Screeeech!

Image via Wikipedia

That’s the sound of my head hitting the monitor when I saw the new ‘follow’ button which replaces the ‘subscribe’ button; and the sound I made when I went outside and bellowed at the world because WordPress can’t hear me.

I HATE it.  What are WordPress thinking?  And why so secret about it?  It just appeared.  Why not send us their usual email?  Did they know we would hate it, or did the prompt, Would you rather be a leader or a follower? indicate so many followers that they thought they could get away with it, without too much fuss?  Are we going to let them get away with this?  We are not!

What d’we want?

A subscription button!

When d’we wan’it?

Now!

Which reminds me of the joke Spud told me:

What d’we want?

Procrastination!

When d’we wan’it?

Next week!

This is not Facebook or Twitter; this is my own, personal space to say what I like for free and with no monthly charge…erm, well, okay, it is a bit like Facebook and Twitter.  But that doesn’t mean I have to like everything about it.  And I don’t like that possible new subscribers will now stay away in their thousands (what?  I’m an optimist) because they never hit ‘follow’ like I never hit ‘follow’, and don’t realise it’s a subscription button.

You just made my blog a flop, WordPress.  Thanks for nothing.

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To shout at WordPress, go here.  Thanks, Piglet in Portugal, for the tip-off.

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I Should Just Not Talk To My Children (via Sarsm’s Blog)

This is the first time I have ever re-blogged a post, as I usually like to hear the sound of my own voice over everyone else’s; but Sarah’s post was so funny, I had to share it.

Akasha has just drawn a princess and a castle. She proudly guided me through her drawing. The princess is wearing a lovely crown and has her legs inside her dress. The castle has lots of windows. The one above her head looks like a heart so I asked her if it’s a heart-shaped window. She informed me that the princess has fallen in love. (She’s a right romantic, yesterday she told me that her favourite moment during the Wild West Show was when the … Read More

via Sarsm’s Blog

Joke 160

A man wanted to buy a parrot.  He went to a pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.  He asked the owner, “How much for the parrot on the right?”

The owner said it was £2,500.

“£2,500!  What does he do?”

“He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office,” responded the owner.  “He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters.”

The man then asked what the second parrot cost.

The owner replied, “£5,000, but he not only knows Office, he is also an expert computer programmer.”

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.

The owner replied, “£40,000.”

Curious as to how a bird could cost £40,000, the man asked what this bird’s speciality was.

The store owner replied, “Well, to be honest I haven’t seen him do anything.  But the other two call him ‘BOSS’.”

That’s The Thanks I Get

Image by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton via Flickr

Yesterday’s Award Ceremony seemed to go down well, apart from a little carping in the cheap seats from those who felt left out; but I am not pleased with what I now see is my unworthy winner: guess what she did?  She gave it away.  That’s right, Nancy re-gifted my award like a set of cheap toiletries at Christmas. 

I didn’t thumbsuck this idea to go sharing it round the net.  I didn’t (possibly) infringe image copyright so people would read about me willy-nilly and come racing over here to see what the fuss is about.  I didn’t spend nothing to have it thrown back in my face.  I intended sharing the award as much as a box of you-know-what; but now it has lost its exclusivity.

However, the damage has been done; and once you hear who Nancy’s recipient is, you’ll quite understand that she was too afraid to do anything but pass it on: the deserving secondhand winner is…Miss Whiplash.

I am an idiot, actually (thank you, Hub, for that masterly overview of the situation): I should have given the award to the scary people first.  Oh, wait….

I went over to Miss Whiplash to see how she was coping with the sudden fame and adulation, and read something that I just have to share with you.  Miss Whiplash has been having trouble with her computer:

Anyway next day I went to see Chris and Colin who do the Tarot readings. Colin asked if there was anything that I really wanted to know. Yes I replied…can you tell me where my e-mail list of contacts have gone and where my photos are, and where everything is..

I think I can help you there he said, I used to be a Computer Technician.

You couldn’t make it up.

Well done, Miss Whiplash; it wasn’t a comment but it did give me a real laugh out loud moment.  

