Tag Archives: Joke

I Told A Joke A Day For A 1001 Days

19 Dec

…And then some!

When I set myself the challenge of telling you a joke a day for 1001 days, I’m not sure that I believed I could do it.  It seemed like a fun challenge but I can’t say I had a burning desire to complete it.  However, I plodded on; sometimes staying up late with a couple of matchsticks and glowing screen; sometimes scheduling them a week in advance.   Occasionally, because of computer or internet problems, I posted late…but I never missed a day!

I told puns and one-liners and shaggy dog stories.  I shared lists and cartoons.  I lifted stories from news sites, comedians, the telly, and other blogs.  I told jokes so bad, I had to give you another dozen to disguise them.  And I never missed a day.

When I was stuck for a topic, I looked around the room until something caught my eye, then I Googled it: jokes about computers; jokes about dogs; jokes about chairs.  I once shared this habit with you and I was challenged to find a joke about orange.  I found a hundred.  I have to say, I’m probably Google’s biggest fan.

Some of you love the jokes; some of you never read them.  I found it arduous at times to come up with something, but I kept on going for the diehards who wanted their joke for the day.  Thank you for making me post a joke a day.

There were times when I was ready to jack it in.  I have been tired and unwell this year and ready to take a break from blogging, but I had to post a joke a day. I plodded on.  Then I hit day 851: the bulk of the challenge was behind me; the end was almost in sight.  I was determined to reach the end.

Animated horse, made by rotoscoping 19th centu...

Animated horse, made by rotoscoping 19th century photos by Eadweard Muybridge. Artistic license has been used to achieve the cartoony look. Animated by J-E Nyström, User:Janke, released under CC-BY-SA-2.5 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And I did!

I have to say it – I’m rather impressed with myself. Telling a joke a day doesn’t sound that difficult, but have you tried to find funny, clean jokes on the internet or elsewhere?  I swear, there isn’t one topic that cannot somehow be made grubby by those with the will to do it.  My eyes dropped and my chin boggled at some of the stuff I was forced to filter on your behalf.

But it was worth it.  Searching for laughter is always worth it.

Sharing the laughter – my reader-approved-by-poll tagline – is what this blog is all about and you helped me, beloved readers: you shared your jokes by email, post and comment; you re-blogged and pinned the best jokes; you tut-tutted at the duff puns and gently/forcefully steered me in the direction you wanted me to take.

Most of all, you laughed.  You commented.  You shared the laughter.

Thank you.  Thank you for your encouragement.  Thank you for your terrible (and sometimes terribly rude) jokes.  Thank you for your hilarious jokes.

Thank you for sharing the laughter.

Now, I’m going to take a month off blogging; and re-group.

And that’s no joke.

I have prepared a couple of end-of-challenge posts, to round things off; but there will be no jokes; no posts; no comments after this week.  

I apologise to new readers but something’s got to give.  I don’t want it to be my sanity.

To soften the blow, I will share my absolute favourite joke from the archive.  I laugh out loud every time I read it.  

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre, followed by drinks.  They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman.  Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replied.  ‘You just happened to catch my eye.’

Joke 1001

19 Dec

First, jokes from the archive:

Very British Problems

There was a knock on the door one morning.  Seamus opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said, “Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”

Seamus said, “Come in and sit down.”

After he offered his visitor a fresh cup of coffee, Seamus asked, “What do you want to talk about?”

The Jehovah’s Witness said, “Beats me.  Nobody ever let me in before.”

Any guy out there who believes women are the weaker sex has never tried to reclaim his half of the blanket on a cold winter’s night.

An old sea-captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different colour…green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

“What’s the matter old-timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old captain replied, “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

From A Doctor:

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

‘Big breaths,’ I instructed.

‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

Someecards

And finally, at last, here it comes, ta-da!  

From Heroes magazine (supporting the British military), my 1001st joke:

*

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewellery. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlit tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”

*

And here’s my end-of-performance jig, to celebrate:

Thank you, everyone, for reading along and commenting.  It has been my pleasure.

Joke 1000

18 Dec

Every ten years, monks in a monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words.

Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”

Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”

It’s the big day a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” says the head monk. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

*

From buzzle.com

*find x

From the archive:

*

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Trek epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s going to get it wrong.

