Tag Archives: Mothers

Joke 757

19 Apr
early childhood education

early childhood education (Photo credit: Graela)

Things Mom Would Never Say

  • “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
  • “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
  • “Just leave all the lights on…it makes the house look more cheery.”
  • “Let me smell that shirt…Yeah, it’s good for another week.”
  • “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”
  • “Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
  • “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
  • “I don’t have a tissue with me…just use your sleeve.”
  • “Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.”

From ahajokes.

Mother hysteria: The curious case of the caught nipple

22 Feb

Reblogged from Sarsm's Blog:

Reini's evening started something like this:

His one and only son called him at work and announced, "There's been an accident... In the kitchen... With the mixing machine... And Mum..."

I should probably admit to you, at this point, that we have recently been playing rather a lot of Cluedo.

◊◊◊

I've just risen out of a calming bath (despite at least two children being in the room at any one time, babbling) and looking down at my naked body I can see a few tell-tale signs of the week gone by.

Read more… 1,249 more words

If you like to laugh, then you're going to love this true story...

Water, Water Everywhere

30 Dec

If there were a real Fountain of Youth, would you drink the water?

English: Bottled water fills an aisle in a sup...

Bottled water fills an aisle in a supermarket (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No.  One should drink bottled water in foreign climes, or risk the two bob bits.

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You’re having a nightmare, and have to choose between three doors. Pick one, and tell us about what you find on the other side.

A WordPress Prompter holding a glass of foreign water with my name on it.

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What’s your ideal Saturday morning?

Filling up plastic bottles with our good Manchester tap water.

Are you doing those things this morning?

No.

Why not?

It’s Sunday.

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Write a letter to your mom. Tell her something you’ve always wanted to say, but haven’t been able to. 

Dear Mum,

I hope you are comfortable as a pile of ash in a wooden box in the ground in Widnes.

I told you not to drink the water.

Love, Tilly x

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What is your worst quality?

Using my dead mother as a comedy prop.

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Tell us about a time when you had to choose between two options, and you picked the unpopular choice.

I could have chosen not to use my beloved dead mother as a comedy prop for a WordPress prompt post, but I just couldn’t help myself.

I am my dead father’s daughter.

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If you were asked to spend a year living in a different location, where would you choose? 

In the States, under an assumed name after I was hounded out of Britain by outraged mothers who mistook my affectionate ribbing of my mother for a disrespectful poke.

Why the States?

They sell bottled water.

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Tip-Sliding Away

5 Dec

Think of a time you let something slide, only for it to eat away at you later. Tell us how you’d fix it today. 

neg scanned (69)

It wasn’t so much a sliding as a tipping.

It was 1991.  Tory Boy was about ten months old.

My younger brother was staying with us in our Johannesburg flat.  The Hub, Little Brother, Tory Boy and I decided to walk to the nearby SPAR to pick up a few bits.

The Hub pushed his beautiful baby boy in his beautiful bright-blue-for-a-boy pram.  We got about twenty yards from the building’s entrance when a wheel of the pram caught on the gravel and Tory Boy tipped right out, face first into the ground.

I swear it was nervous laughter on my part.

My brother laughed because I laughed (I’m very infectious).  The Hub wrestled with the pram, swooped up Baby and yelled at me the terrible mother who laughed when her baby fell face-first into gravel, all at the same time.

My response (I swear it was nervous laughter on my part) has always eaten away at me.  Mostly because every time Tory Boy brings it up the Hub glares at me and refuses to believe that it was nervous laughter on my part.  Tory Boy doesn’t actually remember the incident but the story impressed him first time he heard it and he likes to remind me of it.  Often.  At least once every time he comes home, as if I don’t have enough guilt just bearing the title, ‘Mother’.  I wouldn’t mind, but he doesn’t even have any scarring from the facial gravel indents.

To fix it, I’d have to have a do-over.  Next time, they can go shopping without me.

 

Joke 601

14 Nov
Mamá

Mamá (Photo credit: RebelCallejeros)

This one’s from plannedparrothood.

Four successful brothers chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

Milton said, “You know I had a big house built for Mama.” 

Michael said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”

Marvin said, “And I had a large theatre built in the house.”

Melvin said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read any more because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

The other brothers were impressed.

After the celebration, Mama sent out her “Thank You” notes.

She wrote:

“Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”

“Michael, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”

“Marvin, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much.”

Weekly Photo Challenge: Free Spirit

5 Sep

 

My Mum was a free spirit.  She smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish.  I am not at all like her, except in looks.  I drink like a chimney and smoke like a fish.

I made albums for people to read through after her funeral.

My Mum had a child out of wedlock.  Though a Catholic girl in the Fifties, she never once felt ashamed of her beautiful boy.  I had my first child a definite five years after my wedding.

Mum joined the Army as a teenager; she was stationed in London.  She didn’t much like it and went AWOL with a friend, running home to Nan in Liverpool. Nan gave them food, bath and beds, then took them to the police station next morning, where they gave themselves up.  The Army was lenient.

We provided plenty of free spirits for her mourners. It’s what she would have wanted.

Mum loved working and hated that I loved being a stay-at-home Mum.  We disagreed a lot, about a lot of things.  Except that we loved each other.  I always knew I could count on her.

