I Don’t Like To Speak Ill Of The Dead…

12 Oct
View From Cheadle End.
Image via Wikipedia

…but I’m gonna.

You remember I won two tickets to a comedy night?  I went.  Friday.  The day the comedy died.

I learned that Stockport County/Sale’s ground, Edgeley Park, has been hosting regular comedy nights for at least one week.  Tickets are £15 per head, for buffet, comedy, disco.

That’s what they claimed, anyway.

It started at seven, prompt.  We got there at seven, prompt.  Apparently, we were the only people in Stockport who understood the concept of ‘prompt’.  We were the only people in that room for almost forty-five minutes, apart from the dj (still setting up), MC (still setting up) and bar staff (they were ready, of course).

We were amongst ten winners of the competition, courtesy of ImagineFM, and we had a table to ourselves.  The winners, that is.  Except, none of the other winners showed up.  We – the Hub and I – had a table for ten to ourselves.  Talk about Billy and Betty No Mates.

By eight o’clock the dj, at least, was ready.  He had asked for requests when it was just us in the room; we said anything from the Eighties, and he gave us everything from the Eighties.  That kept us there until the food arrived.

Ah, the food.  What is your idea of a buffet?  A varied selection of edibles, savoury and sweet?  Mine too.  Try chicken curry and vegetable curry with naan bread.  I did; the Hub didn’t; he dislikes curry.  There was nothing else.  No puddings.  N.o. p.u.d.d.i.n.g.s.  No puddings.  Can you believe there were no puddings?  Unless you count the organiser.

By this time it was eight-thirty and the Hub, who really does love me very much, had accepted there was no way he was going to catch the England game now.  We spend most of our days together so we had exhausted our conversation by seven-ten.  It was time to bring out the pen and paper.  There we were, out for the first time in maybe sixteen years on a Friday night, playing hangman. 

My first one for him was: This is a shambles of a night out, which he got without even one stick of the hangman’s gallows; and without playing it the proper way, starting with the vowels.  Freak.  His first one for me was: BollocksWho can blame him?  He loves me enough to give up an England game.  But not enough to give up a City game, I’m betting.

At last the comedy started.  The Hub told me to write down the names of the advertised up-and-coming stars of comedy, in case they were famous one day.  That was a waste of good ink.  The MC arrived in a smart shirt and trousers but changed into quasi-lumberjack gear.  He was amusing in parts; claimed he was a mental health nurse by trade; and made fun of his patients.  Not funny.  Though it was fun to watch him at a loss for words when he asked if we were all having a good time, Yes! (the half-cut audience; not us); and wasn’t the food great? No! (the half-cut audience and us).  Once he’d caught his breath he asked why?  No puddings! was the universal cry.  This was a northern English audience, after all. 

The warm-up act was so Irish, the few words I could make out all seemed to be the same: feckin’; though he was the funniest of the lot, particularly when he heckled the audience before they could heckle him. 

The headline act should have hung his headline in shame.  Not funny, not funny, not funny.  We seemed to be the only people who felt that way, however, as the whole-cut audience were screaming with laughter at…well, you tell me; I have no recollection of anything he said between nervous gulps of his ale.  Each of those gulps necessitated a long walk to the windowsill where he kept his glass, and back to the floor.  That’s how he stretched thin material even thinner; he had maybe five minutes’ worth of ‘jokes’ in a twenty-minute slot.  To add to his sins, he gave out the final England score, making the Hub’s taping of the match a waste of time.

We didn’t hang around for the disco.  My verdict: thanks, ImagineFM, but Edgeley Park really shouldn’t do comedy.  Ever.

50 Responses to “I Don’t Like To Speak Ill Of The Dead…”

  1. vivinfrance October 12, 2011 at 12:08 #

    What a wonderful anti-review. I take it you won’t be going again then! Sorry you had such a rotten evening. The punctuality thing sounds awfully French (except for trains). A concert we went to in the summer was like that and I wrote a long poem on the back of the programme, my cheque book and a few till receipts while waiting. Aprizegiving poetry reading was so long starting that I gave up and went home without hearing a line!

