French is Funnier (Photo credit: cpedraza_ca)
Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
Q: Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses?
Q: When should you go on a cheese diet?
A: If you need to cheddar few pounds
Q: What is a cannibal’s favourite cheese?
Q: Which is the most religious cheese?
A: Swiss, because it is holy
Q: Which search engine is popular amongst mice?
A: Ask Cheese
Q: What group of cheese has been known to fly?
A: Curds of prey
Q: What does someone in a mall do with a cheesey credit card?
A: Go on a shopping brie
Q: What cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
The ‘nacho cheese’ was so popular, I found some more cheesy jokes for you.
‘Q: Did you hear about the explosion at a French cheese factory?
A: All that was left was de brie.
Q: Whom did the cheesy Bible start with?
A: Edam and Eve.
Q: What hotel do mice stay in ?
A: The Stilton
Q: What dance do cheese makers do every Halloween?
A: The Muenster mash.
Q: What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost?
A: I’m Lac-ghost intolerant
Q: What’s the most popular American cheese sitcom?
A: Curd Your Enthusiasm
Q: Why does cheese look sane?
A: Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Q: What did the street cheese say after being attacked by several blades?
A: I’ve felt grater.
“Two peanuts walk into a really rough bar. Unfortunately, one was a salted.”
Français : Steak tartare présenté de façon originale (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
“What do you call someone with jelly in one ear and custard in the other? A trifle deaf.”
“A man was drowned eating his muesli the other day. He was pulled in by a strong currant…”
“Q: Why did the biscuit cry? A: Because his dad been a wafer so long”
“How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down a hill.”
“Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.”
“Have you heard the one about the rhubarb who robbed a shop? He got taken into custardy.”
“Did you hear about the curry lover who wrote trashy fiction? He was a paperback riata.
“What cheese do you use to lure a bear down a mountain? Camembert!”
“What cheese is made backwards? Edam”
“What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit? An egg.”
“What’s the fastest cake in the world?…scone.”
“How do you approach an angry welsh cheese? Caerphilly.”
“Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he’s a fun-guy”
“What is small, red and whispers? … A HOARSE RADISH…”
“What’s orange and doesn’t belong to you? Nacho cheese!”
Donkeys on the beach at Scarborough. Donkey rides are a common feature on British beaches. These donkeys were photographed while they were taking a break and eating from nose bags. Also on the beach is a small amusement park (left) and the lifeboat station (right) http://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/192382. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
We think we’ve got it bad?
I just read a report in the Mail & Guardian that South Africans are eating ‘beef’ which is really goat, donkey and water buffalo.
Professor Louw Hoffman makes an excellent point:
There’s nothing wrong with eating donkey meat if you like eating donkey meat. It’s not more or less unhealthy than any other species. It boils down to the fact that you want to know what you’re eating.
Although, to be honest, if I’m eating donkey, I don’t think I do want to know what I’m eating.
I found this comment surprising:
The department of agriculture, forestry and fisheries has pointed out that eating unconventional species such as donkey, goat and water buffalo may seem unthinkable to many South Africans but it does not pose an automatic health risk.
What surprised me is that eating unconventional species is ‘unthinkable to many South Africans.’ This in a country which has a wonderful restaurant called The Train (in Midrand), where I have eaten elephant, shark, crocodile, giraffe and warthog. They also serve water buffalo; but they don’t call it ‘beef’. They call it ‘water buffalo’.
If you are ever in Midrand, you should visit The Train. It’s less than R40 a head. That’s about £3! Or $4.50.
But be warned: they don’t have a children’s menu. Someone ate all the donkeys.
Kev and Bill were talking one day. ‘My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the greengrocer’s,’ said Kevin.
Nooooooooo (Photo credit: recompose)
‘So were you able to find some?” inquired Bill.
‘Well, when I got to the shop, I asked the manager, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?’ The shopkeeper told me, ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.’ ”
From Will & Guy.
