Tag Archives: Maltesers

One Part Prompt/Two Parts Silly

28 May

 

Click on the image for source

If you were one part human, two parts something else — another animal, a plant, an inanimate object — what would the other two parts be?

Before I started my weight loss programme (not a diet; I don’t do diets), I was one part human/two parts Maltesers.  Now, I am mostly one part human/two parts hungry.

The Hub says I am one part human/two parts vampire i.e. sucked the life right out of him.

Scratch that, he didn’t say anything of the sort.  But he did offer to slice me open to find out.  Consider me one part grateful/two parts terrified.

*

Here’s a prompt response I found in my drafts folder:

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT! What’s your favorite way to spend Saturday night?

A movie, a large packet of cheese & onion crisps and a glass or three of JC Le Roux’s La Chanson.

I’m writing this post at seven-thirty on Saturday night, in bed with a hot water bottle.  No, the Hub is not giving me the cold shoulder because I was mean about him one too many times (like there’s a limit…); I sneezed today and put out my back.  The power of snot.

Talking of my favourite wine, Number One Son bought me a bottle for Mother’s Day.  Then helped me drink it.

Now he’s Number Two Son.

*

Think about an object, an activity, or a cultural phenomenon you really don’t like. Now write a post (tongue in cheek or not — your call!) about why it’s the best thing ever.

Writing responses to WordPress prompts is the best thing ever because it allows me to make fun of the most off-the-wall people on the planet.

No, really.  They are as much fun as dieting.

*

Your local electronics store has just started selling time machines, anywhere doors, and invisibility helmets. You can only afford one. Which of these do you buy, and why?

I think I’d buy the invisibility helmet.  I like the idea of walking around scaring people when they see a headless body.

And think of how much weight loss that adds to my non-diet…  No one can call me fathead any more!

*

The friendly, English-speaking extraterrestrial you run into outside your house is asking you to recommend the one book, movie, or song that explains what humans are all about. What do you pick?

Of course, it would be an alien that spoke to my headless body, wouldn’t it? Because it wouldn’t know I was weird.

And the book – as you regular readers must surely know – would have to be Ender’s Game, in which we earthlings kick some alien butt.

Damn aliens, coming over here and stealing all our humanity.

*

When you do something scary or stressful — bungee jumping, public speaking, etc. — do you prefer to be surrounded by friends or by strangers? Why?

I prefer to be safe in my bedroom, not jumping off or on to platforms, thank you very much.

You are all welcome to crowd in, of course; but I get the window side of the bed.

*

You’ve been given the superpower to change one law of nature. How do you use it?

Crisps and Maltesers would be one of my five-a-day.

Do you not know me at all, WordPress?

*

What’s the one guilty pleasure you have that’s so good, you no longer feel guilty about it?

Tormenting WordPress Prompters.

Oh, and breaking wind…there’s no smell, now I eat properly.

What?  Nobody comes here for the dainty English refinement – you know that, right?

Tuesday Tattle

24 Sep
222/365: Droodle glass

222/365: Droodle glass (Photo credit: add1sun)

2013 has been a great year in many ways, but I do seem to have had a lot of minor ailments.   As someone who hardly ever gets sick except for the occasional cold, I am beginning to feel irritated with myself.

Or I would, if I didn’t feel so unwell.  It’s a sore throat, congestion and queasiness today.  Nothing a two-hour afternoon nap and a shout at the Hub can’t cure, I’m sure.

Maltesers bucket

Maltesers bucket (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Thank you to those of you who have sent jokes in exchange for the hope of a box of Maltesers.  There’s still plenty of time to email them to thelaughinghousewife@gmail.com.  I’m looking for a good ‘un for Joke 1001.

***

I signed up for another creative writing class which began last night at the local high school.  It must be my fourth in as many years.  They are a great stimulus to writing, a way to make friends (you can never have enough friends; especially when you have a birthday coming up), and jolly good fun, too.  

However, I forgot that we have to do fiction writing and I don’t like fiction writing, except about my life (you didn’t really think the Hub was happily married, did you?).  I have to create a character for next week and even I can see he’s cliché-ridden and a bit of jerk (sorry; I was daydreaming about…no, I’m not going there: it’s my birthday next week and I want him to be speaking to me).

