Weekly Photo Challenge: Escape

The Hub has often tried to escape from me:

This is the result:

He tried to pay me off:

Trouble is, the party his generosity paid for lead to this:

And, consequently, this:

Face it, Hub: there’s no escaping me:

Six Down; Eighty-Seven To Go

I’m a little behind in answering the daily prompts – about 93 prompts behind, if I’m honest.  So here goes:

At noon today, take a pause in what you’re doing or thinking about. Make a note of it, and write a post about it later.

12:00  Mmm, lunch!

12:02:  Mmm, lunch was delicious!

Hot dog eating a hot dog (Photo credit: interpunct)

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Head to your favorite online news source. Pick an article with a headline that grabs you. Now, write a short story based on the article. 

From Sky News:  Cannibalism Confirmed At Early US Settlements

Summary: Jamestown residents eat 14 year-old girl after difficult winter.

We’ve had a difficult winter, haven’t we Spud?

Mmm…lunch…

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What role does music play in your life?

It often accompanies lunch.

But what it really wants to do is direct.

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Read the story of Richard Parker and Tom Dudley.  [Shipwrecked sailors dine on dying cabin boy] Is what Dudley did defensible? What would you have done?

I plead the Fifth.  I will say, however, that if I had been there, which I quite possibly was because the report says Tilly succeeded in obtaining bail, that I’d have been cleared on the grounds that it would drive any Tilly insane to have to go for more than four hours without food.

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Invent a definition for the word “flangiprop,” then use the word in a post. 

 Flangiprop: 

An open, tartlike pastry, 

the shell of which is baked 

in a bottomless band of metal

on a baking sheet, 

removed from the ring 

and filled with custard, cream, fruit, etc.  

It has a gelatinous base.

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Mmm, dessert was delicious!

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Reincarnation: do you believe in it?

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Not at all.

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Though I did in a previous life.

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Talk, Task & Just Too Weird

[victorian child care] (Photo credit: RHiNO NEAL)

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A conversation after the zugzwang of yesterday’s post:

Me [puzzled and a little distressed]: I wrote a really lovely post for Tory Boy’s birthday.  It was supposed to be funny, but it was nice instead.

Hub [genuinely sympathetic]: Aw, never mind, sweetie.

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Less words… (Photo credit: shtikl)

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Today is the last day of my 26 words in 26 posts challenge.  

I succeeded!

If by ‘succeeded’ I mean, ‘Didn’t include joke posts and there was one day when I forgot to include a new word.’

I hope you enjoyed learning 26 new words and their meanings which, if you are anything like me, you will immediately have forgotten.

To refresh your memory, here are the last three words of the challenge:

Xu: an aluminum* coin of Vietnam, the 100th part of a dong.

*aluminium, if you speak English.

Ylem: the original substance of the universe from which all matter is said to be derived.  So that’s where babies come from…

Zugzwang: a position in which one player can move only with loss or severe disadvantage i.e. there’s no getting around it – yesterday’s post was bad for my image.

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E-collar (Photo credit: sean94110)

Today’s WordPress prompt:

In the DC comics universe, a planet called “Htrae” (“Earth” spelled backwards) is populated with bizarre versions of superheroes. A Seinfeld episode made the idea of this Bizarro World popular, where the characters encountered their opposite selves.

Craft a scene in which you meet an opposite version of yourself — or a story in a bizarre, backwards world.

Welcome, welcome, Laughing Housewife, to our WordPress Prompters’ office. We love your responses to our prompts and enjoy the way you poke fun at us, without mercy or regard for your blog’s safety.

Thank you, Dear WordPress Prompter, I replied; I came to inform you, however, that I regret my past arrows through your hearts and have decided to cease tormenting yo…

I’m sorry, dear readers: some worlds are so bizarre that my head explodes even thinking about it.

 

Prompters, Panic & Sharpened Pencils

I’ve watched through his eyes, I’ve listened through his ears, and I tell you he’s the one.

I hope you don’t mind another prompt post.  I had  42 prompts sitting in my inbox, begging to be answered.

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Take the first sentence from your favorite book and make it the first sentence of your post.

I don’t think you thought this through, dear prompter: the first line of this post bears no relation to the rest of the post; shouldn’t you have instructed me to carry on the story?  As it is, all I have is a confused reader and a line from Ender’s Game – being made into a movie at last, at last, at last! 

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What’s the most surreal experience you’ve ever had?

Front garden of the Big Breakfast house (Photo credit: Ben Sutherland)

Meeting a pretend stripper and a pretend gangster on The Big Breakfast.

