It Was A Small World

10 Apr

The sky is grey, I spent yesterday’s public holiday doing not much at all, and I have nothing to blog about.  Time for an updated re-post.

I have had an identity crisis.  Spud complained that he is still shorter than me – we do the back-to-back thing every day, he being the teenage equivalent of Snow White’s stepmother: Measure, Measure in Dad’s Hand, when’ll I be tallest in the land?

The Hub measured him and found him to be 5′ tall.  Now this is weird because I am also 5′ small, yet I am two inches taller than Spud.

I have always been 5′ small, and rather like it.  Think of Kylie Minogue and you get the idea of how dainty I am.  Or was, thirty years ago.  Now I’m 5′ wide as well: a sort of Kylie-squared.

Better Than Today

Kylie

Me

Can you see the likeness?

It transpires I am not 5′ small after all, despite what it says in my passport.  The tape measure proves it: I am 5’2″.   When I had my recent well-woman check, the nurse practitioner proved it, too.

No more standing on the third step up to the back garden that backed onto my childhood back garden to kiss 6′ tall boyfriends for me…though the Hub might have something to say about that, anyway; so perhaps it’s just as well.

My problem is that I have always considered myself to be a certain height and now I find that something I have always believed – known – about myself is simply not true.  I have made a false declaration on my passport!  The Police could take me away in the night and electrocute my testicles with passion fruit (sorry if that doesn’t make sense; I had a sleepless night worrying about it).

Imagine if you are a girl and you have always been a girl and it says on your passport that you are a girl and then somebody measures you against your child one day – a child that you lovingly carried, birthed, reared and gained weight for, the miserable little turncoat – and they tell you that, oops, it’s a mistake and you are actually a boy.  I think you’d be as hysterical as I am right now, wouldn’t you?

My image of myself as diminutive has been irrevocably altered – I can no longer ask strangers in the supermarket to pass me the tofu* on the top shelf; they’ll just laugh and tell me to ‘Get it yourself, Lofty.’

*If it is true that I am tall then it is true that I am a healthy eater as well.

The Hub obviously didn’t think this through when he told me the alleged truth about myself.  He likes dainty women, which is why bundled me into a wedding carriage all those years ago.  He was six inches taller than me then: tall enough to make me feel protected but not so tall that I needed to wear a neck brace after canoodling with him.  We are going to have to re-think our whole relationship now that I am a giant.

He tried to soothe my understandable fury by blaming my Dad, who would have been the one to measure me all those years ago.  It did calm me down because my Dad was a bit dopey (where do you think I get it from?) and it is a plausible theory.  BUT – and it is a big but, as you can see – I have just remembered that my Dad didn’t measure me for that first passport because he was in South Africa at the time.  So now I am doubly angry at the Hub – he shattered my self-esteem and besmirched the good name of the best Dad who ever lived.  That’s a good enough excuse to throw something at him, I think.  Excuse me a moment…

…that feels better.

Spud said I should look on the bright side: I am no longer a midget.  I should be grateful for small mercies.

53 Responses to “It Was A Small World”

  1. vivinfrance April 10, 2012 at 11:43 #

    1st off, thank you for the lovely email. Replying is difficult as I have to go through the rigmarole that Orange requires: can’t use Outloook express because the hospital network won’t allow it.

    Now, about that post: My passport says I am five feet two (I was once) Now I am 4’11” so we’re both due for imprisonment.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 10, 2012 at 11:48 #

      People shrink as they – ahem – get older, I heard; it may be caused by curvature of the spine. So I may one day go straight by becoming crooked 🙂

      Like

  2. jmgoyder April 10, 2012 at 12:17 #

    Oh I am laughing hysterically!!!

    Like

  3. jmgoyder April 10, 2012 at 12:18 #

    My son just came running out to my office, thinking I was crying and I said, no it’s that laughing housewife person again – hehehe!

