Archive | 09:01

Green Around The Landfills

5 Jun
Steel crushed and baled for recycling in a rec...

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Whose responsibility is it to change the world?

Ours.

And what will be your contribution?

Eat less.
Fart less.
Kill all the cows.

*

To be fair, I am doing my bit:

  • I reduce, repair, re-use and recycle whenever possible.
  • I swap my books instead of buying new.
  • I Freegle, Realcycle and Freecycle at every opportunity.
  • I don’t just throw cans into the brown recycling bin: I take off their labels for the blue recycling bin.
  • I turn old wardrobes into cupboard shelves and socks into dusters.
  • I buy my clothes in charity shops or accept them gratefully from friends.
  • I only boil enough water for my cup of tea.  The rest of them do without because they can’t be bothered making their own.
  • I let Stockport Homes re-wire my house, install a condensing boiler, double glazing, insulation and energy-efficient shower.  (How good am I?)
  • I use the same old jokes whenever I think I can get away with it.

I don’t think there’s much more I can do; do you?

*

While proofreading this post, I realised I had read ‘save’ instead of ‘change’. 

Let’s try again:

Whose responsibility is it to change the world?

Ours.

And what will be your contribution?

Get my kids to do it.

They’ll have to take over; I’m exhausted.  I’m so busy saving the planet, I don’t have time to fix it.

*

(

Joke 73

5 Jun

A slight change of style, but still a joke.

How to give a cat a pill.

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat with cat’s head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat’s throat to wash down pill.

9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell.  Ring pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

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