I don’t know the half of what she got up to in her life, though I have learned a bit since she died.  I am too strait-laced to share what I do know (I make rulers look like elastic bands) but, trust me: she was a free spirit.  I miss her every day.

One of the times she’d have approved of me, if she’d been there.

 

Joke 523

28 Aug

 

How Could You Do This To Me, Mum?

How Could You Do This To Me, Mum? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is from an email doing the rounds.  A group of primary school children were asked a series of questions.  Here are some of their answers.

Why did God make mothers?

1. She’s the only one who knows where the sellotape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?

1. We’re related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s mums like me.

3. He must have been tired that day.

What kind of a little girl was your mum?

1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.

2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least 1 million a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mum marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mum didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such an idiot.

2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between mums and dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but mums have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.

4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don’t have spare time.

2. She pays bills all day long.

3. She reads the paper all day.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?

1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. Her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

3. I like her when she’s fat.

If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.

2. I’d make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it, not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

 

O Christmas Tree

18 Dec

O Christmas Tree
O Christmas Tree
How overloaded
Are thy branches?

I make no apology for my complete and utter lack of taste when it comes to decorating my tree.  Every ornament is a happy memory.

Tory Boy added to them by buying four new ornaments, one to represent each of us.  Who knew that the way to a mother’s heart was through a wooden soldier?

Joke 218

28 Oct

Thanks to Pseu for this one.

A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with four mothers. “You all have obsessions.”

To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating and even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom. “Your obsession is with money; that’s why you named your child Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom. “Your obsession is alcohol and you named your child Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”

I Should Just Not Talk To My Children (via Sarsm’s Blog)

31 Aug

This is the first time I have ever re-blogged a post, as I usually like to hear the sound of my own voice over everyone else’s; but Sarah’s post was so funny, I had to share it.

Akasha has just drawn a princess and a castle. She proudly guided me through her drawing. The princess is wearing a lovely crown and has her legs inside her dress. The castle has lots of windows. The one above her head looks like a heart so I asked her if it’s a heart-shaped window. She informed me that the princess has fallen in love. (She’s a right romantic, yesterday she told me that her favourite moment during the Wild West Show was when the … Read More

via Sarsm’s Blog

Joke 152

23 Aug

A police recruit was taking an exam.

Question: What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?

Answer: Call for backup.

Joke 144

15 Aug

I wouldn’t say I was a bad cook but my family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire alarm.

Weakly Photo Challenge: Colour

30 Jul

The link is rather tenuous this week but I’ve been busy as you know, and the smell of the paste has gone straight to my cororabaral ceetext.

Spud’s room is done, decorated.  I’m rather proud of myself.  It went well, apart from one little glitch.  You know how I said it would be blue and white…?  Look at this photo and tell me if you think this paper is white or not:

Exactly.  It is white.  It is also the underside.  This is the topside, a sort of silvery bronze:

NEXT apparently roll their papers with the underside out and the topside in; but they didn’t bother telling me.  I tell you, I was this close to pasting that £140 roll of wall paper on the patterned side, but the Hub slapped me around with the paste brush until I saw sense.  Instead, Spud now has a feature wall.

You should have seen my earlier post by now, with all the photos of Spud’s room.  I had intended to insert them into this post but I can’t find the gallery feature in WordPress and it takes so long to arrange them between the text that I could have decorated another room in the time I spend fiddling.  I will have more photos for you once the room is properly arranged.

My decorating skills are not great, coming as they do with an attitude of slap it on and stick it up, but my spirit makes up in willingness what it lacks in ability.  The point is, Spud loves his new room.  And that’s what it’s all about.

Here’s The Post (Eventually)

6 Jul
Coat of arms of Moldavian SSR (1990-1991), tod...

Image via Wikipedia

It’s drafty in here – 31 draft posts, to be precise.  Trolling through them for tomorrow’s joke, I came across this one that I forgot to publish:

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Do a post about your favorite posts from last month. Go take a look at everything you published in May. Pick the top 5 posts you liked the most, and put them together into a post for today, with commentary on what you’ve learned about those topics since then.

This took a while: May 2011 was my most prolific month – 91 posts.  How do you manage to keep up with the reading?  If you’ve got any sense you’ll just click ‘Like’ and move on.*

*I don’t mean it.  Stay.  Read.  Visit a while.  Comment.  Tell your friends about me.  All of them.

My Name Is Tilly And I Am A Mother

25 Jun

I have two sentences for Six Word Saturday

I’m always proud of my children.

I don’t understand parents who aren’t.

I am not indiscriminate in my pride; merely doting.  I don’t get those parents who don’t feel the need to share all the doings of their kids and how wonderful they are.  My kids are wonderful; let me tell you about them.

They are polite, decent, friendly young men.   They work hard; they are considerate and helpful.  They do their best.

This week’s inspiration came from Tory Boy’s aforementioned involvement in organising a big event (and it’s not his first); and the news that Spud has won a Headmaster’s Award for being an all-round good egg i.e. a nice human being (and it’s not his first).

So don’t mind me sharing this time (and it’s not my first) that I’m proud of my kids.  Because I am, and I don’t care who knows it.

Grannymar

Life is a story

V A S T L Y C U R I O U S

SHOW ME THE WORLD!!

God's Creatures

the life of animals

David Gaughran

Let's Get Digital

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