Ten Don’ts For When I’m Dead

If I die, think only this of me: there is a corner shop going out of business because of the dramatic drop in Malteser sales. 

Maltesers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1.  DON’T say I was your ‘rock’. 

I’m not a cliché in life; don’t make me one in death.  Paul Burrell started the fashion for this and it really irritates me.

2.  DON’T leave flowers at the scene.

Yes, my going was tragic: the way that bus skidded to miss a cat and toppled sideways on to me did not leave me looking pretty (though it did leave me thinner: there’s always a silver lining), but I don’t like this maudlin habit of loved ones, strangers and people who hope to get on the news leaving flowers and soppy notes to go mouldy in the rain.  I’m too British for all that nonsense.  If you must leave something, make it a box of Maltesers.  Take off the cellophane (please dispose of wrapper responsibly; I was many things but a litter bug wasn’t one of them).  It never stops raining in Stockport and a river of malted chocolate would be a fitting tribute to the greedy pig I was.

3.  DON’T worry, I won’t haunt the Hub.

It’s okay for him to marry again.  I want him to be happy at least once in his life.  But she must have a sense of humour.  She’ll need it, with our kids.

4.  DON’T bury me.

My husband will marry again and forget me; my kids will live successful lives abroad; the world doesn’t need more worms.  Cremate me, then scatter my ashes in New York and Washington D.C.  I’m determined to get there, one way or the other.  Or turn me into a diamond.

Aside for my boys: If you do turn me into a diamond, give me to your Dad’s new wife for Christmas.

5.  DON’T buy an expensive coffin.

I want a white cardboard box with a lid, like a shoe box.  Everyone must write and draw messages on it, like it was a plaster cast.  Take photos, for posterity.  Use safety crayons – no toxic fumes.

6.  DON’T think that hiring a stand up comic for the after-funeral party is too crass.

It isn’t.

7.  DON’T choose sad songs for the service.

I’m a cheerful soul and death is not the end for me.  Celebrate!  Especially you, Hub: maybe you could play ‘Free At Last’.

8.  DON’T forget to tell my readers.

Don't Speak (Photo credit: susy ♥)

Let them know I’m now the mouldering housewife.  It’s only polite.  Accept all compliments at face value.  I’m dead; I no longer have the power to ban them. 

9.  DON’T throw away my notebooks.

You’ll need them to plan my funeral.  Check all of them: there’s a large, circled ‘F’ at the front of each one that has a funeral requirement hastily scribbled down.  I have about a hundred song choices; you may have to narrow it down a little, unless you’re planning a state funeral.  If you are planning a state funeral, I don’t want Elton John.  He’s such a diva.  Mika would be nice.

10.  DON’T forget I can’t count.

I never completed a Top Ten list in my life; don’t expect things to change when I’m dead.

*

Three DOs.

READER

If you enjoy my blog, DO share the laughter.  Post a funny picture, a joke, a hilarious video.  Share a funny story about yourself.

Then acknowledge me as the one who made you do it and send all royalties to my family.

THE HUB

DO have a good clear out at last, if only to prove that the real reason your stuff is all over the house is because the cupboards, loft and shed are filled with your wife’s junk.

MY BOYS

DO miss me a little, but most of all, live, love, laugh.  And be nice to irritating people – they might be missing their mother.

Always know that you were the highlight of my life: I love making fun of you.  Such rich source material.

*

*

Related articles

• A Few Do’s and Don’ts (thequirkycreative.wordpress.com)
• Maltesers (lornastearoomdelights.wordpress.com)