Archive | October, 2011

CoWApunhere

31 Oct

I prepare to award the CoWAbunger by c+p comments I particularly like into draft posts.  I had two CoWA drafts and therefore two possible winners of this week’s award.  When I have more than one draft  it’s hard to make a decision, but this week it was easy – both comments came from the same person.  Those are the kind of tough choices I like making.  The theme of two is apt, because she is known both as Bluebee and BeeBlue.

Whatever she’s called, she wins for her sagacious perspicacity and wisdom:

 I think it’s time Maltesers sponsored this site

This post

and for combining in one comment a pun and a pleasing image of me as a woman on the edge:

That DVT is clearly HAIRY stuff but we’d be bereft if you gave up living dangerously

This post

Congratulations Bleebuel!  Here’s your award:

I Am Number 3,226,610,530

31 Oct

 

World population

Image by Arenamontanus via Flickr

The world’s population is expected to reach 7 BILLION today.  To put us in our place, the BBC have given us a calculator that, using our birth dates, will tell us what number of the current population we are.

There’s mine, at the top.  I bet Number Six isn’t complaining now; at least people will remember him; try looking up 3226610530 in the phone book and see how quickly you become a minus number. 

More people were born after me than were born before me.  I find that depressing.

In the grand scheme of things, however, I am the 77,046,364,608th person to have lived since history began, which means I avoided Roman slavery, The Spanish Inquisition and George Formby.  There’s always a silver lining.

The site also tells me that I will live 4.3 years longer than the Hub.  Yeah! for the not expiring too soon, but what on earth will I do for head rubs?

I was on the site for about ten minutes.  In that time the population grew by 2,159.  All I can say is, Condoms, people!  Condoms!

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Joke 221

31 Oct

What did Cinderella say when she left the photo store?

‘Someday my prints will come…’

WordPress Prompts Catch-Up

30 Oct
William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

Image via Wikipedia

 

Do you think Shakespeare existed?

Yes.

But does it matter?  It doesn’t make any difference who wrote the plays: the words are all that count.

Bill, I’ve got your back.

 *

What makes someone beautiful?

An offer to clean my house in one hand and a bag of Maltesers in the other.

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Where is the most relaxing place in your world?

Underneath the Hub’s hand as he strokes my hair.  I’m out before he can shout, ‘Shut up and go to sleep, will you!’  (His alternative method of inducing repose in his beloved consort.)

*

Have you ever had to fire someone?

No, but I was once tempted to stick a catherine wheel where the Hub’s sun don’t shine. 

I say ‘once’… 

*

Whirl-fire

Image by Loving Earth via Flickr

Do you like surprises?

Yes, and if anyone wants to throw me a surprise birthday party when I turn fifty, I promise to enjoy it.

*

How do you know when it’s time to go?

I get a little damp patch around my lower-middle area.

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Joke 220

30 Oct

Thanks to Beeblu for this one.  It’s one of my favourites so far.

A group of girlfriends, aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there were handsome, with tight pants and nice bums. 

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean. 

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator. 

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.  Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before. 

Noah’s Ark: Was That Today?

29 Oct

Some searches that found my blog:

 

If You Have To Ask The Question, You’re In Trouble

  • what can i have my husband do today
  • why wont my dog listen to me
  • noah’s ark was that today

 

I Want These

  • talking cupcake
  • fairies in your hair
  • housewives valium
  • brad pitt warning signs

I Don’t Want These

  • horrible smiles
  • crap christmas tree
  • cat box of hamster gerbil

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And The Award For Stupidest Complaint Of The Year Goes To…

  • i gave birth and now i have to do nappies

 

The Sicko Parade

  • knickerless can can
  • ladies in the bath
  • knobhead cartoon
  • yoda from behind 

I Wish I’d Thought Of That

  • pilfer-proof toilet paper
  • cartoon muffins

We’d All Like To Know About This

  • was bullseyes star prize a fix
  • my new ugly boyfriend

 

The Mind Boggles

  • sharks friendship
  • cement the frog cartoon

Two Old Favourites

  • one direction socks
  • what really happened to gaddafi – 291 people in the last month seemed to think I was in on the secret

Is There Any Other Kind?

  • dead drunk housewives
  • cartoon animals who like food and wine
  • mean husbands
  • dirty ugly frogs
  • housewife with dementia
  • funny buttocks
  • marriage fighting
  • farting bum
  • marriage joke
  • “preaching pyramid” cook

If You’re Expecting These, You’re In The Wrong Blog

  • home hygiene
  • teenager talking to a parent
  • breeding a housewife

 

Vindicated!

  • scousers don’t take your tyres

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Go here for more Six Word Saturdays:

Joke 219

29 Oct

My son wanted a scooter.

When I told him they are too dangerous, he moped around the house.