    Like

    • Tilly Bud October 13, 2011 at 10:43 #

      lol! We almost left a couple of times but then it would look as if it was about to start, then nothing. We are optimists by nature and not prepared to give up too easily. More fool us 🙂

      Like

  2. SammyDee October 12, 2011 at 12:32 #

    Ooooh, that did not sound good! Manchester Comedy Festival starts next week – perhaps you;ll hear something funnier then? I often get free tickets to The Frog and Bucket on Oldham Street in Manchester. They say 7 pm prompt too but in my experience most people turn up at around 8 pm despite the show supposedly starting then.

    If you’d like I’ll try to put some free Frog and Bucket tickets your way? (Thursday nights, usually). There’s no free buffet but at least the acts are usually funny!

    Like

    • Tilly Bud October 13, 2011 at 10:45 #

      That’s awfully kind of you! Thank you 🙂 I won’t take you up on it just yet because the Hub won’t be going anywhere for a while; but perhaps in the future? Thank you, Sammy Dee.

      Like

  3. granny1947 October 12, 2011 at 12:47 #

    So you won the booby prize then?????

    Like

  4. cliffjim7 October 12, 2011 at 12:52 #

    The only joke at Edgeley Park is the football teams results. x

    Like

  5. mairedubhtx October 12, 2011 at 13:25 #

    And you won this? This was a prize?

    Like

    • Tilly Bud October 13, 2011 at 11:01 #

      It was worse for other people – they paid for their tickets 🙂

      Like

  6. nrhatch October 12, 2011 at 13:55 #

    Aww . . . that’s sad. The buffet doesn’t sound like much of a buffet.

    Maybe this will cheer you up:

    Knock. Knock.
    Who’s there?
    Boo
    Boo Who
    Don’t cry . . . it’s only a joke. 😛

    Like

  7. petradragon October 12, 2011 at 14:14 #

    You stayed that long why?! Life is simply too short to waste it. Are you sure it wasn’t a scam and they were going to sell you time shares at the end, which you might well buy in sheer desperation!

    Like

    • Tilly Bud October 13, 2011 at 10:59 #

      No, it was a genuine comedy night. Well, a genuine night. We stayed because we don’t like wasting our time. Seems daft even as I write it 🙂

      Like

  8. earlybird October 12, 2011 at 14:55 #

    Sounds like a pretty dire night out but, hey! you got an amusing post out of it so all was not lost!

    Like

  9. gigihawaii October 12, 2011 at 15:51 #

    Hey, that dinner sounded delicious! I love curry and naan bread!! And you didn’t stay for the disco? I loooove to dance!!! But, yeah, those so-called comedians must have been so boring. Not worth the effort.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud October 13, 2011 at 10:58 #

      It was bland, to be honest; and there was nothing else for those who don’t like curry. My main complaint is that it wasn’t a buffet, as advertised.

      Like

  10. misswhiplash October 12, 2011 at 15:53 #

    \sorry that you and Hub had such a miserable evening. Why didn’t you complain I thought that was what the Northern Circuit was all about.

    Still as Earlybird says.. you got a good post out of it

    Like

    • Tilly Bud October 13, 2011 at 10:57 #

      I couldn’t complain as I didn’t pay for it 😦

      Like

  11. Pseu October 12, 2011 at 18:18 #

    ‘We were amongst ten winners of the competition’ – how did you ‘win’? Maybe it should’ve been open mike and you could’ve contributed….

    Like

    • Tilly Bud October 13, 2011 at 10:56 #

      ImagineFM said on twitter to like their FB page and answer a simple question. I wasn’t the first to answer but I did add a smiley face; I think that tipped it in my favour.

      Like

      • Pseu October 14, 2011 at 17:12 #

        simples

        Like

  12. slpmartin October 12, 2011 at 18:24 #

    Oh…my ..what a horrible evening…your husband does truly love you..the last time I had that much fun(not) was when I went to a “free” breakfast in Mexico where they tried to sell me time in a time-share complex.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud October 13, 2011 at 10:54 #

      Oh no… Mexico? Lots of Brits get married there. Maybe you should have signed up and rented it out to wedding families from the UK.