 *

No collection of jokes from the archive would be complete without the incomparable punster Tim Vine:

Tim Vine The Joke-Amotive promotional advert

Tim Vine The Joke-Amotive promotional advert (Photo credit: http://www.theedinburghblog.co.uk)

*

  • So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
  • So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, “Audi!”
  • So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.
  • I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
  • I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
  • I bought a train ticket and the driver said, “Eurostar.” I said, “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
  • At least it’s comfortable on Eurostar; it’s murder on the Orient Express…
  • I went to the doctor. I said to him, “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
  • So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
  • I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
  • My mate asked me, “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said, “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
  • So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
  • This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
  • So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
  • So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
  • I went out on a date with Simile. I don’t know what I metaphor.
     
  • My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
  • I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
  • I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death.
  • Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.
  • The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
  • So I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
  • When I left home, my mum said: “Don’t forget to write.” I thought: “That’s unlikely – it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?”
  • Velcro… what a rip-off.
  • You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
  • I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
  • I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’
  • You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
  • You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.  He’s a catholic converter.
  • So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase and he went “T’PAU!”  I said, “Don’t you mean KAPOW?  He said, “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
  • I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
  • So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, “Analogue.”  I said, “No, just a watch.”
  • I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle?”  The bloke said, “Kenwood.” I said, “Where is he?”
  • So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
  • I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.  They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
  • I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…crematoriums.
  • I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.  I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
  • I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.  It was a bit choppy.
  • Did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it will give birth to a litter of Twiglets?
  • I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, ‘How many potatoes would you like Tim?’  I said, ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one, please.’ She said, ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’  ’All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
  • You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick.  Yes – I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
  • You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.  They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’  So that was nice.
  • So I went down my local ice cream shop, and said, ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’.  He said, ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said,  ’We’ll start with one.’  He said, ‘Knickerbocker glory?’  I said, ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’
  • Exit signs – they’re on the way out, aren’t they?
  • Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don’t they?  The one I was in went back and forwards.  I thought, ‘This is unusual.’  And the dentist said to me, ‘Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
  • So I rang up my local swimming baths.  I said, ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’  He said,  ’It depends where you’re calling from.’
  • I rang up a local building firm.  I said, ‘I want a skip outside my house.’  He said, ‘I’m not stopping you.’

 

Joke 999

17 Dec
Some funny No Parking signs

Some funny No Parking signs (Photo credit: Scoobyfoo)

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.  Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.  Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery nails.

“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I have to arrest you.”

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”

*

From ahajokes

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From the archive:

&

Funny Picture of Nun Religion

Funny Picture of Nun Religion (Photo credit: epSos.de)

You know you are addicted to your computer when… 

· All of your friends have an @ in their names.

· Your dog has its own home page.

· You can’t call your mother; she doesn’t have a modem.

· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

· You get a new suit that says, “This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher.”

· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.

· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

*

"Deep Thoughts" by Computer Services #4

“Deep Thoughts” by Computer Services #4 (Photo credit: Adam Melancon)

How to Write Good

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren’t necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don’t never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.

*

Elephant on the computer

Elephant on the computer (Photo credit: HikingArtist.com)

  1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  2. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  3. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  4. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  5. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  6. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
  7. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  9. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
  10. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute only to skydive twice.
  11. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
  12. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  13. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  14. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  15. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

Joke 998

16 Dec
Happy Pi Day

Happy Pi Day (Photo credit: Graela)

 

  • “Having a child is like getting a tattoo…on your face. You better be committed.” ~ Eat Pray Love screenplay
  • “Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage.” ~ Marcelene Cox
  • “Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” ~ Kally, age 9
  • “How is it that I can start the day as Mary Poppins, only to end the day as Cruella Deville?” ~ Mom’s the Word: Remixed (stage play)
  • “The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” ~ Lane Olinghouse
  • “The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed.” ~ Author Unknown
  • “Parents are not interested in justice; they are interested in quiet.” ~ Bill Cosby
  • “There are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can’t get it.” ~ Irena Chalmers
  • “If your baby is beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time, you’re the grandma.” ~ Theresa Bloomingdale
  • “Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.” ~ Bill Cosby
  • “Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” ~ Bobby, Age 8
  • “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” ~ Erma Bombeck
  • “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” ~ Bill Cosby
  • “If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says “keep away from children.” ~ Susan Savannah
  • “People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” ~ Leo Burke
  • “A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.” ~ Raymond Duncan
  • “Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.” ~ Fran Lebowitz, Social Studies
  • “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” ~ Bill CosbyLittle Girl on a Plane – Anonymous

From parentingtouchstones.com

From the archive:

early childhood education

early childhood education (Photo credit: Graela)

A jobbing actor comes home to find his house has burned down.  His sobbing, injured wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang.  It was your agent.  Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire.  It went up so quickly.  Everything is gone; we’ve lost everything!  I nearly didn’t make it out of the house.  The poor cat is—”

“Wait, wait!  Back up a minute,” the actor says. “My agent called?”

