Archive | 18:09

If I Had My Own Reality TV Show…

30 Jan
How Clean Is Your House?

Image via Wikipedia

…as suggested by today’s WordPress prompt, I suspect it would be called The Loudest Family in Britain.   Or maybe Living With The Loudies.    Family Cries.  Loud And Loving It.  Threes Are Loud. 

The Tilly Bud family don’t talk; we yell.  How else can we force our opinions on each other?

Other options:

  • Maltesers & Mayhem
  • The Bachelor (when the Hub throws me out)
  • How Clean Is Your House?  Who Cares?
  • Trading Insults
  • Argumentation Argumentation
  • Stroppy And Loving It
  • Wife Swap (No!  Take Her For Free)
  • So You Think You Can Cook.  Hahahahahahaha!
  • Grumpy And The Big Tut
  • Meal Or No Meal
  • Who Wants To Marry My Dad (Now My Mum’s Thrown Him Out)? 
  • If No One’s Arguing, Everyone’s Dead

Knowing me as you now do, dear readers, I wonder if you can think of some more?

The Hub Is My Indispensable Technology

30 Jan

My first reaction to the latest WordPress prompt –What’s one piece of technology you can’t live without? – was, of course, The Internet; but then I thought about it.  Not deep thought, like, Where does it come from?  Why is it here?  Does it prove Intelligent Design?, but thought along the lines of, I can’t live without it; please don’t die on me again, Mr Internet (at the risk of sounding sexist, of course it’s male: hangs around the house annoying me and proving it knows everything – it’s the Hub in technological form).

My thought of the day led me to conclude that, actually, it’s the computer I can’t live without.  A world wide web isn’t much use if it doesn’t have a computer to be world wide on; and I need somewhere to store my Christmas shopping list.

But a computer is only as good as the moron who uses it, and I’m the moron for the job.  Remember the other day when I had a computer crisis and couldn’t do the thing?  You all sent me helpful tips that might as well have been in DOS for the trouble I had trying to follow your basic instructions.  Believe me when I say that I very much appreciated the proffered help, and to thank you I ate a box of Maltesers in the name of each of you; but I couldn’t fix the problem.  I knew I was going to have to ask the Hub for help, because that’s why I hang on to him; someone has to fix the computer. 

My need for it is such that I was prepared to brave his wrath the minute he got up (no point mentioning it before I had to and letting him have time to fester and think of good reasons why I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near anything more technologically advanced than a pencil). 

And guess what?  That whole turn-it-off-and-turn-it-on-again joke isn’t a joke at all; it’s sound technological advice: I turned the pc on just before he came into the room in order to have the evidence to prove my sin, and it had fixed itself.  I wouldn’t have known this if I hadn’t had the Hub on hand to fix it because I would have left it switched off forever, so, technically, just by being there, the Hub fixed it for me.

Then there’s my backache.  It’s caused by the computer chair, which is really a post-modernist – i.e. streamlined i.e. works without electricity and therefore has no wires – recliner.  The Hub bought it off eBay, thinking it was a luxury computer chair.  When he got it home and realised his mistake, he added castors.  It has done us for ages but it is too low and I am short (though not as short as I ought to be, you may remember) and I have to sit on the edge and strain to reach the keyboard and I have dreadful posture so I’m a sort of Hunchback of Notre Stockport with an aching waist and a permanent bad mood (not the fault of the chair or even the Hub; just my default setting).

As soon as I make the Hub aware of my problem he will fix it: he will source a real computer chair; or requisition Spud’s which is our old one; or add blocks to the top of the castors to raise the chair; or do something ingenious and – more importantly – inexpensive to save my back and keep me blogging and thus accessing the internet.

You see: all technological roads lead to home.  I can’t do without the Hub if I want to use the internet.  He is my technological necessity.  Ouch.  That hurts.  The biter bit.  He is my date; oh, base.  I’d like to keep him peripheral but it’s a hard drive.  It bugs me so much I’ve become a cursor.  I need to access my memory and find a ram.  Marriage – what a gig.

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