Slow Day For Funny

Dull church, Dull, Perth and Kinross (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I read this on Imagine FM’s Facebook page:

No word of a lie, there’s moves to officially twin the Scottish hamlet of Dull with the US town of Boring.

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This came to my inbox.  What does the Arts council have against tall people?

From the Arts Council: Calling all short film makers…

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Spud told us that as he was coming out of school yesterday, he overheard two sixth form girls giggling about a man’s shoe size being the same size as his youknowwhat (he used the correct term; the girls used an explicit term; I’m middle-aged and reporting a rude conversation my teenaged son told me about; ‘youknowwhat’ is all I can manage without fainting).

He couldn’t resist: as he passed them he smiled, winked and said, ‘I’m a size twelve…’

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A picture of a dictionary viewed with a lens on top of it, at the word "Internet" (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Clearing out my draft box the other day, I came across a WordPress prompt and my reply from postaday2011.  Can you believe I missed one?  I know why it was still a draft: it’s not funny.  But I have to flesh out this post somehow, so here you go:

Would you rather have the first word, or the last?

This is a tricky one, because I don’t own an up-to-date dictionary, and it would depend on the dictionary, because they must all be different, or else why would there be so many?  Online dictionaries are useless in this instance because you can’t page through them.

Let me see…thumbsuck…thoughts coming up…in a minute…let me think…thinks…thinks…

‘A’ must be the first word.  ‘Zzz’ must be the last.

A is the start, zzz is sleep.

Start something or sleep?

I would have to say, I’d rather have the last word.

But I’m scouse and we say ‘a’ for ‘hay’ and, despite my Heidi-loving childhood, I’ve never fancied sleeping in ‘ay.

So it’s still the last word.

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Hey – we started with dull and boring; we might as well finish that way.

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Joke 399

Newborn son Magyar: Újszölött fiú (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks to Sidey for this one.  It might lose a little something in the translation if English is not your first language, so apologies for that.

I went to visit my friend today.  His wife was sat there with their newborn baby.  She asked if I’d like to wind it.

I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

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UPDATE:

They say a joke’s not funny if you have to explain it, but here goes:

• Winding the baby: rubbing its back/tummy to make it vomit all over your best top.
• Winding a person: hitting them in the stomach so they can’t breathe and are in a lot of pain…kind of like when I give the Hub an affectionate pat on the belly.
• Dead leg: get a friend to hit your thigh, hard, with the side of a fist.  Try to walk.  Pick yourself up off the floor and groan in pain.