Here’s a new departure for this blog: I am going to ask for your help, but this time I’m willing to pay for it – just one of you, mind! And only because it’s Christmas.
I need CLEAN Christmas jokes and/or cartoons.
That’s it.
Leave them in the comments section of this post until next Saturday. The one I judge the funniest will win the prize of…here’s the kicker…a box of Maltesers. A SMALL box, of course. 
I will post them to anywhere in the world, providing you give me a contact address when I ask for it.
The winning joke/cartoon will be the one that makes me laugh loudest. Any jokes or cartoons I use for the December daily joke post will have the source acknowledged i.e. I’ll mention your blog and/or name.
Go ahead. Make my Christmas day.
The Laughing Housewife 
Two snowmen were in a garden and one said to the other “can you smell carrots?”
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Oh shame, I’ve already got that one 😦
Nice try.
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sending a box of Maltesers will probably cost more in postage than the Maltesers, but it sounds yummy!
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That’s okay, I am the soul of generosity; sea mail only takes six weeks.
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I don’t have any stories to add, but I enjoyed your cartoons.
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Music to my ears 🙂 Glad to see you back, Grannymar.
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Did you hear about the Father Christmas who went around leaving little clues for everyone?
Santa Clues
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And his helpers? Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
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Which Santa asks, ‘does your dog bite?’
Santa Clueso
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Loved the first two jokes XD,
but Santa Clueso? That would need more explaining. I didn’t get that one… 😛
😀
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What about an explanation? I thought I’d added one…. but it’s not here!
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Funny! I’ve never seen that 😀 Thanks.
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(did you delete an explanation or did I not post one? !!)
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Wow! You have very creative commenters. Alas! I’m not one of them. I don’t know a single Christmas joke. Ahhh.. remember my post about forgetting things? That’s my problem.
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Never mind! If you come across one on your blog travels this week, you have until Saturday to post it.
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Ho~Ho~Ho Merry . . .
Maltesers?!
EXTRA! EXTRA! Read all about it. Laughing Housewive trades Maltesers for BrainTeasers!
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If the prize was for fun rhymes, you would be the runaway winner. 🙂
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Comment on the third picture:
Santa in the ‘repo’ business? Teaming up with elves?
I clicked the picture and it said on the website:
“Repo is short for ‘repossession’ and a ‘repo man’ is a person employed by a finance company or similar lender to repossess property which is the security for a loan. As this video explains,
the repo business is one of the few bright spots in the current economic crisis.”
XD
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That’s rather worrying 😦
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I know this isn’t the time or the place. I have no self control. I have only one joke. It happens to be a christmas joke, by virtue of the fact it involves the Messiah’s transport arrangements.
Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A: Wonky.
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😀
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I’m hopeless at jokes, but look forward to reading the entries (love that last cartoon :-D)
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Just trawl the net and see what you can find 🙂
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How do you wish a sheep a happy Christmas?
-A very happy Christmas to ewe.
How do you wish a sheep a happy Christmas in Spanish?
-Fleece Navidad.
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🙂
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Check out this Christmas card on Zazzle, it’s pretty funny!
http://www.zazzle.co.uk/never_give_a_cow_a_giant_straw_for_christmas_card-137406479418181044
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How very amoozing
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And rather frightening… 😀
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Why did Mary feed the baby condensed milk?
Cause he was the incarnation.
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😀 🙂
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this animated cartoon about Santa trying to make a Snow Angel is too funny!
Poor Santa — too many Maltesers?
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Good one 🙂
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A friends daughter was visiting from England a week a go and verified that your Malteser’s are MY Malted Milk Balls….no wonder you LOVE them. A woman of refined taste. The photo of the box of Malteser’s reminded me to tell you I’ll never eat another MM Ball without thinking of you…mmm mmm good.
Peace
Siggi in Downeast Maine
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😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀
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I love the dog talking to the cat….full bodied taste of toilet bowl … .love it.
Siggi in Downeast Maine
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oops … it’s another dog ! sorry…still love it. Siggi in Maine
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Have another Malted Ball.
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It was the doctor’s last appointment on Christmas Eve.
A mother came in with her young daughter and asked if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms, including a weight gain, morning sickness and cravings.
