Ten Don’ts For When I’m Dead

9 Apr

If I die, think only this of me: there is a corner shop going out of business because of the dramatic drop in Malteser sales. 

Maltesers

Maltesers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1.  DON’T say I was your ‘rock’. 

I’m not a cliché in life; don’t make me one in death.  Paul Burrell started the fashion for this and it really irritates me.

2.  DON’T leave flowers at the scene.

Yes, my going was tragic: the way that bus skidded to miss a cat and toppled sideways on to me did not leave me looking pretty (though it did leave me thinner: there’s always a silver lining), but I don’t like this maudlin habit of loved ones, strangers and people who hope to get on the news leaving flowers and soppy notes to go mouldy in the rain.  I’m too British for all that nonsense.  If you must leave something, make it a box of Maltesers.  Take off the cellophane (please dispose of wrapper responsibly; I was many things but a litter bug wasn’t one of them).  It never stops raining in Stockport and a river of malted chocolate would be a fitting tribute to the greedy pig I was.

3.  DON’T worry, I won’t haunt the Hub.

It’s okay for him to marry again.  I want him to be happy at least once in his life.  But she must have a sense of humour.  She’ll need it, with our kids.

4.  DON’T bury me.

My husband will marry again and forget me; my kids will live successful lives abroad; the world doesn’t need more worms.  Cremate me, then scatter my ashes in New York and Washington D.C.  I’m determined to get there, one way or the other.  Or turn me into a diamond.

Aside for my boys: If you do turn me into a diamond, give me to your Dad’s new wife for Christmas.

5.  DON’T buy an expensive coffin.

I want a white cardboard box with a lid, like a shoe box.  Everyone must write and draw messages on it, like it was a plaster cast.  Take photos, for posterity.  Use safety crayons – no toxic fumes.

6.  DON’T think that hiring a stand up comic for the after-funeral party is too crass.

It isn’t.

7.  DON’T choose sad songs for the service.

I’m a cheerful soul and death is not the end for me.  Celebrate!  Especially you, Hub: maybe you could play ‘Free At Last’.

8.  DON’T forget to tell my readers.

Don't Speak

Don't Speak (Photo credit: susy ♥)

Let them know I’m now the mouldering housewife.  It’s only polite.  Accept all compliments at face value.  I’m dead; I no longer have the power to ban them. 

9.  DON’T throw away my notebooks.

You’ll need them to plan my funeral.  Check all of them: there’s a large, circled ‘F’ at the front of each one that has a funeral requirement hastily scribbled down.  I have about a hundred song choices; you may have to narrow it down a little, unless you’re planning a state funeral.  If you are planning a state funeral, I don’t want Elton John.  He’s such a diva.  Mika would be nice.

10.  DON’T forget I can’t count.

I never completed a Top Ten list in my life; don’t expect things to change when I’m dead.

*

Three DOs.

READER

If you enjoy my blog, DO share the laughter.  Post a funny picture, a joke, a hilarious video.  Share a funny story about yourself.

Then acknowledge me as the one who made you do it and send all royalties to my family.

THE HUB

DO have a good clear out at last, if only to prove that the real reason your stuff is all over the house is because the cupboards, loft and shed are filled with your wife’s junk.

MY BOYS

DO miss me a little, but most of all, live, love, laugh.  And be nice to irritating people – they might be missing their mother.

Always know that you were the highlight of my life: I love making fun of you.  Such rich source material.

*

*

65 Responses to “Ten Don’ts For When I’m Dead”

  1. Helen Cherry April 9, 2012 at 09:25 #

    LOVE IT !! haha I like your coffin idea !

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 10, 2012 at 11:23 #

      I can’t take credit for it, but it is a wonderful idea and has to be more environmentally friendly.