    Like

  4. misswhiplash April 10, 2012 at 12:22 #

    Remember..all good things come in small packages, especially when they are well covered and soft and cuddly

    Like

  5. introvertedblogger April 10, 2012 at 12:22 #

    My husband just came to see what all the laughter was about. Midget mercies is right…you have a lot to be thankful for, you beautiful woman.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 11, 2012 at 12:03 #

      Hehe! I am grateful. Mostly that you can’t see me blushing 🙂

      Like

  6. bluebee April 10, 2012 at 12:39 #

    Kylie might still be dainty but she’s also still alone…

    Like

  7. mairedubhtx April 10, 2012 at 13:40 #

    I’m 5’4″ but I have always wanted to be 5’6″. I thought that would be a better height. My daughter is 5’6″ and my granddaughter are 5’6″ but it’s hard to tell with my daughter because she always looks taller because she wears heels. If I could be 5’6″ and weigh the same, it woud be nice.

    Like

  8. laurieanichols April 10, 2012 at 14:05 #

    That was funny. Height affects who we are as well. You hear often I always wanted to be a tall person as if it would make you a different person on the inside. I suppose it would? Would it, so Tilly Bud how have you changed since you have grown? Because perhaps you have grown the two inches or even if it was a great cosmic error, you have grown in your mind. Has it changed you?

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 11, 2012 at 12:08 #

      Just freaked me out.

      I never wanted to be tall, except in my modelling days. I like being small.

      Like

      • laurieanichols April 11, 2012 at 13:12 #

        My daughter was called “pocket Venus” by my mother-in-law. She literally outgrew that moniker.

        Like

  9. Pseu April 10, 2012 at 15:15 #

    I’m with Viv on this one. I’m 51: at my last doctor’s check up the machine said I was shorter that I used to be. No longer ‘just over 5’9”, but shorter. Not saying how much.

    After all I have years of shrinking to go yet.

    If I go the way Ma is going I shall shrink and shink and shink unitl I’m short.

    On Saturday when I stood next to her I could easily have rested my chin on the top of her head, slouching. I didn’t.

    One day, maybe the word ‘petite’ could be used to describe ME?!

    I wonder if my feet will shrink too?
    Fat chance.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 11, 2012 at 12:11 #

      My feet grew two sizes in fourteen years. I’m all out of proportion!

      Like

      • Pseu April 11, 2012 at 15:59 #

        mine grew with babies. No sign of shrinking….. 🙂

        Maybe you grew into your 20’s, instead of stopping around 18?

        Like

  10. viveka April 10, 2012 at 15:43 #

    Don’t we all want to look like Kylie … what a great post you manage to give us all … even if you didn’t have anything to write about! Girl get you high heels on .. even if it’s only for a couple of hours *smile. Thank you so much for this post, it’s brilliant.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 11, 2012 at 12:12 #

      I’m not a high heels kind of girl; I always feel like I’m hobbling around in Mummy’s shoes 🙂

      Like

      • viveka April 11, 2012 at 14:46 #

        *laughing – know that feeling.

        Like

  11. gigihawaii April 10, 2012 at 15:48 #

    I always go with the doctor’s measurement. Over the years, I have shrunk due to poor posture and old age. David recently learned that he is 6’1″ not 6′. He is happy.

    Like

  12. SchmidleysScribbling April 10, 2012 at 16:25 #

    Today is your day to hear from all the shrinking seniors. Years ago, before I had my first child I was 5’6″ then afterward, I grew two more inches apparently, because I was 5’8″ when I had kid #2 according to the Navy corpsman.

    So I went around putting 5’8″ on everything, and now my primary physician tells me I am 5’7″. Recently, I had a back exam and Xray and the doc showed me I had Scoliosis which is a curvature in my back which leans out to the left. I figure if my spine was straight I would be 5’10” which would greatly improve my BMI. As Kathy the cartoon character used to say, I am not overweight, I am under tall.
    Nevertheless, I am taller than David who was 5’10” when I married him and is now 5’7″. Some days I thin there is a big Giant pounding a peg board, and we are the pegs or something.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 11, 2012 at 12:13 #

      I like your theory better than my faulty tape measurer theory 🙂

      Like

  13. kateshrewsday April 10, 2012 at 20:53 #

    You have me fighting an urge to measure myself, Tilly. I WAS 5″9″….but what am I now? Will passport control be wrestling me to the ground the next time I pop off to NY?

    It is good to grow, though. it’s shrinking you have to beware of.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 11, 2012 at 12:15 #

      Where did all of these tall readers come from?

