Archive | 16:49

Happy Birthday Debbie!

1 Jan
I am saying nothing about interesting dates this year (if I made resolutions, that would be number one), but I do have to mention that Debbie in London is 44 today.
My Photo

44 is an interesting number. 

Not really; I have to say that to convince you to read on.

  • It is a band, +44.  They have a song called When Your Heart Stops Beating, but I don’t think Debbie is ready to hear that yet, especially on her birthday; I’ll try another song of theirs, to Make You Smile.
  • 44 are the first two digits in any telephone call to Britain from the rest of the world.  Call me.
  • The movie Cowboys & Aliens got a Rotten Tomato rating of 44%.  I have no idea what that means.
  • 4400 people were turfed out of an alien spaceship on Sky TV once, having been abducted over about fifty years.  I’d tell you about it but I was bored by the end of the first series and never cared enough to find out why.  Hope that doesn’t happen to Debbie; it would spoil her birthday party.
  • There is a £44 supplement for an extra night with Mercure Auckland if you extend your Australia trip to New Zealand for 1 or 3 nights.  I spend too much time on the internet.

Debbie told me she was born on ‘January 1st, like the racehorses. My Mum had a terrific New Year’s Eve as you can imagine.’  If her Mum was in a hospital with racehorses, I imagine she did have a terrific New Year’s Eve.

Debbie also told me, ‘If you write me a poem, I will not appreciate the fact that Deb rhymes with pleb. Just so you know.’ 

Deb, Deb, Deb…you should know better than to hand me a loaded gun.


A Birthday Poem For Deb

Deb knows a girl
who spends too much time on the web. 
What a pleb. 

Not Deb: the girl
who lets her thoughts unfurl
like a sausage curl. 

It makes Deb want to hurl.

Happy 44th birthday, Deb!

WordPress Falls At The Last Hurdle

1 Jan



Image by Adriano Gasparri via Flickr


I was going to write a post about how great WordPress is.   How they are always updating the blogs to make them more user-friendly; how the techies solve most problems fairly quickly and – more to the point – politely; how they are always adding useful little features; and taking them away again when we all complain loud and long about how we hate them. 

That was my intention, especially after reading Worth Doing Badly and noting that Tinman went all mushy on us and said uncharacteristically nice things about WordPress.  I thought, if you can’t beat them, be nice to them: if they can take down Tinman, they can take down anyone.  So I prepared a post in praise of WordPress prompts.  I say ‘prepared’.  I mean, thought A post in praise of WordPress prompts might be good.  Because I have enjoyed the postaday2011 prompts.  I know you have all complained at how stupid many of them were, but that was the point: I made merciless fun of them, and enjoyed every single one.  That’s why I thought it would be nice to say so.

But then WordPress made a fatal error…they sent me my yearly stats.

I like stats.  Stats tell me how I’m doing; they tell me what you like (laughing); what you don’t like (not much; you’re easily pleased). 

Stats tell me how many visitors I’ve had this year: about 75,000. 

This blog was viewed about 75,000 times in 2011. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 3 days for that many people to see it.

WAIT!  Not ‘about 75,000’ at all!   EXACTLY 87,639.  I calculate you owe me half a day at the Louvre Museum, WordPress.  I might have missed the Mona Lisa thanks to your wonky maths.  Though, with a face like that, does anyone really miss the Mona Lisa?  She’s a bit smug, isn’t she? 

Mona Lisa face 800x800px

Image via Wikipedia


They then tell me I wrote 826 new posts.  Cough.  Try 883.  385 photos were uploaded.  I’ll take their word for it, because words are my business, not pictures.

But here is where I lost it:

The busiest day of the year was December 6th with 455 views.

I knew THAT was wrong – I have fifteen other days with higher, sometimes much higher, and in one case, well over double higher, hits.  I may have stomped on the desk a bit when I read that part.

Finally, to rub salt into my festering soul, WordPress told me that:

Some of your most popular posts were written before 2011.

So, not content with underselling me on my statistics, they tell me my best work is behind me.

Be warned, WordPress, I’m watching you.  (I hope you’re not watching me)


So, what can you expect in 2012? 

Jokes, naturally.  Lots about me, and how I feel, and what I think, and how wonderful I am, naturally.  Occasional mentions of my family, prat falls in particular.  Naturally.  Same old, same old.  It feels natural to me.

Happy New Year, and thanks for making my stats comparable to a famous French tourist site.

I’ll leave you with a quote, in case you are new here:

A sense of humor… is needed armor. Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.
Hugh Sidey


Joke 283

1 Jan

New Year Resolutions For Pets

 15. I will not eat other animals’ poop.

14. I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table. 

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

 9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on steroids, or they’ll flush me!

 6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

 3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!  January 2nd – December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year’s Resolutions Made by Pets…

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT’S HAND

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