Archive | July, 2012

#RejectedOlympicEvents

31 Jul

 

A London Underground train decorated to promot...

A London Underground train decorated to promote London’s Olympic bid. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The hashtag #RejectedOlympicEvents is trending on Twitter.  I thought I’d share a few with you.

  • Cheap car park search in London
  • Tea brewing. This is London 2012, how it isn’t an event I will never know
  • Speed Dating
  • Dressage.  I don’t understand it
  • Hide and Seek
  • Running to and from a Chick Fil-A without being seen by your friends
  • Synchronised Knitting
  • Synchronised DM conversations; absolutely impossible to achieve
  • Twitter, 100 tweet freestyle, 400 meter tweeter
  • Opening the microwave in the shortest amount of time left before the bell goes off
  • The Hunger Games
  • Compulsive Picture Straightening
  • Doing something fast before the microwave time finishes
  • Quidditch. Stupid muggles
  • The Emergency Channel Change When You Discover Two And A Half Men Is On
  • Trying to put your key in the front door when drunk
  • Women’s Parallel Parking
  • Men’s 50 minute putting a 3-4 month old baby down for the night
  • Stiff Upper Lip-a-thon
  • Seeing which network can go the longest without mentioning Tebow, LeBron or Howard
  • Furtive Under-table Texting
  • Amount of grocery bags you can bring inside the house from the car in one go
  • Worseminton
  • The elevator close door button mash
  • The Macarena
  • Fitted Sheet Folding
  • 2am Drunk Texting Your Ex
  • 100m sprint for the bus.
  • Pin the Smile on Kristen Stewart
  • 5m sprint to charge laptop
  • Thinking up witty and euphemistic rejected Olympic events when everyone else has already thought up the best ones
  • Empty Seat Filling Race.  No Wait! It’s back in!
  • Twitter trend jokes

It’s still trending so go have a look for yourself and report back with the best ones.

 

Joke 495

31 Jul

 

An old one from Will & Guy.

Pentecostal Preacher

Pentecostal Preacher (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After the church service, seven-year old Brian said to the preacher, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.”  

“Well, thank you,” the preacher replied, “but why?”

“Because my daddy says that you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

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How Peculiar

30 Jul
English: Graphic from the licensing tutorial

English: Graphic from the licensing tutorial (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

An odd thing happened yesterday.

My main post [which took almost three hours to complete; I hope you appreciate me as you should] was published around ten a.m.  

I went to the homepage as usual, to make sure it appeared, looked okay and to pick up the one typo I missed on my seventeen previous checks.

It did appear – underneath the joke post that I posted around four a.m.

When I checked, the post I had just posted was said to have been posted twenty-two hours earlier.  It hadn’t even been twenty-two minutes.

Does anyone know why?

Joke 494

30 Jul

 

A 12" record, a 7″ record, and a CD-ROM.

A 12″ record, a 7″ record, and a CD-ROM. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Will & Guy.

The man who is the world’s leading expert on wasps is walking through Droitwich one day when he passes an old vinyl record shop.

Looking in the window, an album catches his eye: “The Sounds of Wasps from Around the World.”  He enters the store and asks the sales girl if he can listen to the album.

“Sure…just go into the booth and put on the headphones,” replies the shop assistant.

He does this and listens to ten minutes of buzzing noises until he can take no more…he leaves the booth and says to the sales girl, “I’m an expert on wasps and I have to say that I didn’t recognise any of those noises.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” answers the assistant, “I was playing you the B side.” 

 

Joke 493

29 Jul

 

English: BT Tower (London) seen during a firew...

English: BT Tower (London) seen during a firework display that took place 500 days before the start of the London 2012 Olympic Games (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Comedyhere.

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Rain…Official weather supplier to the London 2012 Olympic Games.

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The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics.  If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

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Hula Hoops. Very Proud Of The Queen.

