Tag Archives: Fathers

A Tale Of Two Parents

25 Mar

The Hub wears a new t-shirt to the play and is ‘awesome’, ‘best dad ever’, admired by all of Spud’s friends.

I pay a teacher a compliment and I’m banned from ever speaking to anyone Spud ever knows for the rest of his life, ever.

Here’s the Hub’s shirt:

DSCN2826

Here’s my compliment to Godspell’s choreographer:

Wow!  Spud told me the dancing was really naff but I think it’s great!

I don’t understand Spud at all.

Joke 906

15 Sep
Happy

Happy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

His father replied, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys; then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No; your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

*

From laughfactory.com, via Vastly Curious.

 

Joke 901

10 Sep
Dad's Cat System

Dad’s Cat System (Photo credit: Bugsy Sailor)

Fathers of 1900 didn’t have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

  • In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family’s head, he was a success.  Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that’s just the vacation home.
  • In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.  Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
  • In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.  Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.  What?  VCRs are obsolete?  Since when?
  • In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.   If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
  • In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, “Wake up, it’s time for school.”  Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: “Wake up, it’s time for hockey practice.”
  • In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.  Today, a father comes home to a note: “Jimmy’s at baseball, Cindy’s at gymnastics, I’m at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge.”
  • In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.  Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons’ ears and shout, “WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE…”
  • In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.  Today, a father spends $800 at Toys ‘R’ Us, and the kid screams, “I wanted the PS4!”
  • In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.  Today, it’s Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
  • In 1900, fathers said, “A man’s home is his castle.”  Today they say, “Welcome to the money pit.”
  • In 1900, “a good day at the market” meant Father brought home feed for the horses.  Today, “a good day at the market” means Dad got in early on an IPO.
  • In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.  Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald’s.

    Dad's underwear 2

    Dad’s underwear 2 (Photo credit: Mel B.)

  • In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.  Today, a father’s involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
  • In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.  Today, kids glance up and grunt, “Dad, you’re invading my space.”
  • In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suitors with shotguns if the girl came home late.  Today, fathers break the ice by saying, “So…how long have you had that earring?”
  • In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.  Today, fathers are never truly appreciated.

From ahajokes

 

Joke 849

20 Jul
Alas, poor donkey...

Alas, poor donkey… (Photo credit: Dingo X)

Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning.  It was a fine spring day in his new parish.  He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.  He noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.  He promptly called the local  police station.

“Good morning.  This is Sergeant Jones.  How might I help you?”

“And the best of the day te yerself.  This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s  Church.  There’s a donkey lying dead on me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father; he replied, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”

Father O’Malley replied, “Aye,’ tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”

*

Thanks to Viv for this one!

Joke 844

15 Jul
the_dos_and_donts_with_babies_013

the_dos_and_donts_with_babies_013 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

One evening Jessica found her husband Mike with his head cocked looking at their baby’s cot.  Silently she watched him.

As Mike twisted and turned looking at their infant, Jessica could see on Mike’s face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, joy, surprise, enchantment and scepticism.

Mike did not usually show his emotions and his unusual display brought tears to her eyes.  Jessica put her arm around her husband and gently asked, “A penny for your thoughts.”

“It’s amazing!” Mike replied. “I just can’t work out how Mothercare are able to make a cot like that for only £49.99.”

Joke 764

26 Apr
Children Liquidation

Children Liquidation (Photo credit: Magna Designs)

Rachel was out walking with Jackie, her four-year-old daughter.  Jackie picked something up off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.  Rachel asked her not to do that.

‘Why Mummy?’ asked Jackie.

‘Because it’s been lying outside and is dirty and probably has germs,’ said Rachel.

Jackie looked at her mother in admiration and asked, ‘Wow, Mummy, how do you know stuff like that?’

‘Oh…everyone knows this stuff.  Um, it’s in the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they won’t let you be a Mummy.’

‘Oh…’  Jackie seemed confused.  Mother and daughter strolled along in silence for some minutes, as Jackie pondered this new information.

‘I get it,’ Jackie’s face beamed with realisation. ‘Then if you flunk the test, you have to be the Daddy.’