Todays doodlegirl brought to you by generous d...

Todays doodlegirl brought to you by generous dontations from Al Literate, Cade Ants, and Rye Mann (Photo credit: Graela)

In an effort to stave off the worst of this bug and lose weight at the same time, I have overdosed on Vitamin C today (too much Vitamin C acts as a natural laxative, apparently).

I had lemon juice in hot water but it tasted salty.  Does anyone know why?

I do hope it’s not that the dishwasher isn’t rinsing properly.

On the other hand, that would explain my general germiness.

King Germ

King Germ (Photo credit: eat more toast)

 

900 Days

9 Sep

Today is the 900th day of my 101 tasks in a 1001 days challenge.

I have told 900 jokes.  More than 900, probably, because some days the jokes are so bad I tell a few more in the hope of getting one weak but elongated laugh instead of a brief but definite chuckle, or – nirvana – a huge belly laugh.

Notifies people of a joke. (SVG version)

Notifies people of a joke. (SVG version) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have to tell 101 more jokes to meet my challenge.  That’s 101 days or fourteen weeks and a few days or three and a half months and a bit days or a quarter of a year or a whole lot of hysteria because I want my last joke to be a laugh-out-loud-so-hard-you-pee-a-little joke so that I finish with a flourish.

I have yet to find one, despite having had 900 days so far in which to search.  That’s where you come in.

You knew when you started reading this post there was going to be work in it for you, didn’t you?  But I just sucked you right in, anyway.  Here’s my request: I need clean, funny jokes.  Send them to me.

I know that’s more like an order than a request, but the stress is getting to me. Sorry.  I can’t be funny and do all of the research and eat Maltesers instead of real food (I’m on a diet), now can I?

Speaking of which, the joke that is posted on the Last Day of the Challenge will earn a box of Maltesers.  I will post to anywhere in the world.

Maltesers in a tray.

Maltesers in a tray. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Please don’t let it be like last time, when I awarded a box for the best Christmas joke and I had to post it all the way to…Scotland (nae offence intended, Wee Scoops).  I want a funny joke from a foreigner; or from a non-foreigner residing in a foreign land. Somewhere overseas; and that doesn’t mean the Isle of Wight.

Local readers are, of course, encouraged to send jokes as well.  It’s not that I don’t value you; it’s that I want to see the Hub’s face when he has to pay postage to the other side of the world (are you listening, Australia?).  That would be a Christmas present worthy of the name.   I reiterate – no rude jokes (are you listening, Australia?).

If you have a joke for me, please email it to thelaughinghousewife@gmail.com. Please.  No, really.  I want a laugh-out-loud-I-didn’t-expect-the-punchline-my-ribs-hurt kind of joke.  I won’t part with my Maltesers for anything less.  

I mean it.  You know these hips don’t lie.

More Prompts

18 Nov

Tell us about something you’ve done that you would advise a friend never to do.

Malteser First Aid Recovery Position

Malteser First Aid Recovery Position (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I once asked you for a Malteser.

I would advise you never to return the ask.

*

What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?

That people who don’t often laugh, would come here and laugh at me.

I’ve already started with my family.  They laugh at me all the time.

*

Go back in time to an event you think could have played out differently for you. Let alternate history have its moment: tell us what could, would or should have happened?

DID:  I asked a friend for a Malteser.  She laughed, then quaked (for obvious reasons).  Then she gave me one.

SHOULD:  I asked a friend for a Malteser.  She gave me the whole packet and a voucher for more.

*

Invent a holiday! Explain how and why everyone should celebrate.

Belly Laugh Day.

Everyone is required by law to watch funny DVDs and tell jokes and amusing stories.

Anyone noncompliant will be tickled by banana skins wearing feather dusters. Whether it is the banana skins or the noncompliants who wear the feather dusters is up to you.

*

Write a letter to your 14-year-old self. Tomorrow, write a letter to yourself in 20 years.

We’ve done something similar before but, okay, here goes.  I’m nothing if not compliant:

Dear Tilly,

N.

Love Tilly.