28 Jul

No, the Queen was not so impressed by the aging Grace Jones in her PVC outfit at the Diamond Jubilee Concert that she decided to take up hula hooping – though after seeing her as a Bond Girl and skydiver, I suppose anything is possible.  

My title was left as a comment on the post in which I invited you to tell me what you were eating, drinking and doing during the Olympics Opening Ceremony. You responded in your units.  Some of them alcoholic.

Before I get on to that, I want to add three items to my list of highlights:

  • The choir of hearing-impaired and other children who sang the National Anthem so beautifully.
  • The honour guard of 500 workers who had built the stadium.  They lined up in the tunnel as the torch entered.  A wonderful touch.
  • And finally, the news that for the first time, every single one of the 204 countries had female athletes in the team.  Fabulous!

This is what my family was doing:

I did tell you I would be drinking wine and eating peanuts.  However, we had no wine so I had a rum and coke instead.  I didn’t feel like peanuts but Spud’s suggestion at twenty to midnight that we all eat ice cream was promptly acted upon.

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I will let everyone else tell you what they were doing, in their own words.

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*8

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Debbie in London‘s Prof:

…went out for Chinese, but the queue was so long we thought he might miss the start of the ceremony, so he bought a few supplies and came home instead. We dined on ham sandwiches (mine with mustard and the Prof’s with Branston pickle, crisps, nuts (peanuts for him, pine nuts for me) and grapes, washed down with coke zero. Living it large! The other member of the family, 21 last week, was so interested in the ceremony he went for a bike ride, sat in his room for a bit and then was in bed by 10.30pm. What can you do with the youth of today?!
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We have really enjoyed the ceremony, though I am finding it hard to believe there are this many countries in the world. Do you think anyone can make up their own country? I am a little suspicious, never heard of several of them 😉
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Many people were unable to watch the ceremony because of the time difference. For some in the States it was because NBC (Al says it stands for Never Been Clever) filled the show with adverts and let commentators talk over the rest.  
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It took an American, Michael Carnell, to point out to me that there was a dearth of Doctor Who.  Can’t believe I didn’t miss him!  Just shows how good a show it was.
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Some non-British viewers were confused by the NHS section; but that’s possibly because they don’t understand the affection in which the National Health Service is held in this country, even while we complain about it.  Imagine a long and bickering marriage, rather like mine and the Hub’s, to get the idea.  
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It wasn’t only non-Brits who were a little confused: Pseu, an NHS nurse herself, said:
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Wasn’t convinced by the archaic nurses. Was that to suggest that the NHS is old fashioned and needs to keep up with the times?
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I don’t believe so.  Danny Boyle celebrated all that was great about Britain; I think the old costumes were just to show how long the NHS has been around.
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The Shrewsdays had the best idea of the night:
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Ann McGuffy was misguidedly patriotic:
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For me, it is Vitamin Water & fruit…and the good old USA!
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She’s a loyal reader so we’ll let that last bit pass.
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Viv in France was most civilised:
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The dregs of last night’s bottle of a glorious Biuzet, and a handful of grapes shared between us.

Quilting & Drinking

I’m not asleep, honest!

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Sammy Dee in Manchester had a similar idea, though her approach was different:
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Drank far too much White Grenashe.
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Maire in Texas demonstrated how civilised Southern Ladies can be:
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I was drinking iced tea with ginseng and honey…
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although the effect was slightly marred:
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…and eating pretzels.
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Boomiebol claims it was:
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the Olympic excitement…and not the wine drinking got me typing all wrong
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when she was:
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munching on kettlecorn popscorn, cashew nuts and wine.
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I think most of us felt that same popscorn for Paul McCartney, who went on far too long with Hey Jude.
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Siggie of Maine, who has a disobliging cat, was willing but not able:
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…would love to say I had malted milk balls…American Malteser’s….but had red white and blue star shaped marshmallows to eat while watching Sir Paul sing “Hey, Jude.” My drink of choice is water with a wedge of lemon…but only had lime seltzer in the house to drink.
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Pseu again:
8
we had supper in front of the TV: stuffed chicken breasts, mashed potatoes and peas on a tray, with a glass of Chardonnay. Followed up with a slice of Scout’s chocolate birthday cake.
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She impressed me with this:
(
Cycloman’s not with us as he’s down in the thick of it, starting his volunteering in the basket arena this morning.
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Wow!  The volunteer response has been incredible, according to the press.  It is exciting to know the husband of a friend I haven’t yet met is taking part.  Well done, Cycloman!
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was a bit busy ripping up that lovely bright orange shag carpeting from the home we are renovating.  Nothings says GO USA like a face mask and old carpet.  Errr…maybe a flag and sparkler would have been a better choice…

