Tag Archives: Family

Joke 824

25 Jun
Cry baby

Cry baby (Photo credit: tacit requiem (joanneQEscober ))

Cedric watched as a woman at his supermarket shopped with a three-year-old girl riding in the child’s seat. As they approached the sweet section the little girl asked for some liquorice sticks and her mother told her, “No.”

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss. The mother said softly, “Now Cindy, our shopping is going well. Don’t be upset…we’ll soon be out of here.”

Presently, they came to the aisle where the ice cream was on offer and the little girl asked for an ice lolly. When told she couldn’t have one she began to cry. The mother said gently, “There, there, Cindy, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be at the check out.”

When they got to the conveyor belt the little girl immediately began to demand sweets next to the checkout.  Finally she threw a tantrum when her mother would not let her have any sweets.  The mother calmed her saying, “Cindy, we’ll be through this queue in two minutes and then we can go home and have a glass of squash and a nap.”

Cedric followed them out to the car park and stopped the woman to compliment her on her child management.

“I couldn’t help admiring how patient you were with little Cindy,” Cedric said.

The mother turned and replied, “Oh, no, I’m Cindy. My little girl’s name is Dorothy.”

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From Will & Guy

Joke 523

28 Aug

 

How Could You Do This To Me, Mum?

How Could You Do This To Me, Mum? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is from an email doing the rounds.  A group of primary school children were asked a series of questions.  Here are some of their answers.

Why did God make mothers?

1. She’s the only one who knows where the sellotape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?

1. We’re related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s mums like me.

3. He must have been tired that day.

What kind of a little girl was your mum?

1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.

2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least 1 million a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mum marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mum didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such an idiot.

2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between mums and dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but mums have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.

4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don’t have spare time.

2. She pays bills all day long.

3. She reads the paper all day.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?

1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. Her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

3. I like her when she’s fat.

If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.

2. I’d make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it, not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

 

Joke 250

29 Nov

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.  His three children were outside, still in their P.J.s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard.  The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall.  In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.  In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife.  He was worried that she might be ill, or worse.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went.  He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do all day?”

“Yes,” he replied reluctantly.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

I Willingly Dedicate This Post To A Stranger

10 Sep

I read the funniest story today.

I try to publicise other blogs as much as possible, so long as the mentions fit the context of my post; but this is a first for me: dedicating a post to a blog I’ve read just once.  I usually read several posts, at least; get to know the blogger.  I believe in free speech but not free advertising from me for someone I wouldn’t read myself.

This particular blogger left a comment here and I did the usual polite thing of going over to say ‘hi’, and I read the most charming, amusing story about her great-grandson.  I urge you to go and read it for yourself.

If you’re still not sure, I believe her post’s title may convince you:

My Poo Poo Is Sleeping.

You can see why it appealed to me, can’t you?

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Read other Six Word Saturdays here.

101/1001 (23)

4 Sep

These updates are getting later and later.  I blame the Hub.

When people ask me, ‘Why do you always blame the Hub?’ I think of Sir Edmund Hillary’s famous quote about climbing Everest: ‘Because he’s there.’  What’s the point of marriage, if not to have a spouse to blame?  To sum up:

  • I’m late; I cry
  • Why?
  • Hub/Fall guy
  • On standby
  • Thereby
  • Not my fault I’m late
  • Great!

So, what have I been doing?  Not a lot, as it happens: Tory Boy coming home for a while meant that this week Spud and I had to excavate his room of all our junk which put me in a bad mood with the Hub because it’s really his junk and I was happy when I couldn’t see it but now it’s all over the house again and you know how I feel about a cluttered house….

I did add a new task:

Find another 64 challenges for the list.  (28/64)

Have the courage to play the drums in church.

There are several bongo drums up front in church and the children are invited to play along to the singing.  I thought about grabbing a little kid off the street because parents help the younger ones to bong, but kidnap might not be considered an act of good Christian witness, so I decided against it.  I am dying to get my hands on those drums, though.  This morning, the children were all in Sunday Club and the vicar invited the adults to have a go, but I bottled it.  Like every other adult there, as it happens.

As I cowered behind my notice sheet, I decided right then to add this task to my list, because now I have to do it when the opportunity arises again.

Submit thirty poems to competitions or publishers (11/30)

I sent off three poems this week.  I was going to up the number from (8) to (9), because they all went to the same competition, but I checked the wording of the task and it reads Submit thirty poems, not, Submit to thirty competitions.  I can always increase the number at a later date.  The good thing about setting your own tasks in this challenge is that you can cheat as much as you like.

Blog 1111 times (444/1111)

I only tell you this because I like the numbers.

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We now have eighteen members in the 101ers club, and my list to the right is sadly out of date.  I will try to update it in the week but for now, here are some links.  Mine is only included because I don’t know how else to do ‘Related Articles’.  I have a lot to learn about blogging.

I Should Just Not Talk To My Children (via Sarsm’s Blog)

31 Aug

This is the first time I have ever re-blogged a post, as I usually like to hear the sound of my own voice over everyone else’s; but Sarah’s post was so funny, I had to share it.

Akasha has just drawn a princess and a castle. She proudly guided me through her drawing. The princess is wearing a lovely crown and has her legs inside her dress. The castle has lots of windows. The one above her head looks like a heart so I asked her if it’s a heart-shaped window. She informed me that the princess has fallen in love. (She’s a right romantic, yesterday she told me that her favourite moment during the Wild West Show was when the … Read More

via Sarsm’s Blog

Newsflash: Millions Of Marriages Saved By Science

27 Aug
Inside every Silk Concept duvet you will find ...

Image via Wikipedia

The Hub is a generous man, I admit that; but even he draws the line at bedtime…usually right down the middle, indicating his (his) and hers (mine) sides of the bed.  I go to bed before him and though I always start on my side of the bed, I usually end up in the middle, wrapped in the duvet.  That wasn’t a problem when I was young and slim and living in a hot country and he didn’t want the sheet and used it to roll me over; but now…poor bloke; no wonder he’s got a back problem.

Because, of course, it’s not just the bed I hog; it’s the duvet.  I am a woman, after all; despite what my children think.

Duvets are a common cause of hostilities in most marriages: who gets how much being the obvious fight.  But a more covert battle is often waged over what thickness the duvet should be: a 4.5 tog being the thickest he’s prepared to tolerate, no matter how much it’s snowing outside; a 13 tog being my minimum requirement during summer and two of them, at least, in winter.

Him: I’m a hot-blooded male, you frigid swear word!  I need to let me bits breathe.

Her: Of course I’m freezing, you swear word; you only let me have three duvets tonight!  Oh, you said ‘frigid’?  I couldn’t hear you over my chattering teeth. That’s an argument for tomorrow, if I haven’t frozen to death in my bed.  Turn the heating up I hate August in England

Now, however, spurred on by right-wing governments and to the chagrin of divorce lawyers everywhere, scientists have come up with a simple plan to keep the Hub trapped:

[A]n invention has gone on sale that promises to end duvet wars for good.

Bedding experts at John Lewis have designed a
split-warmth quilt that is thicker on one side than the other.

It means cold fishes can snuggle down under the cosier
side, while their hot-blooded partners who regularly throw off the covers can choose the lighter option.

The article in the Johannesburg broadsheet, The Star (I always have to point that out in case anyone mistakenly thinks I read the execrable British tabloid of the same name) goes on to say:

Almost half of those questioned by the Sleep Council said snoring topped the list of complaints, but “hogging the bedclothes” came a close second.

I hope they don’t find a cure for snoring too quickly: if they take away my duvet, how else can I punish the Hub in my sleep?

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