Archive | April, 2011

Underneath The Arches

30 Apr

Describe the unhealthiest meal you’ve ever eaten.

Anything from McDonald’s.

How did you feel afterwards?

Soiled.  Did you know they don’t provide cutlery?


Joke 37

30 Apr

Two vampires are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, “Oh, I’m really thirsty for some fresh blood.”

The other vampire says, “Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can’t be exposed to any light – you know we’ll die.”

“Yeah, I know,” says the first vampire, “but I’m really starving for it.”

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

“You lucky thing. Where’d you find blood that quick?” asked the second vampire.

“You see that tree over there in the distance?” mumbled the vampire, his mouth full of blood.

“Yeah, I think I do!”

“Well, I didn’t.”

The Royal Welding

29 Apr

So it’s all over bar the shouting at Prince Harry.  It was a lovely ceremony. Boring, as weddings always are except for the bride, but lovely.

Prince William places a wedding ring on Kate Middleton's finger in front of the Archbishop of Canterbury

Princess William of Wales looked fabulous in her gorgeous dress.  If I was getting married again (not unlikely as I will soon be a widow, the Hub having walked into the room half way through and complained, ‘Is this *&$£ still on?’), I would be one of those sad women who copy celebrity dresses.

Prince William kisses his wife Kate, Duchess of Cambridge on the balcony of Buckingham Palace

The world and his wife (wonder whose dress idea she stole?) will be blogging about how much they loved/hated the event, so I will instead bring you some interesting facts gleaned from the talking heads who had to fill in the time between first guest arriving at the Abbey (08:15) and last (HMtheQ, 10:50):

  • William is already a prince of Wales (not thePrince of Wales), but the Queen gave him the gift of being his own little United Kingdom: the couple are now known as the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (England) (a Royal Duke being way up the scale from a regular duke), Earl and Countess of Strathearn (Scotland), Baron and Baroness of Carrickfergus (Northern Ireland)
  • There were 36 Philip Treacy hats on display, or 36 abominations that bring shame on the name ‘milliner’ (the talking heads didn’t say that, they gushed; I edited a little to reflect my disgust that perfectly good material and feathers should be so shamefully abused) 

 Princess Eugenie of York (L) and Princess Beatrice of York

  • Elton John and David Furnish were the first civil partnership to attend a royal wedding though not, one suspects, the first gay couple
  • David Beckham wore his OBE on the wrong lapel (right instead of left) and his missus showed bad form by wearing black
  • I wore a soft grey faux wool overtop and a blue cotton t-shirt patterned with unique bleach stains over black boot cut pants with 2% elastane for easy movement from the couch to the tv remote, and pale blue Woolworths stokies.  My hair was dressed au naturel in a becoming greasy unwashed colour
  • The Prince’s parents’ wedding was thirty years ago in the middle of a recession; there was unrest in the Middle East and Bruce Forsythe headlined Saturday night tv.  The more things change…
  • The police wore dress uniform, hence the Mickey Mouse gloves
  • Wills was made one thousandth Knight of the Garter in 2008, a gift in the monarch’s possession.  All KotGs were invited to the wedding.  Never mind, Mr Blair and Mr Brown
  • They add rust to the cement to make the Mall road red
  • A soldier held the car door open for the Queen at the Abbey.  She looked like a little old lady with an ignorant taxi driver as she tried to tell him she was getting out on the other side
  • Another old lady travelled thousands of miles from foreign parts and slept on the street by the Abbey for four days to make sure she had a good spot to see everything.  Wills arrived and she fainted, was stretchered away and missed Kate arriving and the whole ceremony she had so longed to see…ouch
  • The award for Most Inane Remark By A Talking Head goes to Sky’s Charlotte Hawkins for this as William arrived at the Abbey: One half of the couple is here; now all we need is the bride.
  • A horse called Royal Wedding won the 5:30 at Fontwell
  • To celebrate the whole thing going off well, a Westminster Abbey verger cartwheeled down the aisle:

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101/1001 (6)

29 Apr


I’ve added six new tasks to the list.  They all involve learning by rote:

  • Learn the names of the New Testament books as they appear.
  • Learn the names of the twelve disciples.  I’ve been a Christian for over thirty years; I think it’s time. 
  • Learn my baptism verses again.  I knew them in the Revised Standard Version but now I have a New International Version and I get the two mixed up.
  • Learn the names of all the Kings & Queens of England in order.
  • Learn the names of all the British Prime Ministers in order.
  • Learn the names of all the American Presidents in order.

The Prime Minister list is from a sense of duty: I added the President one first and then thought, as a patriotic Englishwoman, it was my duty to know my own political leaders as well. 

Completed Task:

No mention of Maltesers on my blog for ten days.  I managed it from 13-24 April; did you notice?  Lots of mentions at home, however, until the Hub took the hint and bought me some.

Almost completed task:

I now know the words to the South African national anthem.  All that remains is to film me singing it and post it to the blog.  And some tuning issues, but we’ll gloss over that.

A huge welcome to our new recruit, Perfecting Motherhood.  She’s a pretty impressive recruit because she already has her list of 101 things to do.  You’d think I’d be embarrassed, wouldn’t you?  I’m not; but I do intend to steal some of her tasks for my own list.

Joke 36

29 Apr

A man asks to be admitted to heaven.

St Peter says, “Name one good deed that you’ve done.”

The man replies, “Well, a gang of bikers was threatening a woman.  I smacked them, kicked over their bikes and ripped out their nose rings.”

Impressed, St Peter asks, “When did this happen?”

The man replies, “About thirty seconds ago.”

My Note Books

28 Apr

Earlybird gave me this idea: sharing my notebooks with you. 

I started using a notebook on the advice of the Open University creative writing course.  I knew at once that I should have kept one all my life.  I’m making up for lost time: since starting one back in 2008 I have filled thirty-seven:

I like to cover them.  I use interesting things I find and bind them with sellotape to make the covers stronger.

My first four were rather dull:

Then I decided to have fun.  I use newspaper cuttings:

Pretty ladies:

Souvenirs of happy days:

Funny birthday cards:

Sometimes the front and back are different:

And sometimes share a theme:

They reflect my interests:

My home:

And my love:

But most of all, they combine two of my favourite things: writing and sellotape.

Mothers, Don’t Try To Educate Your Children

28 Apr

I love to laugh but sometimes I can’t, like when I read this story over on Parentdish

A homeless woman living in a van used a friend’s address to enrol her six-year-old son in school.  She faces – wait for it – twenty years in jail.  Truly, wanting to educate your child despite your circumstances is a heinous crime.

But it’s understandable, as the Mayor tells us

McDowell is no angel, having been arrested last year for possession of marijuana and having served 18 months in prison for robbery and weapons charges.

“This is not a poor, picked-upon homeless person,” he tells the newspaper. “This is an ex-con, and somehow the city of Norwalk is made into the ogre in this. She has a checkered past at best.”

That’s okay then: she’s a bad person.  Forget that she has no record of child abuse or child abandonment and is trying to do the best for her son; lock her up for life, put her son into state care, and justice is served.

My dear readers, I am sure you are as appalled by this story as I am.  Please email Norwalk Mayor Richard Moccia’s office and tell him so, and blog about it yourself.  A woman shouldn’t be imprisoned for doing her duty.

Here’s Norwalk’s website:

And the Mayor’s contact details:

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