Another NHS nurse…?

Aquatom had:
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 a few drinky-poos (wine and lager) and a bag of Monster Munch. I also have some onion rings and bacon fries…
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Grannymar was knitting.
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Wee Scoops had the genius idea to take a photo of where she was at 20:12:

At 20.12 I took this pic while I think I was missing the start. In the back seat with the daughters having given up my seat to son of sanstorm to prevent backstage bickering. We were coming back from our holidays.

She made it home in time, thank goodness!

Loving the show. Love the spoofery. But for the athlete bit I have settled down with some hula hoops.
Hope you’ve enjoyed the show!

Thank you so much, all of you, for sharing photos and menus.

How wonderful it is to know that we all participated in the same event while spread around the globe; or at least thought about each other while doing something else.

Wee Scoops to close:

Hula Hoops.  Very Proud of the Queen.

And so say all of us.

The London 2012 Olympics Opening Ceremony – A Review

28 Jul

I loved it!  I thought it was quirky, funny, touching and very British.

Can we put on a show?!

Some of the highlights:

  • Changing the stage setting from rural to industrial Britain, with Kenneth Branagh as Isambard Kingdom Brunel quoting from The Tempest in the middle of it all.
  • Dizzy Rascal singing Bonkers.
  • The tributes to those who died in both World Wars, and the 7/7 victims.
  • Mr Bean playing with the London Symphony Orchestra.
  • Music through the decades that have passed since London last hosted the Olympics.
  • Moths on bikes.
  • David Beckham having the time of his life driving a speed boat up a canal.
  • The Hill of Flags.
  • The Queen parachuting from a helicopter with James Bond, into the Olympic Stadium.

Only in Britain could such an eclectic mix work so brilliantly.

My favourite part, however, was the amazing cauldron.  Each child mascot who accompanied one of the 204 participating countries carried a copper (I think) bowl.  When the flame was lit, the bowls lifted into the air to make one giant flame.  Absolutely fabulous.

It was inspired not to use a famous athlete to light the final flame; but seven future Olympians: young people who show promise and who were nominated by older athletes such as Dame Kelly Holmes and Sir Steve Redgrave.  It embodied the spirit of the intended legacy of these games: to nurture the young people of our country who hope to become athletes.

It made me proud and I might have wept a little if I hadn’t been so British. Fortunately, my disgust at the chavvy Team GB outfits with their gold collars overcame any uncharacteristic sensibility I might have had.

Here is a slideshow of scenes snapped from my television.  I didn’t think of taking pictures until two and a half hours into the ceremony.  If there was an Olympic event for Great Ideas At The Last Minute, I’d have taken Gold and Silver yesterday; and Bronze for the Having The Brass Neck To Share Bad Photographs On A Blog event:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Joke 492

28 Jul

 

Another one from Reader’s Digest.  

American John Flanagan in the hammer throw com...

American John Flanagan in the hammer throw competition at the Summer Olympics 1908 in London (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The final round of the hammer throw event comes down to a soldier, a farmer, and Larry, who lives with his parents.

The soldier throws first: 85 meters.  Interviewed later, he says, “I’m from a military family, which gives me discipline.”

Then the farmer throws: 88 meters.  He tells reporters, “I’m from a farming family.  This gives me strength.”

