A Bargain Is Only A Bargain If Your Wife Is Still Speaking To You

8 Feb

Image by paulproteus via Flickr

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.  Anonymous.

The Hub came nearer to extinction yesterday than he has ever done.  Last week he cuddled me so hard I couldn’t move my arms as he said in a gentle tone, ‘Don’t be mad at me, darling.’  He didn’t say ‘darling’ out loud but I could tell he was thinking it.  ‘I have bought some printers.’

We need a new printer.  We won our present one in a competition about four years ago.  It’s smashing, but all printed out.  We don’t have the funds right now for a new one so we are propping it up with love and threats: ‘Work, dammit!  I’ll clean you, I promise.’

In fact, we need to replace a lot of our appliances: the toaster toasts only one side of the bread; the kettle is moody; the steamer is cracked and battered and leaking vegetables; my beloved George Forman died and was buried with full honours in the non-recyclable bin, those picky pick-up men refusing to take him when he was nestled with the tin cans and plastic bottles.  His offspring is George-lite and doesn’t have George’s capacity; he does for two people but three or more and he panics: he will strain and groan and set off the smoke alarm.  He has never lived up to his father and I doubt that he ever will.

We won’t be replacing them any time soon, but the Hub got ‘some’ printers off an auction site for £acertainamountbutwellwithinourpricerange.  A bargain.  He thought it was worth it if just one works; and maybe he can sell the others for spare parts.  My house is littered with things the Hub was going to sell for spare parts but never had the energy to do.  Once he has collected the items, his energy is all spent and, to quote Hawkeye through the same gritted teeth, ‘They stay where they lay.’  However, if I can’t print out my poems, I can’t print out my poems.  Paris is worth a mass and printers are worth their weight in A4.

So I thought.  Yesterday he brought them home.  As our old one sits atop a crowded cupboard, I had lost all perspective: printers are big!  Especially six or ten or seventy-three or however many there are forging the crazy paving from the kitchen to the lounge. 

He did it once before, with microwaves.  They sat in the shed for nine years until we discovered Freecycle.  This time, it’s the Hub I’m giving away.  Anybody need one?  I’ll deliver.

18 Responses to “A Bargain Is Only A Bargain If Your Wife Is Still Speaking To You”

  1. sunshineinlondon February 8, 2011 at 09:50 #

    Does he do dishes, and does he take up much room? If he’s a bargain, I’ll ask my husband if we can have him. Why, again? 🙂
    I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to come to your blog and laugh out loud – I seriously do. Even at your comments. Sorry – I’m now a groupie.
    Sunshine xx


    • Tilly Bud February 8, 2011 at 10:50 #

      Never apologise for slavish adoration of me.


  2. earlybird February 8, 2011 at 09:58 #

    Good post, Tilly. Could we perhaps see a photo of the offending article(s) before deciding whether we take the Hub or the printers?

    The quote at the top of the page reminded me that I heard a Moroccan joke yesterday at my French class: The man of the household always has the last word: ‘Yes, my love’.

    I do hope one of them works and that the ink cartridges don’t cost more than he’s spent on the printer(s)…


  3. vivinfrance February 8, 2011 at 13:34 #

    You’ve got it all wrong, Tilly: in this house, the woman’s place is in the wrong.

    As for the printers: does any of them actually print?


  4. gigihawaii February 8, 2011 at 16:25 #

    hmmm. In order to have your hub, would I have to trade in my hub for yours? Can’t have 2 hubs? On second thought, I might as well keep the one I have.


  5. slpmartin February 8, 2011 at 17:02 #

    I’ve never tried collecting printers…but there’s a first time for everything. 🙂


  6. nrhatch February 8, 2011 at 18:36 #

    Wonderful post, Tilly Bud.

    As Slingblade would say, “I like the way you talk.” And think. And write.

    Mmm . . . hem.


    • Tilly Bud February 9, 2011 at 13:02 #

      I had to Google Slingblade and now I’m slightly worried that you see me as a family-killer and even more worried that you like it…



  7. Cindy February 8, 2011 at 19:27 #

    I’d smack him, I would.
    (Congratss on your two friends’ books *smile*)


    • Tilly Bud February 9, 2011 at 13:03 #

      Oh no, he’s doing it for the greater good. Unfortunately.

      Thanks for the congratss.


  8. Sharp Little Pencil February 9, 2011 at 05:39 #

    Linda, I love your tales of your marriage. Some folks have a knack for second-hand buying; others attract crap like magnets attract steel filings! I used to be the latter, but Freecycle has given me some lovely stuff, and I’ve also given away some great things, too.

    Thanks for the giggle! Amy


    • Tilly Bud February 9, 2011 at 13:04 #

      It wasn’t so bad when we had a warehouse to store it all in. Now it’s more a case of ‘where house?’


  9. Mike Patrick February 9, 2011 at 17:49 #

    I love this site. This reminded me of my stepson. He once told me, “Every morning when I get up, the first thing I do is say, ‘I’m sorry,’ to my wife. That starts the day off right.”


    • Tilly Bud February 9, 2011 at 23:33 #

      That is the second-funniest thing I’ve read this week – your snake comment on Viv’s blog being the first. Have you ever thought about writing another blog? You seem to have the material to hand.

      Thanks for the lovely compliment. 🙂


  10. misswhiplash July 25, 2011 at 16:24 #

    I would volunteer to give him a home BUT he supports Manchester City.. Such a terrible shame, he is so much better than the model I have. I could really mould him into quite a decent Hub..but Manchester City..oh dear NO !!!!


I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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