From Will & Guy.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Wrong

12 Aug

It is wrong for a son to make fun of his father.  

 

This has never stopped my sons.

‘Dad’ by T. Boy. Medium: Drill on MDF

Portrait of the artist as a cheeky boy.

 

H Is For ‘Harry’

30 Apr

Harry was my Dad.  His name wasn’t Harry; it was George.  His middle name was Harry; everyone called him Harry.  I never knew why, if his name was George, everyone called him Harry.  His father’s name was Harry, but no one called his father George.

The Bailey Brothers in It’s A Wonderful Life were George and Harry Bailey.  My Dad wasn’t like either of them: no Buildings & Loan to dip into (too working class); no war hero (too young; and he was excused National Service because of a perforated ear drum).  He was more like Uncle Billy Bailey – sweet and well-meaning, but a bit dopey. 

Actually, he wasn’t even sweet: he was too acerbic for that.  When he felt guests had stayed too long, he told them so.  Always in a joke, so he’d laugh them out the door, with my mother saying in an hysterical aside to us kids, ‘They think he’s joking but he means it’, frantic that no one should be offended.  As far as I know, they never were.

My Dad liked to laugh and eat chocolates.  He used to steal from the sweet drawer Mum kept for the grandchildren and more than once she would say, ‘Let’s see what Grandma’s got for you here’ and find herself with an empty drawer and a skriking toddler.  In the end, she had to give him his own drawer.

My Dad loved the Wild West: movies, books, history, country and western music.  Because of my Dad’s love of C&W, I was probably the first child in the UK to know what a lady mule skinner is.

He had a double album of The Grand Ole Opry with a piece of the original curtain attached.  I expected to inherit it and I was furious when he came back to the UK and left his C&W albums in South Africa. 

It’s because of my Dad and his love for all things western that I know, if I am ever caught in a desert in a thunderstorm, to lie down flat on the ground.  Otherwise I will be the tallest point and the lightning will be gunning for me.  I read that in a Louis L’Amour novel, loaned to me by my Dad.

When we emigrated to South Africa in 1982, we had no money (one of the reasons for emigrating in the first place).  Dad was working for Sasol, a huge corporation that turned coal into petrol.  To help our miniscule grocery budget, my father the usually honest would come off shift with a toilet roll taken from the men’s loos.  One day, he heard from a colleague that the company was cracking down on staff pilfering – stationery, equipment, and so on – and he went home in a panic and he and Mum spent an entire night ripping up a hundred half-used toilet rolls and flushing them down the toilet.  What really made me laugh was that it was unmarked paper; and I doubt the company could have come in to the house asking to see it, anyway.  The price of a guilty conscience, I guess: a huge water bill.

He used to keep us kids up on school nights, playing cards.  Avoiding Mum, usually.  They were unhappily married for over thirty years.  One Christmas Eve, before letting them in the house I had to warn them to behave i.e. not have an almighty ding-dong and ruin Christmas for everyone as usual.  For the first twenty years of my life with the Hub, the minute we had a row I was leaving him, because I’m not ending up like my Mum and Dad!

I have told this story before but it’s worth repeating:  I remember one particular row that went on for months.  Every Sunday we had a traditional roast dinner and my Dad  – who loved his food and particularly his roast dinners, so he might have just been spoiling for a fight – complained that he was sick of roasts every Sunday and why couldn’t we have something else?  Mum never said a word but took his plate away and scraped it into the bin, and cooked him bacon and egg there and then.  Next Sunday we had a roast dinner, as usual…except for Dad, who was served bacon and egg without a word from Mum.  And the next; and the next; and the next Sunday after that…for six solid months, until Dad finally caved first and asked in his best little boy voice if he could please have a roast like the rest of us this Sunday?  Without a word from Mum, he got one.

Dad never complained about his meals again.

My Dad was narky and didn’t suffer fools gladly; intelligent and daft by turns; childish often; adored his three children, always.  He wasn’t perfect but it doesn’t matter: I loved him; he was my Dad.

Joke 391

18 Apr

Thanks to Granny1947 for this one.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he has a part in the school play, playing a man who has been married for 25 years.