PS Eat less.

*

Dear Tilly,

T.

Love Tilly.

PS I told you you should eat less. 

 

It’s All Facebook’s Fault

7 Oct
Bad Mood Today?

Bad Mood Today? (Photo credit: Frank Wuestefeld)

I wrote this on Facebook yesterday:

Writing workshop this morning; eldest son home this afternoon; Dr Who tonight. Can this day get any better?!!

(Without the italics, of course; Facebook seems to be averse to correct punctuation.  I don’t understand that(.

My friend posted this reply:

Workshop – awesome. Your son visiting – epic. Dr Who – not on until Christmas. Gutted :-(

I was gutted, too.  She compensated by:

  1. Giving me a gift of cute post-it notes – so that I could write cute love notes to the Hub, because we ‘like that sort of thing.’  She doesn’t know me very well.  I got the present so that my ‘birthday week doesn’t have to end yet.’  She knows me so well.  She also gave me a box of Maltesers.  I think I love her.
  2. Giving me a lift to the workshop, which was forty miles away.   Thank goodness I had the sense to book her on it when I booked my place.

I’d forgotten that British TV now does that stupid season break thing.  America, I love you, but what’s with that?  Why can’t your TV shows act in a civilised manner and air until they are finished?  Lucky for you I’ve got extra Maltesers and I wrote nine poems yesterday, or I’d be a tad grumpy.

Now I am grumpy – what an irritating word ‘tad’ is.  I can’t believe I used it.

Time for a quick Malteser fix, I think.

Malteser

Malteser (Photo credit: Olaf_S)

…peel off the chocolate…allow the malt to tease my taste buds…swig of Earl Grey…aaahh!  My universe has righted itself.

That was the moment Hub chose to break it to me that eldest son was not coming home yesterday (I hadn’t noticed, being high on chocolate and poetry).

Someone pass me a dictionary; my mood is a tad violent….

Weekly Photo Challenge: Mine

1 Oct

Plus the box on my bedside table and the empty one in the recycling bin.  

Don’t tell me I’m not predictable.

Or environmentally friendly.

M Is For Many Things

12 Sep
Maltesers

Maltesers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

M was, of course, for Maltesers, as most of my many musers managed to mention in the comments.

There were some other submissions:

  • M&Ms.  A majority of my readers are from across the mighty Atlantic so this was the most popular suggestion.  Meh, as my eldest son might say – a meagre replacement for the greatest sweet (candy) to ever live.
  • Malted Milk Balls: the imitation – almost a mockery – of my magnificent Maltesers.  Meh meh.
  • Meals.  An assumption that makes sense, given my interminable meanderings on foods I most adore – Maltesers, mainly.
  • Motherhood.  Well, yes, maybe I like being a mum; but do I like being a mum as much as I like Maltesers?  It’s a moot point.
  • Muffins.  Mojitos.  Marzipan.  Idiosyncratic Eye knows me well enough to remain with the food theme.  However… Marzipan – yuck yuck yuck!  Mojitos – got an impression it’s booze, so IE doesn’t know me that well yet.  Muffins – good choice.  But English or American…?
  • Money.  Not something I crave, unless it’s to pay for the Maltesers I’ve amassed.
  • Aquatom was right: M’s for many of ‘em.  Yes, Tom; I did see what you did there.  Consider me cheesy grinning.
  • Patti suggested it was so easy, I should write another post.  Here it be, Patti.
  • Marabou chocolate was sent to me by comment link.  Many compliments to my new best mate, Viveka, who knows a request for a bribe when she hears one.
  • Commiserations to my ex-best mate, Viveka, who made the mistake of imagining I wouldn’t want to receive many more Maltesers than I presently have stashed in my store room.
  • More congratulations go to Slip Martin (my son’s name for him), who magnificently monitored over many of my posts that there was only one word in the English language that started with M…MALTESERS.  A man of discernment.
Maltesers in a tray.

Maltesers in a tray. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Summary: Mention Maltesers and my mood is one of amiable harmony and merriment; and you will be gifted with the honorarium of an over-emmed post.

Many thanks for making me smile.

And drool.

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Welcome to the Great White North....

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