It’s Larry’s turn.  He slings the hammer 95 meters, winning gold!  Later, he explains, “I’m from a long line of lazy people and I was taught, ‘If anyone ever puts a hammer in your hand, throw it as far away as you can.’”

 

Let The Games Begin!

27 Jul

To celebrate the London 2012 Olympics Opening Ceremony, this post was scheduled to be published at GMT (or maybe GMT+1; I am always confused by British Summer Time; probably because it’s always raining and we need the heating on in July) 21:00.

I say ‘was’, because I am at this precise moment plonked in front of my telly with a glass of wine, a bag of peanuts and a patriotic heart, watching Danny Boyle display all that is best about Britain.

2012!  What a great year we’re having!

Go Team GB!

Exclamation mark overload!

Do me a favour: if you were watching the ceremony at the same time, say so in the comments, mentioning your beverage and snack of choice. 

 

I’ve Had An Idea But You Need To Read This Post In The Next Five Hours If You Want To Join In

27 Jul

 

I will be watching the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games.  I have prepared a post about it, in which I invite you to tell me what you are eating and drinking while you watch it around the world. (Apologies in advance to my subscribers, who will receive four posts from me today.)

If you intend to watch it, take a photograph of yourself and your family while doing so, email it to me at thelaughinghousewife@googlemail.com or the email address attached to my comments on your blog, and I will combine them in a post next week.  

We can be together even though we’re not together!

And if you’re not watching it, send me a photograph of what you were doing instead.

 

Thank You, Dear Readers

27 Jul

 

Thank you!!!!

Thank you!!!! (Photo credit: camerakarrie)

Yesterday, I read a post which led me to a post which led me to another post which I read and deleted.

I never gave it another thought.

I went to bed.

I slept.

There’s a funny thing about the English language: sometimes words end in -pt and sometimes in -ped.  Why?  Why do we say slept and not slepped?  Slipped and not slipt?  And as we are pondering that broad theme, why does it suddenly pop (which, in the past tense, would be popped and not popt) into my head that we can say leapt and leaped without our brains leaking from our ears?

Anyway, I went to bed.

I dozed.

I woke up.

One stray sentence from that random post jumpt into my head:

Thank your readers.

It didn’t say why; or if it did, I don’t remember.  But it seemt like a good idea so, without further ado:

Thank you, dear readers.  

Thank you for:

  • Reading my posts
  • Coming back, despite having read my posts
  • Leaving comments on my posts
  • Leaving further comments, when I may not have replyt to the earlier comments
  • Not leaving compliments, because you know they make me uncomfortable
  • Leaving compliments because you don’t care that they make me uncomfortable: you’re nice; you like me; and I’m just going to have to put up with it
  • Reading my posts

Have a Malteser:

English: A pile of Maltesers candies and one s...

English: A pile of Maltesers candies and one split in half. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While I’m in a thanking mood, I’d better be nice to the Hub.  Here is this morning’s love offering:

I am Hub’s other wife, who can’t spell.

Thanks, Hub.  Liquorice Allsorts are an acceptable substitute when I’ve given away all of my Maltesers in an obvious attempt to bribe my readers to stay.

I wonder if they’ll work on offended husbands?

 

Joke 491

27 Jul

 

Victories by the Hungarian team in the 1964 Ol...

Victories by the Hungarian team in the 1964 Olympic Games, Tokyo, October 10-25, 1964 :*Denomination: 60 Filler (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In honour of the Olympics, which start tonight, I will be posting some sport-themed jokes over the next two weeks.  This one is from the Reader’s Digest.

The French, German, and Hungarian fencers are arguing over who is the best in their sport.

The Frenchman pulls out his foil: “I will show you all!” He targets a fly buzzing around, and with one swipe of his blade, the fly falls to the ground, cut neatly in half.

The German smiles. He locates another fly, and with two swipes, it falls to the ground, its wings neatly removed.

