If I Break Wind, I’ll Write About It

The ‘it’ being not a heart attack.

Too Much Information Warning:
There may be more information in this post than you feel comfortable with.  Just so you know.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a stomach ache.  Forced flatulation helped ease it.  (I may as well start as I mean to go on).

This morning, I was a little constipated.

I sat down at the computer, hunched over like Quasimodo doing toe touches, as usual – I have dreadful posture – and I felt a horrible pain in my chest, from sternum to those funny things that point up like body chevrons – collar bone?  I’m not great at anatomy; about as good as I am at geography – don’t ask me for holiday directions or you might end up where the sun don’t shine.

The pain was all over, not just in the heart area.  I say ‘heart area’ because my family insist that it hasn’t yet been established that I have a heart. 

I had a hot sweat – quite possibly because I’m wearing a winter dressing gown in almost-May – and felt nauseous.  Nothing else…until I heard my pulse in my left ear.  That freaked me out a little, and had me scurrying to Google ‘hat atark symtoms’ (I was a little anxious).

What’s weird about this is that I’m not afraid of dying.  I think I was upset because I didn’t know what was happening.  That was also a weird reaction, because I tend to live in a permanent state of not knowing what’s happening.  I must buy a diary.

The chest pain was on the symptom list; and the nausea; but my sweat was hot, not cold; and there was no mention of the pulse in my ear.  Could it be a panic attack?  That would be unusual: the only time I panic is when the crisp cupboard gets low and the bank account is even lower, meaning a day’s delay in re-stocking.

Pain in acute myocardial infarction (front) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I decided to consult the Hub.  He’s not a doctor but he’s the next best thing: a know-it-all.  Throwing myself into his arms while he was fast asleep and ear-plugged almost gave him a heart attack.  Once he had de-plugged and got his breath back, he cuddled me and talked me through it: I have a fairly healthy diet – not much processed food, lots of vegetables and water; I have never smoked; barely drink; walk every day; never had a problem with blood pressure; seldom add salt to my cooking (he was a little bitter about that one).  He had been asleep, so we hadn’t even had our morning argument.  I’m not particularly worried about anything at the moment…he decided it was wind. 

If you don’t hear from me ever again, please don’t blame the Hub – he’s not a doctor; but he does know my bodily functions after thirty years together; if my body blips, that’s not his fault.

Once I had calmed down, I had breakfast.  There’s nothing wrong with me while I can eat.  Definitely wind.  The smell proves it. 

Oops!  And another!

Less heart attack; more fart attack.

*

Related articles

• New That Can Tell If You’re Going To Have A Heart Attack (gizmodo.com.au)
• 10 Heart Attack Symptoms You’re Most Likely to Ignore (library2humanities.wordpress.com)
• Shocker: Unhealthy Woman Nearly Dies While Eating Unhealthy Food At Heart Attack Grill (blisstree.com)
• Clogged Arteries (wholesome.it)

Joke 398

Television set for Wikipedia userbox icons, or other things. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Basic Jokes.

A reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. “Do you watch much television here?”

“Only the daytime shows,” the inmate said. “At night we’re locked in our cells and don’t see any television.”

“That’s too bad,” the reporter said, “but I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime.”

“What do you mean, nice?” the inmate said. “That’s part of the punishment.”