Tag Archives: You Tube

A Treat For Doctor Who Fans

28 Feb

It’s about four years late but I’ve only just seen it.

Enjoy!

Prompts About Prompts

19 Feb

Tell us about the time you threw down the gauntlet and drew the proverbial line in the sand by giving someone an ultimatum. If you’ve never handed out an ultimatum but secretly wanted to, describe the scene and what you would say to put an end (one way or another) to an untenable situation.

Really, WordPress!  Enough is enough!  Stop mixing your metaphors and going on for three pages to get to the point (that’s my job).  Give me better prompts or I stop blogging!

*

Imagine yourself at the end of your life. What sort of legacy will you leave? Describe the lasting effect you want to have on the world, after you’re gone.

She was the sort of woman who never followed through on an ultimatum. Consequently, WordPress walked all over her.  However, she knew when her time was up, so she played The Last Post on her last post.  She might have been weak but she went out in style.

*

Describe the one decision in your life where you wish you could get a “do-over.” Tell us about the decision, and why you’d choose to take a different path this time around.

I don’t believe in regrets.  If we like who we are, we can’t regret how we got this way.

However, I am sorry I have a weakness for the WordPress Prompts.

Not.

*

If you were involved in a movie, would you rather be the director, the producer, or the lead performer? (Note: you can’t be the writer!).

None of the above.  I’d like to be the person just off set, with the script.  You know…the prompter.

*

We all know how to do something well — write a post that teaches readers how to do something you know and/or love to do.

  1. Sign up to The Daily Post.
  2. Check your email inbox each day.
  3. Start a new post.
  4. Choose a prompt from your Daily Post emails.
  5. Make fun of it.
  6. Thank your lucky stars that you have never been Freshly Pressed because flying under the radar means you can scoff at the prompts until the cows come home to mock your mixed metaphors.
  7. Bask in the adulation.

*

Look in the mirror. Does the person you see match the person you feel like on the inside?

No.  Without slicing myself from that funny little triangular bit at the base of the throat to the unmentionable in a family blog bit at the top of my legs, I can’t get my hands inside my body to rummage around feeling what I feel like.  I’d have to be a particularly skilled surgeon to do that.  And insane.

How much stock do you put in appearances?

A lot.  I have to wear a disguise because the WordPress Prompters have put out a hit on me.  Something about ‘norespectforourhardworkcomingupwithideas-
every
dayjustsoyoucanmakefunofus.’

*

Joke 969

17 Nov

More from the Two Ronnies.

  • In a packed programme tonight, I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for meditation, because he thinks it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.
  • And we’ll be talking to a car designer who’s crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame.
  • We had hoped to bring you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion.
  • The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister’s question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.
  • West Mersey Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.
  • Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred “Chuckles” Jenkins, Britain’s oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred’s jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.
  • There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London today, but it was put out before any serious good was done.
  • The Metropolitan Police today denied that prisoners in their custody are excessively pampered. This follows yesterday’s report that a man was hustled out of New Scotland Yard with an electric blanket over his head.
  • And we’ve just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.
  • In the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned. 
  • Solomon F. Potts, America’s most persistent practical joker, was buried today. He’s not dead, it’s just the neighbours getting their own back.
  • My wife and I had a bit of a fight, there was some high-spirited name calling, and I stormed upstairs to fetch my birth certificate.

From IMDb

 

Boring

27 Jul

Moving poems from folder to folder

The Hub is in bed because he’s unwell.

Spud is in bed because he’s a teenager.

I thought I’d take advantage of the peace and update my poem folders.  I had a list of roughly 1500 poems which needed to be categorised.  I did that with the hard copies months ago but never got around to updating it on the computer. The title of this post will tell you why.

I moved all the As last week; then the Bs to Rs.  I still have the Ss to Zs to move and I can’t put it off any longer.

Once that’s complete, I’ll avoid matching the hard copy folders to the computer folders for as long as I can, but it will have to be done eventually.

Wake me up before you leave.

Go here for more Six Word Saturdays.  I recommend that you do – they’ve got to be more interesting than this post.

 

Clip Art

3 Jul

Here’s a clip of Spud and the corpse corpsing on stage; listen for the thud as Tito’s head hits the bedstead.  

No tenors were hurt in the making of this film.

Joke 812

13 Jun

Time for some Groucho Marx.  You’ve probably heard them all but they are always worth sharing again.

  • No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
  • Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
  • Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
  • Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others.
  • A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
  • One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
  • Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
  • From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
  • My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
  • I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
  • I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
  • Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
  • I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
  • Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
  • Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
  • She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
  • I intend to live forever, or die trying.
  • I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

From brainyquote.

Lynn Noxin, This Post Is For You

12 Jun

Time to catch up on a few Daily Prompts.

Draft a post with three parts, each unrelated to the another, but create a common thread between them by including the same item — an object, a symbol, a place — in each part.

I went one better and did it in four parts, with four disparate questions:

  • Normal is as normal does
  • A review
  • World hunger eradicated
  • A party

The object: a friend.

*

Is being “normal” — whatever that means to you — a good thing, or a bad thing? Neither?

‘Normal.’  I’ve heard of it.  Can’t say I know what it’s like.

A true story: a friend and I were chatting.  I consider her a left-leaning hippy. She considers my a right-wing…well, let’s not use any swear words on a family blog, shall we?

We were chatting about the nature of eccentricity.  I asked her if she thought I was eccentric and she replied yes.  My face fell.

She asked me if I thought she was eccentric and I replied no.  Her face fell.

