Joke 443

Math Fun (Photo credit: *Kitto)

Thanks to Elaine at I Used To Be Indecisive for these two.

 

 

Did you hear about the explosion in the pie factory?

3.141592 people were injured.

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There are 10 kinds of mathematicians.

Those who can think binarily and those who can’t.

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I’m Being Stupid; Join Me

Image via Wikipedia

Several comments on the last post have left the impression that you are not keen on maths blogs.  You are missing the point: I am not trying to educate you.  I am following the centuries-old Code of the Stupid and making fun of what I don’t understand.

Don’t feel intimidated: be a bully, like me.  Mock the intelligent and feel better about yourself.  After all, what use is maths to we wordsmiths, except as a useful dispute with our friends over the pond, who call it math?

Idiots of the blogosphere, unite!  We have nothing to lose but our credibility!

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Joke 188

This comes from Michelle in South Africa, who is almost single-handedly keeping me supplied in funnies.

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?  We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help  you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And

B-U-L-L-S-H-!-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullsh!t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

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This one’s for Tory Boy.  He knows why.

Joke 115

The Evolution Of Math

1950:
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?

1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?

1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money.  The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1.  Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M.  The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set MC?

1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living?  In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1995 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

1998 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its foreign subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?

11.5.11

I’ve said all I can think of to say on the number eleven, so what about the number five?

• It is Spud’s favourite number (What?  You didn’t think this was going to be a serious exposition, did you?).  We – and he – didn’t know why it was his favourite number until a couple of months ago, when I dug out some of his baby teddies and there was a horse, stuffed and blinkered (See no evil?  A peg on the nose would have been better in a cot, don’t you think?  Smell no evil…).  With a massive number 5 on the toy horse blanket.  The brain is weird (but you knew that, regular visitor).
• 5 is the third prime number.  I thought it would be the fifth prime number, if I thought about it at all, but the Hub said to just leave the maths to him in future and not worry my pretty little head about it.  How can a head be pretty?  Face, yes (blush – my earlier post on the meaning of my name refers); hair, maybe (Dani Minogue, step forward)…but head?  It’s just as well the Hub does my thinking for me, because that one hurts.
• 5ive were a successful British boy band.  Now they’re all grown up and doing their own thing.  I saw them in a reality show before they were famous, living in the house next door to the family in the show.  I remember them because they were naughty boys, not a bit like
• The Famous Five.  Ginger beer, anyone?  I’ve lashings!  Number 17, Five Get Into A Fix, was my favourite; mostly because I’d never heard of a three-tiered bunk bed before, and wanted to sleep in one.  Perhaps I should add that to my Things To Do Before I Die list.  See me at 103 – it’d take several hours to get up the ladder.  And what if I needed a wee in the night?  Pity the poor Hub sleeping below me…
• There is a 1951 movie called Five.  The world is destroyed in a nuclear holocaust. Only five Americans survive…dum dum dum dahhhh!  According to IMDb, all of life is represented there: including a pregnant woman, a neo-Nazi, a black man and a bank clerk.  Yes, I know that’s only four, but there has to be some mystery.

That’s five disparate facts about five.  I think I’ll stop there.  Except to share this:

Under British law, when you reach
the age of five –

• you become `of compulsory school
  age’,
• you can see a U or PG category
  film at a cinema,
• you have to pay child’s fare on
  trains,
• you can drink alcohol in private,
  for example at home.

I’m off now: next door’s toddler and I plan to spend the afternoon getting drunk. 

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You know, maybe that last one isn’t as crazy as I think it is: my spellchecker just substituted ‘toddies’ for ‘teddies’…