Joke 304

22 Jan

Not jokes, exactly; but I’m not convinced they’re true.  Thanks to Sarsm, anyway!

What The Doctor  Wrote: the following quotes were taken  from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

  • By the time he was admitted, his  rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
  • She has had no rigors or shaking  chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • The patient has been depressed ever  since she began seeing me in 1983.
  • Patient was released to outpatient  department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before  standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall  to the floor.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
  • The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. ***** to dispose of him.
  • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused an autopsy.
  • The patient has no past history of  suicides.
  • The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
  • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  • The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past  three days.
  • She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  • The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
  • The patient had waffles for breakfast  and anorexia for lunch.
  • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
  • Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
  • Patient was alert and  unresponsive.
  • When she fainted, her eyes rolled  around the room. 
  • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

18 Responses to “Joke 304”

  1. Kate Kresse January 22, 2012 at 06:20 #

    laughing hysterically. shared these with my hub and son. all 3 of us laughing husterically.

    Like

  2. slpmartin January 22, 2012 at 06:40 #

    Oh…now these are funny!

    Like

  3. nrhatch January 22, 2012 at 06:45 #

    Some of these are damn funny! Thanks, Tilly.

    Like

  4. bluebee January 22, 2012 at 06:47 #

    Thanks for the belly laughs, Tilly, from this absolutely hilarious post! And 11/10 for the cartoon 😀

    Like

  5. viv blake January 22, 2012 at 06:51 #

    I reckon these are examples some teacher dreamed up to demonstrate the danger of the hanging participle!

    Like

  6. musings January 22, 2012 at 07:51 #

    OK… these are down right scary!

    Like

  7. SammyDee January 22, 2012 at 14:19 #

    I don’t care if they’re true or not – they made me laugh out loud!

    Like

  8. Tinman January 22, 2012 at 14:32 #

    I shared them too, dragged Mrs Tin in to read them to her, we laughed out loud as well.

    Like

  9. colonialist January 22, 2012 at 16:29 #

    Oh, the horror of being numb from the toes down!

    Like

  10. Pseu January 22, 2012 at 18:03 #

    Sadly, some of these could easily be true.

    Like

  11. SchmidleysScribbling January 22, 2012 at 18:21 #

    At first, I thought she escaped from Les Demoiselles d’Avignon but none of them are missing. Dianne

    Like

  12. evilnymphstuff January 22, 2012 at 18:25 #

    The truth of reality can really be funny at times 😀

    Like

  13. sarsm January 23, 2012 at 07:23 #

    I had to reread them. They are funny, aren’t they?

    Like

    • Tilly Bud January 23, 2012 at 12:09 #

      Hilarious.

      Like

    • Perfecting Motherhood January 26, 2012 at 07:45 #

      I think you got the whole list from that crazy specialist you saw about your headaches before Xmas. She seems just the type to say all of them.

      Like

  14. judithatwood January 23, 2012 at 11:39 #

    What a great way to start the morning — one more ridiculous than the last. I laughed my butt off! Thanks!

    Like

  15. Grannymar January 23, 2012 at 17:16 #

    Oh doctor, I’m in trouble…. My heart goes boom boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom
    Boody-boom boody-boom boody-boom-boom-boom!

    I laughed so loud the walls hurt!

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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