Newsflash: Millions Of Marriages Saved By Science

27 Aug
Inside every Silk Concept duvet you will find ...

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The Hub is a generous man, I admit that; but even he draws the line at bedtime…usually right down the middle, indicating his (his) and hers (mine) sides of the bed.  I go to bed before him and though I always start on my side of the bed, I usually end up in the middle, wrapped in the duvet.  That wasn’t a problem when I was young and slim and living in a hot country and he didn’t want the sheet and used it to roll me over; but now…poor bloke; no wonder he’s got a back problem.

Because, of course, it’s not just the bed I hog; it’s the duvet.  I am a woman, after all; despite what my children think.

Duvets are a common cause of hostilities in most marriages: who gets how much being the obvious fight.  But a more covert battle is often waged over what thickness the duvet should be: a 4.5 tog being the thickest he’s prepared to tolerate, no matter how much it’s snowing outside; a 13 tog being my minimum requirement during summer and two of them, at least, in winter.

Him: I’m a hot-blooded male, you frigid swear word!  I need to let me bits breathe.

Her: Of course I’m freezing, you swear word; you only let me have three duvets tonight!  Oh, you said ‘frigid’?  I couldn’t hear you over my chattering teeth. That’s an argument for tomorrow, if I haven’t frozen to death in my bed.  Turn the heating up I hate August in England

Now, however, spurred on by right-wing governments and to the chagrin of divorce lawyers everywhere, scientists have come up with a simple plan to keep the Hub trapped:

[A]n invention has gone on sale that promises to end duvet wars for good.

Bedding experts at John Lewis have designed a
split-warmth quilt that is thicker on one side than the other.

It means cold fishes can snuggle down under the cosier
side, while their hot-blooded partners who regularly throw off the covers can choose the lighter option.

The article in the Johannesburg broadsheet, The Star (I always have to point that out in case anyone mistakenly thinks I read the execrable British tabloid of the same name) goes on to say:

Almost half of those questioned by the Sleep Council said snoring topped the list of complaints, but “hogging the bedclothes” came a close second.

I hope they don’t find a cure for snoring too quickly: if they take away my duvet, how else can I punish the Hub in my sleep?

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20 Responses to “Newsflash: Millions Of Marriages Saved By Science”

  1. Tammy August 27, 2011 at 16:03 #

    oh the snoring…

    Like

  2. nrhatch August 27, 2011 at 16:09 #

    Of course, once menopause hits . . . and hot flashes permeate our slumber . . . even women don’t need a duvet!

    Like

    • Tilly Bud August 29, 2011 at 09:58 #

      There’s always a silver duvet lining 🙂

      Like

  3. vivinfrance August 27, 2011 at 16:39 #

    I always enjoy your convoluted logic, Tilly. It helps to have a much bigger duvet than the size of bed warrants, then you can curl up in your own bit to your hearts content, still leaving enough for Hub.

    Like

  4. misswhiplash August 27, 2011 at 16:46 #

    I have that problem well and truly solved. Seperate beds or even bedrooms. That way you get peace and quiet and the duvet all to yourself.
    Here in Bg because it is so hot we only use the duvet cover ..but when I went to UK recently I was suprised to see my grandchildren still using winter duvets AND they had the heating on..what a strange lot! xxx

    Like

  5. gigihawaii August 27, 2011 at 17:52 #

    Hubby and I sleep on a king sized bed with 2 separate blankets: a thin one for him and a thicker one for me. You guys should do the same! lol

    Like

  6. gigihawaii August 27, 2011 at 17:53 #

    oh and by the way, we cover the blankets with a king sized bedspread.

    Like

  7. SchmidleysScribbling August 27, 2011 at 19:50 #

    We settled this problem years ago. My Hub is the cold one (who wouldn’t be cold if he were that skinny?) We have separate beds in separate rooms. I also run air filters all night that act as noise blockers on the side. There are some perks (separate beds and rooms) when the kids leave home. Dianne

    Like

    • Tilly Bud August 29, 2011 at 10:02 #

      Hmm. Almost you tempt me to kick the youngest one out of the nest 🙂

      Like

  8. soulbrush August 28, 2011 at 00:12 #

    How do you know the Star? Did you live there? I was born and grew up in Johannesburg! Love your bedtime story LOL.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud August 29, 2011 at 10:04 #

      Thanks 🙂

      I lived in South Africa for fourteen years; there’s a bit about it on my About page.

      Like

  9. siggiofmaine August 28, 2011 at 02:33 #

    The “eternal battle” between the sexes…well put.

    ☮ ♥ Siggi in Downeast Maine

    Like

  10. sarsm August 28, 2011 at 08:57 #

    Here in Germany it’s traditional to have a double or king size bed frame and in that bed frame two mattresses. Then each mattress has it’s own single quilt (which is folded in half in the morning).

    When we first moved here we had no home so we stayed for two weeks with his mother.
    For the sake of our marriage, we found a flat with incredible speed.

    We’d only been married five days when we moved here, and I didn’t really appreciate the feeling of the separated mattresses each time I wanted a cuddle (nor did I appreciate my MIL wandering in and out whenever she chose, without knocking, in her undies).

    I felt pretty alone on my own mattress under my own quilt each night. Although I was aware that I was not actually alone, because of hubby’s snoring.

    We hunted shops for a new marital bed (MIL in toe at first, hence when we found a flat we still didn’t have a bed).

    I took some convincing, but you know what those salesmen are like (new technology means you don’t feel the split between the two mattresses) – and we returned home with a king size two-mattresser. OK that’s not entirely true, we waited 6 weeks for it to be delivered as it was in the summer holidays, so Southern Germany was closed down.

    Having been convinced by the Scottish snuggly way, he agreed to having a king size quilt. (Which we don’t fold neatly) (Did you know dust mite do not survive well in unmade beds?)

    The salesman was right. We could barely feel the split at all.

    Then we went and messed it up. Hubby got a bad back and so we purchased a new mattress. Only it’s an inch higher than my one. So every time I want a cuddle I have to roll up…

    Like

    • Tilly Bud August 29, 2011 at 10:09 #

      😀 Why don’t you save these amusing stories for your blog, so everyone can enjoy them?

      But leave out the bit about your MIL’s knickers; I had nightmares last night 🙂

      Like

      • sarsm August 29, 2011 at 10:17 #

        I’m still having nightmares – I actually saw the knickers.

        Hubby reads my blog, and he’s not particularly particular about his mother but he is a little bit particular…

        Like

        • Tilly Bud August 29, 2011 at 10:20 #

          I get it. Your secret is safe with me and my many readers 🙂

          Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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