Thinking of going on a diet
I turn fifty this year; I need to take my health seriously. I know this because I have received an invitation to attend a health check at my doctor’s surgery. They would like to test for my risk of developing diabetes, heart disease, stroke and kidney failure.
Understanding Women (Photo credit: Graela)
I suppose the thinking is:
- We’ll scare her into treating her body like a temple instead of a chocolate sanctuary
- It will save the NHS money if we catch her before it’s too late and too expensive for this postcode
- We don’t want her to die; she’s one of our most obedient patients, turning up on time for every appointment, whether voluntary or compulsory; and always taking the full course of antibiotics as instructed
I have never smoked, barely drink, don’t have the energy for late nights and walk every day…but I do like to eat. ’Being overweight’ is the top risk factor, according to the leaflet that accompanied the diktat to comply and book an appointment, stat!
Rather like over-filling the car at the petrol pump* and the gas station* exploding because someone belched last night’s spicy curry, I’m a walking time bomb.
*Also half-Brit, half-Yank, apparently: what would that make me? A Yit/Brank/Bank/Brink/Kit/Yurt?
Health (Photo credit: Tax Credits) Yeah, right! http://taxcredits.net/
The only reason I hesitate is this: the letter sending my orders to report to base is signed by (you’ll like this, Dianne) the Patient Demographics Officer. My Doctor doesn’t care enough to send a personal (it doesn’t have to be embossed) invitation to an event that might save my life. Huh.
Let’s do a pros and cons list to decide if I should embark on a regime that will take over my life but prolong it:
- I’ll be healthy
- I’ll be alive
- I’ll make my Patient Demographics Officer happy
- How patient is she? This could take a while
- The house will smell of fruit
- The house will smell of cooked cabbage
- The house will smell of fart
- The last two are pros because they keep guests away
- That’s a pro because have you seen the price of fruit and veg in this country? If I eat healthily, I won’t have the money to serve biscuits with my guests’ tea. How embarrassing
- I won’t get sick, have to go into hospital, contract MRSA and other flesh-eating germs and die
- I’ll live longer. I’ll even outlive the Hub who won’t join me on a diet, will get sick, have to go into hospital with the flesh-eaters and, well, you know the rest…
- If I live longer and even outlive the Hub, I’ll finally be able to chuck out his junk. It’s worth dieting for that reason alone
- I’ll finally get back in to my 1982 skinny jeans; I knew I was right to hang onto them
- The house will smell of fruit
- I’ll have to give up Maltesers
The cons have it: no diet.
The Hub usually takes a better picture than this but he was in a hurry for his dinner
As I’ve done nothing but eat since Christmas Eve, I have nothing to tell you.
Unless I go with what I’ve been eating.
That’s what I’ll do.
Here is our Christmas Dinner Menu (sans forgotten starter):
- I forgot to put out the sausages, though I did cook them
- Cauliflower (for those who don’t like Cauliflower Cheese)
- Cauliflower Cheese (for those who don’t like cauliflower on its own)
- Parsnips in honey
- Green Beans
- Mediterranean Vegetable Mix (because it looked tasty)
- Mashed Potatoes (using the good margarine)
- Roast Potatoes (cooked in the meat fat)
- Homemade Yorkshire Puddings (because the Hub prefers them)
- Shop-bought Yorkshire puddings (because Spud prefers them)
- Homemade Gravy (using the meat stock – all three)
- Homemade Apple Pie
- Rhubarb Pie
- Alison’s Fantastic Cheesecake (she always makes a huge one for the Hub at Christmas)
- Chocolate Fudge Cake
- Toblerone Cake
- Frosted Fancies
- Assorted Sponge Cakes
- Bakewell Tarts
Is it any wonder I’ve done nothing since Christmas Day?
Apart from our traditional Boxing Day Buffet, that is.
That list is even longer, so here’s an illustration instead (without puddings):
Boxing Day Savouries
Like a reformed Scrooge, it is always said of me that I know how to keep Christmas well. If my guests explode when they leave, that’s down to them being guzzleguts.
