A Serious Break

Image by lamazone via Flickr

Do you think people should have the right to commit suicide?

I think having ‘the right’ is irrelevant:
if someone wants to kill themselves, they will.

Do you think global warming is real?

Yes.

When you get mad, what calms you down?

A long walk.

Do you think your readers like serious posts from you?*

No.

*WordPress didn’t write that one; I did.  I had to get these awkward questions out of the way because I aim to answer every prompt this year, no matter how stupid, or how serious.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Fudges, Freaks And Fooling Around

Image by badjonni via Flickr

Why is there evil in the world?

To prompt WordPress prompters into asking questions I really don’t want to have to answer.

Why are reality TV shows so popular?

The government outlawed freak shows.

Close your eyes and try thinking about nothing: what happens?

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It’s counter-intuitive, but awake or asleep our brains are driven to be doing something. It’s a surprise to most people to realize how little control they have over their own minds.

It’s not a surprise to me.  And nor, I suspect, to this blog’s readers.

Make of that what you will 😉

I’m just kidding.  Ask me again.

Close your eyes and try thinking about nothing: what happens?

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Joke 129

The star asked the sun why the moon was always up so late.

The sun replied that it was just a phase.

Weakly Photo Challenge: Colour

The link is rather tenuous this week but I’ve been busy as you know, and the smell of the paste has gone straight to my cororabaral ceetext.

Spud’s room is done, decorated.  I’m rather proud of myself.  It went well, apart from one little glitch.  You know how I said it would be blue and white…?  Look at this photo and tell me if you think this paper is white or not:

Exactly.  It is white.  It is also the underside.  This is the topside, a sort of silvery bronze:

NEXT apparently roll their papers with the underside out and the topside in; but they didn’t bother telling me.  I tell you, I was this close to pasting that £140 roll of wall paper on the patterned side, but the Hub slapped me around with the paste brush until I saw sense.  Instead, Spud now has a feature wall.

You should have seen my earlier post by now, with all the photos of Spud’s room.  I had intended to insert them into this post but I can’t find the gallery feature in WordPress and it takes so long to arrange them between the text that I could have decorated another room in the time I spend fiddling.  I will have more photos for you once the room is properly arranged.

My decorating skills are not great, coming as they do with an attitude of slap it on and stick it up, but my spirit makes up in willingness what it lacks in ability.  The point is, Spud loves his new room.  And that’s what it’s all about.

6WS: Photos Of The Decorating, As Promised

            

Joke 128

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?

She had mittens.

101/1001 (18)

Week 18: no tasks completed.  Many are ongoing.

Nothing of interest to report.

Two new 101/1001ers have taken up my slack:

• Kiwidutch
• Manchester Meanders

I suggest you go and visit them because it’s dullsville here.

And don’t forget to check out the rest in the list on the right.  I mean it.  Or else.

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The decorating is finished.  It’s not on my 101 list but it was on my Jobs To Do list on the fridge, if that helps.

I haven’t posted photos yet because Spud hasn’t seen it.  He went to stay with his brother in Lancaster last Friday, until Wednesday.  He texted on Wednesday to say he was coming home Thursday.  He texted on Thursday to say he was coming home today.

He hasn’t woken up yet, I’m reliably informed, so he may or may not text to say he’s coming home tomorrow.

You never knew I was a hotel in another life, did you?

Pictures may or may not, therefore, appear tonight.  I wouldn’t watch this space if I were you.

Lots of Love,

Grumpy.

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I don’t want to cheat you of your laughs today, so here’s a bonus joke, excluded from the 1001 countdown (technically, countup), for Viewfromtheside‘s prompt, joke:

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Joke 127

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:  You have two cows.  You keep one and give one to your neighbour.

A SOCIALIST:  You have two cows.  The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN/BRITISH CONSERVATIVE:  You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT/BRITISH LABOUR:  You have two cows.  Your neighbour has none.  You feel guilty for being successful.  You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.  The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:  You have two cows.  The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:  You have two cows.  The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:  You have two cows.  You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:  You have two cows.  The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.  You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  They are mad.  They die. Pass the cottage pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.  You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:  You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You enter into a partnership with an American corporation.  Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the journalist who reported on them.

AN ARKANSAS/NORFOLK CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  That one on the left is kinda cute.

Move Over

Image by buba69 via Flickr

What would it take to get you to move?

From this chair?  Lunch.

From this house?  A better house.

From this country?  A green card.

From this planet?  The dulcet tones of Captain Jean-Luc Picard.  He could persuade me to do anything.

If someone you trusted offered you $1000 to move to a different city, would that be enough?

Could I take my lunch with me?

Upon reflection, no.  That would barely cover the moving costs; especially to Betazed.

Would you need other things: the promise of friends or better weather?

I have friends; even some real ones.  Global warming will catch up in Stockport eventually, so I won’t need that.

What would they need to offer you before you’d instantly say yes?

A job.

Or if you already want to move, what would it take to get you to stay?

A job.

