Archive | 20:20

No Dogs

4 Apr

Dear Subscribers,

If you came here looking for four funny videos of dogs, I spoke too soon: the videos worked in the draft but disappeared as soon as I hit publish.  I trashed the post in a fit of pique.

Here’s a dog joke, by way of apology:

How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants do it…

Labrador: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I’ve got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

I’m Three Mugs Of Tea Away From Becoming A Feminist.

4 Apr
A mug of tea

A mug of tea (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today at ten a.m. I found myself waiting on the men of my family, carrying their morning brews up to each of them in bed.

The Hub had the worst night of his ME-life on Monday, so he gets a pass.  Tory Boy is home for a funeral and we haven’t seen him since Christmas, so he gets a pass.  Spud is using his Easter break to revise hard for his GCSEs, between hours spent playing football, PS3 and messing about in his room with his brother until two in the morning, so he gets a pass.

When do I get a pass?

Mother’s Day?  Unlikely.  I am always first awake.  On Mother’s Day I try to lie in bed, to allow my children to experience the joy of waiting hand and foot on another person, but my bladder has a mind of its own and, once it’s up, it wants to stay up.

I guess I’m a morning person, and they are not.  If men are from Mars, I’ve been to Venus and back before they even start to think about waking up.

Either that, or I’ve read the Twilight books too many times.  That Bella – the celibacy, I don’t have a problem with…but cooking?  Housework?  Voluntarily?  That’s not a normal teenager.  Or even a normal person.  Taking on all the household chores?  Somebody bring me a cup of tea; I need to lie down.

Joke 377

4 Apr

This is from Will & Guy.

076/365  I am accountant...

076/365 I am accountant... (Photo credit: david anderson : da-photography)

Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a toilet and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

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