The Value Of Not Blogging

28 Oct
A deep vein thrombosis of the right leg. Note ...

Image via Wikipedia

 

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You may not have noticed, but I haven’t blogged today.  In which case, why didn’t you notice?

Hurt pride aside, it has done my body some good.  We bought a nearly new computer chair at auction to replace the old one, which gave me backache.  First time we used it and adjusted it for comfort, it dropped to knee height and stayed there, so we type in a crouched position until finances permit us to buy a chair that works.

It’s rather like sitting in economy, with elbows and knees up round your ears.  As I spend most mornings at the computer, I have developed the achingest legs outside of a Ryanair flight and I suspect I am at serious risk of developing deep vein thrombosis.  So I gave myself the day off and spent most of it stretched on the couch, to ease my legs, reading a good book, for no reason at all.

I took ninety minutes out to walk the dogs and now I am going to make dinner, if shoving frozen pizza in the oven counts as making dinner; and then I will stretch on the couch to finish my book, before retiring to bed to stretch my legs some more.

I could really get used to not blogging.

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Joke 218

28 Oct

Thanks to Pseu for this one.

A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with four mothers. “You all have obsessions.”

To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating and even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom. “Your obsession is with money; that’s why you named your child Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom. “Your obsession is alcohol and you named your child Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”

Virgin United

27 Oct

I hesitated to use today’s title because of the weird searches it will attract to my blog.  For all of five seconds.  Think of the weird searches it will attract to my blog!

Manchester City FC

Image by scaryredhair via Flickr

Some background information is necessary for many of you to comprehend today’s post.

1) Richard Branson must be a United fan.  He lives in London; that was my first clue.

2) I support Manchester City football club.  I was an Evertonian by birth but the Hub made me convert on marriage, and there’s no zealot like a convert: I am unashamed in my bias.

3) Our arch rivals are Manchester United, a team that resides in the City of Salford, not Manchester – hence the number of United fans who don’t come from Manchester (are you listening, Irish Tinman?). 

If you are American, think of the intense rivalry between the Chicago Bulls and the Chicago White Sox and you’ll get an idea of what I’m talking about – two teams playing in different leagues.  For years we have been the poor relations but that is changing: a very nice and supremely rich man, Sheikh Mansour, kindly made us the richest football team in the world; bought us a manager who has won silverware at every club he has ever managed (now including us; thank you, O The Great Mancini); and fabulous players who wouldn’t have considered us a few short seasons ago.  Money buys success: who’d have thunk it?

But I digress.

4) It was Derby Day last Sunday: City trounced United 6 – 1 at home.  Their home.  It’s like someone walked in, bashed the wife about, got the kids to lick his slippers and ate the man of the house’s chicken dinner.  Pretty nasty.  Tee hee.

I wasn’t going to mention it, despite Tinman’s masterful explanation of what went wrong, which deserves a big audience (I couldn’t give him this week’s CoWAbunger because that would have seemed like I was gloating about his miserable team’s pitiful performance and I would never do that, even though they were rubbish and we played them off the park):

BTW, tell the Hub that seven of your six goals were offside, you started the game with eighteen players, the goal was wider at the end we were defending and, thanks to a bizarre sponsorship deal, our players were forced to play wearing deep-sea diver’s boots.

But now I have to mention it because of something weird that happened last night: Richard Branson was clearly out for revenge.

5) City played Wolves.  The match was on the telly…only…it wasn’t…

  • The game was due to start at 19:45. 
  • At 19:40 we lost the signal. 
  • As well as our telephone and internet.
  • Virgin provide our tv, telephone and internet.
  • We were cut off from civilisation.
  • The Hub got on his Pay As You Go mobile to Virgin.
  • He was put on a thirty minute hold, at least.  To compensate for the long wait, Virgin now give you an option to choose your irritating muzak: Press 1 for pop.  Press 2 for urban.  Press 5 for classical. 
  • Seriously?
  • He gave up before his money ran out and dug out the transistor radio instead.
  • Thus it was that the Hub, Spud’s loaner Granddad and three teenage boys listened to City beat Wolves 5 – 2 huddled around an old radio.  It was like being back in Division 2. 
  • The match finished.
  • One minute later…the tv, internet and phone came back on.

Don’t tell me Richard Branson’s not a Red.

Image via Wikipedia

Joke 217

27 Oct

Thanks to Every day I see a cow for this one.

The economy is so bad that:

  • I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
  • CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
  • Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
  • Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. 
  • A picture is now only worth 200 words.

 

Untitled Re-Told

26 Oct

 

Life on Mars Exhibition - Saturday 4th October

Image by Gene Hunt via Flickr

There is NOTHING going on in my life at the moment, and I have struggled all week to find something of interest to write about.  Today, I’ve had to resort to re-blogging an old post.  Like on the telly, however, this is not a repeat, but a re-telling, brushed up to look good and fresh and new.  Sadly, I don’t have any talking heads to pad out the dull bits; but feel free to talk amongst yourselves.