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Now that you’ve got some blogging experience under your belt, re-write your very first post.

The original post:

[I didn't know how to use the colour icon back then]

I’ve just had my teenage son sort me out with my own blog; now I have to hope
1. I can think of something interesting to write and
2. I can get some people to read it.

Mission Statement: to be amusing (mission: impossible)

Welcome, new reader;  I hope you enjoy this as much as I expect to.

Now for the official bit: you can’t reproduce anything on this site without my permission; it all belongs to me…nnnhhhaahhhaaahhaaaaa! (Wicked laughter, not a raspberry)

The re-written post:

I swear I’m funny; please like me.

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Tell us about a teacher who had a real impact on your life, either for the better or the worse. How is your life different today because of him or her?

Mr Lever marked down my English essay because I used the word ‘amoral’, which he said did not exist.  I looked it up in the Oxford Dictionary.  It did and does exist.  I did not have the courage to prove my point.

I now have a compulsive obsession to make fun of WordPress prompters who make grammar and punctuation errors* and if they dare misspell a word…well, let’s just say it’s not pretty.

*Should that be ‘grammatical and punctuational errors’?  I’ve lost my Cassell Guide To Common Errors In English so I can’t check.

GrammarlyonFB (Photo credit: tengrrl)

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You’re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe what’s in the room.

An angry WordPress prompter with a grammar handbook in one hand and a well-sharpened pencil in the other.  I suspect they suffer from dacnomania, brought on by pedantic bloggers and evil dentists.

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Honestly evaluate the way you respond to crisis situations. Are you happy with the way you react?

•  If it’s a bomb threat, I have no problem speaking quietly to the store manager and calling for an orderly evacuation.
• If the building is on fire when I am seven months’ pregnant, I have no problem ensuring all students have been evacuated from the classrooms before evacuating myself.
• Ahem.  I mean, I have no problem ensuring all students have been evacuated from the classrooms before I leave the building in an orderly if somewhat clumsy fashion.
• If the door is locked and there’s an angry prompter with a sharpened pencil, I have no problem screaming as I scratch at the window in a  futile attempt to avoid being…well, let’s just say it’s not pretty.

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I’m pleased to see you had no trouble spotting yesterday’s word, cunctation (procrastination; delay).  I hope my use of it didn’t put you off.

 

 

 

Dinner With My Text

Tilly (Photo credit: Digitalorthodoxy) Not a picture of me but isn’t she cute?

Write about what you did last weekend as though you’re a music critic reviewing a new album.

Tilly Bud has been silent for three weeks but on Sunday she finally went back to church.

How we wish she hadn’t.  She still has real pitch issues and half way through ‘Nearer My God To Thee,’ she nearly was because the congregation couldn’t take much more.  Fortunately, the inspired coughing fit from an under-used voice box that livened up the second chorus saved the day.

We waited almost a month for Tilly’s reappearance, which begs the question: why?  It’s Bye-bye! not Buy!  Buy!

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Describe the most satisfying meal you’ve ever eaten in glorious detail. 

I don’t think I’ve eaten in that restaurant.

I would never patronise an establishment that uses only lower case letters in its name.

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If you could un-invent something, what would it be? Discuss why, potential repercussions, or a possible alternative.

telephone (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

Text speak.

Why?  If you don’t know, you must be a teenager.

Potential repercussions - my boys would never talk to me again. By mouth or phone.

Possible alternative - the actual words.

I’m guilty of cunctation in answering this prompt because I suspect I’m in a minority.  I don’t believe in the purity of language – it lives and grows and changes and that’s fine; but I don’t want to witness the return of near-illiteracy.   A balance must be struck: evrtng n moderation.

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Write an ode to someone or something you love. Bonus points for poetry!

Double bonus points for adding a tune?

Sing this to I Like Big Butts by Sir Mix-A-Lot.  Don’t look up the actual lyrics because this is a family blog.

I love real words and I cannot lie!
You other bloggers can’t deny
When a kid sends you an itty-bitty text
You wanna throw it in his face
You get rung
Wanna get real tough
Cuz you can’t tell him to get stuffed
In text speak into the jeans he’s wearing
I’m cross and I can’t stop swearing
Oh my boy I wanna throttle that
Fone you always carry
My husband tried 2 warn me
dat dat fone U got
mAk me so angry
U sA U wanna git n my hands
I won’t buy U cuz I ain’t yor avg nd usr

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I found a great site for those of you who would like to be able to understand the texts your children and grandchildren send to you: Transl8it!  

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Well-spotted, those of you who identified ‘bleb’ as yesterday’s word.  

It is a small blister, rather like me on a rant.

 

 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Lost In The Details

Spud is sick again.  He’s had one bug after another since Christmas, but he hasn’t missed one day of school.  Fortunately, he had the worst bug during half term, when he barely got out of bed.

It’s his play this week.  You may remember he’s playing Prospero in The Tempest.  For those who don’t do Shakespeare, it’s the lead and he bears a huge responsibility.

He hasn’t missed one rehearsal.  With weekend rehearsals he hasn’t had one day off in over two weeks.  He is currently dosed up on anti-cold medicines and vitamin C, determined not to let anyone down.

We have always stressed to our children that if they take on a commitment, they must stick it out.  He’s doing that.

What gets lost in the details, however, is that he’s a seventeen-year old boy and he’s doing this for fun.  I wonder how much fun he’s having, taking his homework along to do in today’s dress rehearsal lunch break?

I am never embarrassed to boast about my children; and today, I even have reason.

I’m proud of you, Spud.  That will never get lost in the details.  It’s a brave new world that has people such as you in it.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Beyond (2)

As one cannot wear a velour track suit without looking scruffy, even when one’s velour track suit is brand new; and one cannot help but look triple-chinned when one’s Hub takes a standing photo of one whilst sitting, I think one’s caving to your demands for a photo takes one above and beyond the call of blogging duty, hence one’s use of formal language to distance oneself from – or get beyond, if you will – a very unflattering photograph.

Really, dear readers, insisting on photographs to back up photographic prompt posts is beyond the pale.  One might even call it madness.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Beyond

The Daily Post sent out this prompt on January 18th.  I’m getting faster at responding!

There is no photograph to illustrate it, for reasons that will become apparent.

The Hub bought me a velour track suit today.  It is so comfortable, I think he should buy me another.

Save yourselves – I am beyond help.

Only Six?

Many of us think of our lives as boringly normal, while others live the high life. Take a step back, and take a look at your life as an outsider might. Now, tell us at least six unique, exciting, or just plain odd things about yourself.

Odd Facts from Modern Wonder Magazine 1939 (Photo credit: Smabs Sputzer)

• I can curl my tongue and my toes at the same time
• I can tap dance
• I cannot blow my nose in public or while wearing glasses
• I have been on telly several times
• I can read upside down
• I cannot tell a joke without forgetting the punchline
• At one time or another, I have boycotted every supermarket in which I could afford to shop
• If you mispronounce a word in my presence, I will not hear anything you say after that
• I have dual nationality
• I alphabetize CDs and DVDs; books are filed in size order
• I cannot drink coffee, or kiss anyone who has it on their breath
• I advocate organ donation as the ultimate form of recycling
• I have a loud and irritating laugh
• I have had my present phone about two years and I still cannot switch it on without help
• I am shy and easily embarrassed (not unique but probably surprising to regular readers)
• I don’t understand people who don’t vote
• I am short with large feet, rather like a hobbit (I dress like one, too)
• Stray apostrophes set my teeth on edge
• I once had a one-act play staged at the Everyman Theatre in Liverpool
• I like to trot that last one out at every opportunity
• My definition of ‘unique, exciting, or just plain odd’ is surprisingly dull

 

Free, Tree And Dead Again Me

When you were 16, what did you think your life would look like?

M (James Bond) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Like I was a successful actress.

Does it look like that?

No.

Is that a good thing?

It is what it is.  I never had the courage to pursue it so I have nobody to blame but myself.  Regrets are useless so I don’t have any.  What I do have is a happy marriage and two gorgeous sons.  I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

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If you could choose to be a master (or mistress) of any skill in the world, which skill would you pick?

Cooking, so I could hang on to this perfect family I am slowly poisoning.

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“It’s never a good idea to discuss religion or politics with people you don’t really know.” Agree or disagree?

Well, dear WordPress prompter, I’d rather not say because I don’t really know you.

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Write your own eulogy.

Tilly’s death at the hands of irritated WordPress prompters was sudden but inevitable.  She never knew when to quit and they didn’t like her pointing out that she had recently had to write her own obituary and was it personal on their part or had they become FreudPress prompters?

Also, she knew her way around a box of Maltesers, but not a kitchen.

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Blue Bee (Photo credit: bob in swamp)

Most of us have heard the saying, “That’s the best thing since sliced bread!” What do you think is actually the best thing since sliced bread?

The internet.  How else would I have discovered a bunch of people around the world willing to send me stuff out of the blue?

Speaking of which, thank you for the book, Bee Blue.  I’d kiss you but I know how you feel about that.

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Go to the nearest window. Look out for a full minute. Write about what you saw.

A tree.

That’s it.  It’s bigger than our house and blocks the view to everything…no, wait: something’s behind it.  Is that a WordPress prompter with a stick of dynamite in her mask…?

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Describe your relationship with your phone. Is it your lifeline, a buzzing nuisance, or something in between?

I’m sure that once I discover how to turn it on, we’ll be the best of friends.

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A genie has granted your wish to build your perfect space for reading and writing. What’s it like?

Actor portraying blue Genie character in Disney’s Aladdin stage show (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s like Robin Williams. Since Aladdin, they all are.

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You have to learn a new skill. Do you prefer to read about it, watch someone else do it, hear someone describe it, or try it yourself?

Why do I need to learn a new skill?  I have my own personal genie.

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Write about anything you’d like. Somewhere in your post, include the sentence, “I heard the car door slam, and immediately looked a the clock.”

I was reading this post when I heard the car door slam, and immediately looked at the clock.  I knew it was the Grammar Police, come to take away the WordPress prompter who had one too few ‘t’s in his at.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Renewal

This challenge was issued in November of last year, so I’m a little behind. Actually, the Hub says I’m a big behind, but he phrases it another way.

Blame the last nasty bug/Christmas/visitors/the dogs/the Hub/the kids/an overflowing inbox/the latest nasty bug for my tardiness.  Whatever.

The latest nasty bug keeps morphing into something else and, if I ignore having to type this in the bathroom, I think I’m pretty much over it now.

I am not so over it that I feel like taking my own photographs, however, so I will see what Zemanta has to offer.  

I am no longer a sick woman, much.  I am renewed.  I went from looking like this:

Multifari – human view (Photo credit: 0olong)

To feeling like this:

Ack! Thpppt!!! (Photo credit: JD Hancock)

And in a day or two I hope to feel like this:

Sunshine (Photo credit: sarah 30 is still around, just workin)

Watch this space.

 

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda…Can’t

WordPress is playing silly beggars again

I’m frustrated and I’m snotty and that’s not a good combination.  Prepare for a grumpy post.

Last week, I didn’t visit your blogs because I was unwell.

This week, I won’t visit your blogs because WordPress is unwell.  Every time I click your links, whether in my email inbox, blog roll, from your comments, or even my own previews, I get a 502 or 504 message: basically, we’re not letting you in in WordPress-speak.  It took many hours yesterday to comment on about twenty blogs.  

Woes of a Literal Marketer: Link Bait (Photo credit: HubSpot)

I’m getting 400-600 spam comments in my spam box every day and my stats have gone down quite dramatically (for those of you who remember the chart, that’s Brit-speak for ‘way more than I like and if it carries on I’m giving the whole thing up for good’, not Rest-of-the-world-speak for ‘dropped a little dramatically but not more than I can handle’).

I wonder if the spam thing is related to the stats thing, because they happened around the same time; or is it just coincidence?

If you’re not getting comments from me on many of your posts, it’s WordPress’s

Peter Steiner’s cartoon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

fault.  I’m sorry, I can’t do anything about it.

One of last week’s prompts was: Tell us about something you know you should do . . . but don’t.  It was entitled, Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda.

I shoulda stopped blogging before I thumped my laptop and I woulda stopped blogging if I coulda, because my perfect blood pressure caused by my even temper is about to be a thing of the past, but I can’t because they sucked me in with their ridiculous prompts and their world-wide network of people who say nice things in the comments section.  They’ve sucked me in so deep I may never get out.

I’m going to kick the Hub now, because we don’t have a cat.

For less irritable Six Word Saturdays, go here.

 

Daily Prompt: All About Me

All about me are full of coughs, colds and headaches.  I’b goid the same way.  

Poster encouraging citizens to “Consult your Physician” for treatment of the common cold (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Expect the occasional terror to crepe into my tie pin.

You no WHatI’m all about hat the moment?  Self-pity.  At list thAt way I get a party.

Sea you on the other side.

The Horse Babbler

A message for new readers: every couple of days, I take a random selection of Daily Post prompts and attempt to answer them in a serious manner.

horse (Photo credit: possan)

Link to an item in the news you’ve been thinking about lately, and write the op-ed you’d like to see published on the topic.

Horsemeat Found In Frozen Burgers

Op Ed:

Stop complaining!  The French are laughing at us.

Besides, you never really believed there was any actual meat in processed burgers, did you?  This is a step up.

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What’s the best piece of advice you’ve given someone that you failed to take yourself?

NEVER make fun of the WordPress prompters; they know your host.

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Open your nearest book to page 82. Take the third full sentence on the page, and work it into a post somehow.

The third full sentence in the book nearest to me is taken from Grace Nichols’ Everybody Got A Gift:

poop po-doop
poop-poop po-doop
poop po-doop
poop-poop po-doop

She has such a way with words.

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Winner of the Silly Face Contest (Photo credit: Linda Hartman.)

Write about your strongest memory of heart-pounding, belly-twisting nervousness: what caused the adrenaline? Was it justified? How did you respond?

A WordPress prompter got into the lift with me one day.  Given my relentless tormenting of the evil creature, I was terrified. Fortunately, however, I was thinking about Grace Nichol’s sublime poetry at the time, so I had an idea how to distract him…

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Some people eat to live, while others live to eat. What about you? How far would you travel for the best meal of your life?

As far as a horse could take me.

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What is your earliest memory? Describe it in detail, and tell us why you think that experience was the one to stick with you.

I remember carefree days on an English farm with my mother.  It sticks in my memory because I was suddenly, cruelly separated from her and put to work driving cabs in London, even though I was still young.  I did eventually retire happily to the country but along the way, I met with many hardships, much cruelty and some kindness.

Oh, wait…that was Black Beauty.

My first memory was of reading a rather sad book.  I forget what it was called.

Feeling Bolshy Today

English: A sense of humour Someone has a sense of humour leaving this for his family to read. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Set a timer for ten minutes. Open a new post. Start the timer, and start writing. When the timer goes off, publish. 

You know what?  I don’t think I will.  What ya gonna do about it WordPress? Huh?  Huh?

As if I would ever publish anything – gasp!  I can hardly bring myself to say it, never mind do it – unedited!

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Write down the first words that comes to mind when we say . . .

. . . home.

. . . soil.

. . . rain.

Use those words in the title of your post.

Bolshy home/feeling soil/rain today.

Okay, not really – I got the title from the first prompt.

Let’s try again:

Hometalk (Mango Groove again)/soil your pants/rain fall.

This post’s new title: Talk: Your Pants Fall*

Smiling can imply a sense of humour and a state of amusement, as in this painting of Falstaff by Eduard von Grützner. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Think about the last time you broke a rule (a big one, not just ripping the tags off your pillows). Were you burned, or did things turn out for the best?

…Thinks…thinks…No, thank goodness…yes…erm, oops…I’m a good girl, I am, I’ve never done anything I could go to jail for…I think…just how big a rule are we talking here, anyway?

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Was there a special gift or toy you wanted as a child but never received? What was it?

Not that I can recall; my parents were pretty good at steering Father Christmas in the right direction.

I did go to visit my aunty one week after Christmas.  Her three girls got multiple Estée Lauder gift sets, which rather impressed me.  I’d have liked that sort of thing.

And yet, here I am: make-upless; perfumeless; must-remember-to-shower-todaylestmymanleavesme, but my husband of twenty-seven years still loves me.

Go figure.

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Tell us about the role that faith plays in your life — or doesn’t.

I have faith that my husband will still love me even if I don’t wear make-up or shower today.

I have faith that my readers will mostly come back even if I write a not particularly funny post.

And I have faith in God, who gave me a sense of humour.  And a husband who doesn’t believe in Him.  I guess God has a sense of humour, too.

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Write your obituary. 

She was incredibly beautiful, intelligent, slim and kind.  What she lacked in modesty, she made up in humour.

At the funeral, people from around the world who had mortgaged their homes to be there, sobbed at this great loss to blogkind.  The eulogy was three days long.

Her alleged killers, a group of WordPress prompters, currently on trial for Conspiracy to Deprive the Blogging World of its Greatest Humorist, Assault With a Deadly Computer Programme and for Just Having No Funny Bone to Speak Of, pleaded Innocent on the Grounds of She Was Driving Us Nuts With Her Incessant Fun-Poking at Our Carefully-Worded Prompts.

English: Graffiti tag plus a sense of humour Dull tag but nice sub-text. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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If you had to choose between being able to write a blog (but not read others’) and being able to read others’ blogs (but not write your own), which would you pick? Why?

Well now you’re just being silly.