Joke 304

Not jokes, exactly; but I’m not convinced they’re true.  Thanks to Sarsm, anyway!

What The Doctor  Wrote: the following quotes were taken  from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

• By the time he was admitted, his  rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking  chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever  since she began seeing me in 1983.
• Patient was released to outpatient  department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before  standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall  to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
• The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. ***** to dispose of him.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of  suicides.
• The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past  three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast  and anorexia for lunch.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
• Patient was alert and  unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled  around the room. 
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.