The doctor checked her over carefully and then announced that the girl was definitely pregnant.
The mother said, ‘Don’t be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man.’
The girl was in tears by now, and added that she was sweet sixteen and never even been kissed.
The doctor walked to the window and stared out of it, studying the night sky.
“What are we going to do?” wailed the mother. Then noticing the doctor’s stillness and concentration she said, “Doctor? What’s wrong?”
“Well,” he said, “I’m just checking the stars. It might just be a coincidence, but the last time this happened a new bright star appeared the East.”
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😀 😀
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Mary and Joseph published a child rearing guide online. You’ll find it classed as an e-manual.
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Took me a minute… 🙂
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It always struck me that those Three Wise Men weren’t very wise, actually. I mean gold frankincense and myrrh -? Not a lot of practical use were they to a poor destitute family? I know they could sell them…. but what Mary needed really was three wise women with thick warm blankets, a supply of nutritious casseroles (so you won’t have to think about cooking, dear) and a useful supply of helpful advice.
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Were you a social worker in another life?
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Hahaha!
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The Christmas Fairies
Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the Christmas fairies. They spent most of their time practising sitting on top of the Christmas trees. There was just one rule they had to stick to… it was strictly forbidden for a fairy to kiss anyone!
The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy.
One day Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said, ‘Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!’
Harry the Hare was shocked. ‘Father Christmas doesn’t allow it!’ he gasped. ‘Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight away into Goon!’
But Floella tickled his ears – just the way hares love and whispered, ‘Don’t worry, we won’t get caught!’
Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no-one was looking… and kissed Floella the fairy!
Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind. Through the magic of the Christmas Tree Forest Harry the Hare found himself in the court of Father Christmas!
And Father Christmas was furious! ‘Harry the Hare! You have been found guilty of kissing a forest fairy! Have you anything to say?’
‘I never meant to!’ Harry the Hare snivelled. ‘If you let me off I promise I’ll never do it again… just please, please!!! PLEASE!!! don’t turn me into a Goon!’
Father Christmas took pity on the pathetic creature and said, ‘I’ll give you one more chance…just one more!’
Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!! of wind. Harry the Hare found himself back in the forest. And there, combing her hair on a toadstool was Floella the Fairy.
‘Hiya, handsome,’ she whispered. ‘Give us a kiss!’
Harry the Hare was horrified! Certainly not!’ he cried. But when she tickled his ears his legs turned to jelly and he started to tremble.
‘Oooh! No! I’ll be turned into a Goon!
‘For one little kiss from me it’s worth it!’ Floella murmured.
And Harry the Hare gave in. He kissed the fairy.
Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind. Once again Harry the Hare found himself in front of the furious Father Christmas!
‘You fooish hare!’ Father Christmas roared. ‘You have had your chance! Guards! Take him away – turn him into a Goon tomorrow!’
Harry the Hare hung his head and let himself be led away. As he reached the door of the court he turned to all the gnomes and forest creatures and said tearfully…
‘Ah, well, that’s life! Hare today…and Goon Tomorrow
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Sorry no Christmas joke from my corner of the gallery but I hope a Malteser lover wins… 🙂
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Cool. Good luck on this one. Cheers to your generosity! Happy Holidays! 🙂
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Where does father Christmas bank?
Santa’n’deer.
Where do reindeer go to retire?
Santa Crews
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ha ha this cheers me up no end. love it. warmest wishes. lonely m xx
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And to you!
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Most of these Christmas jokes are pure groaners – except for “Does Your Dog Bite?” Only because Clouseau is completely hilarious (Peter Sellers – not Steve Martin). Santa Clouseau is beyond my range of possibilities, either. Anyway, I can identify with you, Tilly. Since I started “Friday Funnies” on my blog, I’ve found clean jokes are hard to come by. Good luck!
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Thanks, and thanks for stopping by 🙂
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When I lived in New Zealand I used to have a little cartoon on my notice board: it was Santa standing looking quizzically at a sleigh where there were several reindeer facing forwards but one at the back facing backwards… the caption was the first reindeer the telling Santa:
“oh him? … He’s reverse!”
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Good one!
What are you doing way back in 2011? 🙂
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What is Santa’s favourite pizza?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even.
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Hehehe!
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