Joke 785

The ‘nacho cheese’ was so popular, I found some more cheesy jokes for you.

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‘Q: Did you hear about the explosion at a French cheese factory?

A: All that was left was de brie.

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Q: Whom did the cheesy Bible start with?

A: Edam and Eve.

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Q: What hotel do mice stay in ?

A: The Stilton

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Q: What dance do cheese makers do every Halloween?

A: The Muenster mash.

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Q: What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost?

A: I’m Lac-ghost intolerant

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Q: What’s the most popular American cheese sitcom?

A: Curd Your Enthusiasm

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Q: Why does cheese look sane?

A: Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.

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Q: What did the street cheese say after being attacked by several blades?

A: I’ve felt grater.

 

Joke 783

“Two peanuts walk into a really rough bar. Unfortunately, one was a salted.”

Français : Steak tartare présenté de façon originale (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

@kchadda

“What do you call someone with jelly in one ear and custard in the other? A trifle deaf.”
@Channel4Food

“A man was drowned eating his muesli the other day. He was pulled in by a strong currant…”
@Bookatable

“Q: Why did the biscuit cry? A: Because his dad been a wafer so long”
@SeasonalFood

“How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down a hill.”
@Channel4Food

“Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.”
@BDT_Food

“Have you heard the one about the rhubarb who robbed a shop? He got taken into custardy.”
@Channel4Food

“Did you hear about the curry lover who wrote trashy fiction? He was a paperback riata.
@curryclubUK

“What cheese do you use to lure a bear down a mountain? Camembert!”
@lilyskitchen

“What cheese is made backwards? Edam”
@lilyskitchen

“What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit? An egg.”
@Addisonfowle

“What’s the fastest cake in the world?…scone.”
@Bakerjen

“How do you approach an angry welsh cheese? Caerphilly.”
@snidebeaker

“Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he’s a fun-guy”
@ChocExplosion

“What is small, red and whispers? … A HOARSE RADISH…”
@nathanrgray

“What’s orange and doesn’t belong to you? Nacho cheese!”
@Shinybiscuit

From Channel4

 

A Horse Meat Of A Different Colour

Donkeys on the beach at Scarborough. Donkey rides are a common feature on British beaches. These donkeys were photographed while they were taking a break and eating from nose bags. Also on the beach is a small amusement park (left) and the lifeboat station (right) http://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/192382. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We think we’ve got it bad?

I just read a report in the Mail & Guardian that South Africans are eating ‘beef’ which is really goat, donkey and water buffalo.

Professor Louw Hoffman makes an excellent point:

There’s nothing wrong with eating donkey meat if you like eating donkey meat. It’s not more or less unhealthy than any other species. It boils down to the fact that you want to know what you’re eating.

Although, to be honest, if I’m eating donkey, I don’t think I do want to know what I’m eating.

I found this comment surprising:

The department of agriculture, forestry and fisheries has pointed out that eating unconventional species such as donkey, goat and water buffalo may seem unthinkable to many South Africans but it does not pose an automatic health risk.

What surprised me is that eating unconventional species is ‘unthinkable to many South Africans.’  This in a country which has a wonderful restaurant called The Train (in Midrand), where I have eaten elephant, shark, crocodile, giraffe and warthog.  They also serve water buffalo; but they don’t call it ‘beef’.  They call it ‘water buffalo’.

If you are ever in Midrand, you should visit The Train.  It’s less than R40 a head.  That’s about £3!  Or $4.50.

But be warned: they don’t have  a children’s menu.  Someone ate all the donkeys.

Joke 701

Kev and Bill were talking one day. ‘My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the greengrocer’s,’ said Kevin.

Nooooooooo (Photo credit: recompose)

‘So were you able to find some?” inquired Bill.

‘Well, when I got to the shop, I asked the manager, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?’   The shopkeeper told me, ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.’ ”

From Will & Guy.

 

A Doctor A Day Keeps Flesh-Eating Bugs Away

Thinking of going on a diet

I turn fifty this year; I need to take my health seriously.  I know this because I have received an invitation to attend a health check at my doctor’s surgery.  They would like to test for my risk of developing diabetes, heart disease, stroke and kidney failure.