Christmas for many is all about preparing to eat, eating, then wishing you hadn’t eaten quite so much.
To celebrate the growing obesity* crisis that is December, here are some food facts:
- Apples are made of 25% air, which is why they float. They also have more stimulant than caffeine. And I’ve been feeding them to my children.
- Avocado has the highest protein and oil content of all fruits (I didn’t say they’d be interesting facts). They are also poisonous to birds (okay, that is interesting).
- Carrots were originally purple in colour, changing in the 17th Century to orange, through new varieties.
- The most expensive coffee in the world comes from civet poop. Not sure what a civet is, but if it poops, I’m not drinking the coffee.
- Celery requires more calories to eat and digest than it contains.
- Cherries are a member of the rose family. Asparagus is a member of the lily family. Food doesn’t know its place.
- The largest food item on a menu is roast camel. I wonder if that would be enough for my family this Christmas?
- Corn always has an even number of ears. It only makes up about 8% of the weight in a box of corn flakes.
- Worcestershire sauce is made from dissolved fish. Ewwwwwwww!
- Honey is the only edible food for humans that will never go bad. A jar of honey that was 2000 years old was eaten safely.
- Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries. Strawberries have more vitamin C than oranges. Strawberries knock citrus fruits on their – ahem – backsides.
- Coconut water can be used (in emergencies) as a substitute for blood plasma.
- Peanuts are an ingredient in dynamite.
- Pear is a fruit that ripens from the inside out.
- During a lifetime the average person eats about 35 tonnes of food. 70% of that at Christmas time.
Source: the internet, so they must be true.
*See what I did there?
Do you have an interesting food fact to share?
Turkey kit (Photo credit: photogreuhphies)
I’m sure I’ve posted a better version of this but it’s still good for a giggle. This one is from Will & Guy.
How To Cook A Turkey
- Buy a turkey
- Take a drink or three of whisky
- Put turkey in the oven
- Take another two drinks of whisky
- Set the degree at 375 ovens
- Take three more whishkeys of drink
- Turk the bastey
- Whisky another bottle of get
- Ponder the meat thermometer
- Glass yourself a pour of whisky
- Bake the whisky for 4 hours
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Floor the turkey up off of the pick
- Turk the carvey
- Get yourself another scottle of botch
- Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
- Blass the dinner and pess out
English: An Australian Milky Bar that has been split in half. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Reading Elaine’s post today about chocolate sprinkles on bread (sorry, Elaine, but bleurgghh), it occurred to me that I am not really a fan of chocolate. I like milk and white and would probably trade one of my children for a Malteser (only one of my kids – the other will be needed to bring me food when I’m too fat to leave my bed), but after that, I’m not bothered. I mean, I can gulp down a Kit Kat, a Crunchie, a Bounty and a bag of Buttons in one sitting, but I can take or leave them. Mostly take.
However, I never eat chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream, chocolate puddings or drink chocolate milk shake. I do love a good chocolate swiss roll but only if it has white fondant in the centre.
I prefer a good jelly bean or chewy sweet, angel cake or fairy cakes. My favourite cake is the little butterfly cake that is really a fairy cake with cream or butter icing.
English: Butterfly Cake, photographed by me on 1st August 2007 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I can’t be called a chocoholic – it’s not even a real word so if you do call me that, your slap in the face will be for the annoying neologism, not the insult – but I can be called a greedy pig.
How about you? Are you as annoying as my Mum, who would receive a box of chocolates at Christmas and still have half left in November?
Or is chocolate like drugs and alcohol to you, and must be eaten immediately if you have it in the house?
From Will & Guy.
Canned sliced peaches (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
A woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?”
She replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she answered that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She told him, “Six.”
The judge said, “Then I will give you six days in jail.”
Suddenly, the woman’s husband stood up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband replied, “She also stole a can of peas.”
