Archive | 11:07

Am I Weird?

12 Jul


A national newspaper once pilloried me for saving money, suggesting I was careful to the point of mean.  We never buy that paper and we never speak its name, so I can’t tell you which one it was.  When my poetry book is e-published and goes viral, doing for rhyme and form what Fifty Shades of Grey has done for mommy porn, I will refuse to allow it to be serialised in that particular paper.  So there!

The thrust of their argument was that I re-use teabags and therefore I am a heinous person.  They conned me into posing with used tea bags on my washing line, claiming it was ‘a light-hearted piece’.  And so it was, if by ‘light-hearted’ they meant, ‘vicious to the point of stabbing her in the heart with a teaspoon.’ But I’m not bitter, unlike that editor’s soul.

I do re-use tea bags.  I don’t hang them on the washing line.  Here’s how it works:

I drink milk, water, the occasional glass of wine or Dandelion & Burdock, and Earl Grey Tea.  I drink tea all day long.  I like tea; it’s refreshing.  I don’t do drugs, snue gliffing or alcohol to excess so, in the scheme of things, it’s not a dangerous addiction.  I’m not likely to mug a granny for the price of a china cup of char.  I don’t get high on bergamot & lemon fumes.  I refuse to apologise or stand up at the TA* and declare, ‘My name is Tilly.  I am a tea-drinker.’

* Tea-drinkers Anonymous; not the Territorial Army.  I’m hardly likely to wander into barracks and declare ‘I drink tea,’ am I?  Not if I’ve had my regular doses, anyway.

[276/365] DSC_1914

[276/365] DSC_1914 (Photo credit: knowinspiration)

We are on a minuscule budget and fifty Twinings Earl Grey Decaffeinated teabags cost around £3.59.  That’s more than seven pence a cup!  

I drink an average ten cups a day. Seventy pence a day x seven days a week x four weeks a month x thirteen months a year because four weeks x twelve months adds up to only forty-eight weeks and I’m not giving tea up for a day, never mind a whole imaginary month = £254.80.

I know I could use that money to go on holiday or buy gifts for my boys or pay my gas bill (it hasn’t stopped raining since last September; of course I’ve got my heating on in July), but I won’t.  And you can’t make me.

I drink decaff after noon and regular before noon, and the regular is a little cheaper; but if I drank regular Earl Grey all day I’d get no sleep and start writing daft posts about ordinary things, and you wouldn’t want that, would you?

I drink my Earl Grey black.  I drink ordinary tea with milk, not too weak, not too strong, no sugar, not too milky, just so you know when I visit you.  I’m easy to please, so long as you make it exactly how I like it.

Black Earl Grey is strong.  I don’t like strong tea; I’m not that northern.  Making my tea is a matter of pour, wiggle, remove.  Around a third of its natural strength.  That’s two-thirds of a tea bag unused.  In this – or any – economy, that’s a scandalous waste of money.  Would you throw away two thirds of the contents of your tea box?  Of course not.

Excuse the blurry photos – I’m useless before the third cup of tea.

This is what I do every morning when I get up:

  • Put the kettle on (filling only to the required level; don’t waste energy, water and money by over-filling the kettle).
  • Set out three cups – one wide; one large; one small.
  • Make the first brew in the wide cup: pour, wiggle, remove.  It cools quickly, giving me an immediate fix.
  • Put used bag in large cup.
  • Make the second brew with breakfast – pour, wiggle-iggle, remove.  A large cup, to wash down the meal; not wide, or it would cool before I’ve finished eating and it has to be drunk at just the right temperature: not too hot, not too cold.
  • Put used bag in small cup.
  • Make the third brew around ten.  A small cup, because the tea is beginning to lose its strength.   Pour, leave to stand for a minute, double wiggle, squeeze, remove tea bag to food recycling box.

There’s nothing weird about that, is there?

Why don’t you visit me, and we’ll discuss it over a nice cup of tea?



Joke 476

12 Jul

what are word for?

what are word for? (Photo credit: Darwin Bell)

An email doing the rounds, sent by my friend Michelle.

Life’s Truths For Adults

  • Part of a best friend’s job is to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  • There is nothing worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  • There is great need for a sarcasm font.
  • Really, how ARE you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
  • Obituaries would be more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  • Was learning cursive really necessary?
  • There comes a point when you can’t remember the last time you weren’t at least kind of tired.
  • Bad decisions make good stories.
  • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
  • Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?  Otherwise, we have to restart the collection…again.
  • It is terrifying to exit out of Word and it asks if you want to save changes to your ten-page technical report that you swear you did not make any changes to.
  • “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means you will never wash this – ever.
  • Leaving the house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
  • Some people’s phone numbers must be kept in your phone just so you know not to answer when they call.
  • The freezer deserves a light as well.
  • Sometimes, you watch a movie that you watched when younger and suddenly realize you had no idea what was going on when you first saw it.
  • Most people would rather try to carry ten over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take two trips to bring in the groceries.
  • The only time you look forward to a red light is when you’re trying to finish a text.
  • It is difficult to decipher the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  • How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
  • Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Trousers never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  • There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. 
  • Sometimes you can look down at your watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  • Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
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