Understanding Women (Photo credit: Graela)

I suppose the thinking is:

1. We’ll scare her into treating her body like a temple instead of a chocolate sanctuary
2. It will save the NHS money if we catch her before it’s too late and too expensive for this postcode
3. We don’t want her to die; she’s one of our most obedient patients, turning up on time for every appointment, whether voluntary or compulsory; and always taking the full course of antibiotics as instructed

I have never smoked, barely drink, don’t have the energy for late nights and walk every day…but I do like to eat.  ’Being overweight’ is the top risk factor, according to the leaflet that accompanied the diktat to comply and book an appointment, stat!

Rather like over-filling the car at the petrol pump* and the gas station* exploding because someone belched last night’s spicy curry, I’m a walking time bomb.

*Also half-Brit, half-Yank, apparently: what would that make me? A Yit/Brank/Bank/Brink/Kit/Yurt?

Health (Photo credit: Tax Credits) Yeah, right!

The only reason I hesitate is this: the letter sending my orders to report to base is signed by (you’ll like this, Dianne) the Patient Demographics Officer.  My Doctor doesn’t care enough to send a personal (it doesn’t have to be embossed) invitation to an event that might save my life.  Huh.

Let’s do a pros and cons list to decide if I should embark on a regime that will take over my life but prolong it:

Pros:

• I’ll be healthy
• I’ll be alive
• I’ll make my Patient Demographics Officer happy
• How patient is she?  This could take a while
• The house will smell of fruit
• The house will smell of cooked cabbage
• The house will smell of fart
• The last two are pros because they keep guests away
• That’s a pro because have you seen the price of fruit and veg in this country?  If I eat healthily, I won’t have the money to serve biscuits with my guests’ tea.  How embarrassing
• I won’t get sick, have to go into hospital, contract MRSA and other flesh-eating germs and die
• I’ll live longer.  I’ll even outlive the Hub who won’t join me on a diet, will get sick, have to go into hospital with the flesh-eaters and, well, you know the rest…
• If I live longer and even outlive the Hub, I’ll finally be able to chuck out his junk.  It’s worth dieting for that reason alone
• I’ll finally get back in to my 1982 skinny jeans; I knew I was right to hang onto them
• The house will smell of fruit

Cons:

• I’ll have to give up Maltesers

The cons have it: no diet.

Christmas Menu

The Hub usually takes a better picture than this but he was in a hurry for his dinner

As I’ve done nothing but eat since Christmas Eve, I have nothing to tell you.  

Unless I go with what I’ve been eating.  

That’s what I’ll do.

Here is our Christmas Dinner Menu (sans forgotten starter):

• Turkey
• Gammon
• Chicken
• I forgot to put out the sausages, though I did cook them

• Cauliflower (for those who don’t like Cauliflower Cheese)
• Cauliflower Cheese (for those who don’t like cauliflower on its own)
• Broccoli
• Parsnips in honey
• Carrots
• Peas
• Green Beans
• Sprouts
• Mediterranean Vegetable Mix (because it looked tasty)

• Mashed Potatoes (using the good margarine)
• Roast Potatoes (cooked in the meat fat)
• Homemade Yorkshire Puddings (because the Hub prefers them)
• Shop-bought Yorkshire puddings (because Spud prefers them)
• Homemade Gravy (using the meat stock – all three)

• Homemade Apple Pie
• Rhubarb Pie
• Alison’s Fantastic Cheesecake (she always makes a huge one for the Hub at Christmas)
• Chocolate Fudge Cake
• Toblerone Cake
• Frosted Fancies
• Assorted Sponge Cakes
• Bakewell Tarts
• Cream

Is it any wonder I’ve done nothing since Christmas Day?

Apart from our traditional Boxing Day Buffet, that is.  

That list is even longer, so here’s an illustration instead (without puddings):

Boxing Day Savouries

Like a reformed Scrooge, it is always said of me that I know how to keep Christmas well.  If my guests explode when they leave, that’s down to them being guzzleguts.

