a place that couldn’t be seen from outside the gate. “Come on in.”

“How about my friend here?” The traveller gestured to the dog.

“There should be a bowl by the pump.”

Man and dog went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl for the dog and took a long drink himself.  When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree, waiting for them.

“What do you call this place?” the traveller asked.

“This is Heaven.”

“Well, that’s confusing,” the traveller said.  ”The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.”

“Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s Hell.”

“Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”

“No. I can see how you might think so, but we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who’ll leave their best friends behind.”

 

Joke 603

From dogbreedinfo.

Breeds like this Doberman were specifically bred for guard duty. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sign on a fence:

Salesmen welcome.  

Dog food is expensive.

*

Sign in a vet’s waiting room:

Back in five minutes.

Sit.  Stay.

*

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?

But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out of the window.

 

Joke 598

Bucket-headed dog (Photo credit: Paul Kidd)

From dogbreedinfo.com.

A guy is driving around when he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.”  He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff.”

 

Joke 531

 

Cozy Reading Dogs (Photo credit: Enokson)

From dogbreedinfo.

A Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: A liquid that, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get drool on the human.

SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

WASTE BASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.

BATH: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.

LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “Sit!”  Especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn’t get the attention you require…especially effective when combined with the sniff. 

CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.

LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

 

Joke 515

Dog sunny Day Afternoon (Photo credit: allert)

My friend Cliff forwarded this email doing the rounds.

Why Some Men Have A Dog And No Wife:

• The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
• Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
• Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
• A dog’s parents never visit.
• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
• Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 
• A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
• If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 
• A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
• If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad.  They just think it’s interesting.
• If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.

Then open it and see who’s happy to see you.

It’s A Dog’s Life

Molly: A Day In The Life

• Scratch at Mummy’s door but she can’t hear me over her avalanche impression.
• Go potty.
• Bark to wake up Mummy.
• Watch her stand in my poo and go potty.
• Hide in the cushion like a cutie pie.
• Get cuddled for reassurance that Mummy loves me despite what she is sure is a mistake on my part.  Phew.
• Love Mummy.  Love Mummy.  Love Mummy.
• Demand breakfast.
• Turn nose up at breakfast.
• Let Mummy hand feed me my breakfast of expensive tinned dog meat.
• Love Mummy.  Manage a sticky lick to her face.
• Love Mummy.  Wonder why she’s looking a little nauseated.
• Sleep behind Mummy while she’s at the computer. 
• Wake up, irritated by the noise Mummy makes when she falls off her little bit of the seat.
• Love Mummy: if I’m going to be awake, I might as well enjoy it.
• Watch Mummy trying to type one-handed while I sit on her lap for an extended belly rub.
• Sleep.
• Take the occasional sniff at Toby’s bottom, particularly when he wants a fuss off Mummy.

• Drool as Mummy eats lunch.
• Refuse to let her up until I get my tithe. 
• Sleep, exhausted from eating my protection money.
• Demand walk.
• Tolerate grooming/harness, putting on of/coat, putting on of/coat, taking off of, harness, taking off of/coat, putting on of/harness, putting on of.
• See rain.  Refuse to leave house.
• Tolerate harness, taking off of/coat, taking off of.
• Love Mummy.  Love Mummy.  Love Mummy.
• Sleep.
• Ignore the weird kid, who sleeps in the room next door to Mummy, when he comes downstairs, eats, grunts, and returns to his hole.
• Drool as Mummy eats dinner.
• Refuse to let her up until I get my tithe.
• Demand dinner.
• Turn nose up at dinner.
• Let Mummy hand feed me my dinner of expensive soft pellets.
• Love Mummy.  Love Mummy.  Love Mummy.
• Sleep.
• Cuddle Daddy while Mummy’s busy, keeping my eyes trained at all times on Mummy.

 

• Love Mummy.  Love Mummy.  Love Mummy.
• Stick to Mummy like poo to her toes as she prepares for bed; she’s going nowhere without me.
• Wait patiently to be lifted on to the bed because I’m too feeble to jump up myself.
• Have extended cuddle until Mummy’s arms ache, her tea goes cold and she knocks her Kindle onto the floor while trying to reach around me.
• Love Mummy.  Love Mummy.  Love Mummy.
• Sleep. 
• Disturbed by Mummy trying to get comfortable on her tenth of the bed.
• Wait until she settles then sit on the most awkward part of her body (varies according to whether she’s lying on her front, back or side).
• Sleep. 
• Disturbed by Daddy giving me a goodnight cuddle before he puts me out of the room so he can go to bed.
• Intensely dislike Daddy for separating me from Mummy.
• Wait for Daddy to fall asleep and try to sneak back in, jump easily onto the bed and wiggle my way between them, sleeping long ways to get comfortable; but he’s on to me and he shuts the door properly this time.
• Love Mummy.  Love Mummy.  Love Mummy.  Can’t be separated from Mummy.
• Scratch at Mummy’s door but she can’t hear me over her avalanche impression.
• Go potty.

