Tag Archives: Food

In Which I Eat Elephant Ears

4 Apr

You may recall my post about elephant ears and what a disappointment (of sorts) it was to discover that they were not, in fact, mammoth trophies but were…well, if you don’t know, you’ll have to read the post for yourself.

Now I discover there is another kind of elephant ears: the kind you can eat! The best kind.

Don’t worry, I might not be vegetarian (shudder) but even I would balk at a pachyderm pot roast.

No, my lovely American friend Laurie, who blogs at laurieanichols, sent a surprise parcel in the post – a tin of elephant ears: homemade biscuits, so-called because of their shape.

DSCN2833

Sadly, the Hub has just been diagnosed as diabetic, so he couldn’t have any; Spud doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth, so he had a taste, approved of them, but declined to eat any more; Tory Boy lives elsewhere; and I watch my weight these days.  

I value my friendships more than my figure, however, so I manfully swallowed as many elephant ears as I could.

DSCN2836

At the risk of offending all of my other friends who have fed me homemade biscuits before, I have to apologise and say: these were the best biscuits I have ever tasted.

I will always remember them fondly.  And so will my waist.  Thank you, Laurie!

Cooking The Prompts

13 Feb

You’re at the beach, lounging on your towel, when a glistening object at the water’s edge catches your eye. It’s a bottle — and yes, it contains a message. What does it say?

Drink Me.  Oh, wait…you’re not Alice.  Damn rabbit!

*

Tell us about something you’ve tried to quit.

Blogging.

Did you go cold turkey, or for gradual change?

Cold turkey.  It was Christmas.

Did it stick?

What do you think?

What’s the one item in your kitchen you can’t possibly cook without? A spice, your grandma’s measuring cup, instant ramen — what’s your magic ingredient, and why?

The Hub.  If he’s not there, cheering me on and hugging me through my failures, I go to pieces.  I once incinerated a pack of chippolata sausages because he was in another country instead of my kitchen.  I have to burn food so I know when it’s cooked (I was one of the few people to take notice of all those safety adverts as a child).  I need the Hub there to tell me when ‘burnt to a cinder’ is too much.

What’s instant ramen?

*

You’ve been granted magical engineering skills, but you can only use them to build one gadget or machine. What do you build?

Star Trek TNG‘s food replicator.  

But then I wouldn’t need the Hub…what to do, what to do?

*

What’s the household task you most dislike doing? Why do you think that is — is it the task itself, or something more?

Previous answers refer.

*

Write a post that includes dialogue between two people — other than you. 

A True Story, almost

The Hub: Where’s your Mum?

Tory Boy: In bed.

The Hub: Where are the boiled eggs?

Tory Boy: On the ceiling.

The Hub: She cooked?

What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned from the person you’re the closest to?

To leave the cooking to him.

Actually, not any more; his M.E. means that he can’t cook these days.

So I guess the lesson is, marry someone rich enough to afford takeaways.

*

It’s January 26. Write a post in which the number 26 plays a role.

Hello?  I’d like to order a Number 26, two 14s and a 32, please.

*

Tell us about the nicest thing you’ve ever done.

Stopped cooking for my family.

*

If you could fast forward to a specific date in the future, when would it be?

The day the replicator is finally invented.

*

Joke 863

3 Aug
Funny fortune cookie

Funny fortune cookie (Photo credit: dougbelshaw)

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.  Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with great effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife…

“Back off!” she said.  “They’re for the funeral.”

*

From Will & Guy

 

Joke 862

2 Aug
French is Funnier

French is Funnier (Photo credit: cpedraza_ca)

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

A: Nacho Cheese

Q: Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses?

A: R’n’Brie

Q: When should you go on a cheese diet?

A: If you need to cheddar few pounds

Q: What is a cannibal’s favourite cheese?

A: Limburger

Q: Which is the most religious cheese?

A: Swiss, because it is holy

Q: Which search engine is popular amongst mice?

A: Ask Cheese

Q: What group of cheese has been known to fly?

A: Curds of prey

Q: What does someone in a mall do with a cheesey credit card?

A: Go on a shopping brie

Q: What cheese surrounds a medieval castle?

A: Moatzeralla

*

From jokes4us

 

Joke 785

17 May

funny-pictures-squirrel-wants-cheese

The ‘nacho cheese’ was so popular, I found some more cheesy jokes for you.

*

‘Q: Did you hear about the explosion at a French cheese factory?

A: All that was left was de brie.

*

Q: Whom did the cheesy Bible start with?

A: Edam and Eve.

*

Q: What hotel do mice stay in ?

