Archive | 14:13

Olive What She’s Having

19 Jul

 

In 2003 I went to Open University summer school: a week of being a ‘real’ student, with lectures and boozing  – you could buy wine at lunch and dinner!  I didn’t, but it was exciting knowing it was available.

I chose Manchester for my summer school – seven minutes by train from Stockport so I could come home if it was all too much for me.  It wasn’t.  I had a fabulous time; it’s in my Top Ten List of Best Experiences Ever.

One of the week’s benefits was that I made lots of new best friends, never to be heard of again once the week was over, except for two: Mangetout, who some of you know via her blog; and Becky.

Becky doesn’t blog because she’s too busy doing real stuff, like earning a living; you can visit her website and if you or your staff need training in something, Becky can provide it.  I know she’s good at what she does because, on the last day of summer school when we all had to present the project we had been working on, not only was she the only person not to mumble and/or overdo it, she actually sounded like she knew what she was talking about.

I was so impressed by Becky that when they let us out midweek to do our own thing, I latched on to her visit to Manchester’s Whitworth Art Gallery because I knew she’d guide me safe home again to the campus.  And she did.  Without her, I might be not-blogging, living homeless in Salford and thinking Man United were a good team because I couldn’t find my way back to civilisation.  Please thank her if you love your Laughing Housewife.

Becky and I supported each other online while completing our degrees.  My support must have been much better than hers because she got a better degree than I did.  I forgave her for that and we remained friends via Facebook.

Becky and her family live darn sarf but we don’t hold that against her.  She makes occasional excursions oop north to visit relatives; she made one such visit this week and she and her lovely husband Tony spent the afternoon with us on Tuesday.  It was delightful.  Spud popped his head in to be polite and stayed several hours, running up the electricity bill because he had left his X-Box on, not expecting to be away from it for too long.

The conversation was excellent:

Tilly Bud: Let’s talk about me and how wonderful I am and all the things I’ve done and how great I am and how great I am and let’s talk about me some more.

Becky: [Laughs in all the right places.  Because she’s lovely like that.]

We talked about summer school, Shakespeare and poetry; politics, religion and family; and why the government are cocking up Olympic security – we had no solutions, but that’s not our department, is it?  We vote; let them sort it out.   I can’t give you chat specifics because I was too engrossed to make my usual notes.

I spent Monday having a massive clear out so we looked reasonably tidy.  My eldest child may never get into his room again; but he hardly visits, so I’m not too worried.

Cleaning on Monday meant I could concentrate on the food on Tuesday morning, for their late-morning arrival.  Preparing food for visitors is hard work and requires a qualification in logistics to be ready/not too warm/not too cold/have time for a brew and catch-up first/edible.  That’s why I did sandwiches.  Aren’t they pretty?

And no reports of food poisoning; always a bonus.

I had to make sure the food was prepared before they arrived: I needed to take photographs for you.  Also, I don’t like to be in the kitchen when I have guests. Or ever.  My guests were too interesting to be left for long with my family. Every time I made tea I missed fascinating conversation and my son laughed at me for spending the day one topic behind.

I had a small hysterical moment when I tried to open these cakes where the packet says, Open Here.  The packet doesn’t say, But you can’t do it with wet hands and if you take a knife to a packet that you’ve been gripping with wet hands you might stab yourself.

I managed to fit in one of my 101/1001 tasks during the visit: Try a new food. Our guests brought goodies, including olives.  I have never eaten olives.  I have never fancied eating olives.  I am game for a small challenge, however, so I wrinkled my nose and popped one in.

Eurgghh!

Becky did warn me they were garlic and chilli olives, but I like garlic and I like chilli.  I don’t like olives.

The Evil Olives (centre)

Burning tongue, watering eyes and roiling stomach aside, thank you, Becky and Tony, for a wonderful afternoon.  Be sure your biscuits found a good home, and we will talk about you behind your backs long after you’ve forgotten us.

 

Joke 483

19 Jul
Lawyer Bashing Is Fun

Lawyer Bashing Is Fun (Photo credit: rkrichardson)

Thanks to Charlie at Read Between The Minds for these.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget…
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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