Newsflash: Millions Of Marriages Saved By Science

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The Hub is a generous man, I admit that; but even he draws the line at bedtime…usually right down the middle, indicating his (his) and hers (mine) sides of the bed.  I go to bed before him and though I always start on my side of the bed, I usually end up in the middle, wrapped in the duvet.  That wasn’t a problem when I was young and slim and living in a hot country and he didn’t want the sheet and used it to roll me over; but now…poor bloke; no wonder he’s got a back problem.

Because, of course, it’s not just the bed I hog; it’s the duvet.  I am a woman, after all; despite what my children think.

Duvets are a common cause of hostilities in most marriages: who gets how much being the obvious fight.  But a more covert battle is often waged over what thickness the duvet should be: a 4.5 tog being the thickest he’s prepared to tolerate, no matter how much it’s snowing outside; a 13 tog being my minimum requirement during summer and two of them, at least, in winter.

Him: I’m a hot-blooded male, you frigid swear word!  I need to let me bits breathe.

Her: Of course I’m freezing, you swear word; you only let me have three duvets tonight!  Oh, you said ‘frigid’?  I couldn’t hear you over my chattering teeth. That’s an argument for tomorrow, if I haven’t frozen to death in my bed.  Turn the heating up.  I hate August in England. 

Now, however, spurred on by right-wing governments and to the chagrin of divorce lawyers everywhere, scientists have come up with a simple plan to keep the Hub trapped:

[A]n invention has gone on sale that promises to end duvet wars for good.

Bedding experts at John Lewis have designed a
split-warmth quilt that is thicker on one side than the other.

It means cold fishes can snuggle down under the cosier
side, while their hot-blooded partners who regularly throw off the covers can choose the lighter option.

The article in the Johannesburg broadsheet, The Star (I always have to point that out in case anyone mistakenly thinks I read the execrable British tabloid of the same name) goes on to say:

Almost half of those questioned by the Sleep Council said snoring topped the list of complaints, but “hogging the bedclothes” came a close second.

I hope they don’t find a cure for snoring too quickly: if they take away my duvet, how else can I punish the Hub in my sleep?

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