*

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

Poker face.

Only fish should have scales

Only fish should have scales (Photo credit: Graela)

THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.

11. “Play-Doh” and “microwave” should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Thanks to scot and buffy and one of the kids f...

Thanks to scot and buffy and one of the kids for inspiration (Photo credit: Graela)

 

Joke 997

15 Dec

During a commercial airline flight a Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “Gosh, that’s a good looking baby…and he sure was hungry!”

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.

The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “Damn! And all these years I’ve been chewing gum.”

 

*

From strategypage.com

From the archive:

*

School reports: the 15 best school reports submitted to the Telegraph letters page

  • He has an overdeveloped unawareness.
  • This boy does not need a Scripture teacher. He needs a missionary.
  • About as energetic as an absentee miner.
  • Unlike the poor, Graham is seldom with us.
  • The improvement in his handwriting has revealed his inability to spell.
  • For this pupil all ages are dark.
  • The tropical forests are safe when John enters the woodwork room, for his projects are small and progress is slow.
  • Henry Ford once said history is bunk. Yours most certainly is.
  • Would be lazy but for absence.
  • At least his education hasn’t gone to his head.
  • He has given me a new definition of stoicism: he grins and I bear it.
  • The stick and carrot must be very much in evidence before this particular donkey decides to exert itself.
  • French is a foreign language to Fowler.
  • Rugby: Hobbs has useful speed when he runs in the right direction.
  • Give him the job and he will finish the tools.

*

A man goes to the vet with his goldfish.  “It keeps having fits,” he tells the vet.

The vet examines it then says, “It looks okay to me.”

The man replies, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”

*

I used to go out with a girl who worked at a petrol station.

When she dumped me, I couldn’t drive past her work place without filling up.

*

An invisible man married an invisible woman.

Their kids are nothing to look at.

*

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Why it’s good to be a man:

* You don’t have to change your last name.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You can never be pregnant.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original colour.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* You can do Christmas shopping for thirty relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

demotivational poster DEAR AGONY AUNT

Joke 996

14 Dec

Some not particularly funny jokes about Facebook:

  • Did you hear about the website where you can find a collection of Twitter’s best jokes?  It’s called Facebook.
  • When I was kid, my social network was called “outside”.
  • When FaceBook, MySpace and Twitter merge into one super social networking company what will it be called?  “My Twit Face.”

From jokes4us.com

Some so-so Facebook statuses:

  • My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
  • The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
  • I am wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome :p
  • I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
  • I love in horror movies how the person yells out “hello?!” as if the killer is gonna say “yeah I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?”

From blog.thoughtpick.com

Some late night jokes about Facebook:

  • “It’s an interesting new feature. Soon you’ll be able to find anything you want on Facebook, except for the thousands of hours of your life you lost going on Facebook.” – Jimmy Kimmel
  • “Some people use Facebook to check up on ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. That just seems creepy to me. I like it the old-fashioned way. If you want to check up on an ex, go through their trash.” – Craig Ferguson
  • “Mark Zuckerberg got married. Their reception was annoying, though. Right when everyone got used to the seating arrangement, Zuckerberg changed the layout for no reason.” – Jimmy Fallon
  • “As of Friday you’ll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who’s ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, ‘Now there’s a sound investment.’” – Conan O’Brien
  • “This week investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It’s great — now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.” – Jimmy Fallon
  • “There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops.” – Jimmy Fallon
  • “Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work.” – Jay Leno

From politicalhumourabout.com

From the archive:

*

The Hub was explaining to me last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

I said, ‘I’d like to come back as a cow.’

He said, ‘You’re obviously not listening.’

*

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

*

I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently, “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

*

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

*

Velcro – what a rip-off.

*

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job?

She couldn’t control her pupils.

 

Joke 995

13 Dec

Thanks to Bluebee for the cartoon.  The jokes are from an email doing the rounds.