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A brief explanation about the spelling of CoWAbunger™ (thank you, everyone who offered help; I just c+p this one; it’s easy when you know how), which caused some confusion: it is not to be confused with cowabunga, 

(i)    a greeting by Chief Thunderthud of HowdyDoody fame
(ii)  an exclamation of joy by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
(iii) a surfer dude’s phrase to show off his/her coolness
  

CoWA: Comment of the Week Award – the ‘the’ is silent, as in        .

bunger: bung (to offer a bribe to a greedy blog owner) + er (the Scouse pronunciation of ‘her’); thus, bung ‘er a box of Maltesers and the award is yours.

 

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Related articles

• And The Winner Is… (thelaughinghousewife.wordpress.com)
• I am sort of back together again.. (misswhiplash.wordpress.com)
• http://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2011/08/29/cowabunger-dudes-and-dudettes/

Joke 159

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing.  The policeman asked for a description.

She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

The next-door neighbour protested, “Your husband is fifty, 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”

The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”

And The Winner Is…

My readers leave a lot of funny comments on this blog.  Stop it, will you!  You’re embarrassing me; I’m supposed to be the amusing one. 

I find it difficult to be funny back so, to circumvent my inadequacy, I am announcing the Comment of the Week Award, with a magnificent prize, to be known hereinafter as the CoWAbunger (TM) (Anybody know how to superscript?).

The magnificent prize is a photograph of a trophy/rosette/plaque of some kind, because I’m not made of money, you know.  All decisions are made by me, and are final unless a suitable bribe is offered.

The inaugural CoWAbunger (TM) (Anybody know how to superscript?) goes to someone who has shown consistency in her commenting ever since I’ve known her; but that’s not why she’s the winner.

Someone who speaks her mind so I’d better stay on the right side of her; but that’s not why she’s the winner.

Someone who already gets regular mentions in this blog (previous comment refers); but that’s not why she’s the winner.

Who I’ve already told in my reply to her comment that she gets Comment of the Week; that’s why she’s the winner, because she inspired it.  Oh, and her masterly response to my Weekly Photo Challenge: Up post.  That’s why she’s the winner.  That and the flattery, which I usually hate, as you know.  Honest.  But did I mention she was a straight talker, so it must be true that she loves me?

up
give
to
want
would
you
why
completely
understand
I
TillyB
post
this
about
everything
love
I

Here you go:

I have the feeling I’ve forgotten something…

…oh yes! 

And the Winner is…Nancy!    CoWAbunger! (TM) (Anybody know how to superscript?)

Unfortunately, Nancy couldn’t be here today to collect her award, because she lives on another continent.  I have a feeling that’s going to happen a lot.

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You Don’t Get A Title Today

Image via Wikipedia

Hemingway once wrote a super short story: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”

What story can you write in six words?

Born.  Grew.  Wider.  Heart attack.  Died.

Do you prefer to lead or follow? Or linger in the middle and never fully commit to anything?

Yes.  No.  Maybe.

Have you been to where your parents were born?

Liverpool, houses or my Nans’ old beds?

When is it ok to lie?

When I’m tired.

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I’m grumpy this morning; does it show?

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Joke 158

Two students were discussing food.

“I got a cook book once,” said John.  “But I couldn’t do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Mike.

“You said it,” John replied, nodding.  “Every one of those recipes began the same way: ‘Take a clean plate…’ ”

Weekly Photo Challenge: Up

I give up.               

He’s been fixing it up for nine months.

The Hub is fixing this up.

Joke 157

Another one from South African Michelle.

A man went to see his Rabbi.

“Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi was very surprised by this. “How can that be?”

“I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me; what should I do?”

The Rabbi said, “I tell you what, let me talk to her; I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, “Well, I spoke to your wife.  I spoke to her on the phone for over three hours.  You want my advice?”

“Yes!”

“Take the poison.”

Newsflash: Millions Of Marriages Saved By Science

Image via Wikipedia

The Hub is a generous man, I admit that; but even he draws the line at bedtime…usually right down the middle, indicating his (his) and hers (mine) sides of the bed.  I go to bed before him and though I always start on my side of the bed, I usually end up in the middle, wrapped in the duvet.  That wasn’t a problem when I was young and slim and living in a hot country and he didn’t want the sheet and used it to roll me over; but now…poor bloke; no wonder he’s got a back problem.

Because, of course, it’s not just the bed I hog; it’s the duvet.  I am a woman, after all; despite what my children think.