      Like

  2. vivinfrance April 9, 2012 at 09:35 #

    What brought that on? I couldn’t help but read it, AND laugh at it, but the thought of it happening in my l.ifetime is anathema. Please say you are cheerful despite everything.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 9, 2012 at 09:37 #

      I am! But I had to send out three condolence cards last week. Three deaths of people we know or know of. It makes you stop and think.

      Like

  3. Madeleine Begun Kane April 9, 2012 at 09:39 #

    LOL! What a funny treatment of such a sad subject. Nice job!

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 10, 2012 at 11:24 #

      Thanks. We should all do it; less arguments for those left behind.

      Like

  4. jmgoyderJulie April 9, 2012 at 09:54 #

    Have you been diagnosed with something – yikes – I hope not because you are my blog rock – hahahahahahahaha!

    Like

  5. Gobetween April 9, 2012 at 10:08 #

    And I thought my post for today was sad and serious. I agree – don’t copy anything that idiot Paul Burrell does or says. I hope our journey after life on earth is pleasant and I hope that when I get to the otherside that my hateful father is not waiting for me – like John Edward says.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 10, 2012 at 11:27 #

      I hope you didn’t find this post sad; though I am serious.

      Like

  6. sanstorm April 9, 2012 at 10:10 #

    If I go first, make sure they remove the organs for transplant. I want to be sure I’m
    Dead before burial.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 10, 2012 at 11:28 #

      I had to stick a pin in my mother to make sure. She made me swear to do it.

      Like

  7. granny1947 April 9, 2012 at 10:29 #

    I am with you on the cremation bit.
    Really don’t want to wake up in my coffin.
    I would be really pissed off.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 10, 2012 at 11:29 #

      Tell them to pack a fully charged mobile phone.

      Like

  8. sarsm April 9, 2012 at 11:04 #

    They say it comes in threes so you should be safe for a while.

    I hope so, I’d miss you.

    Like

  9. judithatwood April 9, 2012 at 11:13 #

    Great Top Ten! I may just print it out and use if for my own! (with all due credit, of course!)

    Like

  10. Tinman April 9, 2012 at 12:11 #

    This is really funny (of course) but a bit worrying. Especially for the Maltesers Company, but also for us.
    Keep well, we love you.

    Like

  11. grannymar April 9, 2012 at 12:12 #

    Ha Ha! I like it. The shoe box is a great idea.

    Now when you get to the other side…. will you write another post for us to let us know what it is really like, especially if I need to make preparations like getting my hair done. 😉

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 10, 2012 at 11:32 #

      Somebody already did that…it’s called the Bible 🙂

      Like

  12. barb19 April 9, 2012 at 12:17 #

    You had me worried for a while Tilly. I like your list though, but hope it wont be put into action for years yet.

    Like

  13. The Hub April 9, 2012 at 12:37 #

    Yes, she was diagnosed with something years ago……..a very weird sense of humour. I hear you all going ahhhhh but I have to live with this. The Police song “Sending out a SOS” is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning.

    Like

  14. BeckySefton April 9, 2012 at 12:50 #

    Laughed throughout. Kinda weird I’d laugh at such a blog post.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 10, 2012 at 11:35 #

      You are clearly eligible to join my club 🙂

      Like

  15. smilesandhappiness April 9, 2012 at 13:28 #

    Hahaha fantastic blog! Hope you didn’t jinx it now 😛

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 10, 2012 at 11:41 #

      Luckily, I’m not superstitious and never will be, touch wood. 🙂

      Like

  16. laurieanichols April 9, 2012 at 14:17 #

    When I had to attend a few sudden death funerals, I made a list of do’s. Your list is exactly to my thinking especially the flowers at the scene. I also said cremation because I don’t want to go in the ground, I want to be on a mantle. Honestly I don’t really care where I go as long as it is easier on the ones I leave behind. That is what it’s all about at the end, who is left behind, and I want to be on a mantle.