Now it’s the Hungarian’s turn. Lifting his foil, he takes three swipes at a fly, which flutters off, undisturbed. The others laugh, but the Hungarian holds up his hands. “That fly,” he says, “will never procreate again.”

 

Old Girl Power!

26 Jul
Halswell House

Halswell House (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A great story in the Telegraph:

A defiant grandmother, Stella Bond, staged a three day sit-in protest in her son’s stately home to prevent it being repossessed by bailiffs representing an American bank.

The 78 year-old refused to budge from inside Halswell House, near Bridgwater, Somerset, that is owned by her son Grahame.

She occupied a magnificent wood-panelled library until Citi Private Banking proved it had the legal right to take possession of the £3million Grade I listed Tudor mansion.

She calmly remained ensconced in her armchair for 72 hours before the American-based bank ordered bailiffs to leave.

This allowed Mr Bond, a multi-millionaire former estate agent, more time to negotiate with the banks.

Read more here.A defiant grandmother, Stella Bond, staged a three day sit-in protest in her son's stately home to prevent it being repossessed by bailiffs representing an American bank.  

With a mother like that, no wonder he’s a multi-millionaire.

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Spud told me that when he gets rich he is going to buy a parrot and teach it to say to strangers, ‘Help!  I’ve been turned into a parrot!’

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English: A Jet2 Boeing 737-800 at Manchester A...

English: A Jet2 Boeing 737-800 at Manchester Airport Gate 7 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the news yesterday: an eleven year old boy stowed away on a Jet2 flight from Manchester to Rome.  The headline, inevitably: Rome Alone.

Reasons cited for him getting on a plane without passport, ticket or adult supervision:

  • he attached himself to a family
  • the flight was busy
  • no one asked him for his boarding card at any point
  • Jet2 got their head count wrong, or didn’t do one at all.

Five members of staff have been suspended pending investigation.

No need to panic!  We are told the child was ‘no threat to passengers.’  They must have caught him before his seventy-ninth knock-knock joke bored to death the person sitting next to him.

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I follow The Original Weather Blog.  Apparently, July has seen a tornado drought in the US but Canada is making up for it.  From his latest post:

I was rather amused by a tweet that I saw yesterday from a person that I follow here in the U.S.: “Dear Canada, can we please have our tornadoes back?”

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If you’re not a Terminator fan and a cat fan, you won’t see the humour in this, but it tickled me:

Ding Dong

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I watched Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Superstar – the search to find an unknown to headline his arena tour of Jesus Christ Superstar.   

Ben was a worthy winner, if you don’t mind his resemblance to Mr Bean.  I am glad the show is over; I don’t think I could take another minute of Amanda Can’t See The Wood For The Wooden Presentation Holden.  Getting the ‘contendents’ names confused for the phone lines not once, but twice, was a highlight: can the woman not read an autocue?

Listening to her tell the audience every night to ‘Give it up for our Jesuses’ was excruciating, but even that was surpassed by Lord A telling us that Ben was a plumber’s son; Andrew LW was a plumber’s grandson (with that accent?  His grandfather must have seen royal sewage); and – wait for it – the writer of the song Ben had just sung was written by a plumber’s son…!  

No wonder one Tweeter said that Andrew was like ‘an old man version of Wikipedia’ and another begged, ‘Can we vote Andrew off the show?’

The BBC do these shows much better, even with the ridiculous throne.

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I’ll close with the most sensible argument I’ve ever heard for being green, courtesy of Katherine Trauger:

SAVE THE EARTH!!!

(It’s the only planet with Maltesers . . . )

Joke 490

26 Jul

 

Another one from Will & Guy.

creation of man

creation of man (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bobby, nine, opened the big old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.  It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Hey, Mum, look what I’ve found!” Bobby called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

Astonishment written all over his face, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”

 

Interview With The Grannymar

25 Jul

 

I think interviewing other bloggers is a nice idea.  I will be doing it intermittently and I will begin with Grannymar.  It is her reward for guessing correctly that I speak the truth, nineteen out of twenty times.