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Actually, I love moving house.  I love the clear-out that moving house always entails.  I like putting things into boxes, putting their contents into lists in a pretty little yellow notebook, and putting the boxes with their labels (Kitchen/Bedroom/Lounge etc) into the new rooms in the new house.

The junk gets sorted into categories:

• Charity
• Recycling
• Sell
• Garbage

And sub-categories:

• Charity: Clothes/Bric-a-brac/Books
• Recycling: Bottles & Cans/Paper/Green Waste
• Sell: Whatever I Don’t Need/Large Unused Items/The Hub’s Stuff
• Garbage: Tat/Junk/The Hub

Hmm.  Ask me the question again.

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Joke 126

Thanks to Viewfromtheside for this one.

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint, I pushed the old dear over.

 

Just When You Thought You’d Had More Laughing Housewife Than You Could Stomach…

Image by debcll via Flickr

Yin & Yang, milk & honey, Starsky & Hutch…lots of good things come in twos.

This week, I have twice been featured on other blogs: one is a delightful and surprise gift; the other was written at my request.  One is  in praise of laughter; the other poked fun at me.  One is a positive and life-affirming blog; the other a little, erm, seamier.

Thank you, Nancy at Spirit Lights The Way and Lou at Necrotic Hijinks for reminding me that it’s good for the soul to be both lauded and laughed at; so long as we don’t take either too seriously, we have a happy balance.

I recommend that you take a look at both blogs: Nancy never met a comment which she didn’t answer with care and consideration; Lou will poke fun at you if you ask him.  Thanks also to Corkscrewboohoo for pointing me in his direction.  

I think.

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This Is Tartan!

 

In honor of reaching topic #200, what in your life would want to have 200 more of?

Is this a trick question?  If not, my answer would have to be:

200 prompters who try asking something that makes sense.

The ‘what’ in my life would like to know what is this ‘200’ whereof you speak?  Perhaps the personal pronouns you misplaced when writing that question? 

Alternative answers:

• 200 tissues for my snotty first answer.
• 200 pound coins – or maybe not: the question asks what I would want 200 more of, implying that I have at least one pound in my possession right now.
• 200 boxes of my favourite sweet so that I can make a 200-drawer storage cabinet with the empties for the Hub’s junk.  Should be done by next Tuesday.
• 200 plastic tubs of leftovers in my freezer so that I don’t have to cook a meal for the next 200 days.
• 200 warriors to go with my Gerard Butler As An Ancient But Decidedly Dishy Greek collection.
• 200 billion Euros to help bail out Gerry’s modern mates.  They’ve got as much chance of getting it from the UK government as they have from me, so I might as well think big: it costs me nothing and makes me look good.
• 200 quilts for the Cotswolds’ wind surfers.
• 200 kilts for the Scots’ old bag of wind professors – we may take their hives but we cannae take away their bee domes.
• 200 coherent sentences for this post.
• 200 copies of my answer to the 200 queries bound to flood in after this post is published.  Q: What are you going on about?  A: If the WordPress prompter can write nonsense, then so can I.
• 200 Gerard Butlers, just for fun.
• 200 gratuitous Gerard Butler pictures, to compensate for not getting even one Gerard Butler.
• 200 butlers.  Someone has to clean the house while I’m decorating.

Spartans! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty, for tonight we dine in Tilly’s kitchen!

Clues as to what this post is about, if it’s about anything, can be found in these related articles:

• Eleventh hour rescue for Royal tartan mill – the world’s last traditional tartan weaver (prweb.com)
• http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10362883
• http://www.waterpark.org/leisure/windsurfing.html
• tartan tabbies rock (serendipity4molly.wordpress.com)
• http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2011/jul/26/italy-spain-borrowing-costs-rise
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/300_(film)#Cast
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Braveheart

Joke 125

The Keystone Kops were disbanded after they were frequently criticized for excessive use of farce.

http://www.punoftheday.com/pun/3891

What If This Bloke Had Popped His Clogs At 69?

From Sidey’s prompt, what if?

With apologies to Viv and all of my decade-ally-challenged friends.

I read an item today about a seventy-year-old man in Widnes who married for the first time.  He said ‘it was worth the wait to find the right woman.’

Talk about picky.

What if he had died before seventy?  He would never have known the joy of getting down on one knee to propose; and staying there.

He met his wife Rosemary Hipwood two years ago while on Holiday in Devon.  Think that’s her name or her next operation?

Jimmy made his move two days later.  Do I really have to say it?

Seriously, I think it’s wonderful to know that love, life and happiness don’t slow down in our latter years, even if our bodies do.  It’s good to know that when I finally snap and bump off the Hub by clobbering him with his own clutter, there’ll be another man out there, ready to love me, smiling in a glass on the bedside table.

Joke 124

A rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a camping holiday, so she wrote to a camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn’t know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term bathroom closet but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.  “Does the camping ground have its own B.C.?”

The camping ground owner wasn’t old-fashioned, and he couldn’t figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church.  Here is his reply:

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community and we all go together when we can.

Regards, C. Owner