Joke 819

That awkward moment when you spell a word so wrong… (Photo credit: QuotesEverlasting)

While we’re on the subject…

Eye halve a spelling chequer. It came with my pea sea. It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say weather eye am wrong oar write. It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid it nose bee fore two long. And than eye can put the error rite.

Its rarely ever wrong. Eye have run this let tar threw it. I am pleased two tell you its letter perfect. My checker tolled me sew.

Sauce unknown.

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From Will & Guy

Joke 818

4 – 1878 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

 

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.  In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. And Golf Clubs 4.1.  Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.5 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

 

 

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.  If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.  

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck, 

Tech Support

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Thanks to Charlie at readbetweentheminds for this one.

   

I Thought About Writing This Post But…

Photograph  © janetsnotebook.com

Daily Prompt: Shape Up or Ship Out

Write a letter to the personality trait you like least, convincing it to shape up or ship out. Be as threatening, theatrical, or thoroughly charming as is necessary to get the job done.

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Dear Procrastination,

How are you?  You haven’t replied to my previous three emails so I don’t know.

You need to get your act together and start writing some posts about the visit of your blogger friend Janet.  Not only has she written nine posts about her time with us, she has also compiled them into a fabulous, free ebook which exposes the dirty underbelly and large overbelly of life in Tillybudland.  She puts you to shame.

She even included new photographs!  The one of us in an old pinny and yellow hairnet is rather fetching, if you like your unflattering pictures in multicolours (I know I do).

If you want to read or download the exposé ebook, just visit Janet’s Notebook.

Lots of love, 

Your Better Self

PS Sorry this is so late; I’ve been meaning to write it for ages but never got around to it.

 

Joke 817

The joke is from all over the internet.

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One spelling mistake can destroy a marriage.

A husband on a business trip wrote a message to his wife and missed one letter:

“I am having such a wonderful time.  Wish you were her.”

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The poem is from vivianc.

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
The right way to spell POTATO should be GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

*

Joke 816

I’m going to confess up front that I don’t know enough about grammar to understand all of these jokes; but I know some of my readers do, so their four ewe.

• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They drink. They leave.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.
• A Question mark walks into a bar?
• Two Quotation marks “walk into” a bar.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking a drink.
• The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A synonym ambles into a pub.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.
• A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything.
• A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapsed to the bar floor.
• A group of homophones wok inn two a bar. 

UPDATE:

Al left this clever one in the comments:

• An antonym walks out of a bar.

 

 

 

 

Joke 815

No blanket jokes?  What was I thinking?  Wee Scoops flooded my comments box with  these.  I love ‘em!  The last one is my new all-time favourite joke. Thanks, Wee Scoops.

English: A blanket fort suspended on strings. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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A blanket walked into a bar behind a policeman. Suddenly they heard gun shots. The policeman yelled, “Cover me!”

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A blanket walked into a bar to order lunch. “I’m sorry,” the barman said, “we only serve wraps.”

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A blanket walks into a bar and is pleased to see everyone else with a lit cigarette. He lights up, takes a draw and the barman says, “I’m sorry – we have a blanket ban on smoking.”

 

Old Friends Are Coming To See Us Later

I’m making a roast dinner today.

Yummy!

It’s almost worth having visitors.

Roast chicken, the most commonly eaten white meat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Go here to join in Six Word Saturday

 

Joke 814

Maybe They Won’t See Me (Photo credit: jamacdonald)

As I get closer to the 1001st joke, it’s getting tougher to find jokes I haven’t posted before.   I find myself looking around the room for a topic I might not have covered.  Tonight, I spotted a blanket.

There are no jokes about blankets, I thought.  Incredibly, I was wrong.  I do love the internet!

I know I have posted the first joke before (searching for man/woman jokes), but it’s so good, it’s worth sharing again.  The others are new to me.

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?”

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says, “I’ve got a better idea…let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Why not,” giggles the woman.

“Good,” he replies. “Get your own blanket.” 

Gilbert Sleeping (Photo credit: somenametoforget)

How do you make anti-freeze?

Take away her blanket.

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Why couldn’t the blanket get a job?

It kept getting turned down.

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I love my electric blanket. It’s so much better than my acoustic one.

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Any guy out there who believes women are the weaker sex has never tried to reclaim his half of the blanket on a cold winter’s night.

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From jokebook.eu

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Joke 813

Nineteenth century engraving of a performance from the Chester mystery play cycle. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theatre for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theatre, far from the stage.

The man calls over an usher and whispers, ”I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I’ll give you a handsome tip.” 

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets.

With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theatre, he whispers, ”Follow me.” The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. 

”Thanks so much,” says the theatregoer, ”This seat is perfect.” He then hands the usher a dollar. 

The usher looks down at the dollar, leans over and whispers, ”The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick.”

From jokes.com

 

Free Download Of Me

Cartoon Superman (Photo credit: ssoosay) He’s pretty dumb – he still uses a phone box…

English Pen ran a competition: make up a word; use it as a title in a poem or piece of flash fiction.  I did; I didn’t win; but I was a runner-up – one of thirty, from over 400 entries.

That was some weeks ago.  I received an email with the news; then another, telling me where to access a free download of the anthology e-book, The Dictionary Of Made-Up Words.

Cue weeks of frustration.  I could NOT download that damn thing.  I can’t tell you how I struggled, trying to access it.  I have no idea how I ended up with seventeen downloads of the same document on several computers (I thought it might be something to do with the Windows package), but so it was.  It appears I could download it; I just couldn’t read it.