A: The Stilton

*

funny cheese pictures

Q: What dance do cheese makers do every Halloween?

A: The Muenster mash.

*

Q: What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost?

A: I’m Lac-ghost intolerant

*

Q: What’s the most popular American cheese sitcom?

A: Curd Your Enthusiasm

*

Q: Why does cheese look sane?

A: Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.

*

Q: What did the street cheese say after being attacked by several blades?

A: I’ve felt grater.

 

Joke 783

15 May

“Two peanuts walk into a really rough bar. Unfortunately, one was a salted.”

Français : Steak tartare présenté de façon ori...

Français : Steak tartare présenté de façon originale (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

@kchadda

“What do you call someone with jelly in one ear and custard in the other? A trifle deaf.”
@Channel4Food

“A man was drowned eating his muesli the other day. He was pulled in by a strong currant…”
@Bookatable

“Q: Why did the biscuit cry? A: Because his dad been a wafer so long”
@SeasonalFood

“How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down a hill.”
@Channel4Food

“Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.”
@BDT_Food

“Have you heard the one about the rhubarb who robbed a shop? He got taken into custardy.”
@Channel4Food

“Did you hear about the curry lover who wrote trashy fiction? He was a paperback riata.
@curryclubUK

“What cheese do you use to lure a bear down a mountain? Camembert!”
@lilyskitchen

“What cheese is made backwards? Edam”
@lilyskitchen

“What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit? An egg.”
@Addisonfowle

“What’s the fastest cake in the world?…scone.”
@Bakerjen

“How do you approach an angry welsh cheese? Caerphilly.”
@snidebeaker

“Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he’s a fun-guy”
@ChocExplosion

“What is small, red and whispers? … A HOARSE RADISH…”
@nathanrgray

“What’s orange and doesn’t belong to you? Nacho cheese!”
@Shinybiscuit

From Channel4

 

A Horse Meat Of A Different Colour

28 Feb
English: Donkeys on the beach at Scarborough. ...

Donkeys on the beach at Scarborough. Donkey rides are a common feature on British beaches. These donkeys were photographed while they were taking a break and eating from nose bags. Also on the beach is a small amusement park (left) and the lifeboat station (right) http://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/192382. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We think we’ve got it bad?

I just read a report in the Mail & Guardian that South Africans are eating ‘beef’ which is really goat, donkey and water buffalo.

Professor Louw Hoffman makes an excellent point:

There’s nothing wrong with eating donkey meat if you like eating donkey meat. It’s not more or less unhealthy than any other species. It boils down to the fact that you want to know what you’re eating.

Although, to be honest, if I’m eating donkey, I don’t think I do want to know what I’m eating.

I found this comment surprising:

The department of agriculture, forestry and fisheries has pointed out that eating unconventional species such as donkey, goat and water buffalo may seem unthinkable to many South Africans but it does not pose an automatic health risk.

What surprised me is that eating unconventional species is ‘unthinkable to many South Africans.’  This in a country which has a wonderful restaurant called The Train (in Midrand), where I have eaten elephant, shark, crocodile, giraffe and warthog.  They also serve water buffalo; but they don’t call it ‘beef’.  They call it ‘water buffalo’.

If you are ever in Midrand, you should visit The Train.  It’s less than R40 a head.  That’s about £3!  Or $4.50.

But be warned: they don’t have  a children’s menu.  Someone ate all the donkeys.

Joke 701

22 Feb

Kev and Bill were talking one day. ‘My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the greengrocer’s,’ said Kevin.

Nooooooooo

Nooooooooo (Photo credit: recompose)

‘So were you able to find some?” inquired Bill.

‘Well, when I got to the shop, I asked the manager, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?’   The shopkeeper told me, ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.’ ”

From Will & Guy.

 

A Doctor A Day Keeps Flesh-Eating Bugs Away

9 Feb

Thinking of going on a diet

I turn fifty this year; I need to take my health seriously.  I know this because I have received an invitation to attend a health check at my doctor’s surgery.  They would like to test for my risk of developing diabetes, heart disease, stroke and kidney failure.

Understanding Women

Understanding Women (Photo credit: Graela)

I suppose the thinking is:

  1. We’ll scare her into treating her body like a temple instead of a chocolate sanctuary
  2. It will save the NHS money if we catch her before it’s too late and too expensive for this postcode
  3. We don’t want her to die; she’s one of our most obedient patients, turning up on time for every appointment, whether voluntary or compulsory; and always taking the full course of antibiotics as instructed

I have never smoked, barely drink, don’t have the energy for late nights and walk every day…but I do like to eat.  ‘Being overweight’ is the top risk factor, according to the leaflet that accompanied the diktat to comply and book an appointment, stat!