    Like

  17. Jimmy Aring April 9, 2012 at 14:46 #

    Tilly,

    if things are tight financially for the family when you leave the departure lounge, perhaps it would be wise to cover all funeral bases beforehand. Let hubby and the kids know whether or not donating your body to science–so that they can save on burial or cremation expenses–is kosher with you.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 10, 2012 at 11:43 #

      I wanted to leave my body to science but the Hub says science doesn’t want it 🙂

      Like

  18. gigihawaii April 9, 2012 at 15:07 #

    Tilly, you better teach the Hub how to write a post on your blog. How else will we know you died? Writing your obituary in the comment box won’t do.

    Like

  19. kateshrewsday April 9, 2012 at 15:44 #

    We’ll bear it in mind, Tilly. Especially the stand-up comedian.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 10, 2012 at 11:48 #

      At last! Someone paying attention.

      Thank you, Kate 🙂

      Like

  20. slpmartin April 9, 2012 at 16:21 #

    Our thoughts about these things are correlated quite well…of course a few things will change in my list…for example, since I’m not a swimmer…I’d love to have my ashes tossed at sea…would be my first real swim…Cheers!

    Like

  21. terry1954 April 9, 2012 at 17:40 #

    very good

    Like

  22. Maggie L R April 9, 2012 at 18:08 #

    Great list, I love the white coffin with the messages written on it… I am going to use that idea and let my family know, it is a whole lot cheaper too for my family.

    Like

  23. Maggie L R April 9, 2012 at 18:10 #

    In fact, I think I will write a message for my family to write on my coffin from me… so they can all hear what I have to say.

    Like

  24. viveka April 9, 2012 at 20:46 #

    Could have written this myself .. but you did. Love the bit about making a diamond – brilliant idea. The thing is .. at even if we are gone, are we only a breath away.
    Some has said … if there is no chocolate in heaven, I’m not going there.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 10, 2012 at 11:54 #

      Now I’m the opposite – hoping there’s no chocolate in heaven so I can finally lose some weight.

      Like

      • viveka April 10, 2012 at 11:58 #

        *laughing … we finally reach that point – I don’t think it’s that important anymore … but you have a point.I rather give up something else.

        Like

  25. restlessjo April 9, 2012 at 21:13 #

    Superb Tilly- what a miss you will be!

    Like

  26. SchmidleysScribbling April 9, 2012 at 23:10 #

    I wrote my Obituary, then I decided no one would believe it so I began blogging. Your blogs will be your epitaph I think. Dianne

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 10, 2012 at 11:57 #

      That’s going to be one massive headstone, then 🙂

      Like

  27. Pat Bean April 10, 2012 at 01:02 #

    I gave you a Bean’s Pat on my blog today. Great column and i totally agree.

    Like

  28. benzeknees April 10, 2012 at 22:56 #

    I had this same sort of discussion with my husband a few years ago (I’m quite a bit older than you) because I wanted to make sure he didn’t waste a lot of money on a funeral for me & all the trimmings when I just wanted to be cremated. I don’t care what they do with the ashes as long as they don’t keep them around as a remembrance. Just remember me as I was, not the day I died. I had a whole life & too many people concentrate on the death.
    I see by your wrapper you are trying to tell me I keep misspelling Maltesers – hint taken!

    Like

  29. Perfecting Motherhood April 13, 2012 at 06:10 #

    I love your casket idea, especially if you’re going to be cremated. But I also hope you get to see NYC when you’re alive, and not just is ash form (what would be the fun in that???).

    You’ re not going anywhere soon. You laugh too much every day for that. You scare the sh*&t out of death!

    Like

  30. eof737 April 18, 2012 at 18:31 #

    Now this is morbid…. but I guess it’s best to be clear, eh? 🙂

    Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Bring out your dead, Burn, Bury or dissect? or do funeral insurance ads shit you to tears? | Iain Hall's SANDPIT - April 12, 2012

    […] Ten Don’ts For When I’m Dead (thelaughinghousewife.wordpress.com) […]

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I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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