      Actually, why am I complaining? I can feel short again without having to leave my computer chair 🙂

      Like

  14. grannymar April 10, 2012 at 22:58 #

    I think I am on the way down, Elly tells me ‘some bits’ have gone south already. 😦

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 11, 2012 at 12:16 #

      Hehe! I know that feeling. Wish I’d taken the pencil test back when I could have passed it 🙂

      Like

  15. Gabrielle Bryden April 10, 2012 at 23:07 #

    hahaha – a brilliant read – very funny 🙂

    Like

  16. Ayasonice April 11, 2012 at 02:55 #

    hahahahaha… I always look forward to a good laugh when I visit your blog and I’m never disappointed! I love reading your writings, Tilly 😀

    Like

  17. Gobetween April 11, 2012 at 15:10 #

    What a rude awakening 😉
    I would not mind looking like Kylie too …

    Like

  18. Hattie April 11, 2012 at 18:15 #

    When we got married so long ago it was, my husband was 5′ 11″ and I was almost 5’9.” Now he is about 5’7″ and I have not lost height, so I’m taller than he is. And weigh more, too. I thought it was the women who were supposed to shrink in old age, but that has not been the case with us.
    What I like about being tall is that I can eat a lot!

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 21, 2012 at 10:51 #

      There’s always a silver lining!

      Like

      • Tilly Bud April 21, 2012 at 10:53 #

        Just visited your blog – congratulations on the new baby!

        Like

  19. Al April 11, 2012 at 19:53 #

    I’m quite surprised to hear this considering all the tall tales you tell.

    Like

  20. benzeknees April 11, 2012 at 20:56 #

    My whole life I thought I was 5’4″ & 3/4 inches tall. At my last full check up I found out I am 5’5″ which was very alarming for me because I should be on the way down in my height not up. Plus I can still fit into petite pants! Then it dawned on me – I’m long waisted & this is why petite pants fit me – I have short stubby legs LOL

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 21, 2012 at 10:56 #

      I remember petite pants…sigh…

      Like

      • benzeknees April 21, 2012 at 17:28 #

        I’m not talking petite pants width wise, oh no, no, no, no. Maybe it’s different over there? Petite refers to the length of the leg. I have short legs & a long torso now, so I need petite pants in order to get the right leg length.

        Like

  21. Jeff April 11, 2012 at 21:26 #

    I once had a driver’s license that said I was 5’10”. Imagine my shock when I found that I was only 5’8″. By the way…you and Kylie…I thought I was seeing double. 🙂

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 21, 2012 at 10:57 #

      Hehehe! Jeff, you made my day. Funny guy 🙂

      Like

  22. xtrekki April 11, 2012 at 22:31 #

    Thirty years ago I was measured at 5ft 6 inches. It seemed a very respectable height so there’s no way I’m going to check it out now!! And I would probably just be the right height for Kylie, if she was any sort of girls’ girl!!!

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 21, 2012 at 11:00 #

      A wise decision. I only found out by accident and I still haven’t gotten over it, two years later.

      Like

  23. Perfecting Motherhood April 13, 2012 at 06:10 #

    Let me tell you something that will make you feel better. I’m almost 5’10” and I’ve towered many people around me in my lifetime. Sure, they are advantages to being tall and you surely get noticed. My biggest disadvantage is being pledged with a screwed-up back, which most short people never experience. The longer the spine, the stronger the pain when things get out of place. I’d trace a few inches for being pain free in my back for the rest of my life.

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 21, 2012 at 11:02 #

      Your pain does not make me feel better 😦

      The fact that there is another person in the world taller than me does, however, make me rejoice 🙂

      Like

  24. eof737 April 18, 2012 at 18:18 #

    I always suspected Kylie was a relative. 😆

    Like

    • Tilly Bud April 21, 2012 at 11:02 #

      Hehe!

      Like

      • Tilly Bud April 21, 2012 at 11:03 #

        Just had a horrible thought – if Kylie really is a relative, that makes me related by sleaze to Simon Cowell. Ewwwww!

        (It was in the press this week that he had an affair with Dannii Minogue while she was on the X Factor)

        Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. 7 Surprising Side Effects of Shaving My Head | The Laughing Housewife - October 27, 2020

    […] once had a genuine identity crisis when I learned I was two inches taller than I had believed myself to be for thirty-one years, […]

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