Joke 808

Image taken from Answer It’s blog.

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A man and a small boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment – shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut – he placed the boy in the chair.

“I’m going to buy a  tie to wear for the wedding,” he said.  ”I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, ”Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”

“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’ “

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From funnydb.net.

Joke 807

Image taken from Answer It’s blog.

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SIGNS THAT YOU’RE A DRUNK

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
• You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
• Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
• You fall off the floor.
• That damn pink elephant followed you home again.
• You have a reserved parking space at the bottle store.
• Your career won’t progress beyond Member of Parliament.

From jokes.com

 

Joke 806

Image taken from Answer It’s blog.

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Flight Attendant’s Announcement:

Please decide what you will be doing before you enter the lavatory, as once you enter there is no turning around.

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If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.

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Jokes from familyfriendjokes.com

 

 

 

Joke 805

Overworked and Underpaid Inc Now Seeking Qualified Applicants (Photo credit: Graela)

Allegedly, these are taken from real job applications:

• “I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.”
• “I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms.”
• “I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
• “Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.”
• “Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”
• “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”
• “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
• “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”
• “You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”
• “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
• “I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”
• “Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.”
• “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
• “I am loyal to my employer at all costs…Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.”
• “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.”
• “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

From Will & Guy.

Wednesday

The post’s title is short because that’s all I can think of today.  I promised you stories of my mucus, old buildings and new visitors; but all you’ve had are jokes.

Super Yorkie (Photo credit: Jenn and Tony Bot)

I’m tired.

I’ve had two months of constant on-the-go-ness and now I have to listen to my husband using my own nagging against me: Listen to your body!  It’s okay to do nothing for a little while. Watch telly and leave your laptop alone.  Your readers will manage to survive without you.

Okay, I don’t say that last bit to him, but I would if he was a blogger.

I’m lying in bed at lunchtime typing this, and I don’t feel guilty.  I don’t feel anything except jellyness – that feeling that you will collapse into a sticky puddle on the floor, licked up by dogs with sweet tooths and remembered only as that blogger who made us laugh for a bit till she overdid it and then disappeared into a Yorkie’s gut.

Yes, self-pity is alive and well in Tillybudland, but it’s nothing a week off and the first thirty episodes of ER won’t cure.

See you on the other side, if I don’t turn into a pudding.

Joke 804

World’s Largest Cell Phone is prank-called (Photo credit: spudart)

Thanks to Siggi of Maine for sending this great joke, now one of my favourites.  

I was tempted to make it about the Hub and me, with Hub playing the wife and me playing the husband, because if the character fits….

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A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I’m on the toilet. Please advise.

 

Joke 803

Students taking a test at the University of Vienna at the end of the summer term 2005 (Saturday, June 25, 2005). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A professor gave an important test to his students.

Once the test was over, the students handed the completed papers in.  One student had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, “A dollar per point.”

The professor handed the marked tests out during their next class.

One student got back his test and $56 change.

From ahagas.com

Joke 802

Hard Labor Musical Joke (Photo credit: AV Dezign)

These are from ducksdeluxe.com…evidently, musicians don’t rate high on their agenda:

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

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What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
Who cares – neither one’s a guitar.

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How do you know when the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

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What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

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How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.

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“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk.”
“Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates.”

“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see.”
“Fine…go right on in through the Pearly Gates.”

“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy.”
“You can load in through the kitchen.”

Joke 801

filedesc A 30″ (75cm) riding crop. I, User:OwenX, photographed this on 30 December 2005 in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada using a Fujifilm FinePix F440 digital camera. I am hereby licensing this image to the Wikimedia Foundation in perpetuity under the terms of GFDL. de:Bild:Riding crop.JPG (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve planted a riding whip.

I’m hoping for a nice crop.

From punoftheday

 

Somebody Went To Prison And All I Got Was This Lousy Anniversary Card

Today is my 28th wedding anniversary.  

Our wedding anniversary, I should say.

Nelson Mandela served twenty-seven years and he got a Nobel Peace Prize.  Me? I got an extra year, a card, and the most loving husband on the planet.

If you don’t believe me, ask my recent escapee, Janet.

Janet of Janet’s Notebook came to visit this week, for five days, with her son, Ben.  They wore me out but we had a great time.  You will be reading about our adventures over the next week or so, when I’ve recovered, but if you can’t wait until then, here are some of her posts about our time together:

Granny Liu: On accents

Who is that dog walker?: On dogs

The north south divide: On the phone

Laughter and love: On being soppy

I know how much you love me so don’t think she’s having fun at my expense (she is, but not maliciously), though I have to admit, it’s a weird sensation to be the butt instead of the butter of the joke.

However, I had great fun learning about another blogger and her quirks.  And of my own.  Janet made me wonder how the Hub has put up with me all of these years.

Now for the next twenty-eight.  Gulp.

Love you, my darling.  But please don’t tell anyone, it ruins my image.  

Happy anniversary xx

Joke 800

Dog Dressed as Air Force Pilot (Photo credit: http://www.petsadviser.com)

True Stories from Flight Attendants

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture,” and their other announcements, a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

• “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
• “We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, please contact a member of the flight crew and they will escort you to the wing of the airplane.”
• Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
• “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”
• “As you exit the plane, please be sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
• “Last one off the plane must clean it.”
• And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry…Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.”
• Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault…it was the asphalt!”
• Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
• Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
• An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady, walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”
• After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silent, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
• Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

From scaruffi.com

Joke 799

A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.

Whoops! A Daisy

Thank you to everyone who took a look at our church website (old and new) and left feedback.  

We considered every suggestion then threw them out as too radical (mention the opening times? Ridiculous!).

Not really, of course; I was just checking to see if you were paying attention.

Here’s the finished article (sort of; I still have some proof reading to do): St Matthew’s.

It’s been up and running about a month; maybe two…Our Illustrious Leader Pam asked me to thank you all for your contributions (about a month ago; maybe two).

Thank you, all!

Joke 798

Ursus americanus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A hunter in a forest was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. 

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. He had no escape. 

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear quickly closing in, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, “Dear Lord, please give this bear some religion!” 

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, “Thank you, Lord, for the food I’m about to receive…”

From ajokeaday.com

 

Joke 797

Apologies for the late joke (it has ceased to be; it is an ex-joke); I fell into bed, exhausted, last night.  But I did think of you before I slipped into a coma…and decided my sleep was worth more than your fleeting amusement.

Now that I’m properly refreshed, I can see how muddled my thinking was.

Here’s the joke:

Okay, not quite yet.  I couldn’t find a joke about being tired.  Instead, I bring you some tired jokes:

• I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.    Steven Wright
• I had plastic surgery last week.  I cut up my credit cards.   Henny Youngman
• A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.   Hussein Nishah
• I used to like my neighbours until they put a password on their wi-fi.   Anon
• I’m afraid of three things: women, snakes, and the police. They all have the ability to hurt me and make it look like it was my fault.  Nikhil Saluja

From searchquotes.com