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I’m still out of blogging ideas, so here’s a tidied-up re-blog from 2009:
Don’t you hate those awful cold-calling companies? They have the temerity to call at dinner time and then make you wait before they speak to you. Old ladies are frightened by them and young ladies irritated. Whenever I hear that pause, I hang up; so be warned: if you phone me and don’t start speaking the second I answer, then you have wasted your money and you’ll have to call back, talking all the time.
Spud knows how the Hub and I feel about such calls and has suggested that we have some fun with them, thus turning a negative into a positive, like his father always says. One night as we were eating the inevitable call came, wanting us to buy a house, a phone, a spare cat…
Caller: Hello, can I speak to the phone owner?
Hub: I don’t have a phone.
Caller: … …
Hub: Hello?
Caller: Can I please speak to the phone owner?
Hub: I don’t have one. [Relenting] I only have a mobile. Where are you calling from?
Caller: Talk Talk.
Hub: I remember them! From the Eighties! [Sings] Talk talk! All youdotome is talk talk!
Caller: … …
Hub: [Still singing, and enjoying it]
Caller: Umm, are you a singer?
Hub: [Modestly] Not any more.
Caller: You’re very good. [The Hub chooses to hear this as the truth and not flattery]
Hub: Thank you. I used to be in a band called Hub & the Termites; have you heard of us?
Caller: [Embarrassed] No, I’m sorry.
Hub: I thought you would have; we had a little colony following us.
Caller: … …
Hub: Where are you calling from?
Caller: Talk Talk.
Hub: Not your company; what country?
Caller: South Africa.
Hub: [Delighted] No kidding! [Breaks into excited and extended Afrikaans chatter. Lots of sighing at the other end while she waits to start her spiel.] We’re in Alberton!
Caller: Alberton?
Hub: Yes, just south of Jo’burg.
Caller: [Is utterly confused because she’s in a call centre in South Africa, selling phones to Brits in the UK, and doesn’t understand how she got through to a local number] Umm. I’m sorry; I must have the wrong number. Thank you for your time. Goodbye.
Hub, Spud, Me: [Hysterical laughter and rolling around]
.
The best thing is, she will never be quite sure if she was the victim of a prank, because what are the odds of calling England and getting a broad Mancunian who speaks fluent Afrikaans and knows Jo’burg so well?
A favourite one of mine was when someone called, trying to sell us new windows, and the Hub told them we didn’t need them because we live in a cave. A stunned silence is worth a thousand words.
Then there was the time the Hub called my Dad, used a fake accent and asked to speak to Miss Wall.
Dad: Sorry, there’s no-one of that name here.
Hub: Mrs Wall?
Dad: Nope, no Mrs Wall.
Hub: How about Mr Wall?
Dad: No [Patient but grinding his teeth], I’m sorry, there’s no Mr Wall.
Hub: Are there any walls there?
Dad: No.
Hub: Then how does your roof stay on?
.
The Hub is a minx.
The Laughing Housewife 
That was one of your best. But why aren’t you writing new stuff. No excuses: join in the River of Stones – it’s only a few lines each day.
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I have tried, actually, but nothing. I’m on a writing go-slo at the mo, obviously. It will pass.
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Sometimes if I have a cold call I just lay down the phone on the work surface and let them got on with their spiel…
they hang up eventually. 🙂
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That’s a good idea!
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That’s truly the most hilarious dialogue I’ve read lately!!
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That’s hilarious! I’m apparently luckier than I thought, no telemarketers have our cell phone numbers yet!
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You ARE lucky! 🙂
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The Hub’s a man after my own heart. I, too, revel in the tormenting of unwanted callers; believe I have contributed significantly to the art. When i first began cohabitating with My Beloved Sandra, she’d cringe at my antics. She’s one of those who, because she is kind and compassionate, is more likely to just say “Thanks, but no,” and hang up softly. Over the years, though, she has warmed to hearing my act, and now often brags to her friends about how deftly I skewer the bastids.
It’s amazing just how persistant some of them can be, too, in search of that sale. I kept one (who was calling to get me to change my long-distance carrier) on line for nearly 20 minutes once, even after convincing him of my belief that I had no phone and could communicate telepathically.
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I’d like to have heard THAT conversation!
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Is there really a dish called Spam Fritters? The pictures looks delicious. Totally unhealthy, but delicious.
Funny phone conversation. Here’s a link to the ultimate mistreatment of a telemarketer in case you haven’t heard this one yet. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWIMRKq2eZI
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There is. Bleurgghh! WE used to get them at school. Disgusting.
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I was a picky eater as a child, but I LOVED Spam fritters.
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My phone just buzzed.
Me: “Hello”.
Caller: “I wonder if Andrew is about?”
Me: “Well, You will not find him here… unless he is hiding under my bed!”
Caller: “I’m sorry to disturb you”.
With that the caller hung up!
I bet you are glad you don’t phone my house!
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Do you know, I think I am 😉
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Oh that was rich, especially the last one, your Hub is so very witty and apparently merciless in his wit delivery. How the both of you must laugh and laugh, how wonderful is that.
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WE do laugh a lot, when we’re talking 🙂
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That is just too funny. My husband likes turning the tables on the telemarketers too. When we had one selling kitchens he said that the has one of those and then proceeded to describe it. Most of the time he just asks the caller if they drive and then proceeds to turn it into his own sales call. I just wait for the caller to take a breath and then say that the first thing they should have asked was whether or not I was available to talk; or if it is one of those debt agencies I ask them how much debt they think I have. I mean, how do they know? They don’t, and I’m not about to tell them whether I do or not.
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I like your husband’s idea of describing the goods. 🙂
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Very funny, Tilly. I think I’ll try that approach the next time I receive one of those nuisance calls. 😀
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I no longer answer my phone unless I recognize the number. What a nuisance they all are… even after adding my number to the Do Not Call list, they still call. 😦
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Lol living in a cave without walls… xD awesome post and the picture makes me hungry… by the way I awarded you the candle lighter award: http://evilnymphstuff.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/candle-lighter-award/
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Thank you, ENS!
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Brilliant – all brilliant!
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BRILLIANT!! Thanks for reblogging,
It’s particularly good to read after our encyclopedia man encounter. I could of used the Hub there.
When I was a kid a salesman came to the door trying to sell us double glazing. At that exact moment, we were actually having double glazing fitted?!?
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Good grief!
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