A full English breakfast with scrambled eggs, bacon, sausages, hash browns, and half a tomato (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Saturday. The scene: dinner time in the Bud House.
Spud: What’s for dinner?
Tilly: Bacon eggs pork sausages beans tomatoes leftover potato croquettes I found in the bottom of the freezer from when the kids were here in August because I’ve run out of hash browns and bread to soak it all up.
Spud: Bacon? But we had gammon yesterday. Why are we having what is effectively the same meat again?
Tilly [Not bothering to put up a fight she knows she'll lose]: Fine. What do you want instead?
Spud: Sandwiches. Got any ham?
Sunday. The scene: dinner time in the Bud House.
Spud: What’s for dinner?
Tilly: Bacon eggs sausage beans tomatoes leftover potato croquettes I found in the bottom of the freezer from when the kids were here in August because I’ve run out of hash browns and bread to soak it all up.
Spud: Do I have to have bacon? I had ham yesterday and gammon the day before.
Tilly: [Previous bracketed comment refers]: Fine. No bacon; just have the pork sausages.
Spud: Okay, great!
Two news items this week.
From The Telegraph:
A human finger found inside a fish in Idaho was traced to a man who lost four fingers in an accident months before.
A fisherman cleaning a trout found a severed finger inside and gave it to the police, who traced it, via the fingerprint, to Hans Galassi, 31, who lost it (along with the other three) while wakeboarding.
“The sheriff called me and told me he had a strange story to tell me,” Mr Galassi said [...] ”I was like: Let me guess, they found my fingers in a fish.”
I wonder if he sulked when only one finger was found? It would give new meaning to the term trout pout.
Apparently, he declined the finger’s return.
Sheriff’s Detective Sgt. Gary Johnston said the agency will keep the digit for a few weeks in case he changes his mind.
From our very own Stockport Express:
A horrified mum bit into a supermarket sandwich – and discovered she had eaten a chunk of a ‘hairy creature’ inside.
Katie Crabtree, 31, was shocked to discover what she believes was a small, dead rodent in her pre-packaged sandwich bought from Tesco at Portwood.
Here’s a photograph:
Be honest: would you eat that? Me neither; that bacon looks congealed.
I always avoid pre-packed sandwiches; I’m not keen on mayonnaise cardboard with a side serving of plastic (mouse optional).
On the subject of disgusting things in food, my family have a meal time saying:
I’ve got the hair.
My hair is so long now that, despite tying it back and covering it with a cap when I cook, some always escapes and makes its way onto a plate (oddly, never mine; it is not homing hair). The family have got so used to it, no food is ever wasted.
If I find anything besides malt or chocolate in a Malteser, I’m going on a diet. I’ll only eat one box a day. Just to be safe.
Accident or design?
Today’s quote when this post published:
Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers.
Pardon me for still harping on the subject of Pseu’s visit, but this post is especially for Dianne at Schmidley’s Scribbling, who commented:
[T]he food platters look nice, but what are those round brown things on the end of the plate? They look like miniature Yorkshire puddings or something else. Suspicious given the topics of your last few blogs.
Dianne – they are pork pies: thick, inedible pastry filled with gross cuts of pork (maybe) and a disgusting jelly. They are a popular British snack, particularly at parties.
The Hub and I went sandwich ingredient shopping the day before Pseu came. The Hub spotted some scotch eggs.
Scotch eggs (Photo credit: mynameisrichard)
HUB: Let’s get some scotch eggs.
TLH: Scotch eggs! I’m not buying scotch eggs! She’ll think we’re good northern stock.
HUB: We are good northern stock.
TLH: Yes, but we don’t have to boast about it. Anyway, when have we ever eaten scotch eggs?
HUB: I love scotch eggs!
TLH: You never eat them!
HUB: You never buy them. There’s a difference.
TLH: I’m not buying them now, either.
We settled for pork pies – a more refined northern delicacy.
Pseu ate one.
I didn’t; I don’t like them. I may be of good northern stock , but I have taste.