  • The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
  • My cooking is so bad that we pray AFTER we eat.
  • A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
  • Some doting parents are son worshipers.
  • Did Cleopatra believe in ghosts?  No, she was in denial.
  • MANDATE: Two guys watching sports.
  • I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

From the archive:

*

Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning.  Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mabel answered, “I have? A suppository?”  She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing.  Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

laundry towel

A frigate was sailing the seven seas when a pirate ship came over the horizon.

The captain said, “Cabin boy, get me my red shirt.”

The cabin boy brought the captain his red shirt, he wore it in battle and they defeated the pirates.

Several days later, another pirate ship was spotted off the port bow.

“Cabin boy,” said the captain, “get me my red shirt.”

They fight the pirates and are victorious again.

Once things have settled down, the cabin boy asks, “Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just before battle?”

“In case I am inflicted with a wound.  I don’t want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit,” replied the captain. 

“I see,” said the cabin boy.

Some days later, a fleet of ten pirate ships was seen making straight for them.

“Cabin boy,” the captain calls out, “bring me my brown pants.”

Joke 994

12 Dec

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

*

From ajokeaday.com

Photo

From the archive…apologies: there were so many good ones in March of this year, I’ve gone a bit overboard today.  I cried at how many I had to leave out.

*

  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Remember: half the people you know are below average.
  • There are TWO secrets to success at Poker: Rule #1: Never tell your secrets.

Photo

  • She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.    Bob Hope
  • Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.    Mark Twain
  • I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.    Will Rogers

Sign in front of church

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

A Jailhouse Rock

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.  As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

The  girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

Funny Signs or Pictures 09

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.  After explaining the commandment to ‘honour thy Father and thy Mother’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

One little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

GrammarlyonFB

Q: What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?

A: Abominable.  
(Say it out loud, slowly) 
*
*

A robber burst into a bank, pointed his guns at the teller and said, ’Give me all your money, or you’ll be geography!’

The teller replied, ‘I think you mean ‘history’.’

The robber answered, ‘Don’t change the subject.’

Funny Signs or Pictures 07

I’ve Got A Date

11 Dec
English: 19th century cartoon of a rabid dog i...

English: 19th century cartoon of a rabid dog in a London street (Photo credit: Wikipedia) This has nothing to do with dates but I couldn’t find a free cartoon on the subject so I went with rabies instead.

With a dentist at the hospital today so I wasn’t going to blog; but my good friend Dave (a statistician and therefore number geek upon whom I can rely in these matters) informs me that at some point – well, at an actual point – today it will be 11/12/13 14:15.

In its honour, I will schedule this post for 2:15.

Happy Number Day!

*

Dave and I really have too much time on our hands, don’t we?*

*I wish.

*

As  I was writing this, Tory Boy informed me that today is the last sequential date of this century.  

Can that be right?  Dave?

 

Joke 993

11 Dec
Planking on top of my cubicle at the office #p...

Planking on top of my cubicle at the office #planking #newsfromthecube (Photo credit: slworking2)

An ambitious I.T. manager finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life.  However, a hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said, “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he said, “I didn’t know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you.”
“It’s only me,” she said, “and the rowing boat didn’t wash up, nothing did.”

He was confused. “Then how did you get the boat?”

“Oh, simple,” replied the woman.  “I made the rowing boat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree.”

“But…but, that’s impossible,” stuttered the man, “you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman.  “On the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that,” she said. “Where do you live?”

Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

“Well, let’s row over to my place, then” she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”

“No, no thank you” he said, still dazed, “can’t take any more coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a ‘still’. How about a Pina Colada?”

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?   There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he mused, “what next?”

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines – strategically positioned – and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, “we’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months? You know… ” She stared into his eyes.

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  “You mean…?” he replied, “I can check my e-mail from here?”

*

From yachtpals.com

From the archive:

*

My wife has been missing for a week now.

Police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get her clothes back.

*

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid…I was petrified.

*

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.  It was tense.

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after twenty-five years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, since the politician was delayed, the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

‘I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.’

Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived, full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation.

‘I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,’ said the politician. ‘In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.’

Joke 992

10 Dec

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.  The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the birds’ beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck.”

*

Thanks to Granny1947 for this one.

From the archive:

*

My husband uses a kitchen implement to shred garlic and parmesan cheese, both of which I hate.