Spud and I visited Stockport Art Gallery. I don’t mind art. I’m not over-fussed about it, but I like to look at it occasionally. 

We have a fair bit of original art in the house because the Hub loves it. We had only been married a year or so when he bought our first two paintings at the Rand Show in Joburg. We got them on Hire Purchase: remember that? For those of you under a certain age, it was old-fashioned credit, long before plastic.  We also rented our video machine. Can you imagine it? It wasn’t that long ago, either; about 1986.  I guess those of you still under that certain age are now asking, What’s a video?

We even went into art galleries on our honeymoon in Cape Town, which reminds me of the biggest waste of money I have ever spent.  I know I have told this story before but I still feel enraged, twenty-six years on. 

Scene: a small gallery of modern art.  Entrance fee: 10 cents each.  Exhibits: everything was called Untitled.  Presumably because they defied description. Utter garbage – also what some of the exhibits were made of.  Twenty-six years, five months and three weeks later, I still begrudge that 20c.

An artist friend of mine explained to me that ‘modern’ or ‘conceptual’ artists will all have had formal training – the example she gave me was Picasso, which put my nose out a little – but they feel the need to experiment with form. That’s all very well, but don’t charge me an exorbitant 20c for it. To be fair (if I must), I like to play around with poetic form myself so I understand where they are coming from, but I really don’t get why an unmade bed with leftover food, yucky personal stains and other detritus counts as art. If that’s the case, tell Charles Saatchi to come round here and he can have My Bed for two hundred quid plus an entrance fee of 20c.

I do like a good sculpture.  Weirdly, however, I don’t like ornaments. Of course, I don’t have any sculptures in my house so I don’t have to dust them; I might change my mind if I did. I like those Liverpool Yellow Banana animals in particular.  Talking of Liverpool and art (don’t laugh), my favourite painting in all the world is in the Walker Art Gallery: When Did You Last See Your Father? I was about eleven and my Dad brought home some art prints, and WDYLSYF? was one of them. I was heavily into the Stuarts at the time, so I loved it. 

I didn’t know anything about the painting until the day I was in the Walker Gallery with Spud, killing time waiting for a train home after watching Joseph and His Amazing Technicoloured Dreamcoat at the Liverpool Empire Theatre (a Christmas present from the Hub, the most wonderful gift-giver in all the world); I turned a corner, and there it was, massive, beautiful, a real work of art. 

By the way, I know people claim to hate Andrew Lloyd Webber as much as I hate ‘modern’ art, but I don’t care: I love his musicals. While I’m at it, I might as well confess that I am an unashamed and unabashed Abba fan, being the one teenager in Runcorn to not only buy but also to display a poster of them on my bedroom wall. Those of you recoiling in disgust may leave the room.

Another of my favourite paintings is one we have of Tory Boy as a three-year old.

The Hub commissioned it for my Mum’s fiftieth birthday. He also commissioned the same artist (Theo Coetzee) to paint a portrait of his parents on their wedding day, from a photograph, for their Golden Wedding anniversary. 
 

The Hub commissioned this one from Theo (by this time we were on first name terms) as a Christmas present for me (told you, didn’t I?), because cosmos is my favourite flower:

As I said, the Hub likes art. He enjoys painting, but he feels he has no talent. I am a philistine so I can’t judge, but I like his stuff. He doesn’t paint now, though, as we live in a small house and things not in use have to be packed away. Because of the ME/CFS, by the time he gets his stuff out, he’s too exhausted to do anything with it, so he doesn’t bother anymore. Hope is in sight, however: we have three bedrooms and as soon as we offload the boys onto a couple of unsuspecting girls, we will have a room each to do our own thing: he can paint and do his aeroplane geek stuff and I can write scurrilous experimental poems on why Tracey Emin should be dusting ornaments for a living.

Joke 216

26 Oct

Thanks to Michelle in South Africa for this one.

My mate’s wife left him last Thursday; she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping and he said, “Not bad, I’ve been using that powdered stuff.”

 

Dog Quotes

25 Oct

“Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.”
— Dave Barry

“In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.”
— Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

“You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.”
— Nora Ephron

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
— Robert A. Heinlein

“Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.”
— Gene Hill

“To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.”
— Aldous Huxley

“Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.”
— Holbrook Jackson

“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.”
— Ben Williams

“Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.”
— Unknown

A TV Curiosity

25 Oct

Laura Ingalls has weird hair – despite being in braids all day long, when she goes to bed and wears it loose, there’s not a crinkle in sight.  How is that possible?  Is there something in the pioneer air?

 

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