Archive | 15:48

Will Smith: An Apology

5 Jul

Dear Will, I’m sorry we are both happily married to other people because, with your ears and my size we’d have been perfect for a remake of ‘Dumbo’.  Love, Tilly Bud.

I love Will Smith; he’s a natural actor and incredibly funny.  I declare today Will Smith Day, for no other reason than it gives me an excuse to think about him.  I loved him in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.  I didn’t know then that he was a rap star and I often wondered about the funny little fellow who couldn’t act who kept making guest appearances (DJ Jazzy Jeff, his rap partner).

My two favourite movie lines of all time are Will Smith’s in Independence Day, and they both occur in the scene where he and Jeff Goldblum are attempting to plant the virus that will wipe out the alien invaders:

‘We have got to work on our communication’ 

‘I ain’t heard no fat lady!’  

Doesn’t sound interesting flat on the screen like that, I know; it is definitely one of those moments where you had to be there.  Like Frank Carson, it’s the way he tells ’em.   If you haven’t seen Independence Day – what is wrong with you?  I have seen it about twenty times.

Do you know what?  I have seen ID about twenty times and it has just occurred to me: what happened to the dog?  Remember how Jasmine risked her and her son’s lives to call Boomer in the tunnel when Los Angeles was being blown up?  And he was in the truck when she was driving around saving what was left of the population?  Boyfriend turns up to rescue her and all of a sudden – no dog.  He’s never seen again in the movie.

Does anyone know if Will Smith claims to be vegetarian?

I saw Mr Smith in an interview and he described how, after his first record went platinum or he won Grammy awards or something, he went home and told his Mom and she said, ‘Yes, very nice, now go and get some milk; we’ve run out.’   With a mother like that, no wonder he’s grounded.

Sadly, Will won’t be starring in my forthcoming movie, in which large blonde dogs band together and betray humanity to an alien species.  I call it Independence Day: Boomer’s Revenge.  Tagline: The Day The Dogs Bit Back.


This is a re-post (with edits). 

When I’m Not Cleaning Windows

5 Jul
B B Texture

Image by tassie.sim via Flickr

Do you think you need another social network?

No.  That’s what the school gate is for.

Do you prefer the aisle or window when traveling? Why?

Aisle.  So I’m first off the plane when we crash.

Find the nearest window.

I knew the WordPress prompters would get me in the end.

Oh wait, no need to panic after all:

Find the nearest window. Look outside: what do you see when you look through it?

I see an urgent need to clean it.  I thought it was dark in here.  You know how I’m always complaining that it’s not sunny?  I think I may have found a solution…

If you started your own nation, what rules would be in your constitution?

The unemployed (excluding me, because it’s my nation; my rules) have to clean the windows of the less fortunate; and me.

Why do some people’s dreams get realized, and others don’t?

Unrealistic expectations.  What chance do I have of starting my own nation? 

It’s not fair; now I’ll never have clean windows.



Joke 103

5 Jul

The rank outsider was leading the Derby, but not furlong.

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