Food Facts

Christmas for many is all about preparing to eat, eating, then wishing you hadn’t eaten quite so much.

To celebrate the growing obesity* crisis that is December, here are some food facts:

• Apples are made of 25% air, which is why they float.  They also have more stimulant than caffeine.  And I’ve been feeding them to my children.
• Avocado has the highest protein and oil content of all fruits (I didn’t say they’d be interesting facts).  They are also poisonous to birds (okay, that is interesting).
• Carrots were originally purple in colour, changing in the 17th Century to orange, through new varieties.
• The most expensive coffee in the world comes from civet poop.  Not sure what a civet is, but if it poops, I’m not drinking the coffee.
• Celery requires more calories to eat and digest than it contains.
• Cherries are a member of the rose family.  Asparagus is a member of the lily family.  Food doesn’t know its place.
• The largest food item on a menu is roast camel.  I wonder if that would be enough for my family this Christmas?
• Corn always has an even number of ears. It only makes up about 8% of the weight in a box of corn flakes.
• Worcestershire sauce is made from dissolved fish.  Ewwwwwwww!
• Honey is the only edible food for humans that will never go bad.  A jar of honey that was 2000 years old was eaten safely.
• Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries.  Strawberries have more vitamin C than oranges.  Strawberries knock citrus fruits on their – ahem – backsides.
• Coconut water can be used (in emergencies) as a substitute for blood plasma.
• Peanuts are an ingredient in dynamite.
• Pear is a fruit that ripens from the inside out.
• During a lifetime the average person eats about 35 tonnes of food.  70% of that at Christmas time.

Source: the internet, so they must be true.

*See what I did there?

Do you have an interesting food fact to share?

Joke 621

Turkey kit (Photo credit: photogreuhphies)

I’m sure I’ve posted a better version of this but it’s still good for a giggle. This one is from Will & Guy.

How To Cook A Turkey

• Buy a turkey
• Take a drink or three of whisky
• Put turkey in the oven
• Take another two drinks of whisky
• Set the degree at 375 ovens
• Take three more whishkeys of drink
• Turk the bastey
• Whisky another bottle of get
• Ponder the meat thermometer
• Glass yourself a pour of whisky
• Bake the whisky for 4 hours
• Take the oven out of the turkey
• Floor the turkey up off of the pick
• Turk the carvey
• Get yourself another scottle of botch
• Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
• Blass the dinner and pess out

Chocolate? Meh!

English: An Australian Milky Bar that has been split in half. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Reading Elaine’s post today about chocolate sprinkles on bread (sorry, Elaine, but bleurgghh), it occurred to me that I am not really a fan of chocolate.  I like milk and white and would probably trade one of my children for a Malteser (only one of my kids – the other will be needed to bring me food when I’m too fat to leave my bed), but after that, I’m not bothered.  I mean, I can gulp down a Kit Kat, a Crunchie, a Bounty and a bag of Buttons in one sitting, but I can take or leave them.  Mostly take.

However, I never eat chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream, chocolate puddings or drink chocolate milk shake.  I do love a good chocolate swiss roll but only if it has white fondant in the centre.

I prefer a good jelly bean or chewy sweet, angel cake or fairy cakes.  My favourite cake is the little butterfly cake that is really a fairy cake with cream or butter icing.

English: Butterfly Cake, photographed by me on 1st August 2007 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I can’t be called a chocoholic – it’s not even a real word so if you do call me that, your slap in the face will be for the annoying neologism, not the insult – but I can be called a greedy pig.  

How about you?  Are you as annoying as my Mum, who would receive a box of chocolates at Christmas and still have half left in November?  

Or is chocolate like drugs and alcohol to you, and must be eaten immediately if you have it in the house?

 

Joke 580

From Will & Guy.

Canned sliced peaches (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she answered that she was hungry.  The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She told him, “Six.”

The judge said, “Then I will give you six days in jail.”

Suddenly, the woman’s husband stood up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband replied, “She also stole a can of peas.”

Pigging Out

 

A full English breakfast with scrambled eggs, bacon, sausages, hash browns, and half a tomato (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Saturday.  The scene: dinner time in the Bud House.