I was too polite to tell the truth.  I hope she was, too.

Normal is over-rated.  If I was normal, I’d have three followers and no five-day visits to and from complete strangers who become best friends.

*

Write a review of your life — or the life of someone close to you — as if it were a movie or a book.

I have a lovely friend who is a left-leaning hippy.  She moved away.  Pity.  Next to her, I look normal.

*

If you could get all the nutrition you needed in a day with a pill — no worrying about what to eat, no food preparation — would you do it?

This has to be the dumbest question yet.

Of course I would.  No cooking, ever?

Duh.

*

Plan the ultimate celebration for the person you’re closest to, and tell us about it. Where is it? Who’s there? What’s served? What happens?

I have this lovely, left-leaning hippy friend who promised to visit me last Easter. I’m still waiting.  I’m sure she’ll arrive soon, because I have a whole party prepared for her…my lounge; me; I’ve even prepared a delicious dinner of pill.

*

Britain’s Got Talent

9 Jun

We watched the final last night and believed there was a worthy winner, but we’d have been happy if any of four acts had won.

The Luminites were brilliant throughout the comp and we were astonished they weren’t in the top three:

Richard & Adam have gorgeous voices and were so professional when the viola player ran on stage to throw eggs at Simon Cowell, I thought at first it was part of the act and she was throwing stars into the audience:

Jack Carroll, only 14 and with Cerebral Palsy, is a brilliant comedian and must surely have a big future ahead of him:

And here’s my favourite performance from Attraction, the winners, though they were all good:

 

Joke 789

21 May

Questions Which Have No Answers

  • Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
  • Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
  • Why don’t we ever see this headline: “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a “Broker”?
  • Why isn’t there mouse flavoured cat food?
  • Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  • If flying is so safe, why does an airport have a terminal? 
  • If people from Poland are called ‘Poles’, why aren’t people from Holland called ‘Holes?’
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

From Will & Guy.

Joke 779

11 May

A Dog Asks

  • Why do humans smell the flowers, but not each other?
  • When we get to heaven, can we sit on the couch? Or is it still the same old story?
  • Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the “Chrysler Beagle”?
  • If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
  • We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
  • More meatballs, less spaghetti.
  • Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
  • When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

  1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they can eat it.
  2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
  3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.
  4. The sofa is not a face towel.
  5.  The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
  6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
  7. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello.”
  8. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.
  9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house — not after.
  10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
  11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
  12. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

From dogbreedinfo.

I Have Facebook Shares

6 May

Some recent Facebook posts which I want to share with you:

Photo: Yeah! Stop pestering him! *Pip

And this one, made especially for me by my friend Pam.  Thanks Pam!

 

Sweet Gangnam Style by Greater Manchester Police

30 Apr

I saw this in March and meant to reblog it then. Ah well; it’s a nice way to celebrate the end of April.

Joke 767

29 Apr

Some smelly old jokes for you.

  • What sea creatures always win in a fight?   Mussels.
  • What fish goes up the river at 100mph?   A motor pike.
  • How do you communicate with a fish?   You drop it a line.
  • 1st kipper: ‘Smoking’s bad for you.’   2nd kipper: ‘It’s OK, I’ve been cured.’
  • What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?   Skate.
  • Where are most fish found?   Between the head and the tail.
  • What do fish sing to each other?   Salmon Chanted ‘Evening’.
  • What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?   A flat fish.
  • What is purple, lives in the sea and weighs 5000 pounds?   Moby Plum.

Thanks to photosbykev for these jokes.

Joke 752

14 Apr

How To Translate Academic Jargon

Breakfast Theory: A Morning Methodology

Breakfast Theory: A Morning Methodology (Photo credit: askpang)

When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.

“IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN”
I didn’t look up the original reference.

“WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS”
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

“THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY”
The other results didn’t make any sense.

“TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN”
This is the prettiest graph.

“THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT”
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

“IN MY EXPERIENCE”
Once.

“IN CASE AFTER CASE”
Twice.

“IN A SERIES OF CASES”
Thrice.

“IT IS BELIEVED THAT”
I think.

“IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT”
A couple of others think so, too.

“CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE” 
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

“ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS”
Rumour has it.

“A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS”
A really wild guess.

“A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA”
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

“IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS”
I don’t understand it…and I never will.

“AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES”
They don’t understand it either.

“A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY”
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

“IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD”
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.

From Will & Guy

Joke 748

10 Apr

More from flyingjokes.

Kulula airplane funny at Lanseria Airport

Kulula airplane funny at Lanseria Airport (Photo credit: Meraj Chhaya)

Female Radar Controller: “Can I turn you on at 7 miles?”
Airline Captain: “Madam, you can try.”

*

Tower: “Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open.”
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): “Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door.”
Tower: “Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff.”
Captain: “Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX.”
Tower, during the takeoff roll: “Airline XXX, ahh … it appears that your APU is leaking luggage…”

*

The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft.  The furious ground controller screamed: “[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on ‘Charlie’ taxiway; you turned right on ‘Delta’. Stop right there!”  Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: “You’ve screwed everything up. It’ll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don’t move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?”
The frequency went very quiet until an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

*

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.

San Jose Tower: “American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.”

Tower: “Eastern 702, contact  Departure on 124.7.”

Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure…by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of  dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: “Continental  635, cleared for take-off; did you copy the report from Eastern?”

Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”

*

O’Hare Approach Control: “United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker F-27, one o’clock, 3 miles, eastbound.”

United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say  this… I’ve got that Fokker in sight.”

 

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