I had better start with another truth: Grannymar is an imposter – she’s not a real granny; it’s a nickname:

The name Grannymar (one word) was conferred on  me when I was in my early twenties and I love it. The guy who gave me that handle nowadays drives a 100 miles to take me to lunch and then drives all the way back home again!  

Can you believe that?  She gets a free lunch!

Grannymar has a great blog; see it here.  She posts photos from her travels, especially of sculptures, which I love.  She talks about her life; she shares recipes; she tells jokes (many of which you will have seen on this blog); and she has an active social life with her toyboys.  

Let’s ask her a few questions:

How many colours has your hair been?

My father always referred to my rich auburn hair as my ‘crowning glory’!  (A girl needs some help when she is as thin as a skeleton with the covering skin the colour of putty with a supersized coating of dirty freckles in summertime!)  With the years nature has slowly faded the freckles and the colour from my hair, the gold has turned to silver about my face, but from the back view it now looks like dark brown.  Tilly, I suppose the question you are really asking is if I ever added colour to my locks?  The answer is: No. I never had any desire to.

Who is the most annoying celebrity?  Why?

Since I do not have a television – by choice – I manage to avoid being force-fed what so-called celebs are doing, wooing, eating, not eating, or generally how they are misbehaving.  So I am really unable to answer this one.

How do you cook eggs?

I love eggs boiled, baked or even caked, but when time is at a premium an omelette makes a quick and tasty meal.  Two or three eggs broken into a bowl and mixed with a fork to break the yolks and barely mix them through the whites (DO NOT BEAT).  Pour onto a hot greased pan and working quickly, draw the setting egg in towards the centre with a spatula, then tilt the pan to spread the uncooked liquid egg.  Repeat until all the ‘runny’ mixture has gone.  Sprinkle with scraps of chopped cooked ham, spring onions, tomatoes, cooked mushrooms or cheese.  A little filling goes a long way.  Fold over in half and serve with a salad or chips if you are feeling naughty.  Serve immediately!

Karaoke: with or without alcohol?

I do take a drink, but it is not necessary for me to be a fun player.

I have been to Karaoke, called to the stage, and tried to sing!  It was when Elly, my daughter, was at University in Scotland.  Back in those days I earned my stripes on my visits to see her, by being dragged to the students union, karaoke, pub quiz evenings & Sunday brunches where they read the papers and did the crosswords.  The excuse for bringing me was that I would be able to answer the ‘old’ questions!  Some of the grey cells still work! 😉

Can you do a foreign accent?

I do try, but it works best if I am imitating someone I know from another country.

Will you share an embarrassing moment?

Only one?  My life has been full of embarrassing moments but most have been chronicled on my blog (I am not shy!).  I am struggling to think of one not written about already. Nothing new comes to mind so in true Blue Peter  style I will give you a link to one I prepared earlier: An Idea  

Tell us something about yourself you haven’t yet shared in your blog.

After six years? My blog is me! I have at this stage even morphed into my blog handle. Now let me see….

I have a scar on one of my fingers from the time I broke a caravan window trying to reach a toyboy… I was inside and he was outside….

Now you will have to wait for the full story until I blog about it!!

What would you give up rather than your computer?

Chocolate!

How do you feel about misplaced apostrophes?

As somebody who has and still struggles with spelling and grammar, if I was to worry about misplaced apostrophes…I would never open the laptop!

I get my message across in my own way.

Tell us why we should read your blog.

Because it is another wet day and you cannot go out to play!

Because I spout some rubbish almost everyday.

Because you can read about my Toyboys – but no stealing!!

And finally…

Because I offer you a very warm welcome.

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And as an honest blogger, I can verify that last statement.  Go on over to Granny’s blog and say hello.  You’ll get a warm welcome!

*

All photographs copyright and courtesy of Grannymar.

 

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