      Like

  13. kateshrewsday October 12, 2011 at 18:58 #

    Oh, Tilly, I can just see you there playing hangman at a vast empty table waiting for the laughs which never came….if I’m ever in the area I’ll be sure to give it a miss.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud October 13, 2011 at 10:53 #

      Come here: we’ll make you laugh. And we play a mean game of I Spy, as well 🙂

      Like

  14. Gobetween October 12, 2011 at 19:02 #

    I’d want pudding too. From now on you don’t leave the house without a supply of Maltesers in your bag – for emergencies of course 😀

    Like

  15. SchmidleysScribbling October 12, 2011 at 19:22 #

    I love puddings, especially English puddings. I have a recipe my mother gave me that was handed down from her great-grandmother who came from the Netherlands. Their last name was Inglesman, which my friend who is an expert on names says means Englishman in Dutch. He is wrong of course, the Ingles were a tribe who loved puddings and settled in England after they left the Netherlands owing to lack of enthusism for pudding. They returned after Tilly said she was not going to be funny anymore, and gave my grandmother the recipe for pudding. Now you know what happened to the pudding.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud October 13, 2011 at 10:50 #

      😀 😀 😀

      You have to share that recipe! You can’t torment us like this 🙂

      Like

  16. barb19 October 12, 2011 at 21:05 #

    Look at it this way Tilly – you made something positive out of a negative – that’s always a good thing, right? Great post!

    Like

    • Tilly Bud October 13, 2011 at 10:49 #

      Always! You sound like my husband: that’s his mantra 🙂

      Like

  17. Yulia October 13, 2011 at 03:10 #

    No pudding.. Sounds not really good.. but at least you are the winner, Tilly 🙂 Cheer up

    Yulia
    http://www.mylifeismyrainbow.wordpress.com

    Like

  18. Lorna's Voice October 13, 2011 at 11:54 #

    The Buddha said that the source of all suffering is expectation. The Lorna says suffering increases when you pay for the expectation. 😉

    Like

  19. Tom (Aquatom1968) October 13, 2011 at 20:39 #

    Tilly, it could have been worse. Erm… somehow… it’ll seem even funnier in a few weeks…

    Like

    • Tilly Bud October 14, 2011 at 16:39 #

      And if it does, count on me to squeeze another post out of it 🙂

      Like

  20. Perfecting Motherhood October 14, 2011 at 07:28 #

    You’re a very patient woman for staying there for so long when the entertainment was so bad.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud October 14, 2011 at 16:39 #

      Or stupid… 🙂

      Like

      • Perfecting Motherhood October 14, 2011 at 18:46 #

        Ouch! Your words, not mine. 😉
        I always think bad experiences help us appreciate what we have around us that’s actually OK. It puts everything in perspective.

        Like

        • Tilly Bud October 15, 2011 at 11:31 #

          I always try to see them as opportunities for laughter.

          Like

  21. ElizOF October 14, 2011 at 09:21 #

    Sounds very frustrating and annoying to me… Pity they didn’t do a good job and presented a lousy show. 😦

    Like

  22. Pearl October 14, 2011 at 16:52 #

    The key to building up the confidence of beginning stand-up comics (who seem to often have problems in that area) is to open the bar way early so people are so drunk that they think doors are hilarious. The headliners can be hit and miss. Near us there’s an amateur night of open mic stand up. I can’t imagine….

    Like

    • Tilly Bud October 14, 2011 at 16:53 #

      Now that makes a lot of sense. I’m so glad I didn’t heckle him 🙂

      Like

  23. sarsm October 18, 2011 at 21:37 #

    You should write to ImagineFM and ask for maltesers (in bulk) as compensation.

    Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Life Hand You Lemons? Write About It! « Spirit Lights The Way - October 13, 2011

    […] * transform a funereal comedy show into belated laughter ~ I Don’t Like to Speak Ill of the Dead. […]

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  2. Ticket to Comedy Night with Drink and Pizza | 4 Real Cheap - October 13, 2011

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I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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