It really is the grater of two evils.

Five Tips For Women

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.

Three couples were having tea one day.  The conversation was somewhat desultory so one of the men, trying to get a laugh, said to his wife, “Pass the honey, honey!”  The others laughed.

A moment later, the second man said, “Pass the sugar, sugar!” This got a bigger laugh, so the third man decided to join in the fun.

He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, “Pass the tea, bag!”

Joke 991

9 Dec
Map of Bournemouth Beach and Poole Bay, Dorset

Map of Bournemouth Beach and Poole Bay, Dorset (Photo credit: Alwyn Ladell)

-My wife went on a sailing course in Poole

-In Dorset?

-Yes, she’d recommend it to anyone.

*

From ybw.com

From the archive:

If Men Ruled the World…

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the bum and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really drunk last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

Tanks would be easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

“Cops” would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops.

The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle.”

Two men walk into a building.

You’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

There was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test which would determine which of the equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates were two men and one woman. The agents administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, “We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The man, shocked, said, “You can’t be serious! I could never kill my wife.” The CIA agent said, “Well, then, you’re obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home.”

They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA agent the gun, saying, “I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn’t do it.” The CIA man said, “Well, then, you’re obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home.”

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, “We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.” The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA agents heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

Joke 990

8 Dec

From an email doing the rounds:

  • Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.   Dave Barry
  • In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.   Dereke Bruce
  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.   Nora Ephron
  • Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.   Robert A. Heinlein
  • Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.   Gene Hill
  • To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.   Aldous Huxley
  • There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.   Ben Williams
  • Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.   Unknown
  • Cats were once worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.   Unknown
  • Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.   Jeff Valdez
  • Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to.   Joe Gores
  • I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.   August Strindberg
  • In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.   English Proverb
  • If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.   Alfred North Whitehead
  • My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.    Joe Weinstein
  • Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.   Unknown
  • A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.   Mark Twain
  • Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to you.   Mary Bly
  • The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.   Warren Bennis
Bucket-headed dog

Bucket-headed dog (Photo credit: Paul Kidd)

From the archive:

*

An old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, “Sir, would you address this postcard for me?”

The young man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

The old man thought a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you add, ‘Please excuse the sloppy handwriting’?”

*

I just got back from a statistical probability conference.  It was average.

*

I told my friend about the creative writing class I took, and she said that she had a simile experience.

*

Three old ladies, sisters, died and arrived at the pearly gates, where St Peter greeted them.

“You have led virtuous lives, without sin;  but then you have never been in the way of temptation.  So you can come in but you must look after the ducks.”  They were taken to a huge hangar where the floor was covered with ducks of all ages, and warned that they would be punished if they killed or damaged a single duck.

Sure enough, one old lady tripped, stood on a duck and killed it.  As a punishment, she was handcuffed to the smelliest, ugliest, wartiest old man for eternity. One month later, another old lady stood on a duck and she was similarly punished.  A few weeks later, the third old lady was handcuffed to a handsome young Adonis, the answer to all her secret desires.

“What have I done to deserve this?”  she asks.

“I don’t know, ” said the young man; “but I stood on a duck.”

dog

dog (Photo credit: davidyuweb)

Joke 989

7 Dec

A Beagle dropped the Kindle he was biting and said to the Boxer,

“Go ahead take it. Call me old fashioned but I still prefer a real book.”

*

A sign of the times:

I swore at the judge and he downloaded the eBook at me.

*

Kindle: A popular eBook reader.

Nook: Where you hide your Kindle from your kids.

*

From klerosier.com

That was SO funny!!

That was SO funny!! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

More from the archive:

*

The barn at Larry and Susan’s farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.

Susan: “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.”

Agent: “Wait just a minute, Susan…it doesn’t work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”

Susan, after a pause: “I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

*

A man took his dog to the vet. 

“My dog is cross-eyed; is there anything you can do for him?” he asked.

“Well,” said the vet, “let’s take a look at him.”  He picked the dog up and examined his eyes, then checked his teeth.  Finally he said, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What?” asked the distraught man.  “Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No,” replied the vet, “because he’s really heavy.”

*

Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says to them, “Get out. We don’t serve your type in here.”

*

OLD IS WHEN…
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘ Pick one; I can’t do both.’

*

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit.

bank charges ATM cash machine cartoon funny DS...

bank charges ATM cash machine cartoon funny DSCN9568 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

 

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