The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Weekly Photo Challenge: Family

5 Dec

I’m way behind on the photo prompts and the end of the year is almost upon us, so expect lots of random pics with tenuous links to the prompts (same old, same old).

The combination of Family and Christmas gives me the opportunity to post some photos of my beloved dear old dead Dad.  He died on Christmas Eve 2000, which was not great, but now our visit to the cemetery at lunch time every Christmas Eve is a signal for the festivities to begin.  Dad would have loved that joke. 

All About Me

11 Aug
S-food-twinings-egpack

Image via Wikipedia

List the 5 most important books you’ve ever read.

Matthew, Mark, Luke, John & When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit.

The first four taught me about love and the last one about the effects of hate.

What does love mean to you?

Never having to share my Maltesers.  If they love me, they’ll leave me to feast alone.

What’s one “luxury” you refuse to live without?

Earl Grey teabags.  No joke.  I never joke about tea.

If you could spend a day doing anything you wanted, what would you do?

Blogging, of course.  Whilst eating Maltesers and drinking Earl Grey tea.

Who was the first person who believed in you?

My Dad.  When I was put in his arms he said to my Mum, ‘Doesn’t she look intelligent?’

You can fool some of the people all of the time…

Explain the name of your blog and why you chose it.

I’m a housewife.  I laugh (you know what they say will happen if you don’t laugh).

I hope you laugh, too.  It doesn’t have to be at me.

*

I just read this and I have to share it; it is originally from Twitter, but I read it on Manchester Meanders:

Twitter: @Harrietgregory: Quote from Waterstone’s employee on the news: “We’ll stay open, if they steal some books they might learn something” #londonriots

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Of Lettuces And Kings

4 Aug
Four Kings: King Edward VII (right) with his s...

Image via Wikipedia

Last night I watched The King’s Speech and loved it.

All the way through, a quote that I once read played at the back of my mind; and I was pleased when I heard it used in the film.  Attributed to George V, it is something like this:

My father was afraid of his father; I was afraid of my father; and I’ll make damn sure my children are afraid of me.

These days, of course, it is the parents who are afraid of the children.

I always remember that quote in conjunction with an amusing story I once read about George VI as a child.  The Royal Family were eating lunch.  GV was talking and little Bertie interrupted, ‘Father, Father.’  Daddy G was furious and told Bertie to pipe down, not interrupt, and speak when he was spoken to. Little Bertie subsided, abashed.

Once lunch was over, King George said sternly to the little prince, ‘Now you may speak.  What is it?’

Bertie replied, ‘I wanted to warn you that you were about to eat a caterpillar with your lettuce.’

*

That reminds me of something I once read in Reader’s Digest:

A religious and stern father insisted that his children arrived promptly at the breakfast table each day.  One morning, his daughter was late.  As she sat down he said to her, ‘Child of the devil!’

‘Good morning, Father,’ she replied.

*

I sat down to write this post and then noticed the date: today, the fourth of August, is the Queen Mother’s birthday.  The same Queen Mother who married the Bertie who became George VI.

It is well-known that she liked a tipple (and a flutter – she had the race commentary piped into her house on racing days) and she liked her first tipple at the same time everyday.  It is also well-known that many of her staff were gay.

One day, tipple time arrived, but no beverage.  The QM waited a bit and finally phoned down to the staff: ‘When you old queens have finished chatting, this old Queen would like her G&T!’

*

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He’s Got A Nose For It

26 Jun

Sidey’s weekend theme is unusual angles.

When I was pregnant with Spud, we went for our first scan.  All I could see on the screen was a blob, but the Hub exclaimed, ‘It’s got my nose!’

And he has:

Happy Father’s Day To A Great Dad

19 Jun

The Hub is a little confused: he seems to think Father’s Day is all about him.  He doesn’t understand why he’s not allowed to moan at Spud today.  When he complained that he should be allowed to have his own way on one day a year, once I’d stopped laughing I explained that, even after twenty-one years, he hadn’t quite grasped the concept that a father’s place is always in the wrong.

It’s just like being a husband.

Happy Birthday, Dad

10 May

My Dad would have been 75 today.  I miss him.

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