Archive | February, 2012

It’s Only Words

29 Feb
Word Cloud of Obama's speech to Congress

(Photo credit: Jason-Morrison)

I’m not ignoring you.  I haven’t visited your blogs or replied to your comments because I was out all day yesterday; last night; and right now.  I will catch up soon, once I’ve recovered from the shock of being out of the house two days in a row.

In the meantime, here’s a task for you:

Spud and I were chatting last night and he said ‘you bodicly’ instead of ‘you bodily’.  We decided that it sounds like a real word, and ought to be a real word. 

Here is the correct spelling:

EUBODICLY

Now we have to decide what it means.  Any suggestions?  I told Spud that my readers won’t let me down.  No pressure.

Joke 342

29 Feb

Rodney and Wilma are woken at three o’clock one Saturday morning by a loud pounding on the door.  Rodney gets up and goes to the door where he sees a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain.

“Give us a push,” says the stranger.

“No way!” says Rodney, “It’s three o’clock in the morning.”  He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asks Wilma.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?”

“No, I didn’t. It’s three o’clock in the morning, it’s pouring with rain, and he shouldn’t be driving, anyway.”

Wilma says, “Don’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him; besides, there’s no one on the roads at this time of night.”

Rodney knows when he’s beaten.  He dresses and goes out into the rain. He calls out in the dark, “Hello! Are you still there?”

“Yes,” replies the drunk.

“Do you still need a push?” calls Rodney.

“Yes, please,” is the reply.

“Where are you?” asks Rodney.

“Over here, on the swing.”

Quote…Unquote

28 Feb

I’m at an all-day workshop today, so here’s a reblog from two years ago.

The following quotes are from my clippings notebook:

Dilbert quotes, from an old Sky TV magazine:

  • Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue
  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the sky and stars and I thought to myself, ‘Where the heck is the ceiling?’
  • You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter
  • Never argue with an idiot.  They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience
  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

This next one is from Hagar the Horrible. It’s not that funny but it struck a chord with me because I read it when the Hub was travelling sub-Saharan Africa for weeks at a time and I was trying to think of reasons why that might be a good thing:

Helga: (Sigh) Being the wife of a traveling man is a trade-off…He gets to visit the great cities of Europe for three weeks…and I get a clean house for three weeks!

Only, the house was never clean for three weeks because I always re-arranged the furniture when he was away and it would take days at a time to do each room and the house would be upside down.  He would come back and be walking into things and getting into the wrong side of the bed for ages afterwards.  Served him right for leaving me alone with a baby and bad telly.

An old favourite from Hi And Lois. I can’t remember the characters’ names but it doesn’t really matter:

Mum (enters room where children are watching television): This program is awfully violent.

Boy: It’s just an animated cartoon, Mom, made up of thousands of drawings.  The  characters aren’t real so nobody gets hurt!

(Mum leaves)

Boy: That’s what I call my “Disney Defense.”

 Some Peanuts quotes:

  • Sally: I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.
  • Charlie Brown: Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
  • Charlie Brown again: Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, “Why me?”  Then a voice answers, “Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.”

Peanuts Minus Snoopy with Linus

My personal favourite, unattributed:

If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.

Joke 341

28 Feb

My husband uses a kitchen implement to shred garlic and parmesan cheese, both of which I hate.

It really is the grater of two evils.

‘Thank You’ Doesn’t Even Begin To Cover It

27 Feb
English: Cover banner styles clipped from imag...

Image via Wikipedia

I had a bit of a moan on Saturday.  I wasn’t looking for help.  You guys are amazing, though: help you offered, in the form of advice, moral support and cash.

In fact, several people offered cash.  Thank you.  Such ordinary words don’t express the depth of my gratitude, so here are some extraordinary words:

Extraordinary-Exceptional-Fantastic-Marvellous-Incredible-Unimaginable.

You know who you are.  I’d like to tell everyone who you are but you offered it privately, so I will respect that.

I am going to share the name of one person, however.  I asked her permission and she granted it only because she wanted to tell the story of why she made the offer.  It is a story worth reading, and I hope you will extend your generosity by going on over to take a look.  Tell her Tilly sent you.

The donor is Kiwidutch.  She reads my blog from time to time, but rarely comments.  That’s okay: all lurkers are welcome here (I’ll take my stats however I can get them).

On Saturday, she sent me an email, some of which I reproduce here:

Dear Tilly,  I read your post about Spud’s school trip and would like to pay the down-payment he needs.  Why?…Please see Number 46 on my 101 tasks 🙂  … it’s about walking the walk and not just talking the talk.  🙂  […] … payment for me would be for him to get busy immediately with fundraising plans […] and for him to remember to “pay it forward” one day whenever he can.

I was taken aback.  Here is what amounts to a stranger, offering my child the help he needs.  My instinct was to say ‘no’, if I’m honest, because I wasn’t asking for help in my post and it didn’t seem right to accept.  Then I realised that it wasn’t up to me: Kiwidutch was offering to help Spud, so he had to decide.  He asked for time to sleep on it; he doesn’t rush into things.  He likes to weigh up the pros and cons before making a decision.

He decided not to accept the offer.  Once the initial obstacle of no choice was removed by Kiwidutch, he looked at what it would really mean: a great trip, doing some good, learning about himself and the world, against GCSEs in summer, all his spare time spent in preparation and fundraising.  As much as he wants the trip, he wants a future more.  He has been privileged to receive an excellent education; the only way he can repay that is to do his absolute best in the exams, to show that it was not wasted on him.

Oh, and he doesn’t want to have to stop buying PS3 games (let poor children build their own walls; COD 17 will be out soon).

While I was astounded at Kiwidutch’s offer, what appealed to me was her request that Spud pay it forward.  Over the years we have told him that we expect him to donate to his school when he is earning, so that other children like him will be helped.  What Kiwidutch really offered Spud was not money, but options: more than money, we want him to pay that forward.

Thank you, Kiwidutch and all of you.  Not just for the offers, the advice and the support; but for showing me that the world is a better place than I believed it to be. 

Joke 340

27 Feb

Thanks to Vivinfrance for this one.

Five Tips For Women

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.

Facts, Because What Else Is There?

26 Feb

Or, I can’t think of anything to write about so here’s something from my email inbox sent to me by people who preferred emailing when they should be working but at least they’ve got a job so this is all sourness on my part.

A still photo of a Winston advertisement featu...

Image via Wikipedia

  • In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have ‘the rule of thumb’.  The Hub tried it on me once, hence ‘the rule of sore bum.’
  • The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
  • Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the U.S. Treasury.  It’s anyone’s guess which is worth more.
  • Coca-Cola was originally green.
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  • Tom Sawyer was the first novel to be written on a typewriter.
  • 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321, proving once and for all that mathematicians have no sex life.
  • If you were to spell out numbers, you would have to go to one thousand before you reached the letter A.  My earlier comment refers.

You know you are living in 2012 when:

  • You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
  • You call your family from your car in your drive to ask them to help bring in the groceries.
  • You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your family of three.
  • You email the person who works at the next desk.
  • When you get up in the morning, you go online before making your first cup of tea.
  • You don’t stay in touch with friends and family because you don’t have their email addresses.
  • If you leave the house without your mobile, which you didn’t have for the first 20/30/60 years of life, you panic.

One more fact for you:

  • Don’t buy your Kindle books from eBay, otherwise you might find yourself reading, as I did, instead of the line He put his head in his hands, this gem: He put his head in his anus.
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