Archive | 12:20

Twilight: I Hope Bella Remembered To Shave

24 Jan




Cover of "Twilight (Two-Disc Special Edit...

Cover of Twilight (Two-Disc Special Edition)


Contemplating my blunt Bic yesterday, and whether it was worth getting out of the shower for a fresh razor (I still have 273 left of the thousand my Dad left when he died back in 2000) or to stay half hairy until my next ablutions, it occurred to me that if Bella didn’t shave the night before she was changed into a vampire – and there is, unaccountably, no record in the book that she did – then she was going to be stuck with fluffy armpits for eternity.  For a female vampire, that would suck.

In Twilight‘s world, vampires are frozen in time, with the same likes, dislikes, looks (the same, but amplified to remove the dross and highlight the gorgeous) and hair.  I know this for a fact, because I have watched the first Twilight film 117 times since Christmas, and Edward Cullen (the delicious Robert Pattinson) has hairy arms and chest in every scene where he shows his hairy arms and chest.

Obsession has its usefulness – Bella got Edward in the end; Edward got Bella in the end, and I got to notice Robert Pattinson’s hair.  His other hair; the one that inspired Jedward:


Joke 306

24 Jan

A man owns a parrot. The parrot swears like a sailor; he can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.  The man who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird’s foul mouth drives him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much; the man grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “SHUT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.  The man is furious.  “That’s it. I’ll get you!” He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

The parrot is really aggravated and he claws and scratches, and when the bloke finally lets him out, the bird lets loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the man just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.”

The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”

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