 

Joke 423

This is possibly a true story, but I’m using it because it reads like a joke.  I got it from Magsx2′s Blog, via Barb at Passionate About Pets.

Bucket-headed dog (Photo credit: Paul Kidd)

An older, tired looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, and curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

 An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with six children, two under the age of three. He’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

Our Little Girl Is Four Today

Molly and Toby came to us at different times from different homes, but they are the same age; there are five days between them.  Here’s Molly:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Molly has just come out of season; the third time since we got her.  It reminds me of the first time it happened [shudder]: I dug out the old post I wrote in my distress, and edited it.

It’s that time of year: Molly is in season and we have covered all seats and ourselves with old throws.  She spends her time licking her bottom and ignoring my reproachful and repellant looks.

I have never been around a dog in season before.  I can’t say I’m in favour of it.  I don’t think she is, either: she appears confused and doesn’t know what to do with herself when her tongue is at rest.  Nature is disgusting.

The Hub has taken charge, having grown up around breeding dogs and cats.  He is a great believer in female domestic animals having a litter before sterilisation - particularly when, like Molly, they have had a phantom pregnancy.  He found a mate for her in Bolton.  He and Spud took her, primped and perfumed to look her best for the great ugly brute about to violate her.  He is another Yorkshire Terrier called Toby.  Our own Toby is de-testicled and hasn’t paid her any of that sort of attention at all.  I guess, if you can’t find love at home you will play away….

I couldn’t go with them.  I felt like a mother pimping out a beloved child and I couldn’t bear to watch her deflowering.  The Hub, of course, took a camera – for a picture of the father, I hasten to add.  He wanted to document the process which never happened: from innocent little girl to being loaned out as a baby factory to motherhood to having her beautiful babies snatched from her bosom…my dog, the pawn star.

*

*

I Pick Up My Own Poo; Why Can’t Others?

Blackpool Tower (Photo credit: llamnudds)

This is an edited version of an old post, written back in the days when nobody read me.  It’s about dog poo, a recurring theme in my life (and I wonder why nobody read me back then; the wonder is that anybody reads me now).

The theme is repeated; the post is repeated…it’s like we’re stuck in some crazy poo loop, destined never to move on to, oh, I don’t know, something less unsavoury, like spit.

I’ve got nothing to write about; I’m tired; I’m in a bad mood.

Enjoy!

Just yesterday, a little girl spotted the plastic bone on Toby’s lead that holds the poo bags and she told me I was ‘a good lady.’

I think I am: in this instance, anyway.  I ALWAYS pick up my dogs’ mess.  Sometimes they co-ordinate poos (a sort of dump in a lump), but on opposite sides of the park.  When that happens, if I can’t find the second poo, I pick up another dog’s poo to compensate.  There is always another dog’s poo available.

I don’t know how dog owners can be so lazy as to not pick after their dogs; it’s disgusting.  I lost count of the times that Spud would toddle beside me when I took Tory Boy to school, then topple over into a steaming pile of irresponsibility.  Fortunately, there was a large bin on the way so I was able to strip off his trousers and chuck them in.  Not so bad in summer, but his little legs turned blue in winter.

In case you think I’m cruel, I always had his pushchair and blanket with me, but he would refuse to get in and cover up.  That child loved to walk.  At less than two years old he spent fourteen hours in Blackpool on a family day trip and we used his pram to carry the junk people always buy/win in seaside resorts, because he point blank refused to be wheeled.

Except for one larcenous half-hour at the fun fair, when he sat in his pram to have a drink: we walked through the shop, looking at tat, and it was only when we got back to the car that we discovered he had snaffled three sticks of rock from one of the low shelves, and stuffed them down the side.  He did a similar thing in Mothercare when he was eighteen months old, but that time it was a pack of plastic ducks for his bath.  I’m raising a villain.

In spite of my criminal son, I need you to tell me how great I am, to pick up after my dogs.  everyone needs praise now and again.

I read this quote once: Everyone needs recognition for his accomplishments, but few people make the need known quite as clearly as the little boy who said to his father: “Let’s play darts. I’ll throw and you say ‘Wonderful!’