Rather like over-filling the car at the petrol pump* and the gas station* exploding because someone belched last night’s spicy curry, I’m a walking time bomb.

*Also half-Brit, half-Yank, apparently: what would that make me? A Yit/Brank/Bank/Brink/Kit/Yurt?

Health

Health (Photo credit: Tax Credits) Yeah, right!   http://taxcredits.net/  

The only reason I hesitate is this: the letter sending my orders to report to base is signed by (you’ll like this, Dianne) the Patient Demographics Officer.  My Doctor doesn’t care enough to send a personal (it doesn’t have to be embossed) invitation to an event that might save my life.  Huh.

Let’s do a pros and cons list to decide if I should embark on a regime that will take over my life but prolong it:

Pros:

  • I’ll be healthy
  • I’ll be alive
  • I’ll make my Patient Demographics Officer happy
  • How patient is she?  This could take a while
  • The house will smell of fruit
  • The house will smell of cooked cabbage
  • The house will smell of fart
  • The last two are pros because they keep guests away
  • That’s a pro because have you seen the price of fruit and veg in this country?  If I eat healthily, I won’t have the money to serve biscuits with my guests’ tea.  How embarrassing
  • I won’t get sick, have to go into hospital, contract MRSA and other flesh-eating germs and die
  • I’ll live longer.  I’ll even outlive the Hub who won’t join me on a diet, will get sick, have to go into hospital with the flesh-eaters and, well, you know the rest…
  • If I live longer and even outlive the Hub, I’ll finally be able to chuck out his junk.  It’s worth dieting for that reason alone
  • I’ll finally get back in to my 1982 skinny jeans; I knew I was right to hang onto them
  • The house will smell of fruit

Cons:

  • I’ll have to give up Maltesers

The cons have it: no diet.

Christmas Menu

28 Dec
The Hub usually takes a better picture than this but he was in a hurry for his dinner

The Hub usually takes a better picture than this but he was in a hurry for his dinner

As I’ve done nothing but eat since Christmas Eve, I have nothing to tell you.  

Unless I go with what I’ve been eating.  

That’s what I’ll do.

IMGP2474

Here is our Christmas Dinner Menu (sans forgotten starter):

  • Turkey
  • Gammon
  • Chicken
  • I forgot to put out the sausages, though I did cook them
  • Cauliflower (for those who don’t like Cauliflower Cheese)
  • Cauliflower Cheese (for those who don’t like cauliflower on its own)
  • Broccoli
  • Parsnips in honey
  • Carrots
  • Peas
  • Green Beans
  • Sprouts
  • Mediterranean Vegetable Mix (because it looked tasty)
  • Mashed Potatoes (using the good margarine)
  • Roast Potatoes (cooked in the meat fat)
  • Homemade Yorkshire Puddings (because the Hub prefers them)
  • Shop-bought Yorkshire puddings (because Spud prefers them)
  • Homemade Gravy (using the meat stock – all three)
  • Homemade Apple Pie
  • Rhubarb Pie
  • Alison’s Fantastic Cheesecake (she always makes a huge one for the Hub at Christmas)
  • Chocolate Fudge Cake
  • Toblerone Cake
  • Frosted Fancies
  • Assorted Sponge Cakes
  • Bakewell Tarts
  • Cream

Is it any wonder I’ve done nothing since Christmas Day?

Apart from our traditional Boxing Day Buffet, that is.  

That list is even longer, so here’s an illustration instead (without puddings):

Boxing Day Savouries

Boxing Day Savouries

Like a reformed Scrooge, it is always said of me that I know how to keep Christmas well.  If my guests explode when they leave, that’s down to them being guzzleguts.

Food Facts

6 Dec

Christmas for many is all about preparing to eat, eating, then wishing you hadn’t eaten quite so much.

To celebrate the growing obesity* crisis that is December, here are some food facts:

