Edward Lear, the 19th Century landscape artist, once wrote of a favourite duchess who gave magnificent dinner parties, attended by the highest society.
One night whilst entertaining, she let out a huge fart and quickly focused her gaze on Hawkins the Butler, standing behind her.
“Hawkins!” she cried, “Stop that!”
“Certainly, Your Grace,” Hawkins replied with dignity, “Which way did it go?”
Jokes from the archive:
What sound do toddler owls make?
Somebody’s just thrown a massive lump of cheese at me!
I thought to myself, that’s not very mature.
At a wedding reception recently someone yelled, “All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
My mate’s wife left him last Thursday; she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back.
I asked him how he was coping and he said, “Not bad, I’ve been using that powdered stuff.”
Coffee flowchart at the office (Photo credit: supercooper)
A couple argue about who should make the coffee in the morning.
Wife: I think you should do it because you get up first.
Husband: The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.
Wife: No way. You should do it. The Bible even says so.
She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and points to the appropriate section: “Hebrews”
funny pictures (Photo credit: Philippe Lin)
Marriage Proposal Cartoon (Photo credit: Mr. Daniel Ted Feliciano)
A man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
Marital Blitz (1959) … Top Tracks for Rod Stewart …item 1c.. Maggie May …item 2.. How to keep your marriage vibrant after many years. (December 16, 2012 / 3 Tevet 5773) … (Photo credit: marsmet546)
“Honey,” says a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess. I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
Portrait of a Lady (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, ”Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch, and gold Rolex.”
“But you’re not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”
Never, ever, think outside the box (Photo credit: Mrs eNil)
A man looks at his wife of 25 years and says, “Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV; but I got to sleep with a hot 25 year-old blonde every night. Now we have a $300,000.00 house, a $50,000.00 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV; but I am sleeping with a 50 year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”
The wife, being a reasonable woman, said, “Go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde…and I will make sure that you, once again, will be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”
From Jokes Monday
Enemy Engaged 2 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiancee, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he’ll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.
That night, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.
At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, ‘OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?’
Without hesitation his mother replies, ‘The one in the middle.’
The young man is astounded. ‘How in the world did you figure it out?’
‘Easy,’ she says. ‘I don’t like her.’
Checking my Daily Prompt folder, I discovered I have 224 prompts to answer. I thought I’d better make a start.
The Hub and I celebrated his 21st birthday in our second home. We had been married four months and still had our figures:
My love for the Hub was fleeting. It lasted as long as the time it took to develop this photograph:
WPC: The World Through My Eyes
I see the world through eyes that are still this young:
We have always been companionable, so long as I tell him what to do and he does it:
In return, I have to wear a green headdress at all times.
Here’s a foreshadowing of our relationship:
WPC: An Unusual Point Of View
Here’s an unusual point of view – the Hub is telling me what to do:
Don’t worry: it was only which section of the paper I could have. Natural order was soon restored:
3 9 09 Bearman Cartoon City Council Job copy (Photo credit: Bearman2007)
I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say “Will”, “You” and “Me”.
That will keep her busy while I watch football on TV.
A couple enjoy a Saturday night drink. Suddenly the wife says, ‘I love you.’
Her surprised husband asks, ‘Is that you or the wine talking?’
She replies, ‘This is me, talking to the wine.’
Kids say the funniest things
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
- You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10
- No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
- No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
- You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT IS TURNING SOUR?
- I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
- When they’re rich. Pam, age 7
- The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. Curt, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
- Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10
Thanks to Grannymar for pointing me in the direction of dailynewsdig, where you can read more.
4 – 1878 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. And Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.5 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7
Thanks to Charlie at readbetweentheminds for this one.
Today is my 28th wedding anniversary.
Our wedding anniversary, I should say.
Nelson Mandela served twenty-seven years and he got a Nobel Peace Prize. Me? I got an extra year, a card, and the most loving husband on the planet.
If you don’t believe me, ask my recent escapee, Janet.
Janet of Janet’s Notebook came to visit this week, for five days, with her son, Ben. They wore me out but we had a great time. You will be reading about our adventures over the next week or so, when I’ve recovered, but if you can’t wait until then, here are some of her posts about our time together:
Granny Liu: On accents
Who is that dog walker?: On dogs
The north south divide: On the phone
Laughter and love: On being soppy
I know how much you love me so don’t think she’s having fun at my expense (she is, but not maliciously), though I have to admit, it’s a weird sensation to be the butt instead of the butter of the joke.
However, I had great fun learning about another blogger and her quirks. And of my own. Janet made me wonder how the Hub has put up with me all of these years.
Now for the next twenty-eight. Gulp.
Love you, my darling. But please don’t tell anyone, it ruins my image.
Happy anniversary xx
A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
The Hub has often tried to escape from me:
This is the result:
He tried to pay me off:
Trouble is, the party his generosity paid for lead to this:
And, consequently, this:
Face it, Hub: there’s no escaping me: