Why do humans smell the flowers, but not each other?
When we get to heaven, can we sit on the couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the “Chrysler Beagle”?
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
More meatballs, less spaghetti.
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
I will not eat the cats’ food before they can eat it.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
The litter box is not a cookie jar.
The sofa is not a face towel.
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello.”
I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house — not after.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.
I read from Police Inspector about this warm-hearted video clip. The video is absolutely brilliant, filled with British humour. Apparently, Greater Manchester Police's job is not just policing or catching murderers. They do a Gangnam Style -- involving police vans, police on bike, sexy dinner ladies, a panda and a zombie like figure.
I must say this is the sweetest Gangham Style parody.
Breakfast Theory: A Morning Methodology (Photo credit: askpang)
When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.
“IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN” I didn’t look up the original reference.
“WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS” An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
“THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY” The other results didn’t make any sense.
“TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN” This is the prettiest graph.
“THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT” I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
“IN MY EXPERIENCE” Once.
“IN CASE AFTER CASE” Twice.
“IN A SERIES OF CASES” Thrice.
“IT IS BELIEVED THAT” I think.
“IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT” A couple of others think so, too.
“CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE” Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
“ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS” Rumour has it.
“A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS” A really wild guess.
“A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA” Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
“IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS” I don’t understand it…and I never will.
“AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES” They don’t understand it either.
“A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY” A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
“IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD” I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.
Kulula airplane funny at Lanseria Airport (Photo credit: Meraj Chhaya)
Female Radar Controller: “Can I turn you on at 7 miles?” Airline Captain: “Madam, you can try.”
*
Tower: “Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open.” Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): “Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door.” Tower: “Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff.” Captain: “Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX.” Tower, during the takeoff roll: “Airline XXX, ahh … it appears that your APU is leaking luggage…”
*
The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft. The furious ground controller screamed: “[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on ‘Charlie’ taxiway; you turned right on ‘Delta’. Stop right there!” Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: “You’ve screwed everything up. It’ll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don’t move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?” The frequency went very quiet until an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
*
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: “American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.”
Tower: “Eastern 702, contact Departure on 124.7.”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure…by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for take-off; did you copy the report from Eastern?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”
*
O’Hare Approach Control: “United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker F-27, one o’clock, 3 miles, eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got that Fokker in sight.”
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
“This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”
“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!”
The question was once asked, How long do you think you could go without a shower?
I would answer, It depends on the shower.
En la ducha xD (Photo credit: Little Phoenix ♥)
Bathroom Shower: I went for weeks without a shower while the bathroom was re-fitted. I can go at least every other day now it’s back; it’s not like I ever get dirty cleaning the house, is it? I could move to Antarctica: on base there, you are only allowed to take two, two-minute showers a week.
April showers: I can manage from May to March without breaking a sweat.
Meteor showers: I’d like to see one, but from a distance; so I would have to say ‘indefinitely’.
Showers of blessings: I’d like them all the time.
Cold showers: Too tired to ever need one.
My family (usually referred to scornfully by me as ‘that shower!’): Not at all; somebody has to go out for the Maltesers.
Napoleon once wrote to Mrs Napoleon, ‘I’ll be home in a week – don’t bathe till I get there.’ That’s my kind of man.
Some more bathing quotes:
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. Erma Bombeck
Noble deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression. Dodie Smith, I Capture the Castle
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers and/or Rodney Dangerfield
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats. Woody Allen
Last Wednesday, I stupidly dropped my iPhone in the bath, and my life has sort of spiraled almost out of control. Patrick Stewart
And finally, here’s a little something I came across that I think most of you will enjoy. It has nothing to do with our theme, except that the purists among you might feel the need to take a shower when it’s done.
I am a little fat. I like food; what can I say? I have dull hair: mousey. I don’t wear much make-up and have no need of a dressing table. If I look like a bag lady, I chose my own clothes. If I look nice, the Hub picked them for me. Despite all this, I am a little vain. This photograph is from 2003. I had to go back that far to find one of me that I liked. But I don’t really care: my husband still thinks I’m beautiful and if he doesn’t, he loves me enough to lie about it. I’m lucky. I have two boys. They never lie to me. Still, you can't have everything.
Today is National Poetry Day. I was going to bring you some fun and interesting facts about poetry, but you know what? There aren’t any. Not on the internet, anyway. Poetry is dull. By the way, remember to check out my poetry blog, I’m Not A Verse. * * * * * I did find […]
Viewfromtheside offered fascinating as the weekend theme. I thought you might like some fascinating facts. Can you guess which, if any, are true? You can’t fold paper more than seven times. You can, actually, if you are young and determined and rope in your family and a shopping mall. From Wikipedia: In January 2002, while a […]
With apologies to Paul, who might not find this blog to be quite what he was expecting. Take a look at this You Tube video. This – boy? young man? lad? What do I call him? He’s of a similar age to Tory Boy but obviously we are not on similar terms. I’ll call him ‘person’ […]
I have long been in search of the perfect handbag. It must be black; have a short and long handle, so that I can carry it down, under my arm, over my shoulder or over my chest; it must not be so big that I carry a load of junk around with me that I […]
I have the funniest readers in the blogosphere (not necessarily ha ha…)