Archive | 14:19

I’ve Been Here Beefore

24 Apr

I am still working on my project but not today, because I’ve been out all morning and I’m going out again tonight.  I can’t leave you with nothing so I offer you a re-hashed something which I hope is better than nothing.  This is an edited repost of two previous posts from a couple of years ago.  I wrote a poem about bees which is on my other blog, and people seemed to like it, leading me to conclude that bees are maybe not bad, after all, possibly. 

And it took me so long to write that introduction, I could have written something original.  Ah well.

"What does the letter "A" have ...

"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?" ~ They both have Bees coming after them~ (Photo credit: turtlemom4bacon)

I have had some bee issues this weekend, as in, what be you doing here in my house, bee?  The same bee tried four times to park in our bathroom.  The Hub put it out each time and closed the window after the fourth time – just what you want on a warm spring day: a closed toilet window….  Even as I had my bath I could hear it buzzing for entry.  The Hub said it also tried the bedroom window but was defeated by the net curtain.

I think bees and ants send out scouts, looking for a place to set up home and terrify the residents, like gangs moving into the hood.  I was lying in the bath thinking about this and wondering if other unmentionable insects – unmentionable because it gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about them – do the same thing, when I felt one touch me and I shot straight up out of the water, finding myself balancing on the shower curtain and gazing down on a giggling sponge.

We are not allowed to kill any insects in this house except flies, which is hard on my-flesh-crawls-easy me.  One day it might come down to a straight choice between the Hub and a tin of insect repellant.  If I haven’t had enough sleep, he’s in big trouble.

The bee came back. It came in through the bathroom window, had a look around, disdained the decor, and left. It did the same thing the next morning.

I’m not sure my nerves can take it. In the spirit of know your enemy, therefore, I looked up some bee facts:

  • Bees have five eyes.  As if they’re not weird enough.
  • Life expectancy is 28-35 days, so I may have another month of this.
  • Honey is nectar that bees have repeatedly regurgitated and dehydrated.  Bet that puts you off your breakfast.
  • In her whole lifetime (it is always a her) a worker bee will produce only 1/12th of a teaspoon of honey. Makes you wonder why she bothers.
  • A bee is not born knowing how to make honey.  She goes to bee school to learn.  She’s usually average – never obtaining more than a…you know what I’m going to say, don’t you?
  • It would take around 1100 bee stings to cause the average human being to die.  I find that strangely comforting.
  • Honey bees have hairy eyes.  Eww!  Just eww!
  • Honey never goes off.  A jar of 2000-year-old honey in an Egyptian tomb was said to taste delicious.  No one complained – no sell-by dates in those days.
  • Bees vote on when to swarm or which food source to concentrate on, and they vote by moving nearer the proposer they support.  Proportional Representation by any other name would smell as sweet.
  • It is against the law to kill a bumble bee in Britain.  Punishable by a fine in the UK; and by divorce in this house.
  • Ancient Rome’s tax system was paid in honey, not money.   I like it; we should do that here.  Call it a sweetener.
  • Bees don’t snore.  If ever there was a reason to love bees and not husbands, this is it.
  • Male drone bees do no work and spend their time copulating.  Some things never change.
Honey

Honey (Photo credit: quisnovus)

*

I was woken by the Hub’s noxious nasal activity at about four this morning.  Instead of tossing or turning or throttling him, I got into Tory Boy’s empty bed and went straight back to sleep…to sleep, perchance to dream; aye, there’s the Hub.

I am beginning to suspect there’s a connection between the bee and the snoring; think about it: bzzzzz/zzzzzz…I bet the bee is lost and thinks it can hear the hive in the distance….

*

Joke 397

24 Apr
The historic New Cliff House (built 1911), now...

The historic New Cliff House (built 1911), now the Sylvia Beach Hotel (since 1987), located at 267 Northwest Cliff Street in Newport, Oregon, United States, is listed on the US National Register of Historic Places (NRHP). It is today in use as a boutique hotel. NRHP reference number 86002962 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks to Grannymar for yet another great joke.

Sylvia: Hi Wanda!

Wanda: Hi Sylvia!  How’d you die?

Sylvia: I froze to death.

Wanda: How horrible!

Sylvia: It wasn’t so bad.  After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

Wanda: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

Sylvia: So, what happened?

Wanda: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

Sylvia: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer — we’d both still be alive.

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