Spud:  What’s for dinner?

Tilly:  Bacon eggs pork sausages beans tomatoes leftover potato croquettes I found in the bottom of the freezer from when the kids were here in August because I’ve run out of hash browns and bread to soak it all up.

Spud:  Bacon?  But we had gammon yesterday.  Why are we having what is effectively the same meat again?

Tilly [Not bothering to put up a fight she knows she'll lose]:  Fine.  What do you want instead?

Spud:  Sandwiches.  Got any ham?

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Sunday.  The scene: dinner time in the Bud House.

Spud:  What’s for dinner?

Tilly:  Bacon eggs sausage beans tomatoes leftover potato croquettes I found in the bottom of the freezer from when the kids were here in August because I’ve run out of hash browns and bread to soak it all up.

Spud:  Do I have to have bacon?  I had ham yesterday and gammon the day before.

Tilly: [Previous bracketed comment refers]:  Fine.  No bacon; just have the pork sausages.

Spud:  Okay, great!

 

It’s Time To Give Up Food

Two news items this week.

From The Telegraph:

A human finger found inside a fish in Idaho was traced to a man who lost four fingers in an accident months before.

A fisherman cleaning a trout found a severed finger inside and gave it to the police, who traced it, via the fingerprint, to Hans Galassi, 31, who lost it (along with the other three) while wakeboarding.

“The sheriff called me and told me he had a strange story to tell me,” Mr Galassi said [...] ”I was like: Let me guess, they found my fingers in a fish.”

I wonder if he sulked when only one finger was found?  It would give new meaning to the term trout pout.

Apparently, he declined the finger’s return.  

Sheriff’s Detective Sgt. Gary Johnston said the agency will keep the digit for a few weeks in case he changes his mind.

From our very own Stockport Express:

A horrified mum bit into a supermarket sandwich – and discovered she had eaten a chunk of a ‘hairy creature’ inside.

Katie Crabtree, 31, was shocked to discover what she believes was a small, dead rodent in her pre-packaged sandwich bought from Tesco at Portwood.

Euggh!  

Here’s a photograph:

Be honest: would you eat that?  Me neither; that bacon looks congealed.

I always avoid pre-packed sandwiches; I’m not keen on mayonnaise cardboard with a side serving of plastic (mouse optional).

On the subject of disgusting things in food, my family have a meal time saying:

I’ve got the hair.

My hair is so long now that, despite tying it back and covering it with a cap when I cook, some always escapes and makes its way onto a plate (oddly, never mine; it is not homing hair).  The family have got so used to it, no food is ever wasted.

If I find anything besides malt or chocolate in a Malteser, I’m going on a diet.  I’ll only eat one box a day.  Just to be safe.

UPDATE:

Accident or design?

Today’s quote when this post published:

Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers.

Isaac Asimov

I Don’t Get Out Much

 

Pardon me for still harping on the subject of Pseu’s visit, but this post is especially for Dianne at Schmidley’s Scribbling, who commented:

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[T]he food platters look nice, but what are those round brown things on the end of the plate? They look like miniature Yorkshire puddings or something else. Suspicious given the topics of your last few blogs.

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Dianne – they are pork pies: thick, inedible pastry filled with gross cuts of pork (maybe) and a disgusting jelly.  They are a popular British snack, particularly at parties.

The Hub and I went sandwich ingredient shopping the day before Pseu came. The Hub spotted some scotch eggs.

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Scotch eggs (Photo credit: mynameisrichard)

.

HUB:  Let’s get some scotch eggs.

TLH:  Scotch eggs!  I’m not buying scotch eggs!  She’ll think we’re good northern stock.

HUB: We are good northern stock.

TLH:  Yes, but we don’t have to boast about it.  Anyway, when have we ever eaten scotch eggs?

HUB:  I love scotch eggs!

TLH:  You never eat them!

HUB:  You never buy them.  There’s a difference.

TLH:  I’m not buying them now, either.

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We settled for pork pies – a more refined northern delicacy.

Pseu ate one.

I didn’t; I don’t like them.  I may be of good northern stock , but I have taste.

