Joke 360

18 Mar

Mother’s Dictionary of Meanings

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s dummy by boiling it, and to your last baby’s dummy by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas.
Two-Minute Warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

*

I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.

*

COLUMBUS’S MOTHER: I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher.  You could have written.

MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children?  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do  something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something…?

THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and  get to bed!

*

Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.

*

John forgot his lines in a Sunday school play. Luckily his mother was in the front row.  She gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it did not  help. John’s memory was completely blank. Finally, she leaned forward and  whispered the cue, ‘I am the light of the world.’

John beamed and with great feeling and a loud clear voice announced, ‘My mother is the light of the world.’

*

A mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.  Peter De Vries

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God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.  A Jewish Proverb

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When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘uh oh’, it’s  already too late.

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There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.  Chinese Proverb

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What My Mother Taught Me:

  • My mother taught me RELIGION: “You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
  • My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
  • My mother taught me FORESIGHT: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
  • My mother taught me IRONY: “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
  • My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
  • My mother taught me about WEATHER: “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
  • My mother taught me about ENVY: “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
  • My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: “Just wait until we get home.”
  • My mother taught me about RECEIVING: “You are going to get it when you get home!”
  • My mother taught me HUMOUR: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
  • My mother taught me WISDOM: “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
  • My mother taught me about JUSTICE: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”

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A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.  Irish Proverb

Happy Mothers’ Day!

27 Responses to “Joke 360”

  1. judithatwood March 18, 2012 at 04:56 #

    What a delightful post! I’m here by myself, laughing right out loud. Happy Mother’s day!

    Like

  2. siggiofmaine March 18, 2012 at 05:38 #

    Wonderful, Wonderful…Happy Mother’s day. Love the photo !
    Peace and love,
    Siggi in Downeast Maine

    Like

  3. Katherine Gordy Levine March 18, 2012 at 06:54 #

    Okay sue me, but I am going to use these when my Parent’s Friend Blog gets going. Well, that’s a lie. I don’t want to be really wanting to be sued. I just want to use some of these.

    I have signed a contract with Metaplume to have my book When Good Kid’s Do Bad Things sold electronically through them. They have asked me to revise my Parent’s Friend Blog. I am looking for a laugh a day and each one of these is a great laugh. Of course, you would get the credit and a link. And of course, if you say no, I will respect that and plow other sources. But I will weep you are so, so. good.

    Like

    • The Laughing Housewife March 20, 2012 at 12:02 #

      So, so good at collating! Help yourself; I merely found them: they belong to the internet 🙂

      Great news on your book! Congratulations!

      Like

  4. gigihawaii March 18, 2012 at 07:57 #

    What a beautiful smile you all have! Love that picture! Happy Mother’s Day!

    Like

  5. vivinfrance March 18, 2012 at 08:01 #

    That’s a wowser of a post. Lovely picture, great laughs.

    Like

  6. jmgoyder March 18, 2012 at 09:45 #

    I loved every bit of this post except that it scared the hell out me because I thought I had forgotten Mother’s day and my mum!!! Luckily ours isn’t until May.

    Like

  7. Pseu March 18, 2012 at 10:22 #

    lovely.
    So far my mother’s day has included tea bought to me in bed (by Cyclohusband) and a boy shouting Happy mothers Day’ at me as he passed the bedroom door…..

    Like

  8. adinparadise March 18, 2012 at 14:13 #

    Happy Mothering Sunday to you too. 😉

    Like

  9. colonialist March 18, 2012 at 17:53 #

    Some really funny ones there!
    Because we have a daughter in UK, we got a Mothering Sunday telephone call from her. Here, nothing happened. Mother’s Day is on a different day for reasons unknown.

    Like

  10. SchmidleysScribbling March 18, 2012 at 19:07 #

    Was your mother my mother?? Since you came from South Africa, I figured you must have some Dutch somewhere. Irish from the US are called Damn Yankees when they travel. Unless of course they come from Appalachia, then they are hillbillies.

    Dianne

    Like

    • The Laughing Housewife March 20, 2012 at 12:07 #

      You are all Yankees to us 🙂

      I only lived in South Africa; I’m from Liverpool. All the info is on my About page (take a day off if you’re going to read it – it’s loooooooong).

      Like

  11. Perfecting Motherhood March 19, 2012 at 02:26 #

    The kid wearing Superman PJs at my house sleeps in the bottom bunk bed…

    Did you know Edison’s mother homeschooled him after his teachers couldn’t put up with him anymore? And did you know he set the family barn on fire? Kids…

    Like

  12. bluebee March 19, 2012 at 21:44 #

    Thanks for the laughs.

    Here’s to the mothers of the world!

    Like

  13. xtrekki March 20, 2012 at 01:00 #

    Hope you had a great Mothering Sunday!

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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