Duvets are a common cause of hostilities in most marriages: who gets how much being the obvious fight.  But a more covert battle is often waged over what thickness the duvet should be: a 4.5 tog being the thickest he’s prepared to tolerate, no matter how much it’s snowing outside; a 13 tog being my minimum requirement during summer and two of them, at least, in winter.

Him: I’m a hot-blooded male, you frigid swear word!  I need to let me bits breathe.

Her: Of course I’m freezing, you swear word; you only let me have three duvets tonight!  Oh, you said ‘frigid’?  I couldn’t hear you over my chattering teeth. That’s an argument for tomorrow, if I haven’t frozen to death in my bed.  Turn the heating up.  I hate August in England. 

Now, however, spurred on by right-wing governments and to the chagrin of divorce lawyers everywhere, scientists have come up with a simple plan to keep the Hub trapped:

[A]n invention has gone on sale that promises to end duvet wars for good.

Bedding experts at John Lewis have designed a
split-warmth quilt that is thicker on one side than the other.

It means cold fishes can snuggle down under the cosier
side, while their hot-blooded partners who regularly throw off the covers can choose the lighter option.

The article in the Johannesburg broadsheet, The Star (I always have to point that out in case anyone mistakenly thinks I read the execrable British tabloid of the same name) goes on to say:

Almost half of those questioned by the Sleep Council said snoring topped the list of complaints, but “hogging the bedclothes” came a close second.

I hope they don’t find a cure for snoring too quickly: if they take away my duvet, how else can I punish the Hub in my sleep?

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Related articles

• Definition: Duvet (casasugar.com)
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• Why are people offended by swear words – but not euphemisms? (neuropsy.co)

I Mean It

Thinking of my American readers today.

Stay safe.  Stay safe.  Stay safe.

Joke 156

This is from Michelle in South Africa.

A man climbs to the top of Mount Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks, “Lord, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

The man asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

101/1001 (22)

Another quite week for challenges.  Quiet, even.  Quite. 

Blame the summer holidays; I do.  It’s difficult to be self-obsessed when the house is full of children demanding food and making me proud.

Which reminds me: apologies for overloading you with posts yesterday…ah, who am I kidding?  I’ll be doing the same thing next year when he takes the bulk of his GCSEs.  You might as well get used to it.

Here’s where I’m at:

Find another 64 challenges for the list.  (27/64)

This number hasn’t moved for months.  As I have a raft of new readers, I’ll throw the floor open to suggestions again.  One caveat: they must be cheap or free.

Reach 30,000 comments on my blog (13,020/30,000)

I reached my original target of 13,000 yesterday.  The exciting bit was actually seeing ‘13,000 Comments’ on my Home Page.  What can I say?  I live a dull life.

Less than a third of the way in, I feel it was right to up the target to 30,000.  However, if I do some rapid maths which make my head hurt because maths really isn’t my thing, I suspect the new number is still too low.

Any suggestions for a realistic target?

Yoda Gangster And The Laughing Rat

Image via Wikipedia

It’s searches that found me time again; doesn’t it come around quickly?

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Things I’d Like To See

• yoda gangster
• tap dancing bird
• laughing rat
• kitten frowning

Things I Wouldn’t Like To See

• boris johnson as a child
• cartoon passed out from fart
• uma thurman severed head
• crazy looking spiders
• fat guys with bad teeth
• megalomaniac wine photos
• knickerless can-can
• time to eat clock for cats cartoon

Well That Explains A Lot

• dinosaurs miss ark
• penguins can smell toothpaste
• do not frown you never know who is
• dont trust loughing women

From The ‘Need To Get A Life’ Brigade

• before and after – cleaning clothing
• “what have you got against the letter s”
• how to use the work phone

Bet They Were Surprised To Find Themselves Here

• sex.rumhub.com
• free porn cartoons

Again With The Legs

• huge leg elderly
• broken leg girl
• father wooden leg

This Search Makes Sense

• aged mother cartoon

I Wonder If Scientists Know This?

• cartoon causes low birth rate
• richard bacon is a jerk
• noah the arc

Or If They Can Do This?

• i want a frog biology

Spelling Matters, Especially For A Little Town In Cheshire

• hurricane irene channel 7 eye widnes news

Finally!

• ok, time to panic