  • Apples are made of 25% air, which is why they float.  They also have more stimulant than caffeine.  And I’ve been feeding them to my children.
  • Avocado has the highest protein and oil content of all fruits (I didn’t say they’d be interesting facts).  They are also poisonous to birds (okay, that is interesting).
  • Carrots were originally purple in colour, changing in the 17th Century to orange, through new varieties.
  • The most expensive coffee in the world comes from civet poop.  Not sure what a civet is, but if it poops, I’m not drinking the coffee.
  • Celery requires more calories to eat and digest than it contains.
  • Cherries are a member of the rose family.  Asparagus is a member of the lily family.  Food doesn’t know its place.
  • The largest food item on a menu is roast camel.  I wonder if that would be enough for my family this Christmas?
  • Corn always has an even number of ears. It only makes up about 8% of the weight in a box of corn flakes.
  • Worcestershire sauce is made from dissolved fish.  Ewwwwwwww!
  • Honey is the only edible food for humans that will never go bad.  A jar of honey that was 2000 years old was eaten safely.
  • Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries.  Strawberries have more vitamin C than oranges.  Strawberries knock citrus fruits on their – ahem – backsides.
  • Coconut water can be used (in emergencies) as a substitute for blood plasma.
  • Peanuts are an ingredient in dynamite.
  • Pear is a fruit that ripens from the inside out.
  • During a lifetime the average person eats about 35 tonnes of food.  70% of that at Christmas time.

Source: the internet, so they must be true.

*See what I did there?

Do you have an interesting food fact to share?

Joke 621

4 Dec
Turkey kit

Turkey kit (Photo credit: photogreuhphies)

I’m sure I’ve posted a better version of this but it’s still good for a giggle. This one is from Will & Guy.

How To Cook A Turkey

  • Buy a turkey
  • Take a drink or three of whisky
  • Put turkey in the oven
  • Take another two drinks of whisky
  • Set the degree at 375 ovens
  • Take three more whishkeys of drink
  • Turk the bastey
  • Whisky another bottle of get
  • Ponder the meat thermometer
  • Glass yourself a pour of whisky
  • Bake the whisky for 4 hours
  • Take the oven out of the turkey
  • Floor the turkey up off of the pick
  • Turk the carvey
  • Get yourself another scottle of botch
  • Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
  • Blass the dinner and pess out

Chocolate? Meh!

29 Oct
English: An Australian Milky Bar that has been...

English: An Australian Milky Bar that has been split in half. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Reading Elaine’s post today about chocolate sprinkles on bread (sorry, Elaine, but bleurgghh), it occurred to me that I am not really a fan of chocolate.  I like milk and white and would probably trade one of my children for a Malteser (only one of my kids – the other will be needed to bring me food when I’m too fat to leave my bed), but after that, I’m not bothered.  I mean, I can gulp down a Kit Kat, a Crunchie, a Bounty and a bag of Buttons in one sitting, but I can take or leave them.  Mostly take.

However, I never eat chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream, chocolate puddings or drink chocolate milk shake.  I do love a good chocolate swiss roll but only if it has white fondant in the centre.

I prefer a good jelly bean or chewy sweet, angel cake or fairy cakes.  My favourite cake is the little butterfly cake that is really a fairy cake with cream or butter icing.

English: Butterfly Cake, photographed by me on...

English: Butterfly Cake, photographed by me on 1st August 2007 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I can’t be called a chocoholic – it’s not even a real word so if you do call me that, your slap in the face will be for the annoying neologism, not the insult – but I can be called a greedy pig.  

How about you?  Are you as annoying as my Mum, who would receive a box of chocolates at Christmas and still have half left in November?  

Or is chocolate like drugs and alcohol to you, and must be eaten immediately if you have it in the house?

 

Joke 580

24 Oct

From Will & Guy.

Canned sliced peaches

Canned sliced peaches (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she answered that she was hungry.  The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She told him, “Six.”

The judge said, “Then I will give you six days in jail.”

Suddenly, the woman’s husband stood up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband replied, “She also stole a can of peas.”

Pigging Out

8 Oct

 

A full English breakfast with scrambled eggs, ...

A full English breakfast with scrambled eggs, bacon, sausages, hash browns, and half a tomato (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Saturday.  The scene: dinner time in the Bud House.

Spud:  What’s for dinner?

Tilly:  Bacon eggs pork sausages beans tomatoes leftover potato croquettes I found in the bottom of the freezer from when the kids were here in August because I’ve run out of hash browns and bread to soak it all up.

Spud:  Bacon?  But we had gammon yesterday.  Why are we having what is effectively the same meat again?

Tilly [Not bothering to put up a fight she knows she'll lose]:  Fine.  What do you want instead?

Spud:  Sandwiches.  Got any ham?

*

*

Sunday.  The scene: dinner time in the Bud House.

Spud:  What’s for dinner?

Tilly:  Bacon eggs sausage beans tomatoes leftover potato croquettes I found in the bottom of the freezer from when the kids were here in August because I’ve run out of hash browns and bread to soak it all up.

Spud:  Do I have to have bacon?  I had ham yesterday and gammon the day before.

Tilly: [Previous bracketed comment refers]:  Fine.  No bacon; just have the pork sausages.

Spud:  Okay, great!

 

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