 

Joke 539

This was sent to me by quite a few people, so chances are you’ve seen it, but it’s still worth sharing.

Thanks to everyone who sent this and other jokes.  Please keep them coming.

Foie gras with onions and figs (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Olive What She’s Having

 

In 2003 I went to Open University summer school: a week of being a ‘real’ student, with lectures and boozing  - you could buy wine at lunch and dinner!  I didn’t, but it was exciting knowing it was available.

I chose Manchester for my summer school – seven minutes by train from Stockport so I could come home if it was all too much for me.  It wasn’t.  I had a fabulous time; it’s in my Top Ten List of Best Experiences Ever.

One of the week’s benefits was that I made lots of new best friends, never to be heard of again once the week was over, except for two: Mangetout, who some of you know via her blog; and Becky.

Becky doesn’t blog because she’s too busy doing real stuff, like earning a living; you can visit her website and if you or your staff need training in something, Becky can provide it.  I know she’s good at what she does because, on the last day of summer school when we all had to present the project we had been working on, not only was she the only person not to mumble and/or overdo it, she actually sounded like she knew what she was talking about.

I was so impressed by Becky that when they let us out midweek to do our own thing, I latched on to her visit to Manchester’s Whitworth Art Gallery because I knew she’d guide me safe home again to the campus.  And she did.  Without her, I might be not-blogging, living homeless in Salford and thinking Man United were a good team because I couldn’t find my way back to civilisation.  Please thank her if you love your Laughing Housewife.

Becky and I supported each other online while completing our degrees.  My support must have been much better than hers because she got a better degree than I did.  I forgave her for that and we remained friends via Facebook.

Becky and her family live darn sarf but we don’t hold that against her.  She makes occasional excursions oop north to visit relatives; she made one such visit this week and she and her lovely husband Tony spent the afternoon with us on Tuesday.  It was delightful.  Spud popped his head in to be polite and stayed several hours, running up the electricity bill because he had left his X-Box on, not expecting to be away from it for too long.

The conversation was excellent:

Tilly Bud: Let’s talk about me and how wonderful I am and all the things I’ve done and how great I am and how great I am and let’s talk about me some more.

Becky: [Laughs in all the right places.  Because she's lovely like that.]

We talked about summer school, Shakespeare and poetry; politics, religion and family; and why the government are cocking up Olympic security – we had no solutions, but that’s not our department, is it?  We vote; let them sort it out.   I can’t give you chat specifics because I was too engrossed to make my usual notes.

I spent Monday having a massive clear out so we looked reasonably tidy.  My eldest child may never get into his room again; but he hardly visits, so I’m not too worried.

Cleaning on Monday meant I could concentrate on the food on Tuesday morning, for their late-morning arrival.  Preparing food for visitors is hard work and requires a qualification in logistics to be ready/not too warm/not too cold/have time for a brew and catch-up first/edible.  That’s why I did sandwiches.  Aren’t they pretty?

And no reports of food poisoning; always a bonus.

I had to make sure the food was prepared before they arrived: I needed to take photographs for you.  Also, I don’t like to be in the kitchen when I have guests. Or ever.  My guests were too interesting to be left for long with my family. Every time I made tea I missed fascinating conversation and my son laughed at me for spending the day one topic behind.

I had a small hysterical moment when I tried to open these cakes where the packet says, Open Here.  The packet doesn’t say, But you can’t do it with wet hands and if you take a knife to a packet that you’ve been gripping with wet hands you might stab yourself.

I managed to fit in one of my 101/1001 tasks during the visit: Try a new food. Our guests brought goodies, including olives.  I have never eaten olives.  I have never fancied eating olives.  I am game for a small challenge, however, so I wrinkled my nose and popped one in.

Eurgghh!

Becky did warn me they were garlic and chilli olives, but I like garlic and I like chilli.  I don’t like olives.

The Evil Olives (centre)

Burning tongue, watering eyes and roiling stomach aside, thank you, Becky and Tony, for a wonderful afternoon.  Be sure your biscuits found a good home, and we will talk about you behind your backs long after you’ve forgotten us.