The email offered me a MOBI version for Kindle.  I was told I needed to download a MOBI package to access the e-book.  I was too scared to do that – I’ve heard about these exploding viruses that wipe your hard drive.  The Hub has warned me ever since I learned to switch on a computer by myself: NEVER click ‘Yes’ on an executable file if you don’t know the source.  I don’t know if it was an executable file; I don’t know who this MOBI is, but I suspect he’s a bit of a dick, so I played it safe and that is possibly why I have seventeen downloads of a file I can not access on all computers in the house and even one in Peterborough with Tory Boy.

English Pen asked us to publicise the e-book, but how could I ask you to face the same trials I was facing?

I could not.  I like you all too much to want you to stand beating your heads against a brick wall (or tin wall, for those of you who live in less traditional structures; but it’s still got to hurt).

Ma.ture Technology (Photo credit: ncomment). I think I know why this is funny but I don’t understand most of the language.  Rather like my relationship with computers, actually.

Round about the time I was ready to take a screwdriver to my laptop to see if the book was lurking about in its entrails, the Hub stepped in.

Much shouting ensued, because I was telling him how to do the thing he was doing because I didn’t know how to do it (c’mon ladies…we’ve all done it).  Here’s the gist of it:

HUB (in capitals because he’s yelling): It’s not for your computer, it’s for your Kindle!  All you’ve got to do is transfer it from your laptop to your Kindle!

ME (in capitals because I’m yelling because I’m wrong): Oohhhhhhh….

Me (in lower case because I’m an idiot): And how do I do that?

*

You know what the irony of this story is?

My poem is about my inability to use technology.

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piano hazard (Photo credit: Zemlinki!)

You can download the whole book for free (if you need a Hub to hurl abuse at you while that’s happening, mine’s available), for your Kindle, Nook or something else, here.  

They will send you an email with a couple of links.  Don’t ask me for help.

Take some time to read the comments about the winning poem.  They make the Hub and I look like we’re blissfully in love.

For those of you who don’t have an e-reader (or the technology gene), here’s my poem:

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Techneptitude

 

The science 

of misunderstanding an appliance.

 

The groan 

accompanying a new phone.

 

The cry
as an elderly computer dies.

 

The ache
for a simpler age,
when a book had a page.

 

Techneptitude -

technological stupidity

with a hint of decrepitude.

 

 

Joke 812

Time for some Groucho Marx.  You’ve probably heard them all but they are always worth sharing again.

• No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
• Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
• Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
• Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others.
• A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
• One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
• Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
• From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
• My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
• I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
• I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
• Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
• Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
• Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
• She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
• I intend to live forever, or die trying.
• I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
  

From brainyquote.

Lynn Noxin, This Post Is For You

Time to catch up on a few Daily Prompts.

Draft a post with three parts, each unrelated to the another, but create a common thread between them by including the same item — an object, a symbol, a place — in each part.

I went one better and did it in four parts, with four disparate questions:

• Normal is as normal does
• A review
• World hunger eradicated
• A party

The object: a friend.

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Is being “normal” — whatever that means to you — a good thing, or a bad thing? Neither?

‘Normal.’  I’ve heard of it.  Can’t say I know what it’s like.

A true story: a friend and I were chatting.  I consider her a left-leaning hippy. She considers my a right-wing…well, let’s not use any swear words on a family blog, shall we?

We were chatting about the nature of eccentricity.  I asked her if she thought I was eccentric and she replied yes.  My face fell.

She asked me if I thought she was eccentric and I replied no.  Her face fell.

I was too polite to tell the truth.  I hope she was, too.

Normal is over-rated.  If I was normal, I’d have three followers and no five-day visits to and from complete strangers who become best friends.

*

Write a review of your life — or the life of someone close to you — as if it were a movie or a book.

I have a lovely friend who is a left-leaning hippy.  She moved away.  Pity.  Next to her, I look normal.

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If you could get all the nutrition you needed in a day with a pill — no worrying about what to eat, no food preparation — would you do it?

This has to be the dumbest question yet.

Of course I would.  No cooking, ever?

Duh.

*

Plan the ultimate celebration for the person you’re closest to, and tell us about it. Where is it? Who’s there? What’s served? What happens?

I have this lovely, left-leaning hippy friend who promised to visit me last Easter. I’m still waiting.  I’m sure she’ll arrive soon, because I have a whole party prepared for her…my lounge; me; I’ve even prepared a delicious dinner of pill.

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Joke 811

• For sincere advice and the correct time, call any number at random at 3:00 a.m.   Steve Martin
• Excuse me, my leg has gone to sleep; do you mind if I join it?   Alexander Woollcott (Theatre Critic)
• I’m not a very good sleeper, but you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.   Jarod Kintz
• No, you didn’t wake me up; I had to get up to answer the phone anyway. ‘Yogi’ Berra
• The amount of sleep needed by the average person is five minutes more. Max Kaufman
• When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.   Rule of Feline Frustration
• If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words ‘We need to talk about our relationship’ may help.   Rita Rudner
• There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep. Ralph Waldo Emerson
• I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.   Ronald Reagan

From just-one-liners.com

Joke 810

Thumb Sucking (Photo credit: nathansnostalgia)

A boy had reached the age of four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb.

His mother had tried everything, from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon.”

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench.

The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then said, “Uh-oh…I know what you’ve been doing.”

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From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 809

What a funny sign this is! (Photo credit: Gene Hunt)

A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool.  

He looks the bartender in the eye and says, “Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?”

The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Sure, the toilet’s right around the corner.”

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From jokes.com